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Thread: Iím confused and unsure

  1. #21
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    I think that it is good that the wedding is off.

    Have you considered couples counseling. I think that something is off in your relationship, and this is why you are attracted to the other guy.
    Pretty much exactly what I was thinking. Although I was thinking more along the line of breaking up, rather than couples counselling. It just sounds to me like you're not ready for marriage, and/or that this might not be the guy. Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by unsure27
    I have moments where I feel like this relationship was quietly pushed together by family members. Weird feeling and I know is just a silly thought. But thatís been a thought.
    I don't know how silly it it, to be honest. It does seem to me like this relationship has been pushed along to some degree.

  3. #23

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    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    Pretty much exactly what I was thinking. Although I was thinking more along the line of breaking up, rather than couples counselling. It just sounds to me like you're not ready for marriage, and/or that this might not be the guy.
    Definitely not as ready for marriage as I thought I was. Thankfully I learned that before the wedding date. Which when it came to the wedding planning it didnít seem like things were to go simple with it. Seemed like everything that was suppose to happen either had people complaining about cost or something else came up to make those plans not possible.

    I do still care very much about him that I would like to see if we are fixable before throwing in the towel mainly because I know if I left Iíd always be thinking well what if....

  4. #24

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    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    I don't know how silly it it, to be honest. It does seem to me like this relationship has been pushed along to some degree.
    Makes me feel better knowing Iím not just being told Iím crazy or imagining things.

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  6. #25

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    Something else I learned last night while we had our conversation was that I have a quirk that drives him up the walls. That quirk being I come home from work and go straight into house work and barn chores. Where he would like for me to sit for 10-15 mins to breathe and talk. Which I dont mind doing however he doesnít start the conversation or even say that he wants to talk. I multitask and talk as Iím working. I listen as well and if it ever gets serious I would stop what Iím doing and sit to chat with him.

    Just seemed like a lot of things he said last night made me feel that he doesnít know me very well as a person. Not as much as he says he does.

    Also I need to point out that moving into an apartment is not something I can do because I have farm animals to take with me. So if I leave it would be purchasing my own house to form into a home. Or moving back home (which I really donít wanna do)

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ok, so is communicating better. This is the key. Not "more" communication, it's better communication. If someone were "multitasking" while I was trying to talk with them, I would walk right out the door.

    Stop "multitasking", it's very rude and distracting. Do you like talking at someone with their minds, hands, eyes, etc. elsewhere? That is not communication, this is not multitasking, it is shutting out, deprioritizing, half ignoring. You see, you Both have to try, not just him.

    Not just him talking More, when that never works. Focus on quality time, quality communication. Couples therapy is kind of a silly idea, when you want to multitask, and he is more reflective and pensive. Particularly if you have one foot out the door so much so that you are thinking about moving back home.
    Originally Posted by unsure27
    I multitask and talk as Iím working. I listen as well and if it ever gets serious I would stop what Iím doing and sit to chat with him.
    Last edited by Wiseman2; 10-20-2020 at 09:57 AM.

  8. #27

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Ok, so is communicating better. This is the key. Not "more" communication, it's better communication.

    Stop "multitasking", it's very rude and distracting. Do you like talking at someone with their minds, hands, eyes, etc. elsewhere? That is not communication, this is not multitasking, it is shutting out, deprioritizing, half ignoring. You see, you Both have to try, not just him.

    Not just him talking More, when that never works. Focus on quality time, quality communication. Couples therapy is kind of a silly idea, when you want to multitask, and he is more reflective and pensive. Particularly if you have one foot out the door so much so that you are thinking about moving back home.
    The way I work I multitask to get things done so then we can sit down and be together. My timing is just done. No I agree I donít like it when someone else is doing something while talking but itís not that Iím sitting on my phone not listening. Iím doing laundry or dishes. Iím not completely distracted thatís just how Iím wired. Iím working on making it better and slowing down now that I understand how heís feeling.

    I am open and communicating as much as I can. I donít shut down often. It will always come out and I will always say whatís on my mind to keep communication.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sounds like you resent coming home doing all the housework rightfully so and use this as a passive aggressive show to let him know how busy and overwhelmed you are. Get take-out and sit down together and eat. And talk. He's not asking for a kidney. He's asking for some relaxed company when you come home from work.

    That is not communication. "That's how I'm wired" is a strange thing to say when he quietly processes and reflects to deal, and that's not ok.

    Actually it's not 'how you're wired' what you you learned at home and choose to do. Forcing someone to be a clone of you is a huge mistake couples starting out tend to make.
    Originally Posted by unsure27
    The way I work I multitask to get things done so then we can sit down and be together. My timing is just done. No I agree I donít like it when someone else is doing something while talking but itís not that Iím sitting on my phone not listening. Iím doing laundry or dishes. Iím not completely distracted thatís just how Iím wired. Iím working on making it better and slowing down now that I understand how heís feeling.

    I am open and communicating as much as I can. I donít shut down often. It will always come out and I will always say whatís on my mind to keep communication.

  10. #29

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sounds like you resent coming home doing all the housework rightfully so and use this as a passive aggressive show to let him know how busy and overwhelmed you are. Get take-out and sit down together and eat. And talk. He's not asking for a kidney. He's asking for some relaxed company when you come home from work.

    That is not communication. "That's how I'm wired" is a strange thing to say when he quietly processes and reflects to deal, and that's not ok.

    Actually it's not 'how you're wired' what you you learned at home and choose to do. Forcing someone to be a clone of you is a huge mistake couples starting out tend to make.
    Keep in mind please that I did not know that this is what he wanted or needed until last night. We have different time frames when it comes to how we want to spend the time right after work. Iím trying to beat the dark then relax and heís trying to relax then beat the dark.

    I also do not see or understand how you think I am forcing him to become a clone of me.

  11. #30

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    Originally Posted by JenCrowley
    Interesting. Well, I think that this is your key right here, the root of the problem in the relationship so to speak: this something missing. I agree with others that you should look into counseling and, hopefully, through counseling you may discover what this missing something is.

    Have you had any serious relationships before the one you are in now? If so, how did your past relationships compare to your current one?
    Iíve had 1 serious relationship before this one. That relationship lasted 3 years before I ended it. Comparing the two my last one was more toxic in a way. He wasnít abusive or anything like that but he made things hard. He didnít want to help my farm life or be with me there we fought more and my family didnít get along with him.

    Where as this relationship is not toxic, we donít fight, he is supportive with my life choices and helps the best he can. Plus my family loves him.

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