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Thread: Am I wrong to feel offended?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    She is not shutting you out --she is addressing the needs of the kids. They need their dad.
    Absolutely.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    How old are the kids?
    I think it's not that the idea is bad, but it's how it was delivered. If your SO had expressed that he wants to spend more one on one time with the kids, would that have bothered you?

  3. #13
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    I'd keep my mouth shut and let them all work things out however they land.

    I wouldn't expect a BF's ex to invite me into her kids' family time. When they get old enough to do that themselves, then it's an honor. Otherwise, I'm imposing, and I wouldn't do it.

    Everything is temporary. Move your focus onto productive things while the chips fall however they will in this experiment. It's to be learned whether the kids will view this forced bonding time in a positive way or a resentful way. See how that goes without trying to influence anything. You will thank yourself later.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Know your place and remain respectful. Keep the peace. Yes, it's wrong to feel offended because you're perceiving their mom excluding you as rejection which is not the case. I'm a mother. If it were me, I would want the father to bond with his kids without the girlfriend or wife in the picture. It's an uncomfortable situation for you for which I'm sorry, however, your feelings are universal.

    In the future, if there's ever a time when your boyfriend has the kids closer to your geography, then this is the time when you can all be together. (However, if the mother has explicit instructions to exclude you, you have to abide by her rules in order to prevent discord and keep the peace.) During other scenarios where he drives over an hour to see his kids, it's best for you to remain at home and not bother. Stay in your lane, don't meddle and know that your boyfriend, his ex and their kids have their own life without you. Don't try to belong nor include yourself when you're not wanted as part of their group. Be better than that.

    This is the situation whenever you are in a relationship with a man who has kids. He will always have a relationship with his kids and the mother of his children. This is the situation for your boyfriend's life. You will always have to share him and step aside. You will always have to acquiesce and yield. Your boyfriend comes with baggage and this is the price to pay for having a relationship with him and in other cases, it's the same for marriage. His ex and kids will never go away so he is a "package deal."

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  6. #15
    Silver Member ShySoul's Avatar
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    No, it is not wrong of you to want to feel included. If you have together for 8 years, you are more then a girlfriend. You have spent enough time with the children to basically be family. So it's natural you would want to be in their life and would be upset when you are told to stay away.

    Having said that, the focus here should be on the children. This isn't about your feelings or the mom's feelings. This is about the children. If they are at the point where they are pushing away from their parents, then it's probably a natural thing for them to do. You being there or not won't change the situation. If they are going through that, why not put it in their hands? Yes, it's good to spend time just with dad. But that shouldn't mean you get shut out. Maybe everyone needs to ask what the children would prefer? If they need alone time with dad, that should be respected. It's nothing personal. If they don'[t mind you there and have fun with you, then you should join in. And if they just want time to themselves and to hang out with their friends, that's fine as well. Ideally I would think you'd want to split the time so all the options are covered.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by ShySoul
    No, it is not wrong of you to want to feel included. If you have together for 8 years, you are more then a girlfriend. You have spent enough time with the children to basically be family. So it's natural you would want to be in their life and would be upset when you are told to stay away.

    Having said that, the focus here should be on the children. This isn't about your feelings or the mom's feelings. This is about the children. If they are at the point where they are pushing away from their parents, then it's probably a natural thing for them to do. You being there or not won't change the situation. If they are going through that, why not put it in their hands? Yes, it's good to spend time just with dad. But that shouldn't mean you get shut out. Maybe everyone needs to ask what the children would prefer? If they need alone time with dad, that should be respected. It's nothing personal. If they don'[t mind you there and have fun with you, then you should join in. And if they just want time to themselves and to hang out with their friends, that's fine as well. Ideally I would think you'd want to split the time so all the options are covered.
    I respectfully disagree. She's not family to these kids She is not their stepmom and the children get to spend time with their parents. She is not a parent. We have people in our lives who have spent a lot of time with our son but they are not the parents. I wouldn't subject the children to the choice of whether she should be included. Unfair to the kids -if they ask to see her, that's different. Yes, she does get excluded if the parents want alone time with the kids. She's not shut out because she was never "shut in" as a parental role.

    I really wouldn't put her on any footing with the parents. When it comes to parenting the kids she is an outsider. If it is a family event where the kids happen to be there and there are other family members and family friends then yes she should be included.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to say, but she is just a live-in gf. She unfortunately got stuck with getting involved with his kids. They are Not family. The bf and his sons are family, the kid's mother and the sons are family.

    She is the live-in gf. That is zero status legally. "Should" is not reality. "Shoulds" assign blame and create entitlement and false hope. The Father and the Mother and the sons can all decide what is preferred as a family. A powwow with the live-in gf is insulting to the kid's mother.

    Now, the bf could still spend time with her and his sons together but why should she drag along like a 5th wheel to the kid's mother's house?
    Originally Posted by ShySoul
    If you have together for 8 years, you are more then a girlfriend. You have spent enough time with the children to basically be family.

    But that shouldn't mean you get shut out.

  9. #18
    Silver Member ShySoul's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry to say, but she is just a live-in gf. She unfortunately got stuck with getting involved with his kids. They are Not family. The bf and his sons are family, the kid's mother and the sons are family.

    She is the live-in gf. That is zero status legally. "Should" is not reality. "Shoulds" assign blame and create entitlement and false hope. The Father and the Mother and the sons can all decide what is preferred as a family. A powwow with the live-in gf is insulting to the kid's mother.

    Now, the bf could still spend time with her and his sons together but why should she drag along like a 5th wheel to the kid's mother's house?
    Then she's been a live-in girlfriend for 8 years. At a certain point, it's more then just a girlfriend. No one is suggesting she is trying to be the mom or take her place. All she wants is to be able to spend time with the children that she has gotten to know and grow close to over an 8 year period. She said she has spent time with them before and they get along fine. Now the mom is suggesting that she not be around them. If someone suggested to be that I should not spend time with someone I've gotten to know over 8 years, i would feel hurt and upset as well. I was trying to say that her feelings are understandable and she is not wrong to feel them.

    My brother become involved with and eventually married a woman who already had two children. They lived together and even had a child together before they married. Even though they were not married and he was technically not their dad, he considered himself to be because he was looking after them. And even if they didn't call him dad, they looked up to him as one. Being a parent is more then a matter of legal status. It has to do with the relationship between all involved.

    "Should" is not assigning blame or creating entitlement. It is recognizing that after nearly a decade of being an active part of their lives, she does have the right to feel left out. Everyone is "entitled" to having their own feelings about a situation. It's not really fair to tell someone that they suddenly can't do something that they have always done and which has never caused a problem. And it's not fair to act like they can't be upset over it.

    And the point of my post was actually to say they should all be working together for the sake of the children - mom, dad, and girlfriend. Instead of telling her she shouldn't come to the house, work together to have a plan that works for everyone, especially the children.

  10. #19
    Silver Member ShySoul's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I respectfully disagree. She's not family to these kids She is not their stepmom and the children get to spend time with their parents. She is not a parent. We have people in our lives who have spent a lot of time with our son but they are not the parents. I wouldn't subject the children to the choice of whether she should be included. Unfair to the kids -if they ask to see her, that's different. Yes, she does get excluded if the parents want alone time with the kids. She's not shut out because she was never "shut in" as a parental role.

    I really wouldn't put her on any footing with the parents. When it comes to parenting the kids she is an outsider. If it is a family event where the kids happen to be there and there are other family members and family friends then yes she should be included.
    See my above post. I wasn't trying to say that she is on equal footing as the mom. But 8 years seems like a pretty long and stable relationship, one in which she has had time to get to know and grow close to the children. Depending on her relationship with them, she could at least be extended family. My brother never tried to get in the way of their relationship with the children's father and never considered himself a replacement. But he felt just as close and protective as if they were his children. I was trying to show sympathy to the poster and explain that her feelings are not out of line.

    I want what's best for the children, as should any parent, biological or otherwise. I think they are probably just growing up and want time to themselves. I think they should be able to have alone time with dad and probably won't mind other times also with his girlfriend, someone they've gotten along with for years. I just think instead of making decisions for them, treat them like grownups (which I get the feeling they are fast nearing that age where they at least want to be seen as grownups) and let them do what they want to do. If they don't seem to have a problem with the girlfriend, why exclude her?

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by ShySoul
    See my above post. I wasn't trying to say that she is on equal footing as the mom. But 8 years seems like a pretty long and stable relationship, one in which she has had time to get to know and grow close to the children. Depending on her relationship with them, she could at least be extended family. My brother never tried to get in the way of their relationship with the children's father and never considered himself a replacement. But he felt just as close and protective as if they were his children. I was trying to show sympathy to the poster and explain that her feelings are not out of line.

    I want what's best for the children, as should any parent, biological or otherwise. I think they are probably just growing up and want time to themselves. I think they should be able to have alone time with dad and probably won't mind other times also with his girlfriend, someone they've gotten along with for years. I just think instead of making decisions for them, treat them like grownups (which I get the feeling they are fast nearing that age where they at least want to be seen as grownups) and let them do what they want to do. If they don't seem to have a problem with the girlfriend, why exclude her?
    I read every word and feel exactly the same - and I wrote that if there are family events she should be included since she is in a serious relationship with a family member. This is different. It doesn't matter if she has grown close to the children in this particular situation which has to do with the family unit -parents and children. She is not part of the family unit. Yet. I mean then under your analysis they should always include close family friends who have known the children for 8 years or so, right? I don't think the analysis to include her in parent-kids time because "they don't have a problem with her so why exclude her" - she's not being excluded. She's not a parent to these children so everyone other than parents isn't included. I think it's really unfair to ask these children to choose especially if it would mean upsetting their mother in any way or any perception of it. Puts them in a really unfair position.

    This is a downside of choosing to be in a long term committed relationship where one person has kids and the couple decides not to marry and/or established stepparent role -in an official way. She's upset about this downside because it means she won't be with her boyfriend on a particular day and because it's in her face that she is not a parent. Oh well. Such is life. And she doesn't come first in this situation -the kids do.

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