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Thread: Partner of 5+ years is keeping a financial secret

  1. #1
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    Partner of 5+ years is keeping a financial secret

    Hi, my partner and I have been going through a rough patch lately, I broke up with him in June, for giving me silent treatment after arguments and withdrawing practical and emotional support after same. It got to the point where it was the straw that broke the camels back. We decided to give couples therapy a go and have had several sessions already. Finances are something that have been a sensitive subject for us. I am the higher earner, I paid 80% towards house deposit we bought last year and have paid for 100% of renovations. I never make him feel bad for this by the way. He said that he would pay me back for the difference in deposit at some stage (18k) We are due to get married in one year. I have pulled him up in the past for borrowing money from a friend to go out drinking as we have a lot going on and he gets super defensive. In a recent therapy session we were discussing finances and he said he had something that heís not ready to tell me yet. He told the therapist it was Ďsort ofí to do with finances. A couple of days after I had a conversation with him and explained I didnít think secrets had a place in relationships and I asked him to help me understand what the barrier is as to why he feels he canít tell me. I never asked him to tell me what it was but explained it made me feel anxious. He told me it was none of my business and it didnít directly affect me. Had another chat a few days after I said I was ready to listen when he felt ready to tell me. He thinks once heís saved his part of the wedding what he does with his money is his business. I expressed my concerns about having to be prepared for the future, e.g. having money set aside for when we have children (Iím almost 33 and heís 34 so this is in the not distant future). My company do not do maternity pay so I would be relying on him to provide. I would also like to buy a car and get driving lessons. He said he can save 1k per month and currently has 7.5k saved, we got engaged 14 months ago so either I think itís unrealistic or heís not being completely transparent. I can only speculate what the secret is, I think itís possible he wants to get a nose job to help him breathe better at night as his nose was broken in the past from his sport. He also got braces last year which I contributed the cost. I feel frustrated that heís keeping something from me and I donít know if Iím being taken advantage of financially. Or maybe Iím being unfair? Would love some input. Thanks :-)

  2. #2
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Kitty2705
    I broke up with him in June
    I think you should remain that way.

    I feel frustrated that heís keeping something from me and I donít know if Iím being taken advantage of financially. Or maybe Iím being unfair?
    NO, you are not being unfair. YES, you are being taken advantage of financially (imo). You would be making a HUGE mistake marrying this guy. HUGE. You are looking down the barrel of a lot of misery and unhappiness, pain and hurt. There is no place for secrets and deceit in a marriage. None. And this guy seems to be full of it. There are so so many warning red flags in your face and you really should take heed.

    In a recent therapy session we were discussing finances and he said he had something that heís not ready to tell me yet. He told the therapist it was Ďsort ofí to do with finances
    What did the therapist say when he told her this?

    Whatever you do, do NOT marry this guy or have kids until ALL of these issues are fully sorted out. Maybe time to rethink this entire relationship because it's already in a lot of trouble. Never ever settle just because you've been together for some time.

  3. #3
    Gold Member ShySoul's Avatar
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    If you are going to be spending a life together, then you both need to take responsibility for that life, and finances are a major part of what that life will entail. He should be showing some concern for planning ahead. Has he expressed interest in having children? Because if he wants them, then he really should be planning ahead. By 34, and engaged, He should be starting to think more about his future. Having said that, there should also be room for fun. You need to work together - something that you'll need to do if you are married - to plan a budget. Divide it up how you think is best. If he is meeting his share of the expenses, then he should be allowed to spend some money on himself. But he needs to learn that you cover the basics first, know how to prioritize. Saving for the wedding is only the beginning. Honeymoon, mortgage payments, medical expenses, children - there's always something. And especially these days with COVID, work situations can change in a moment so financial situations are not stable.

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    Find someone you do not have to support like a child. Sure, he won't tell you, as he knows you will foot the bills. You have also been a big part of the problem, as you have enabled all of this nonsense for far, too long.

    This guy is awful! He is manipulative, secretive, nasty individual. He is a terrible choice for a life partner!

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    ...........

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    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by itsallgrand
    ...........
    ..........I second this.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Lol I wasn't finished writing when I accidentally posted it.
    So I edited and....

  9. #8
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    No way would I marry someone who was keeping a secret like this. I wouldn't trust him, sorry.

    You probably should have stayed broken up, OP. It doesn't sound like the relationship is working, and it's certainly not solid enough to sustain a marriage and everything that comes with a lifetime commitment.

  10. #9
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    It sounds like neither of you have committed to each other financially.
    Sure it might look like you did by paying 80% deposit on the house but to agree to marry , finances are joined , that means both income and expenditure so why would there be any expectation for him to pay you back? Irrelevant that you didnít make a big deal of it but by not telling him he doesnít need to pay you back is basically you not financially committing to him. But merely to a property shared.

    There is a suggestion in that itself that bills will be split 50/50 irrespective of individual incomes.
    Which leaves him out of his depth wrt personal disposable income.

    If you were to financially commit to each other , both salaries would go into one account and all joint expenses , mortgage utilities , holidays etc comes out of that account.
    Plus an equal amount comes out into each individuals savings account. For personal use.

    And out of your personal accounts , you pay for your car and driving lessons , he pays for his nose job and braces etc etc

    Are you willing to financially commit ?
    Because it sounds to me like you are not , nor is he.

    And if thatís the case then no other form of commitment , marriage can work.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Is the house in your name? Take him off the deed, if he is on it. It's your house. Make him pay you rent equivalent to half the mortgage. He needs to pay for half the maintence, utilities, other bills, etc.

    He doesn't want to get married. He doesn't want to pay for a wedding he doesn't want.

    A therapist can't correct the mistakes you are making or turn him into what you want. Buy your car and get your license. Stop paying for his cosmetic dental and surgical procedures.

    Why is he borrowing money from friends? Does he have a drug or gambling problem? You should not be financing that either.

    It sounds like you are feverishly marching forward alone toward your dream of house, wedding, husband, family, etc. but he is not on board. He has his own agenda of just lying and being a parasite. No therapist is going to fix that for you.

    You are dumping money into a nightmare. A "secret" nightmare. Therapy jargon like "transparent" won't help you with that either.

    If you want an honest decent man who'll be a good husband and father, this is not the guy for that. You can't buy love or honesty with money.
    Originally Posted by Kitty2705
    I paid 80% towards house deposit we bought last year and have paid for 100% of renovations.

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