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Thread: In between my partner and my family

  1. #1

    In between my partner and my family

    Hello, im new to this forum and in need of advice. I have been with my partner for 6 years and just last year we decided to move in together. From the start we always had problems but nothing we couldnít overcome. My partner since the first day became very good friends with my family members and everything was great. My sister and my mom started to notice how much we would argue about small things and they started to wonder if we were ok. Specially since my mom realized how my partner would go out without me every time and she thinks im not being taken serious. After that my partner became very angry at my family calling them nosey and even claiming that they didnít want to see us together. I even stopped talking to my family for a couple months thinking it would make things better in our relationship. It only made things worse. Now we cannot go a day without a huge argument and every time i have to sit and listen to my partner bash my family and say really bad things about them. This hurts me so much since I have always been close to my family and love them so much. As of right now we both sleep in different rooms, we havenít had any intimacy for the last 5-6 months. Not even a kiss. I feel like i live with a roommate that hates me. God knows I have tried to fix this but I cannot stand the insults towards the people I love anymore. I feel like i have to choose one side only to be happy. Im stuck and all i can do is cry.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Did most of the issue start happening after moving in? Do not sever yourself from your family, and never let someone isolate you.

    Do not lead an argument with "my family thinks you're..."

    How old is he? Stop "sitting and listening" to him bash your family, just go leave the room. That is condoning it while he brainwashes you against them. Make plans to move out asap. Enlist the help of your family. Do Not Tell him. Slowly but surely have your mail forwarded there. Have the addresses o All your accounts changed to your family. Change All your passwords asap. Sever all finances, except a few groceries, etc. Do not tell him your departure plan. Discuss that with your family.

    In retrospect, where signs of of controlling/abusive behaviors there before? Does he drink heavily or use drugs? 6 mos after moving in together the relationship is dead in the water. There is no future.

    You Can Not fix or change him. He does hate you. Controlling abusive do hate their targets. Move Out. Do Not Tell him. Stop talking about anything but mundane, same ol', same ol' nonsense while you plan your escape. He will pretend to be on best behavior for a while, but that is an act.
    Originally Posted by Dinogogurt
    After that my partner became very angry at my family calling them nosey and even claiming that they didnít want to see us together. I even stopped talking to my family for a couple months thinking it would make things better in our relationship. It only made things worse.

    Now we cannot go a day without a huge argument and every time i have to sit and listen to my partner bash my family and say really bad things about them. This hurts me so much since I have always been close to my family and love them so much.

    As of right now we both sleep in different rooms, we havenít had any intimacy for the last 5-6 months. Not even a kiss. I feel like i live with a roommate that hates me.

  3. #3
    Thank you for your advice, he is 35. He doesnít have any addictions that i know of. He has not been physically abusive other than pushing me around one time. Now I understand he has been very controlling to the point were i have stopped talking to the few friends i had. I have dealt with him accusing me of sleeping with everyone and specifically an older man from my old job. All without any proof or reason. You are spot on when you say he will change his behavior for a bit because thatís exactly what he did last time i told him i was leaving. He began to act differently and accused me of giving up on our relationship. He accused me of breaking his heart and that the house would be empty without me. This is so painful since i had so many plans for our future im at a point were i dont even have strength to fight him back

  4. #4
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Listen to Wiseman2. Plan your departure quietly and then get the hell out while you can. He's a controlling jerk.

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  6. #5
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Get out while you can. Pushing you around IS abuse. Constantly criticizing your family for next to nothing is also abuse. Call your family and WITH them pack your stuff and leave.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I think you and your partner should try to patch things up. I don't believe in discarding a relationship just because there is discord with him and your family. First, work on your family and ask them respectfully not to meddle into your affairs even though they love and care for you. Say it gently so they won't get offended. Tell them you love them and that you don't want estrangement. Ease back into their lives by taking baby steps. Remind your family that your partner once had a great relationship with them and that it would be wonderful to rekindle those good memories and recapture those times. Meanwhile, have a calm discussion with your partner and tell him that you want peace with him and your family. Tell your partner that should he have disagreements with you, he needs to save his arguments for private moments when you two are alone at home; not in front of your family or for all the world to witness. Your family is not privy to you and your partner's arguments. Keep your disagreements private. Tell your partner not to get so hellbent emotional and to take a step back and handle this situation maturely. Tell your partner that while you value his opinions, name calling your family is uncalled for. He doesn't have to like your family, however, he needs to behave respectfully to all. If all else fails, work out a compromise with your partner and your family. Respect each other, enforce healthy boundaries with each other and maintain peace even if they're not close nor see each other often.

    If the above fails, then it's time to exit the relationship, block, delete and go your separate ways permanently. Exhaust all avenues first before giving up.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    No one should stay in an abusive controlling relationship with someone who tries to isolate the victim.
    🤯
    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    I think you and your partner should try to patch things up.
    Originally Posted by Dinogogurt
    He has not been physically abusive other than pushing me around one time.
    he has been very controlling to the point were i have stopped talking to the few friends i had.
    I have dealt with him accusing me of sleeping with everyone

  9. #8
    Thank you all for your comments they are very much appreciated. We were just in an argument minutes ago he got angry because i decided to help out my mother with something. I cant help but feel completely stupid i know i have to make a decision and make it fast.

  10. #9
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Dinogogurt
    Thank you all for your comments they are very much appreciated. We were just in an argument minutes ago he got angry because i decided to help out my mother with something. I cant help but feel completely stupid i know i have to make a decision and make it fast.
    Anyone who isolates somebody from friends and family IS abusive. 100%. Get your male relatives together and take your stuff and leave.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    How does he know what your family said?

    Your family has observed something troubling, and they confided in you, likely in the hope that you will get out of this and go home to safety--not so you could use it on him, which only caused a rift between all of you.

    When someone accuses you of cheating unprovoked, he is likely doing just that.

    Respect yourself, and get out safely with the help of your family.

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