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Thread: Something I wrote about my girlfriend. Feedback appreciated. Thanks.

  1. #1
    Platinum Member Cynder's Avatar
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    Something I wrote about my girlfriend. Feedback appreciated. Thanks.

    I literally just wrote this in about ten minutes. It was inspired by a conversation I had with my girlfriend last night at around 4AM. Any feedback is good feedback. Thanks. Also I think my spell check was either off or just not working when I was typing it. I think I got any mistakes but if there still are some that's why.

    Into this world you came and brought the cold.
    All these lives together, we were young and we were old.
    I was waiting up above when down came the snow,
    I was waiting without you when the Universe let me go.
    Old souls thrown back into youth,
    Heaven lies, Hell is truth.
    Shocked and broken from the tauma of my birth,
    A lost grieivng spirit wandering alone on this Earth.
    Blind eyes must learn to see.
    The solitary one must learn to be.
    Longing for victory, but knowng defeat,
    Unable to explain feeling incomplete.
    Your eyes, like beacons drew me to your side.
    Your words, like music, left me hypnotized.
    All those times our paths nearly crossed,
    All those times we both were lost.
    For years, so close but so far,
    And then time stood still, and now here we are.
    Thrown into this existance from the skies above,
    Take my hand, no more fear, we know only love.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Really well written and very expressive. Great poem.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Cynder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    Really well written and very expressive. Great poem.
    Thank you.

    We are close to the same age. There was a massive blizzard in February the year I was born. She was born just before the blizzard hit. And my parents have always told me I was conceived during that blizzard. They said everything was shut down and there was nothing to do but lay around the house. So last night her and I were talking about that. And she was joking around about how she was born and brought the blizzard with her so that my parents would be snowed in and conceive me so we could be together. That's what inspired this. That's where the references to cold and snow come into play. I know you didn't ask for any explanation. I just felt like providing one.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Really interesting and yes, now it makes more sense.

    Did you share the poem with her? It's beautiful.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Cynder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    Really interesting and yes, now it makes more sense.

    Did you share the poem with her? It's beautiful.
    Not yet, but I will. I am just waiting for the right time. I thought about sending it to her on messenger while she's at work tonight. But I think it would be better to actually give her a printed copy of it. I currently don't have a working printer though. Next time I have prints made at the shop that does all my art prints I will have them print it out for me.

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    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Well done. The hypnotized line is my favorite. Since I write novels as a hobby, the only point I'll be nit-picky about is "time stood still." It's cliche, so my advice would be to change it so it's not.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    What's wrong with cliche? Sometimes it just fits. I think the line works perfectly. I wouldn't change it.

    I think most of us are writers on this forum. I've spoken to a few who are either attempting novels are have been published, but obviously all are writers to some degree.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Cynder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    What's wrong with cliche? Sometimes it just fits. I think the line works perfectly. I wouldn't change it.

    I think most of us are writers on this forum. I've spoken to a few who are either attempting novels are have been published, but obviously all are writers to some degree.

    I've actually written a lot of stuff. I have two long series I've been developing for years. One is about mental illness and the other is a crime drama that takes place 300 years in the future. I had a short story published when I was a teenager. It was something I really wanted to pursue when I was younger but my family was just so negative about it. It's one thing to have insanely high expectations for your kids and push them to be perfect. But IMO it's just as bad to do the opposite like my family did. My parents had really low expectations for my brother and I. They just drilled it into both of us that we would grow up to be trash, low lives, screw-ups, etc. And we've actually both grown up to do pretty well for ourselves, oddly enough.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Cynder's Avatar
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    Yea... I try to avoid them but this was one time where I felt like it fit really well. The world around you almost stops for a short time when you fall really hard for someone.

  11. #10
    Silver Member ShySoul's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Cynder
    The solitary one must learn to be.
    Longing for victory, but knowng defeat,
    Unable to explain feeling incomplete.
    That part really got me. Feeling like the outsider trying to get by in a world he doesn't fully fit into. Wanting to find happiness and love ("victory") but only knowing sorrow and heartache. Knowing something is missing, but not having the words to express it or make it better. It makes you feel so helpless. But then the right one comes along and you're not afraid anymore, willing to risk it all for love. Beautiful job.

    If you're writing gets published, let me know because I'll be buying a copy. I like sci-fi and mysteries, so the crime story is up my alley. And the mental illness one sounds interesting as well.

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