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Thread: Hi-First Post about my horrible behavior

  1. #1

    Hi-First Post about my horrible behavior

    Hello,
    I have recently become aware that I am a really mean person. I yell at everyone when I get stressed out. I don't know how to ease-up.

    A little background. I spent some time with my mother this summer because of her being retired and alone thinking I was doing her a favor by spending time with her. What happened was the complete opposite.

    We ended up almost fighting everyday. She constantly is ocd about every little detail. Like why are the spoons in the wrong dish holder or she freaks out about excess water on the counter. or if I took a bath she would freak out if I wasted too much water even though the water bill is like pennies.

    Then after everynight that we had dinner and watched tv I slowly started having epiphanies:

    She is deaf in one ear so I realized, I wasn't even sensitive to the fact that she might want subtitles when we watched tv or that which side I should be sitting on when I talk to her, and then slowly I realized that she is so insecure and ashamed about her deafness and refused to wear a hearing aid, but its only on one side and I still cannot ever remember which side.

    Then I began to realize maybe I have always had a hard time communicating with everyone because I never could communicate with her without feeling like she was anxious or putting on a show I don't know, sometimes she hears everything just fine, but when your own mother displays weakness and anxiety, fear, saddness and is in total an utter shame about her hearing loss I just cannot take that sometimes.

    I found myself in general becoming angry all the time very fast when I am unable to get people to do what I ask. Im not blaming it on her but I just feel like it has a lot to do with just not being able to communicate effectively growing up and her in constant flux .

    She cried to me and admitted that she felt bullied by her mother and my father and now by me because I was in rage that she couldn't understand what I was saying....



    anyways....I just have a broken heart. Today I was shopping and someone was collecting money for kids that were bullied and committed suicide. and I realized I have been a bully and my poor mother, she is just a mystery.


    I have been so mean, and as she said her mom and my dad, my grandmother has passed and my dad has re-married and I live in my own condo and I know she is happy by herself in a big house where she doesn't have to feel insecure about not hearing, she can turn up music or tv however loud she wants or sit in silence, but that has caused a lot of broken hearts and saddness in my life that my parents were not able to stay together and she says she is happy alone, but I want her to have a companion .


    she refuses to get cats?! not sure why or dogs and now that all of this realization has become clear in my mind, It is very difficult to be around her cause my heart just aches and hurts.

    I have changed to an angry craze tornado and I really have a hard time myself just chilling out.

    I guess I dont see anyway out of this seeing that all I have known are negative and bad communication practices and I went to therapy for 12 years but I really don't care to talk to a therapist anymore, just want my own life to figure out my own stuff.


    Thanks fo reading.

  2. #2
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    If she is happy how she is why do you need her to be happy the way you want her to be happy? That isnít a communication issue but a control issue.

  3. #3
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by raeinatx
    I have recently become aware that I am a really mean person. I yell at everyone when I get stressed out. I don't know how to ease-up.

    I have changed to an angry craze tornado and I really have a hard time myself just chilling out.

    I guess I dont see anyway out of this seeing that all I have known are negative and bad communication practices and I went to therapy for 12 years but I really don't care to talk to a therapist anymore, just want my own life to figure out my own stuff..
    I would strongly suggest professional counselling, specialising in Anger Management. Clearly 12 years of therapy hasn't worked so trying someone new until you find the right person is the way to go (imo). You will never be able to control this behaviour without professional help.

    If your mother is happy where she is, doing what she does, then leave her be.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Elder abuse is a crime in most jurisdictions. If she tells her doctors or people about your mistreatment, you could face charges.

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by Capricorn3
    I would strongly suggest professional counselling, specialising in Anger Management. Clearly 12 years of therapy hasn't worked so trying someone new until you find the right person is the way to go (imo). You will never be able to control this behaviour without professional help.

    If your mother is happy where she is, doing what she does, then leave her be.
    I agree.

    Your acknowledgement is a good start to making changes. Have you also considered CBD for anxiety.

    My mother moved in with me for 3 months during Covid. We made each other nuts. She is back home now.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Stay away from your mother and get your mental health in order.

    Elderly, like children and other vulnerable groups are especially protected by law from people (sadly often adult children) who take advantage of and abuse them mentally, financially, physically, etc.

    [Register to see the link]

  8. #7
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    You've done a good and brave job of recognizing your mistreatment of your mom.

    One place to start mending would be a simple apology.

    Simple is the key word. Don't launch into explanations, as those only come off as excuses, which undo the whole point of an apology.

    After telling mom that you're sorry you've been mistreating her and will spend the rest of your future together making that up to her, be quiet. Let mom process what you've said, and allow her to feel heard and understood regarding anything that follows. Especially if you don't 'like' it.

    Mom may not respond as you'd wish, but remind yourself that this isn't about fantasy fulfillment, it's about rising to your role of responsible adult while ditching the bratty kid role--for good.

    The kindest and best thing I've EVER done for myself was to recognize how much and how often I've taken my mother for granted, followed by a decision to never--ever--do that again, no matter what.

    Magically, our relationship became so much easier once I made the choice to make our time together about HER-not-me.

    This shift in vision changed my attitudes and behaviors toward her because I continue to observe myself through an objective lens that always questions, "Is this me behaving as a caring adult, or is the infant in me coming out sideways with demands that she owes me something?"

    While therapy is up to you, you may want to research your community or the Internet to learn whether you can find a support group or club where the members help one another cope with aging parents. You may find yourself supported with new friendships and new ideas rather than stewing in guilt and toxicity.

    Every mistake we make is an opportunity to do better once we learn HOW. So adopt your best resilience and pride as you demonstrate an ability to turn your behaviors around.

    Head high, and great job!

  9. #8
    Silver Member ShySoul's Avatar
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    Ok, I had a bunch of thoughts for you, then I see that catfeeder already said most of them. So I'll just second everything she wrote.

    The hardest part is admitting you have a problem, so good for you that you can do that. Therapy isn't for everyone, so it's alright if you want to try to handle it on your own. But you'll need to keep in mind that this is something you'll likely struggle with and need to look at your actions as they happen. If you find yourself getting angry, step back and see if it's really justified or what's really causing it. When you find yourself getting that way, remove yourself from the situation. A support group can help, or even just one person you feel you can trust to help you work things out. It's about having someone who understands what you are going through.

    Remember, you want your mom to be happy. If she is okay with how her life is, even if it's by herself, then that should be good enough for you. It may not be what you would prefer, but it's her life. That's something I've had to see with my mother as well.

    You said you find yourself getting angry when people don't do what you want. Believe me, that's a power I've wished I had so many times. You see something so clearly, but no one seems to listen. But getting angry will just cause them to listen even less. It leads to fights, hurt feelings, being lonely. Again, step back and walk away if you need to. Once things are calm, try to see it from the other person's perspective. Anger will just entrench people in their viewpoints and nothing gets solved. But if you show empathy, trying to understand the other side, you'll be more likely to get them to respond and see it from your side. Then you can compromise. They may even decide they agree with you. Remember the saying, you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.

  10. #9
    and it is hard to realize that this woman gave birth to me, she is not my friend, she is a a holy wonderful creature and I just should not maybe even be around her as much as I have been, maybe she wants me to grow up and spread my wings?! leave the nest... waddle along?

    wow - this is a great place for advice!

    Thank you shyshoul, catfeeder, HollyJ, Wiseman, Capricorn3, and Seraphim. I appreciate you taking the time to read what I wrote and give my your advice.


    I listened to catfeeder's advice and upfront offered an apology to my mother for being mean and how badly I treated her. She kindly accepted.


    As far as moving forward I really have just decided to give up and not push anymore. You are all right . no matter if I am wrong or right, I think ultimately the right answer will find its way to the surface on its own and honestly people talking seems kind of outdated.

    I mean... karma is 100% and the truth will set you free and that is all I know. LOVE EVERYONE HERE <3


    I also realized that maybe I need to find another way to communicate if I don't know how to do it in a traditional way.

  11. #10
    My Mom bullies me, too. I cut contact, because of it. I also realized that I am changing and becoming a mean person when I used to be the happiest girl on earth. Don't let anyone cause you that kind of stress. Isolate and do the things you like to do alone, because it will help you find yourself and will restore your personality. Become your own best friend for a while and stop trying to get her attention when all it seems to me is she is bitter and judgmental of your temper. Allow yourself quality time with yourself and rediscover true happiness. People can manufacture there own happiness, it just takes focus and it's a good idea to isolate when you have lost yourself. Don't let yourself change, because people stress you out and you need things done certain ways. I am battling becoming a massive A-hole myself, but in isolation I can finally write again.


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