Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 28

Thread: How To Let Go

  1. #1
    columbia2020's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2020
    Location
    Texas
    Posts
    2
    Gender
    Female

    How To Let Go

    Two weeks ago, the man I've been in love with--and having a relationship with--admitted he is married.

    This was not an entirely surprising admission. When I first started seeing "Robert" two years ago, he told me he was divorced but that he "took care of" his ex-wife. She was a decade older than him, a recovering alcoholic, and they married after she began the process of emigrating to the US from Mexico. As he explained it, this made their long relationship seem one that was bound by his feelings of obligation to her for helping him become a US citizen and, in exchange, he promised she would never have to worry about being taken care of. When we met, he told me he was living apart from her, and, although I felt deeply suspicious, I ignored glaring red flags.

    In our first four months together, we had a ripping great time together. We took weekend trips, and he would pack his bag on Fridays and come to stay with me for the week. It felt like things were serious, and he often brought up marriage. As time wore on, however, he began to spend less time with me. Instead of coming on Friday to stay for the week, he would come on Sunday night. Eventually, every other week turned into once a month, which turned into never. Our weekend trips became half a day on Saturday and having to come back by a certain time because he needed to take "her" somewhere. I would probe. Why can't she drive herself? Why can't she take a bus? "I told you, babe, I take care of her," he would say.

    A few Friday nights ago, I pushed and pushed until he finally admitted to being married. Of course, I already knew, deep down inside. I had used public record search to try and locate a divorce record for him, and there was none. He told me he didn't think of it as a real marriage--they never exchanged rings, and he said he slept alone. He did not consider divorce, because he didn't want her to have half of everything, including his house, his 401K. But there's what you think you know, and then there is what you know. This weekend, I am alone while he is with her in El Paso. "You are always in my mind," he told me. As if that is some comfort. I don't believe it is a marriage in name only. Why would anyone believe a liar?

    Of course, I did not ask to be in a relationship with a married man. There were so many opportunities for him to tell me and he didn't. Yet, I can't seem to get angry. I want to be. I feel betrayed and lied to. But my overwhelming feeling is one of guilt and shame--that I was suspicious but went along with it all, because I was too afraid of being alone. I listened to his stories of prior cheating and congratulated myself for staying silent and non-judging. He was an accomplished cheater, having sex with a neighbor who subsequently told his wife. Bringing home an intellectually disabled woman he worked with and keeping her under his roof so he could have sex with her while his wife slept in another room. Deep inside, I knew with a thousand percent certainty that if he cheated on his wife with others, including me, he would cheat on me. He would joke about it. And then last August--of 2019, 10 months into the relationship, I observed him texting an ex while we were on a date. He was texting her the same words he often used with me: "Just thinking about you."

    I should have ended it then. But I didn't. Three years ago I moved to Texas from Virginia, knowing no one, for a work promotion. I really don't have many connections here, and I haven't relished the idea of being alone again.

    I have spent so much time trying to understand why he chose me, and why he continues to engage with me when it feels like there is such a lack of interest. Our "relationship" has dwindled down to a few hours at Chili's once a week or a few hours on a drive through the countryside. I don't know what he wants, why he bothers, and, more importantly, why I don't seem able to let go.

    I know that I deserve more, and better. That I deserve to be the priority in someone's life and not an afterthought. Yet I am hanging on, and I don't understand myself.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    40,619
    Gender
    Male
    How did you meet? Unavailable people seek out other unavailable people. Reflect on that.

    The weekend trips (out of town of course), the fun, the going out...why? He could not take you home, it could not get dull, even if he used your place as his love nest. As long as you do not want a future and this stays casual, you may not get hurt.

    At some level you must have realized you never went to his place, you were a secret, etc. It's up to you to decide if you want to grow old alone or find a single man. He is not going to leave his wife, no matter how "emotionally separated" they are, etc.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Location
    Surrey BC, Canada
    Posts
    2,330
    Gender
    Female
    The only way to let go is get to the root of why you chose to be with him even tho there were glaring red flags. You fear being alone? I get a sense of insecurity, that you feel you canít do better that this. Many have been in your position, getting lost, caught up in a sadness when reality hits. Guilt, fear, anger, all these emotions hitting you at once...and you hang on because he is all you have. Thatís a tough place to be. Just have a heart felt talk with him, say goodbye and release yourself from this. The adjustment might be hard but if you keep pushing forward by working out, eat healthy, accomplish small goals, reach out to friends and family to get a new perspective on life. You can do this! Find something to inspire yourself, find your self worth.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Location
    Surrey BC, Canada
    Posts
    2,330
    Gender
    Female
    Delete post

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    14,537
    You are "alone", whether you want to admit it or not. You are the affair of a married man and I would imagine that's not what you want for yourself.

    So...why do you choose to continue to be his affair? Don't you want more for yourself?

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2016
    Posts
    5,199
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by columbia2020
    I don't know what he wants, why he bothers, and, more importantly, why I don't seem able to let go.

    I know that I deserve more, and better. That I deserve to be the priority in someone's life and not an afterthought. Yet I am hanging on, and I don't understand myself.
    I think it's probably difficult for you to rationalize your own complicity in this. You knew better, yet played the fool the whole time.

    A lot of women become trapped in this same tar pit. Look up "sunk cost." It's an economics term, but it applies here as well.

    Actually, google "sunk cost relationship."

  8. #7
    Gold Member ShySoul's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Location
    Where love guides our hearts and actions
    Age
    37
    Posts
    5,324
    Gender
    Male
    Try not to put the blame all on you. He openly admits to being a cheater and seems like he knows how to manipulate people's emotions to get what he wants. From your examples, he's also going after people who he can have a larger sway over - an alcoholic who is new to the country, an intellectually disabled person. He finds you weakness and vulnerability and uses it. You were already feeling alone, not having any connections in the area. He saw it and used it, drawing you in by giving just enough to make you feel like you weren't alone. He enjoys the "game" and seeing what he can get from people. As long as you allow it, he'll keep taking advantage of it.

    You are also not the first person to continue pursuing something when you know you shouldn't. People allow the moments of happiness, though brief, to overshadow the periods of doubt and frustration. They are willing to overlook things in the hope that things can change, that one day he will look at you and decide to change his ways. Unfortunately, that's not how it usually turns out. You end up hurting more. Letting go is not an easy process. It's an up and down struggle that can change on a daily basis. Even if your brain is telling you all the right things and you logically know you shouldn't be with him, the heart can say otherwise. Your emotions can get the better of you, letting fear and uncertainty of the future overwhelm you. It's painful and different for everyone who goes through it.

    You already see him for who he is. You know that he is going to keep being the same person, is not willing to change. Keep reminding yourself of that. Tell him you're done and that you can't be second place to anyone. You can't be with someone who would cheat like that and brag about it. Then cut it off completely. In this case, avoid any contact at all. If you leave the door open even a bit, he'll get inside and find a way to manipulate you again. As long as you are around him at all, you will be lonely because he's not capable of fulfilling the need you have. So get away from him and focus on you. There are other ways to avoid being alone. Spend time with co-workers. Find a club or activity you like. Take a class. Do what you enjoy. You will be much happier then if you continue holding out hope for someone who clearly isn't worthy of your love.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2014
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    2,297
    Gender
    Female
    He sounds like a horrible, disgusting person! He is not a good human being at all! He's a cheater and a liar! And he took advantage of an intellectually disabled woman! Awful!! He took advantage of everyone else too because he lied and cheated on all the women he was with. Oc course he's married to his wife for real, and/or he also has other women. Otherwise why would your relationship be reduced to only a brief meeting once a week? He's seeing someone else and has no time for you. Who he is seeing is irrelevant. The point is he's a garbage human being and you deserve MUCH better than that! Being alone is better than being with this scumbag!

    Besides, you don't really have to be alone. You could use dating sites to meet guys. You could join social groups like Meetup.com, do classes, hobby groups, walking groups, anything. In the very least you could make more friends.

  10. #9
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Posts
    14,955
    Originally Posted by columbia2020
    why I don't seem able to let go.

    Yet I am hanging on,
    and I don't understand myself.
    Because you know the brutal truth - you really don't want to end it. You're getting something out of it. Excitement. Ego boost. Could be anything. If you really wanted to leave this mess, you would. Look within.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Location
    Ontario Canada
    Posts
    6,803
    Gender
    Female
    You felt he was better than nothing, better than being home alone on a Saturday night. Well, you are definitely better off by yourself than being in a sick relationship with a married man. He played you, so it's time to pull up your big girl panties and move on from him.

    Block and delete him from your phone and any social media. Do not contact him. Quit blaming yourself, you need to work on your self esteem and to feel better about you so that you can move on to a truly single man.

Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast

Videos


Maintaining A Strong Relationship

Detaching From a Malignant Man

Divorced Parents Prefer Technology and Social Media As Communication Tool

Wedding Jitters Could Be a Predictor for a Future Divorce

Botox Fights Depression And Makes You Feel Happier

Men Are More Sensitive than Women when Having Relationship Problems
Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •