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Thread: Am I wrong to feel offended?

  1. #1

    Am I wrong to feel offended?

    Iíve been with my boyfriend for about 8 years and heís always been a weekend dad which has made it hard for me to bond but we always have had fun and gotten along wonderful. Within the past few years his kids have been getting older and not wanting to hang out as much, and because of that their mom wants them to try to bond with him more and suggested he come over without me. (We live over an hour away with plans to move close to them soon). Now I understand Iím just a girlfriend and we arenít married by choice, but I still have been around all these years we live together and everything, always gotten along with the kids And mom with no issues. Iím not some random New girlfriend. Is it wrong of me to want to feel included? Iíve never come in between them and never would so I donít want to bring up my feelings and have someone get offended. Signed, a slightly frustrated girl.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    What is your bf's take on this?
    Originally Posted by Britney02184
    because of that their mom wants them to try to bond with him more and suggested he come over without me.

  3. #3
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    Honestly, If I were in that situation (kid), I would want some time with my dad. Is there some reason that you have to be there every time? Why don't you make plans with your friends and take a day off from one another. That's healthy. Do you have a social life outside of him?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Having been a single mom, a step mom, and now a gf to a dad with a young daughter, my take is that it's important to acknowledge the bond the kids have with their bio parents and also to acknowledge that even if you were married and a step mom, it's still best to take a step back in these situations and not take things personally. My bf's daughter is super awkward around me even after a couple of years... I just engage with her when she wants to and I give her and her dad lots of space together when she is visiting, and that seems to take the pressure off of both of them.

    My relationship with my step daughter is really good because I never tried to parent her... nor did I ever get involved in parenting topics with her parents... we learnt over time that it was a disaster waiting to happen... I am more like a fun aunt than a parent... and that works really well for all of us.

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  6. #5
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    I think the mom is right and I hope your boyfriend feels the same. What's this term "weekend dad?" He's a father. To his children. The end. If he chooses only to see him on weekends and not to make efforts to face time or see him otherwise that's his choice but he is still the kids' father. Not just on weekend. You are the father's girlfriend. You are not married to the dad or their mother or stepmother or adoptive mother. As the very wise (RIP) Dr. Joy Browne said -even a stepmom should be a good host and a good friend - not the person who fills in for the mom, or disciplines, etc. Certainly the child should behave respectfully to you just like anyone in your boyfriend's family should.

    Let the kids be with their parents. It's really important. You being there changes the dynamic and apparently not in a positive way according to the mom. And the mom and the dad get to make this decision (what's your boyfriend's take on this?).

    Also this is just part of a weekend -I agree you should just do your own thing. It's fine you don't want to get married and it's also fine that the mother has ideas about her status as the mom and how that compares to your relationship with the father of her children.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    It's absolutely normal for children to start detaching from their parents and focus more on their friends, school, hobbies, etc as they grow old and older. That is the norm. Children are supposed to grow up and detach from their parents in order to lead their own adult lives eventually. I don't mean discard their family, I mean detach in a healthy way.

    However, it's equally normal for parents, especially mothers (not necessarily though), to have a really hard time letting them have that freedom and handling that detachment process.

    It sounds to me like the mother isn't handling it very well and like she is quite desperate to hang on by any means possible. That is HER problem though.

    The wise choice for you is to stay out of it. This isn't about you, your relationship, etc. This is about the children growing up and the mother will need to adjust whether she likes it or not. The last and the worst thing you can do here is to add to the drama. Let your bf and the ex and the kids work it out amongst themselves. Again, this is just a normal part of growing pains...more so for the parents than the kids. Basically, don't make this about you, because it's not and it's the sort of drama you actually do want to steer clear of. A better way to look at is that you are the fun aunt who only appears for the fun stuff rather than the gf who must be included in ALL the drama. Drama leads to hate - don't forget that.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    I think your feelings highlight the conflict that can happen when a person without kids dates someone with kids. I think it comes down to a fundamental truth to the children, mom and dad are permanent to them. Any step parents or significant others to their parents are not on that same level.

    Yes, there can be a happy and healthy coexistence but sometimes they (you) are the outsider. And you should encourage that family unit, because that's what children need. They need to have time with mom and dad to see happy co-parenting and to feel that just because mom and dad aren't married anymore, we're still a family. That doesn't mean you don't exist or you shouldn't come around. But understand what you are a part of and your role. Its ok for your boyfriend to have a friendship with his ex wife and mother of his children, separate from you.

    If you can't do that, then find a guy without kids. And I agree there is no such thing as a weekend dad. The children were always a priority, I suspect it just never became a problem for whatever reason.

    As the children start having their own lives, with possibly families of their own, this should pass. So its on you to decide, is this a deal breaker?

  9. #8
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    I agree with Lambert except that even when these kids move out if this mindset persists -and it's an understandable one - then there will be other family only events where you are not invited. Figure out if you are ok with that.

  10. #9
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    So, yes, definitely he should spend time with his kids by himself. My parents are married to this day and there are things we did with just mom or just dad. He should see his kids without you as well as see them individually (do things one on one with each child).

    She is not shutting you out --she is addressing the needs of the kids. They need their dad. If you are not invited to the big things like birthdays where extended people are invited for a party, that's different, but a parent should be able to speak with their child one on one without their significant other whether you were married or not (or even if you were the child's mother)

  11. #10
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Just my two cents, he needs time with his kids, where it's just him and his kids.

    You two aren't married and until that happens, you're not considered the step mom and it wouldn't be fair to make demands.

    I understand your feelings, they are valid, you want to be seen, and accepted and be made to feel important too. But this is a very touchy situation.

    I think he should spend time with his kids and you should just let it happen without demanding to be a part of it.

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