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Thread: Partner of 5+ years is keeping a financial secret

  1. #11
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    y company do not do maternity pay so I would be relying on him to provide

    Nope.
    if you make 80% of the money, then its also up to you to save to be not working 6 weeks to 6 months or more after having a baby. You will rely heavily on him for grocery runs, to make some money so you are not living of of savings but its unrealistic for the person making 20% of the money to fund 100% of the lifestyle. If you bought a house or renting someone you are not married to, a good rule of thumb is to pick an equitable place to live -- unless it means you live in an unsafe, run down building, go with what the one who makes less can afford half of. The 2 bedroom condo vs the gated community 4 bedroom home or the 3 bedroom ranch vs the mini mansion.

    That being said, I would not be down with secrets. I do think its okay if he had a small debt that he was paying off that he didn't tell you about, and its okay for both of you at this point to have discretionary income - after all, you are not married. I learned the hard way to always have a little emergency money set aside that was separate and only for me. But the way he is talking about it sounds EXTREMELY fishy and i would wonder if it was something big lie child support you didn't know about or something shadier.

    BTW, if you are NOT getting married and its broken off for good - i agree that the money he saved towards the wedding is his to do with what he pleases.
    If you are NOT getting married, its time to sell the house or buy him out of it.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    y company do not do maternity pay so I would be relying on him to provide

    Nope.
    if you make 80% of the money, then its also up to you to save to be not working 6 weeks to 6 months or more after having a baby. You will rely heavily on him for grocery runs, to make some money so you are not living of of savings but its unrealistic for the person making 20% of the money to fund 100% of the lifestyle. If you bought a house or renting someone you are not married to, a good rule of thumb is to pick an equitable place to live -- unless it means you live in an unsafe, run down building, go with what the one who makes less can afford half of. The 2 bedroom condo vs the gated community 4 bedroom home or the 3 bedroom ranch vs the mini mansion.

    That being said, I would not be down with secrets. I do think its okay if he had a small debt that he was paying off that he didn't tell you about, and its okay for both of you at this point to have discretionary income - after all, you are not married. I learned the hard way to always have a little emergency money set aside that was separate and only for me. But the way he is talking about it sounds EXTREMELY fishy and i would wonder if it was something big lie child support you didn't know about or something shadier.

    BTW, if you are NOT getting married and its broken off for good - i agree that the money he saved towards the wedding is his to do with what he pleases.
    If you are NOT getting married, its time to sell the house or buy him out of it.
    Great advice. Also why are you saving money towards a wedding -what's the expense? Given your financial situation I'm not sure it makes sense to have a big party you have to save for - why not have a lovely wedding ceremony and perhaps a nice lunch with family/a few friends after and have a party when you can afford it (my wedding including everything -clothing too plus religious officiant fee, etc was around $1,500).

  3. #13
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Going to be very blunt here.

    I think you are marching blindly ahead with your plans for house, marriage, baby, etc while completely ignoring the fact that your partner is not really on board with any of that OR stopping to even consider if he is the kind of a man you should marry at all.

    I think if you continue to bulldoze your way forward, you are in for a world of hurt and a divorce down the road.....an expensive one for you, as you'll end up paying him alimony. So if you insist on carrying on, at the very least get a good prenup for yourself.

    As for the maternity leave, since you are the higher earner, it would be on him to stay home, not you. You need to be realistic about needing to get back to work asap because no, you will not be able to live on just savings and 20% of income.

    Regarding finances at large, once you are engaged and planning marriage, you are correct that there can no longer be any secrets or "none of your business" type responses. This is a time where all cards have to go on the table and you have to work out how you are both going to manage money and debts going forward as a couple. If he is keeping secrets or you simply cannot agree and do not see eye to eye on this, that's your giant flashing neon sign that you are not compatible and shouldn't be getting married. disagreeing about money is one of the huge reasons for divorce. This is not a topic to be treated lightly.

  4. #14
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    For clarity, I do not earn a huge amount more than him, I have always been good at saving and I made money from selling my apartment. First post was maybe misleading. I am not Ďbulldozing aheadí with plans either, we have both discussed our future including children after marriage. I want to work part time after I have children so that I can spend as much time as possible with them. Thatís a personal choice and one he knows. Weíre not talking small money here, it seems to be thousands heís planning to spend on something without yet telling me. Thanks all for the input, itís much appreciated!

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Kitty2705
    For clarity, I do not earn a huge amount more than him, I have always been good at saving and I made money from selling my apartment. First post was maybe misleading. I am not Ďbulldozing aheadí with plans either, we have both discussed our future including children after marriage. I want to work part time after I have children so that I can spend as much time as possible with them. Thatís a personal choice and one he knows. Weíre not talking small money here, it seems to be thousands heís planning to spend on something without yet telling me. Thanks all for the input, itís much appreciated!
    He knows, yes, but does he agree? And I don't mean just lip service to shut you up and make you happy, I mean does he really agree. From what you are posting here, even with the clarification, it doesn't sound like he is even remotely on the same page as you. His lips and feet are moving in opposite directions.

    OP, couple's therapy is for people who've been married 20+years, have had a mostly good marriage, have children and a life built together and might be having some temporary issues they need some help reconciling or talking through. When you have to go to counseling to make a dating relationship work, that's your clue that you aren't compatible.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Trust and equity are the backbone of a partnership. This is unbalanced and he doesn't have your back when it counts.
    That's not something that can really be worked out IMO.
    A man ( or woman) shows you who thry are when things get a little rough. He's shown you. He can't even buck up and do the right thing after an argument. That's emotionally immaturity.
    You want the person who you can rely on, and him you. Well he can rely on you but not the other way around.
    You need to find your equal, and he's not it. Just my opinion.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Cancel marriage plans. Your partner is shady, tricky, deceitful and distrustful. Never marry him and never have children with him otherwise you will regret it.

    Dissolve the relationship. If you think you're frustrated now, you can't imagine the hell he'll put you through later especially if you become legally (married) entangled with him. Release him from your life so you will not carry financial burdens and never have to feel wary and jaded.

    Your partner is a disaster waiting to happen. It's increasingly apparent that he'll make your financial nightmare worse as time marches on.

    Exit the relationship while you can. Better safe than sorry.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Formally married and divorced here. We divorced for several reasons and one of them for having different values regarding money.
    While going through my divorce I read something I wish I had seen prior to getting married.

    That you need to set aside all the warm fuzzy, romantic reasons why you would marry someone and ask yourself if this is someone you would consider going into business with.

    Because marraige, running a household and raising a family if very much a business. If you have different values and views on how to handle money, you underestimate the importance of what it plays in the marraige and the balance of power it represents - then you are setting yourself for lifetime of challenges and likely disappointments.

    He's already making unilateral decisions without you and telling you it's none of your business.. What do you think the rest of your life will look like?

  10. #19
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    OP, what are you going to do?

  11. #20
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    Carpricorn3, I really donít know, I feel like thereís a cloud hanging over the relationship until he tells me what this thing is. He said heís still feeling insecure after being dumped (even though he understands why I got to that point). He needs to feel secure in the relationship again. I feel like I canít decide until he opens up to me.
    I have told him Iím ready to listen when he wants to tell me so I hope that doesnít take long. We are in therapy now and I feel itís premature to walk away just yet.

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