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Thread: I’m confused and unsure

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Instead of saying, "I like to be thoughtful and ask you if you need anything when I get up. It's important you do the same for me." You keep things bottled up instead of communicating. Also, when you cried about moving in because you're a mama's girl, and then probably composed yourself before getting in the shower, you thought he could read your mind that you weren't emotionally ready for sex at that particular moment. He can't read minds. Don't assume or expect that. Tell him how you're feeling.

    And then maybe you feel like you can't know the real him because he holds back tears and being emotional. Perhaps all those things are frustrating you and the reason for an emotional disconnect.

    Emotional disconnection makes you susceptible for emotional affairs. It's on you for going there at work. When you're exclusive, the guy at work who you have chemistry with is the guy you totally have to be careful about NOT treating him any differently than any other co-worker, which means not stopping at his desk for chats, not exchanging numbers with, not accepting friend requests on social media, and cutting chats short if he's the one going to your desk.

    You don't start a new relationship until ending the one you're in. Either work on what you have, or break up and be alone for a good long while, because rebounds often fail.

    While waiting for counseling if that's your choice, you can get books on communication that you and your bf could take turns reading out loud to one another. A good one is Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. The Five Love Languages is also a good book for couples to learn about what each values for showing love, and how each wants to be shown love.

    Or, maybe you feel as though you need more dating experiences before settling down. If that's the case, if I were you, I wouldn't move back home. I'd rent something by yourself, since you don't want to tie those apron strings again, because it's not healthy to seek the comfort of your parents home and be stuck as their babyish child, preventing you from growing and evolving into an independent woman. Take care and let us know how it goes. Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #12
    Gold Member ShySoul's Avatar
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    I'm seeing a lack of communication and time together. Even when you were COVID lockdown for months, it feels like there were two separate worlds. You did your thing and he played his games. You're not really talking when on the phone and aren't making conversation or seeming to take that much interest in what's going on in your lives. You say he isn't opening up because he want to be a "man." Put together, all of this is creating a void in your relationship. You aren't connecting or bonding like a couple. There's a distance. So when you met someone interesting at work, you developed a crush to fill that void. You are trying to find that something missing.

    Do you have any common interests or hobbies? If you want your relationship to work out, you need to find a way to connect with each other. You need to find something to do together, something to talk about that can reignite the spark. He needs to open himself up. And you both need to be honest with your feelings and with each other. You need to find what's missing and work together to figure out what you both want and need from the relationship.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by unsure27
    Near the end of the second month of my new position I felt a draw towards one of the people I had recently met. Now when I say draw what I mean is I did not look at this person and feel an attraction as I was not here to do that I had found my person and I was just here to work. However after a couple weeks I found myself talking to them more and more.
    But - that's exactly what you mean when you say feel a draw, isn't it?

    You're attracted to this person. You want to see them and interact. Maybe that's what has been missing in your relationship with your fiancé. Have you ever felt that way about him, or were you perhaps not dating him for the right reasons, in your heart or hearts?

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It's important to understand different coping styles. "Opening up", "talking", "crying", etc is not for everyone

    . In fact processing and reflecting quietly is just fine. Let each other be who you are.

    Sadly there is often too much misguided emphasis on "opening up". For many people being forced to talk is extremely stressful.
    Originally Posted by unsure27
    He sees it as he’s the man and is not suppose to be vulnerable. He’s suppose to be strong and tough no tears. (This is all him btw I do not see that is how a man is suppose to be especially with his future wife. Which I’ve explained to him as well).

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  6. #15

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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    What's the outcome that you want?
    I really can not think of any way to answer this question..... I feel that if I knew the outcome I want I wouldn’t be in this situation.

  7. #16

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    Originally Posted by Andrina
    Instead of saying, "I like to be thoughtful and ask you if you need anything when I get up. It's important you do the same for me." You keep things bottled up instead of communicating. Also, when you cried about moving in because you're a mama's girl, and then probably composed yourself before getting in the shower, you thought he could read your mind that you weren't emotionally ready for sex at that particular moment. He can't read minds. Don't assume or expect that. Tell him how you're feeling.

    And then maybe you feel like you can't know the real him because he holds back tears and being emotional. Perhaps all those things are frustrating you and the reason for an emotional disconnect.

    Emotional disconnection makes you susceptible for emotional affairs. It's on you for going there at work. When you're exclusive, the guy at work who you have chemistry with is the guy you totally have to be careful about NOT treating him any differently than any other co-worker, which means not stopping at his desk for chats, not exchanging numbers with, not accepting friend requests on social media, and cutting chats short if he's the one going to your desk.

    You don't start a new relationship until ending the one you're in. Either work on what you have, or break up and be alone for a good long while, because rebounds often fail.

    While waiting for counseling if that's your choice, you can get books on communication that you and your bf could take turns reading out loud to one another. A good one is Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. The Five Love Languages is also a good book for couples to learn about what each values for showing love, and how each wants to be shown love.

    Or, maybe you feel as though you need more dating experiences before settling down. If that's the case, if I were you, I wouldn't move back home. I'd rent something by yourself, since you don't want to tie those apron strings again, because it's not healthy to seek the comfort of your parents home and be stuck as their babyish child, preventing you from growing and evolving into an independent woman. Take care and let us know how it goes.
    You have pointed out a lot of things that have gone through my head as to maybe this is why this situation has forward.

  8. #17

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    Originally Posted by ShySoul
    I'm seeing a lack of communication and time together. Even when you were COVID lockdown for months, it feels like there were two separate worlds. You did your thing and he played his games. You're not really talking when on the phone and aren't making conversation or seeming to take that much interest in what's going on in your lives. You say he isn't opening up because he want to be a "man." Put together, all of this is creating a void in your relationship. You aren't connecting or bonding like a couple. There's a distance. So when you met someone interesting at work, you developed a crush to fill that void. You are trying to find that something missing.

    Do you have any common interests or hobbies? If you want your relationship to work out, you need to find a way to connect with each other. You need to find something to do together, something to talk about that can reignite the spark. He needs to open himself up. And you both need to be honest with your feelings and with each other. You need to find what's missing and work together to figure out what you both want and need from the relationship.
    I agree completely there is a lack of communication between us. We have some common interests. We both like to game but have no games to play together as of yet. We both enjoy basketball but never go anywheres to play.

  9. #18

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    It's important to understand different coping styles. "Opening up", "talking", "crying", etc is not for everyone

    . In fact processing and reflecting quietly is just fine. Let each other be who you are.

    Sadly there is often too much misguided emphasis on "opening up". For many people being forced to talk is extremely stressful.
    Coping for myself is all of the above. I usually cry, stay quite and reflect until I am ready to open up and talk about what is going on.

  10. #19

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    Here’s an update as of last night. My fiancé and I had a long talk on the phone of pretty much everything. About our feelings, our situation, thoughts. He asked his questions that he needed to ask and I did as well. I did mention to him that I believe couples counselling maybe something we should try. He has a hard time thinking about talking to someone outside of our relationship but after he understood that we are in a rough spot and neither of us know how to get out of it he agreed that it maybe something to try. We need more communication no question there. I want to work to fix our relationship.

    I greatly appreciate all of your advice, thank you for understanding.

  11. #20

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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    But - that's exactly what you mean when you say feel a draw, isn't it?

    You're attracted to this person. You want to see them and interact. Maybe that's what has been missing in your relationship with your fiancé. Have you ever felt that way about him, or were you perhaps not dating him for the right reasons, in your heart or hearts?
    When I first met my fiancé there was an attraction however I was meeting him as a “fling” at first which he knew and it just grew from there. Moments though I look back and try to remember why it grew. Unfortunately I can not say that I felt the draw to him.

    It maybe possible that we didn’t start dating for the right reasons. I have moments where I feel like this relationship was quietly pushed together by family members. Weird feeling and I know is just a silly thought. But that’s been a thought.

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