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Thread: Partner of 5+ years is keeping a financial secret

  1. #21
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Kitty2705
    Carpricorn3, I really donít know, I feel like thereís a cloud hanging over the relationship until he tells me what this thing is. He said heís still feeling insecure after being dumped (even though he understands why I got to that point). He needs to feel secure in the relationship again. I feel like I canít decide until he opens up to me.
    I have told him Iím ready to listen when he wants to tell me so I hope that doesnít take long. We are in therapy now and I feel itís premature to walk away just yet.
    I can understand you feel it's premature to walk away - after all, 5 years is a long time and of course it not an easy thing to do. BUT, I would still strongly advise you to heed all the warning signs. This is your time to be strong. Really strong and don't fall for any feeble excuses.

    I have to say that I find it a little rich of him to state that HE "needs to feel secure in the relationship again". Wow. What!?? If anyone needs to feel secure it would have to be you and right now, I can't see how you can trust him. And without trust, you have nothing. Without trust you can never feel secure. Again, take heed.

    Speaking for myself only, if I had such alarm bells clanging so loudly in my head, I would cancel ALL wedding plans and take time out to really think this through. This is your entire future on the line. For me, the writing is on the wall. I would rather walk away than end up getting divorced 1 or 2 years after getting married.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately you are already financially entangled by the bad decision to buy a house together.

    You need to contact your attorney and accountant to find a way to sever your finances and get out of this mess. He sounds like a scammer.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by Kitty2705
    Carpricorn3, I really donít know, I feel like thereís a cloud hanging over the relationship until he tells me what this thing is. He said heís still feeling insecure after being dumped (even though he understands why I got to that point). He needs to feel secure in the relationship again. I feel like I canít decide until he opens up to me.
    I have told him Iím ready to listen when he wants to tell me so I hope that doesnít take long. We are in therapy now and I feel itís premature to walk away just yet.
    You didnít feel it too premature to walk away last June?
    You outlined to him your reasons for walking away to him which included but not exclusively financial reasons.

    Who initiated a reconciliation and why?

    And why get back together before the issues were resolved? Itís harder to resolve issues once you go back without them resolved first.
    He doesnít need security in the relationship , you went back to him regardless. He is now pretty secure than he can continue as he was and even if you leave you will come back. You have proved that point.

    You have inadvertently essentially enabled him to keep finances secret from you by paying for his braces etc when at that time it would suggest he had no savings, but all of a sudden he has 7.5K.

    I think itís more you needing security in your relationship because now that you have gone back without resolving issues you are the vulnerable one. But you have placed yourself there. If you understand what I mean.

    And now you are the one in limbo.
    There really isnít much you can do about it now you are backed into a corner.
    Except to give an ultimatum?
    Lay all finances on the table via a financial consultant or walk away.

    It sounds like you will cop a financial loss by walking unless you can prove who paid what for the deposit etc

    Without having transparent finances , you are fighting a losing battle anyway.
    So donít wait for him to tell you in 6 months or a year that he has alternate financial plans that donít include you.
    At this point it doesnít even sound like he is interested in getting married.

    So are you willing to get this sorted and walk away like you were apparently willing to do last June?
    Time to get serious about whether this relationship is actually likely to go anywhere or not I reckon!!!

  4. #24
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    He's feeling insecure emotionally or feeling insecure financially?
    Because they are two different things.
    I get you two had a bump in relationship, but you both should be working on the same page to forward. . .assuming he agreed to stay together.

    He is operating as an financially independent person while at the same time you are deeply financially entagled with him and that isn't right. It also does not foster good will. In turn your trust for his commitment is being challenged.

    It feels like he's holding onto his purse for leverage. That and he can't even trust you to tell you where he stands is crytic and unneccesary.

    I hope you return and share with us what his big secret is.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Kitty2705
    Carpricorn3, I really donít know, I feel like thereís a cloud hanging over the relationship until he tells me what this thing is. He said heís still feeling insecure after being dumped (even though he understands why I got to that point). He needs to feel secure in the relationship again. I feel like I canít decide until he opens up to me.
    I have told him Iím ready to listen when he wants to tell me so I hope that doesnít take long. We are in therapy now and I feel itís premature to walk away just yet.
    One day you will realize it's over though when none of your goals align. You might not want to end it now but you can slow it down. Post-pone any wedding for a few more years. If having kids is not a priority this shouldn't matter to you. If you are pressuring yourself for more out of the relationship, then you'll have to have a stronger backbone than this. One thing I like to do is visualize what I see for myself. If you can visualize that future and everything in it that you wish and hope for and pay attention to your initial gut instincts and thoughts on it, you'll know exactly what you have to do. Or what should be done. If the vision is scattered or doubtful, find the strength to slow it down or walk away.

    Hope you feel better soon.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    You are being taken advantage of financially and you're being manipulated emotionally.

    How can you consider marrying someone that has a big secret he won't tell you and blaming you for not being able to tell it? I don't know how you could let this go and have any happy moments together, while hangs overhead.

    Do not marry this man. I know people will disagree with me but needing couples counseling before marriage is a big red flag IMHO. Maybe if it was martial advice and both people are just looking to start of on the right foot... but not in this instance.

    Finances is a major cause of martial strife. Maybe you guys are incompatible and the way he is treating you... like he playing some game or something.

    Don't hold on to a bad relationship because of history. If he is not willing to be transparent and work with you, what does that tell you?

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    He knows, yes, but does he agree? And I don't mean just lip service to shut you up and make you happy, I mean does he really agree. From what you are posting here, even with the clarification, it doesn't sound like he is even remotely on the same page as you. His lips and feet are moving in opposite directions.

    OP, couple's therapy is for people who've been married 20+years, have had a mostly good marriage, have children and a life built together and might be having some temporary issues they need some help reconciling or talking through. When you have to go to counseling to make a dating relationship work, that's your clue that you aren't compatible.
    If you make more than him, then why not go back to work and have him stay home more with kids? Thats what my cousin and her husband did. The first little while, she stayed home, then he scaled his hours back and was ultimately laid off and he stayed with the kids. Also, if you work part time -- when will you do that -- evenings and weekends when he is home? And never see eachother?

    If you want to stay home with the kids, you will have to save for it, not say "his income has to be the sole income."
    I think he is reluctant and you won't listen and that's why he is throwing out this financial news.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Huge secrets like this are a deal breaker. Sadly you're afraid to address this. And sadly, you bought a house with someone like this.

    This is not about your dream of marriage a pickett fence and being a housewife/stay at home parent.

    Any one of those dreams are fine. What's not so fine is a guy who's coasting along and deceitful about at least one huge thing that you are aware of so far

  10. #29
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Kitty2705
    He said heís still feeling insecure after being dumped (even though he understands why I got to that point). He needs to feel secure in the relationship again.
    How can he feel insecure in the relationship when you've helped pay for his braces, paid the lion's share of your housing expense, and have been actively attending couple's therapy with him?

    What more do you have to do? Tap an artery?

    Puh-leeease. That "Poor me, I'm insecure because of you" bit is pure BS.

    It takes a very healthy sense of security for him to keep a financial secret from you when he knows how concerned you are over finances. That's outright ballsy.

    Believe me, he's plenty secure.

    Problem is, he knows you better than you know yourself. He's got you by your guilt complex and your sense of commitment.

    You have invested a lot of time into an extremely manipulative parasite, and the psychology of sunk cost is working against you.

    Five years is enough time, too much time, to waste on someone like this. I sincerely hope that you realize this very, very soon.

    Originally Posted by Capricorn3
    I would rather walk away than end up getting divorced 1 or 2 years after getting married.
    Or worse... 5 years, 10 years, 20 years tangled up emotionally and financially draining, unfulfilling marriage. It's like a prison sentence. Why do that to yourself?
    Last edited by Jibralta; 10-23-2020 at 07:21 AM.

  11. #30
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    Honestly, it seems like you bought a house to prove to yourself the relationship is stable and that its moving forward.

    Vs him getting down on one knee or you both looking at eachother and saying "lets get hitched" and actually doing it vs buying a house first

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