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Thread: Co worker is putting me in awkward position

  1. #1
    Member MrsWise's Avatar
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    Co worker is putting me in awkward position

    One of my co worker was married to another woman for few years when i stated working with him..Then his wife left him and is not pregnant with another man. They are divorced now. As soon as his wife left him, he started pursing me but i was not interested. So I told him that I'm not available. I was not in relationship with anyone but I was casually dating. I thought that would be the end of that. periodically he started joking saying he will wait for until I am single. after a while he would ignore the fact that I told him that I'm not single and tried to message me outside work but would always ignore his messages because i did not want to lead him on. He even sent flirty message to which ignored. Then the following day he was like I won't bother you anymore, you're not interested . That was the end of that for while but he would continue to make light jokes here and there.


    Until one day when i tried buying food from him( he sells food on the side) and when it was time to call me for payment arrangements, he asked me why are not together if we are both single and said that is the reason why he called me. I told him that I thought this was strictly business and said I'm not single( which was a lie) and if i were single i don't like being involved with co workers which is true because i like to keep work and personal life separate. He said he understands and backed off for while but will make light jokes about us getting married.

    Recently he was on sick leave because he hurt his leg and as soon as he came he asked me why i never texted him to see if he was okay. I thought about checking up on him but decided against it because I didn't want to send the wrong signals. now he has been persistance again telling me he wants me in his life and he needs a women. I asked him if he's forgotten what i told him before to which he replied..that was before, this is now

    He also told me that he is trying to lose weight for me. Also, his birth day is coming soon and he has been asking me what I'm getting from him. He also said he wants us to have candle night dinner together at his house...to which I'm not going. I know I haven't told him point blank that I'm not interested in dating him because I don't want to hurt his feelings. And cause tension at work.I was just hoping he will give up and move on

    today i have to tell him point blank I am not intrested which will put me in awkward position..i hate confrantation

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this he sounds quite obnoxious and inappropriate. Try to shut this down much more than you have been. For example do not do business with him, stop communicating except for work and ONLY about work.

    Stop stringing him along. If you enjoy the attention and flirting, you need to find men OUTSIDE of work to flirt with.

    Originally Posted by MrsWise
    One of my co worker. He even sent flirty message to which ignored. I know I haven't told him point blank that I'm not interested in dating him because I don't want to hurt his feelings.

  3. #3
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    Originally Posted by MrsWise
    I know I haven't told him point blank that I'm not interested in dating him because I don't want to hurt his feelings.
    You're going to have to do so.

    He's not taking hints, however more direct they're becoming. Be firm. Tell him you are not interested in him and please stop contacting you for personal reasons. Full stop. I know you don't want to hurt him, but keep in mind he doesn't really care about bull-dozing over your previous indications to back off.

    If he keeps it up, go to H.R., if your workplace has such a department.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Yes, it's always uncomfortable to have these sorts of conversations, but keep in mind you wouldn't have to if he had taken your "not interested" as a cue to never bother you again.

    In the past, I had to deal with a few guys at work who I tried to be nice to when explaining how with one, I didn't want him touching my head or shoulders, which he would do if he came in to my office and I was sitting down. And another who brought me a gift of clothing and then ice-cream. Since being nice to let them know their attention wasn't wanted didn't work, I had to be firmer and basically meaner for them to finally get the message.

    In your case, I'd probably say: I've told you we're only co-workers and that's all it will ever be. I don't mix business with my personal life. From now on, I'd like our discussions to stick to work issues only. Do you understand?

    If he argues the point, tell him you were hoping it wouldn't go as far as you having to report him to H.R., but you will since you gave him a warning and it's making your work-life uncomfortable. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    You need to be more insistent that you are not interested in him. He seems thick as a brick. You cant dance around this and expect him to figure it out, or he would have backed off by now.

    No more buying food from him, avoid him as much as you can. You re going to have to stand up to him and be more forceful in saying NO. Block him from messaging you.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN! Tell him that his comments need to stop...and don't be shy about it. Then go to HR or your supervisor to report the harassment. Explain that you have told him to stop, and that you never encouraged this behavior. Let them know if he doesn't stop it, you will be coming back to report him again and want something done about it.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    The "I don't want to make things awkward" ship has sailed long ago. It is patently awkward.

    You will have to be very blunt and direct and tell him flat out that you are not interested in him. Do not cloak it in terms like you don't date coworkers because that implies to him that you are interested and he can then try to push through that boundary and force himself on you. It would also be a good time to tell him point blank that his behavior toward you is well out of line and if he continues, you will go to HR.

    When someone tries to bulldoze your boundaries, sometimes you really do have to pull out the hammer and actually hammer them hard. It's the only way these types of people get the message. When you try to be nice and polite, he perceives it as encouragement to carry on.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You know way too much about his personal life. You need to shut down all that chitchat. Keep in mind employers can and do read office communications. Be careful not to become the water cooler joke about the office wolf targeting you because you entertain him this much, interact outside the office and communicate personally.

    The workplace is not a dating site. So why are you talking to him about his marital problems and your dating life? The workplace is not a social services facility where you listen to his dating issues and "feel sorry for him".

    It sounds like you are flattered by the attention, but the other women in the office that he most likely also hits on were wise enough to shut him down asap.

    The workplace is for work. keep it that way and keep it professional. Stop discussing your love life with him. Instead get on some dating apps. Do not threaten him with HR, you have done nothing to discourage this, so it looks like you welcome and condone it, since you know just about everything regarding his marriage, dating etc.
    Originally Posted by MrsWise
    One of my co worker was married to another woman for few years when i stated working with him..Then his wife left him and is not pregnant with another man. They are divorced now. As soon as his wife left him, he started pursing me but i was not interested. So I told him that I'm not available.

    Until one day when i tried buying food from him( he sells food on the side) and when it was time to call me for payment arrangements, he asked me why are not together if we are both single and said that is the reason why he called me.

  10. #9
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    Be very direct!

    You should have distanced yourself as much as possible- not buying things from him and having personal chit chat. I would also tell him if he doesn't back off, you will have to go to HR.

    Boundaries!
    Last edited by Hollyj; 10-16-2020 at 11:40 AM.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Be polite but direct.

    Your next discussion will need to be with your supervisor if he does not stop.

    This isn't your fault but you did leave the door open when you told him you were unavailable. Next time be polite but honest and tell who ever that you are not interested. Buying food from him needs to stop as well.

    He will go away once you are firm and to the point.

    Lost

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