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Thread: What should I say?

  1. #1
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    What should I say?

    Hi everyone hope you are well.


    So for the past 8 years I lived abroad with my Aunty and Uncle. We worked for the same company and I worked under them. Part of my work contract was they had to pay for my accommodation. But as were family and they live in a huge villa I lived with them rent free - technically saving them money.

    So of course I'm very close with my aunty (my mums little sister) we all get along etc

    However she is an alcoholic and very lazy and due to drinking everyday her memory her judgement is all out the window. She also is a huge recluse as she'd rather sit in bed then talk to anyone. I kind of took over as the home maker. I would cook, host for her friends and let her take the credit. I literally did everything for her as she is very close to me. Her and her husband are very toxic for each other but its not my problem. While she was drinking upstairs everyday in bed and laying in bed all day I would be there emotionally for her husband (nothing more but it was annoying as he's in his own world and loves the sound of his own voice) so it was hard at times he would always call me, want to hang out in the kitchen because his wife ultimately was never there. I would occasionally have arguments with her like you niece shouldn't be with your husband taking on a wife role.

    They came into a lot of financial problems and I suggested they send the kids back to live with my mother as to be honest the quality of life the kids had with their parents was awful. The kids are thriving now living with my mother (this is only supposed to be temporary like a year until they get onto their feet)

    However she still drinks and he spends money on watches, designer suits, new cars - not sending any money back to my mother for the kids.

    So because we were living in a 7 bedroom house for no reason I had found a new property and helped with all the moving costs to be honest I did everything. I sold furniture, old clothes and toys that covered all the moving costs and deposits. All they had to do was sign their signatures. This was April 2019 I handled my notice in at work as I didn't think my career was going anywhere and I wasn't happy in the company. So I dedicated my full-time as a mental break and also moving them which took 3 months of my time. Then I travelled, looked into starting my own business just took a bit of me time out as I'm 30.

    Now we live in this new house which is a 4 bedroom villa which is much cheaper on rent. I have my own bedroom. But I've not found work yet which is fine I also buy all my own groceries I clean, I do all my part and beyond. We never argue or fight.

    My aunty is completely useless useless you can't rely on her for anything. She's the type if you asked her to dial 999 she'd call her husband to do it. She lays in bed playing candy crush and Netflix all day. As she's self employed too she doesn't need to go into an office which is even worse.

    So in December I had to come back and help my grandad move house (out of 5 children no one could help him - it does really annoy me) but whatever its my grandad. So I flew back to the UK too help with his move by feb I found a place, I then had to do his old property up to put it on rent. Then the pandemic hit. So I was of course in lockdown over here. Now because I'm not employed anymore in my new country I can't stay longer than 30days as everything has been lockdown. So I thought ok after the summer I'll go back. In the meantime I am here with my mum and the 2 children.

    Now because of the neglect from the parents the eldest child is very very naughty there's a lot of behavioural issue (which are normal) but of course a headache for my mother. My aunty and uncle were supposed to travel back every 2 weeks but of course the pandemic has allowed them not to do this. My mother has personally asked me to stay a few months more just to help out and it just makes sense as I can only stay 30 days in the other country then I'll have to fly back anyway.

    I am currently studying for a degree while I'm here so I'm helping my mum and studying. My aunty and uncle they call theyre kids one every 1 or 2 weeks. My aunty hasn't called in 2 weeks.

    Just the way they are - all over Facebook, infront of people they'll act like the doting parents but they really don't care. They don't help my mum financially she's put them in private school, karate, piano lessons everything. Then randomly they'll call to say they want to buy their 11 year old (who watches TV and tiktok all day) a iPhone 11 when its not even her birthday.
    Piorities are all messed up.

    OK so now you know the background so all this time my car my whole life is in my aunty and uncles house (my home). In my mums house I'm living out of a suitcase. So over there is my hub, my car, my everything.

    I spoke to my aunty and uncle and said I'd be coming back after Christmas as they are flying back anyway for Christmas here so I'll fly back with them then and hopefully the visa restrictions would have lifted.

    I haven't spoken to my aunty in 2 weeks. I find out through a lodger that rents a room from them that they have recruited someone for work and have put him and his gf in my bedroom. Now this is a bedroom of 8 years of my life (my whole life) my jewerly, laptop, 600GBP camera, all my clothes, perfumes everything. So I asked if they had at least packed my stuff away. To find out they hadn't even put my belonging in storage (they have a live in maid she could of done it within a day my aunty wouldn't of even needed to do anything)I just feel so upset she never told me and I get I have been back for 10 months but her 2 children are living here with my mother like I didn't think it was a big deal I at least thought my aunty would of called me and told me which I would of agreed they can stay in my room which is supposed to be for only 3weeks but I think will be longer. But the least they could do was have my clothes, jewerly, makeup, laptop, expensive stuff moved out. They don't even know these strangers and have apparently just put all my things in drawers and that's it. The girlfriend is my size so how do I know she won't take my clothes? I have really expensive la mer products, hair care designer handbags.

    my mother is very angry and said its very disrespectful what they've done. So I'm going to call my aunty tomorrow and make sure the maid clears my room out and puts it in storage. But what should I say to her? She's so lazy and inconsiderate because all she's thinking is she has a couple her and her husband can now have drinks with.

    I just feel so upset. My plan anyway was to move out in February but it would of been on great terms. I feel very violated also knowing on my brand new bed I paid to get customised and built for me is going to have two strangers doing the dirty on it.

  2. #2
    Bronze Member maritalbliss86's Avatar
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    That is a lot happening, Ironi... wow!

    First, I'm sure others will point this out, you only need to help with as much as you can do within your own boundaries. That includes things like helping all these relatives sell property or get properties ready for rent. My husband and I tell each other this mantra... to only do what we absolutely need to if it's in regard to family members that are awful people meaning --

    1) You have to be polite
    2) If you think you'll regret it later on or on your deathbed, you better do it, whatever it is

    It's served us well, and he has some pretty nasty types that he still wants/needs to be around for certain things, so this really seems to work.

  3. #3
    Bronze Member maritalbliss86's Avatar
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    You can totally leave in February and still keep it civil.

    Be classy

  4. #4
    Bronze Member maritalbliss86's Avatar
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    You can even leave early if you feel you need/want to.

    Have movers come and pack everything up and have it moved to another location you set up prior.

    You have lots of options here. The only truly tragic thing is the way they treat their kids! Ugh!

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  6. #5
    Gold Member ShySoul's Avatar
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    Wow, that's quite the story. As someone who has dealt with an alcoholic family member, I know all the issues that can bring up. You want to help them and try to assist and care for them, but there is little to show for it. You are amazing to have done as much as you have and it's good to see someone as caring as you. However, you can't help people who don't want to be helped. You should also not be expected to sacrifice your life, your mental health, and even your belongings. As much as you love your aunt and uncle, they are not treating you with respect and you should stay away from them as much as possible. Just as getting the children away was a good thing, you need to follow suit.

    You don't owe them an explanation. Just be polite and respectful. Say that while you love them, you need to be on your own for awhile and work on the next steps of your life. Keep the door open, but separate yourself. If you can, start looking for a place now. See if movers can get your stuff earlier, maybe putting in storage if you need to. I'm sorry you have gone through this and hope things turn around for you.

  7. #6
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    She's exactly like this. She came to visit her kids and expected me to still drop them to school, take them out, play with them etc. Me and my mum of course backed off let her run around, get up every 5 mins and basically 'be a mother' - she was then saying to me how I need to do more LOL. I had made it clear that I do do a lot I do school runs, and do the dinners of course homework and bath time etc. Obviously she would get annoyed because she'd have to keep putting candy crush down. Her husband would get sick of her just slumped on the couch playing it. So She would expect me to jump in and say 'oh I'll do it or come with you' when I didn't she would get very annoyed.

    So I'm going to call her and just see if she's coming to visit the kids in half term. Hopefully then she tells me- then I'm going to say all my belonging in are in one room with strangers you don't even know. Can you get the maid to pack all my things up? Or should I go more into depth on why it was wrong. I'm in another country and where all my things are I can't get movers in because of corona.

  8. #7
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    Hmmmm....well not sure what to say really. I have a very small family and don't have many relatives, so maybe can't relate. So your only issue is with how your Aunt and Uncle handled the room situation? You have no problem with anything else? Personally reading your post, I felt like the whole situation is kind of messed up and in my opinion not that pleasant for you. If you don't work at their company anymore, do you actually still have to live with them? Or could you afford your own place once you get a job?

    I think yes what your Aunt and Uncle did about the room is really rude. I think considering you lived there for eight years, they did owe you at least a phone call asking how you felt about the whole thing and what you prefer they did with your things. I think it is invasive that they just went through your stuff and put it in the drawers. Plus those people using the bedroom will have full access to everything you own.

    However I must say that really this behaviour is not surprising considering the way your Aunt and Uncle always act. They sound like very self-absorbed, careless people who don't really care about others. I mean, they don't even care about their own children! Personally I don't see why you had to be doing everything for them at their place, when they even have a maid. I know you were living with them for free, but your job also required that they pay for your accommodation. So really they were cutting corners and saving money by letting you stay with them. So I don't think you owed them anything except basic respect and cleaning up after yourself.

    You are right in saying that your Aunt and Uncle's relationship is none of your business. And their life really is not your concern. So I don't think your Mum should have taken their kids in and you shouldn't have been doing everything for your Aunt. She is an adult and if she wants to drink her days away and be lazy, that's her choice. That doesn't mean you or your Mum have to bail them out though. It's not your responsibility.

    I think the best solution may be to send the children back after COVID and for you to move out of your Aunt and Uncle's. That's just my opinion though.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Stop. Just stop. Your mother and your aunt are going to do what they do and be who they are.

    At 30 y/o you need your own job and place. Stop living with your mother. Stop living with your aunt.

    You go on and on about all this time money effort you put into this, yet it's completely inappropriate to play substitute wife and mother for your aunt.

    You go on and on about designer this and custom made that, but you can't get your own place and your own job. At 30?

    Why would your aunt send her kids to your mother while you stay at the aunt's house?

  10. #9
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    You have lived rent free for 8 years!!!!!!
    You have no right to complain about any of this?

    Do you even understand how much rent costs over 8 years?
    You paid for groceries? So what?
    What about utilities?

    You clearly have zero idea of cost of living.
    I suggest you rent a place. Pay your own utilities. Realise what disposable income actually means for most.
    And if you have any money left over to pay for luxuries such as your phone and internet to even post on here , then please update us !?

  11. #10
    Bronze Member maritalbliss86's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ironi
    She's exactly like this. She came to visit her kids and expected me to still drop them to school, take them out, play with them etc. Me and my mum of course backed off let her run around, get up every 5 mins and basically 'be a mother' - she was then saying to me how I need to do more LOL. I had made it clear that I do do a lot I do school runs, and do the dinners of course homework and bath time etc. Obviously she would get annoyed because she'd have to keep putting candy crush down. Her husband would get sick of her just slumped on the couch playing it. So She would expect me to jump in and say 'oh I'll do it or come with you' when I didn't she would get very annoyed.

    So I'm going to call her and just see if she's coming to visit the kids in half term. Hopefully then she tells me- then I'm going to say all my belonging in are in one room with strangers you don't even know. Can you get the maid to pack all my things up? Or should I go more into depth on why it was wrong. I'm in another country and where all my things are I can't get movers in because of corona.
    See but all of that is completely inappropriate. I think perhaps you're too close to the problem to be able to open your eyes and see how dysfunctional all this is (but you do seem to know it in your heart it's all wrong).

    Wiseman's right that you really need to establish your own independence away from your aunt and mom. I get it though that with the virus, economically A LOT of people are having to resort to living with relatives, but that only works when there are appropriate boundaries.

    The only thing you can control is yourself and your own decisions for your life, but you're acting like all this is thrown upon you and you have no choice. You do have a choice, hopefully you can see this

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