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Thread: Is backing off a good solution?

  1. #1
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    Is backing off a good solution?

    Hello guys this is my second thered here, if you already know my ex bf breakup with me few weeks ago, I will take it short and ask for what I want to know now, so since the breakup he wanted to remain best friends as we used to be I agreed because I was afraid of making wrong decision , we talk daily and he said he still have feelings for me but he never bring the come back together thing , however I find myself thinking about him and what he is doing and wondering why he not talking if few hours passed, I also want to mention that I'm not sure if I want him back but this feeling makes me sad whenever I'm happy
    Thanks.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    If it's hurting you, yes back off. Unfortunately you wish to be back in a relationship but he is only offering friendship.

    My advice about staying friends remains the same:
    [Register to see the link]

    Originally Posted by Mayo l22
    he wanted to remain best friends as we used to be I agreed ,he never bring the come back together thing

  3. #3
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    You simply cannot go from a long term relationship to just friends simply because you cannot turn those feelings off like a switch. When you break up, you really do need to take some serious time away from each other to heal and move on, and then you might revisit if you still want to be friends or not. Chances are, that by then your head and emotions have cleared enough that you actually will not be interested in that anyway.

    The other thing is that you cannot stay bff with an ex because that will stop you from finding a new partner and a relationship. People will see your situation as major unfinished business, rather toxic and will run like their hair is on fire.

    Finally, what he is doing is using you to get over you. He dumped you because he decided that you and him are not right for the long run. He didn't make that decision lightly, OP. He thought about it long and hard before ending things. However, he is happy to use the parts of you that he does like without any obligation or commitment. So where does that leave you? Stuck and confused, right? Hoping he'll change his mind. All it really does is stop you from healing and moving and finding the right guy for yourself when you are ready for that.

    Imo, you shouldn't just back off, you should walk away completely at least for a good year. No contact, no talking, no nothing. You pretty much have to wean yourself off this relationship. Now if in a year or so, you run into each other and friendship would work, carry on. Just do be honest with yourself that you are truly over all romantic feelings. Ask yourself a simple question, "if he starts to gush about a new girl he met, how will you feel?" If you would be genuinely happy for him and supportive of his new relationship, then you truly have reached a level of platonic friends only. If there is even a tinge of pain, jealousy, hurt - don't go there and don't try to stay "friends".

  4. #4
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    I mean is there a polite way to do it without hurting anybody?
    Should I try to distance myself or tell him directly, I try to tell hom once but he said we will think about each other more, and that I'm a special person in his life and he don't want to lose me, so I hesitated and stayed his friend

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Mayo l22
    I mean is there a polite way to do it without hurting anybody?
    Should I try to distance myself or tell him directly, I try to tell hom once but he said we will think about each other more, and that I'm a special person in his life and he don't want to lose me, so I hesitated and stayed his friend
    How would you be hurting him when he dumped you?

    What he is telling you is basically trying to let you down easy and trying to comfort you about the break up, which really does nothing more than make him feel better and leave you confused. In reality, he ended things because he is 100% OK with losing you. He actually made that choice and went forward with it. Someone who doesn't want to lose you, will not break up with you and tell you that he doesn't see a future together.

    How you end this contact nicely is by telling him that you cannot be his friend as it's not allowing you to heal from the break up and that you need to take care of yourself and wish him well in his life journey and healing and moving on as well. That from here on out, you'd appreciate that he doesn't contact you anymore. Then, if he disregards your polite request, go ahead and block him. If he genuinely cares about you, he will respect your request.

    There are consequences to breaking up - mainly that the dumper loses the privilege of your friendship, love, and companionship. If he didn't want to lose that, he shouldn't have dumped you. He doesn't get to have it both ways, where he dumps you and still gets the best parts of you. Value yourself a bit more than that.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    If you want to stick around pretending to be friends, you'll have a front row seat when he starts dating someone else. And he will, guaranteed.

    You're more worried about possibly upsetting him than you are about your own feelings and that's not good for you.

  8. #7
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    Being best-friends with recent exes (and most exes in general) is not realistic at all.

    How good will feel to be his "best friend" when he meets a new woman and is excited to tell you all about her? That's what best friends do, after all.

  9. #8
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    You should be complete no contact. He dumped you, and now wants the benefit of a friendship. No way. He shows no concern for your feelings.

    We already advised you on this. Go back and reread your old thread.

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    I told him clear that I need a break from that friendship thing, he agreed since I told him I was emotionally not stable , thanks guys for your advice ,and wish me luck

  11. #10
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Good choice!

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