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Thread: Six weeks into my separation and these are the thoughts haunting me

  1. #1
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    Six weeks into my separation and these are the thoughts haunting me

    That my husband and his family, who have acted like my family over the last decade, wouldn't validate my belief that I experienced emotional abuse. I don't know why I want the validation so badly, but it hurts that I was made to feel like a little girl whining about normal husband and wife fighting and that I'm too soft for marriage. My husband said he's remorseful (and definitely seemed distraught) but he refuses to agree to the term abuse, which was important to me. Like, am I crazy? I find it abusive to threaten divorce, to fight with me to the point that I'm crying and continue to do so, to ignore how I feel, to name call, etc. My husband says he can learn to improve through therapy and learn to not "pick small fights" with me, and that I'm giving up on our marriage without giving him a chance- feels like I have been giving him chances. And yes this is the first time he's in therapy (because I ran from home to stay with my parents) but if he can't admit he was abusive I just can't trust him.

    I feel sadness over the good stuff, and confusion over how he could be so terrible and also so loving. He wasn't a complete monster. He showed a lot of love, we shared interests, he was protective and respectful, but he would have these bouts of getting angry at me for no good reason. He was unpredictable with his mood. He held grudges with me and his family (who all normalize it). I feel like part of me is also just fed up with that aspect of his personality and doesn't believe it can change.

    I feel fear for my future. I really do want to believe I can find love again and one day remarry and have kids. I don't even know what else is out there. My husband was my first long term relationship, I've been with him since my early twenties. I'm scared of repeating my mistakes and falling for someone with similar attributes.

    Right now I'm staying with my parents, who are thankfully so supportive, and I'm unable to work. I really just want a fresh start and I want to apply to new stuff while I'm on sick leave, and I worry about finding a new job.

    Lastly, it feels like I have no friends. I realize I've lost touch with most of them, I have three that know what's going on with me and they're busy people who don't live nearby.

    Basically I feel like I couldn't save my marriage, I'm worried about what my life will look like, and though I have my parents I don't feel like I have enough support or people talking to me or checking in with me.

  2. #2
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Originally Posted by PinkMoonlite
    That my husband and his family, who have acted like my family over the last decade, wouldn't validate my belief that I experienced emotional abuse. I don't know why I want the validation so badly, but it hurts that I was made to feel like a little girl whining about normal husband and wife fighting and that I'm too soft for marriage. My husband said he's remorseful (and definitely seemed distraught) but he refuses to agree to the term abuse, which was important to me. Like, am I crazy? I find it abusive to threaten divorce, to fight with me to the point that I'm crying and continue to do so, to ignore how I feel, to name call, etc. My husband says he can learn to improve through therapy and learn to not "pick small fights" with me, and that I'm giving up on our marriage without giving him a chance- feels like I have been giving him chances. And yes this is the first time he's in therapy (because I ran from home to stay with my parents) but if he can't admit he was abusive I just can't trust him.

    I feel sadness over the good stuff, and confusion over how he could be so terrible and also so loving. He wasn't a complete monster. He showed a lot of love, we shared interests, he was protective and respectful, but he would have these bouts of getting angry at me for no good reason. He was unpredictable with his mood. He held grudges with me and his family (who all normalize it). I feel like part of me is also just fed up with that aspect of his personality and doesn't believe it can change.

    I feel fear for my future. I really do want to believe I can find love again and one day remarry and have kids. I don't even know what else is out there. My husband was my first long term relationship, I've been with him since my early twenties. I'm scared of repeating my mistakes and falling for someone with similar attributes.

    Right now I'm staying with my parents, who are thankfully so supportive, and I'm unable to work. I really just want a fresh start and I want to apply to new stuff while I'm on sick leave, and I worry about finding a new job.

    Lastly, it feels like I have no friends. I realize I've lost touch with most of them, I have three that know what's going on with me and they're busy people who don't live nearby.

    Basically I feel like I couldn't save my marriage, I'm worried about what my life will look like, and though I have my parents I don't feel like I have enough support or people talking to me or checking in with me.
    People like that will NEVER validate you. You need to validate you.

  3. #3
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    I agree. I am sorry you're going through this! What did you do while you were married to maintain your friendships and make friends? Do you have time to interact with and meet new people now? Do you do any volunteer work? Go to a gym or do any outdoor activities?

    Again I'm sorry you're going through a rough time.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Good you are starting over. You need to stop talking to him and his people, except trough your attorney.

    Denying the abuse is part of the abuse, stop chasing that.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by PinkMoonlite
    it hurts that I was made to feel like a little girl whining about normal husband and wife fighting and that I'm too soft for marriage. My husband said he's remorseful (and definitely seemed distraught) but he refuses to agree to the term abuse, which was important to me. Like, am I crazy?
    That's part of the abuse. You're not crazy. You're being gaslighted.

    Originally Posted by PinkMoonlite
    He wasn't a complete monster.
    They never are. There's always a shining good side to people, which is what makes it so hard to leave when you're with someone who is abusive.

    Originally Posted by PinkMoonlite
    He held grudges with me and his family (who all normalize it). I feel like part of me is also just fed up with that aspect of his personality and doesn't believe it can change.
    It's very common for abusive families to normalize abusive behavior. Think about it: that's all they know. And you're right--it probably can't change. Not with that kind of reinforcement.

    Originally Posted by PinkMoonlite
    I'm scared of repeating my mistakes and falling for someone with similar attributes.

    Right now I'm staying with my parents, who are thankfully so supportive, and I'm unable to work. I really just want a fresh start and I want to apply to new stuff while I'm on sick leave, and I worry about finding a new job.

    Lastly, it feels like I have no friends. I realize I've lost touch with most of them, I have three that know what's going on with me and they're busy people who don't live nearby.
    Take it slow and gradually rebuild. It's not a race. Take your time.

    Originally Posted by PinkMoonlite
    Basically I feel like I couldn't save my marriage
    You're not a failure. You were in an impossible situation that was dragging you into hell. You shouldn't have saved your marriage. It was killing you.

    Originally Posted by PinkMoonlite
    though I have my parents I don't feel like I have enough support or people talking to me or checking in with me.
    Until you rebuild your support system (and even after!), keep checking back here with us :)

  7. #6
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    For your own head and all practical purposes, don't conflate emotional terms with legal terms, and from there you can understand the 'why' behind not hearing what you want.

    Asking someone to admit to 'abuse' is like asking someone who knows that you're recording them to admit to assault--it's not going to happen.

    So skip the technical language for long enough to decide whether this man's treatment of you is excusable--NOT in a court of law, but rather, in the court of YOU.

    Whatever judge or jury you might imagine is irrelevant and not participating at this moment. So focus on the kind of future you envision for yourself, and decide whether this man--such as he is--will continue to be a part of that, or not.

    Nobody else is living your private life FOR you, so nobody else gets a vote.

    If you want to base your decision on legal or monetary considerations, get proper legal advice for your specific location, and make informed choices based on that information from there.

    Otherwise, you're only basing your choices on emotions alone, regardless of whose emotional pleas are most persuasive, and that's no way to live.

    REAL legal information is the only practical information you can gain at this time. You have plenty of time to deal with the emotional stuff AFTER you've been properly informed of your options.

    Head high, and be smart. You will thank yourself later.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member SooSad33's Avatar
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    First of all, don't even think of 'what might be', long term thoughts :/.

    You are going through a lot right now - being separated, dealing with emotional abuse etc.

    I suggest YOU consider some supportive ongoing therapy for yourself. Your experience with your husband has caused some damage.

    Is good you have some supportive family and even a few friends is good. :)

    By sounds of it, you do realize what types of abuse there is. Not just physical. There are many more.
    So, that's a start!

    Good on you to now react- for your own well-being.

    You have now taken steps and reacted to his actions . So commend yourself for all of this. <3

    So often things do not work out.. and yes, long term is hard to pull away and will take a good amt of time to work through it all and work on healing.

    This is what you need to do now.. Focus on YOU. Get yourself back to good again.

    One day at a time... TC

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Well, I'm checking in on you, PM. Hope you are well and coping these past few days. How are you?

    Keep up the good work. Stay the course and stick to what you feel is best for you. Things will be a blur for awhile. I agree with everything the others have said. You can rebuild your life from here, knowing now a bit more about what you need to be happy.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I agree. I am sorry you're going through this! What did you do while you were married to maintain your friendships and make friends? Do you have time to interact with and meet new people now? Do you do any volunteer work? Go to a gym or do any outdoor activities?

    Again I'm sorry you're going through a rough time.
    These are good ideas for meeting new people, but due to covid they're either not possible (gyms are closed here) or too risky right now while I'm living with my older parents. I maintain my few friendships by texting and face timing often. I may try looking into socially distanced meet ups when I feel more up for it, I know people have done them based on interests as a way to make friends so hopefully there's something I can try.

    I will keep checking in here- it feels good to see responses and have people read what I write. I'm doing weekly therapy which is helpful but it's nice to be able to vent more. I'm just struggling all the time, which I know isn't unusual given the circumstances. It's just so odd to me that I have/had a genuine bond with someone capable of causing me so much distress. Sometimes I just want to share certain incidents with people and demand to know if I'm overreacting, even though I know my own opinion is what matters. I'm weirded out that someone I shared a bed with for years and trusted and loved, had inside jokes with and moments where I felt cared for, can now render me a panicked mess if I see him call me. Sometimes I still ask myself "was it THAT bad?" but it had to be because I left. And sometimes I wonder what people are thinking when they tell me "couples get through worse than this, you guys can work through it". Like yes he never physically hurt me, but constantly getting upset over small things not in my control and playing what I felt were mind games, and blaming me for not managing his emotions and threatening to leave me (regardless of whether or not he meant it) I might be cold but I think it's risky to stick with someone on the chance that they improve those things or not.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It's just one day at a time. You'll have racing thoughts for awhile. It's all part and parcel of the process.

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