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Thread: Six weeks into my separation and these are the thoughts haunting me

  1. #11
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    So strange that within an hour of writing here he came to give me early birthday presents. It was terrible- he was crying and insisting he loves me so much and that I'm right, he's been reflecting and he needs to do better, and that he'll do therapy and do whatever it takes. I do believe he's remorseful, but I don't know how he can change his temper and I have a hard time believing he didn't know he's been mean to me in moments. I feel immense guilt that I can't forgive him, or that I can but that I'm so distrusting. I'm worried that I'm not good at marriage- if couples supposedly get through this and worse, then maybe I'm bad at giving people chances to improve and change? That's what's on my mind.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It's withdrawal. He needs time to process also. You'll need to draw the line at visits and calls or other contact eventually.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by PinkMoonlite
    It's just so odd to me that I have/had a genuine bond with someone capable of causing me so much distress...... I'm weirded out that someone I shared a bed with for years and trusted and loved, had inside jokes with and moments where I felt cared for, can now render me a panicked mess if I see him call me.
    Weird, isn't it? But people hold contradictory feelings and beliefs all the time. I was literally just talking about this phenomenon tonight.

    Originally Posted by PinkMoonlite
    I feel immense guilt that I can't forgive him, or that I can but that I'm so distrusting.
    He has shown you that he is not trustworthy with his unpredictable bouts of anger. He completely minimized your feelings. You would be crazy to trust him. You can forgive him. But forgiving him doesn't mean that you have to agree with him, or (worse) get back together with him.

    Originally Posted by PinkMoonlite
    I'm worried that I'm not good at marriage- if couples supposedly get through this and worse, then maybe I'm bad at giving people chances to improve and change? That's what's on my mind.
    Don't think that way. Nobody should stay in an abusive situation just to prove a point like that. That's silly. Besides, it makes no sense. How many changes are you supposed to give? Infinite? Are you a doormat? Are you responsible for everybody else's behavior, or just his? How much of your own happiness do you have to sacrifice? Where does it end?

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear that. You are in the cycle of abuse. Many people return to abusive situations over and over, like you because they are brainwashed by the abuser, like you are..

    Many return because they have cognitive dissonance. They don't want to fully accept that they are in an untenable situation.

    The birthday show he put on was to get you back, replete with crocodile tears. You have not taken any measures to protect yourself.

    When you are ready to read up on abuse, get appropriate counseling, and take action to improve your life, you will.

    Maybe it will get physical, maybe you'll be broke by then, but when you hit rock bottom, you may make up your mind to end the self destruction.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry to hear that. You are in the cycle of abuse. Many people return to abusive situations over and over, like you because they are brainwashed by the abuser, like you are..

    Many return because they have cognitive dissonance. They don't want to fully accept that they are in an untenable situation.

    The birthday show he put on was to get you back, replete with crocodile tears. You have not taken any measures to protect yourself.

    When you are ready to read up on abuse, get appropriate counseling, and take action to improve your life, you will.

    Maybe it will get physical, maybe you'll be broke by then, but when you hit rock bottom, you may make up your mind to end the self destruction.
    I don't think it's your intention, and I definitely appreciate that you check on me, but your response makes me feel lonely/misunderstood. I'm taking the steps towards divorce with my lawyer and I haven't once gone back on my decision during this separation. That said, I do have some very confusing thoughts that are uncomfortable for me. I know they're weird thoughts- confusion over why my husband is the way he is and sadness over wishing things could be different. I feel like this curiosity is important to my healing. I've been doing a lot of reading about emotional abuse, codependency, narcissism and self-love deficit disorder. But I don't have thoughts of returning despite the fear. I moved everything out of the house I shared with my husband and returned the key, and I made it known to him and my small support system that I can't return. I am in therapy weekly, but I think even when the divorce is final I might still have some of these weird thoughts. It helps me to put those thoughts out here in the open.

    I'm with you on the birthday thing being a show, definitely. We are supposed to be not talking but he showed up and I unfortunately opened the door to take them, but told him they don't change anything that's happening. I don't know why I had a hard time refusing to open the door, but I'm looking forward to him receiving the papers and giving him the message that all communications going forward have to be through the lawyer.

    That all said, it's been the crappiest birthday and I'm struggling with all the unknowns about my future. But I know somewhere inside myself I'm happy/grateful I'm finally doing this for myself. I just really hope it gets easier with time, because right now it's not easy and there are some moments where I don't even know how I'll survive it. Thanks to anyone who's reading this and with me.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    You actually sound a lot better now than you did when you first posted back in July. It will definitely get better with time. It already is getting better, it's just very difficult to see that from where you are at the moment.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    You actually sound a lot better now than you did when you first posted back in July. It will definitely get better with time. It already is getting better, it's just very difficult to see that from where you are at the moment.
    You're right, I look back at my first post and it was full of denial and suppressed feelings. I've come a long way- maybe not in terms of feeling better but there's comfort it knowing I'm doing the right thing in leaving. It's like I'm on autopilot. I try to tell myself I'm not the first person to go through this, and that I'm lucky to be getting out now and not after decades of misery and kids to complicate things. I guess every case is different, but it's unfortunate that I'm the first person I know to be going through a divorce. I do know a couple of people through my husband that I obviously can't lean on, but they're both much older.

    Feels like no one understands why I would be getting divorced at such a young age after only two years, despite having been with my husband for eight years. It looks like I either gave up too early or like I got married when I shouldn't have- the second one being the truth. Either way makes me feel like garbage. It's rough because I know it shouldn't matter what others think, but it does feel lonely that no one quite understands how I made such a mistake. I think simply put I was very young and inexperienced when I met my husband, and I didn't quite know how bad my situation was all this time. I'm trying not to be so hard on myself, but I just feel pretty stupid for having married someone capable of being so cruel and getting into this mess.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    You seem to worry a lot about what other people think.

    This mindset leads to allowing yourself to remain in situations that are not good for you. Or to feel guilt when you finally decide to look out for yourself.

    It's going to take time. Remember, we don't get points or a trophy for sacrificing ourselves so others can abuse us.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by PinkMoonlite
    You're right, I look back at my first post and it was full of denial and suppressed feelings.
    To me, that first post gave me the impression that you were being crushed. Slowly and inexorably crushed. Barely breathing under an extremely heavy weight.

    Originally Posted by PinkMoonlite
    it's unfortunate that I'm the first person I know to be going through a divorce.
    Yes, that's going to make it harder for sure. It may help to read other people's stories.

    Originally Posted by PinkMoonlite
    Feels like no one understands why I would be getting divorced at such a young age after only two years, despite having been with my husband for eight years. It looks like I either gave up too early or like I got married when I shouldn't have- the second one being the truth. Either way makes me feel like garbage. It's rough because I know it shouldn't matter what others think, but it does feel lonely that no one quite understands how I made such a mistake. I think simply put I was very young and inexperienced when I met my husband, and I didn't quite know how bad my situation was all this time. I'm trying not to be so hard on myself, but I just feel pretty stupid for having married someone capable of being so cruel and getting into this mess.
    Believe it or not, other people probably aren't thinking about this as much as you think they are. They are probably preoccupied with what's going on in their own lives. You are really dwelling on it because you're going through it, so it probably seems like the whole planet is revolving around your divorce.

    It's difficult not to measure yourself against other people, and tough to tune out the judgment of others. But try not to get too hung up in that. Remember that it's you and no one else who owns the spot that you're standing in. What you do is nobody's business but your own. They aren't walking in your shoes.

    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    It's going to take time. Remember, we don't get points or a trophy for sacrificing ourselves so others can abuse us.
    Very true!!

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