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Thread: His sex history and sex values make me feel emotionally unsafe

  1. #1
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    His sex history and sex values make me feel emotionally unsafe

    I met someone over a year ago who was very forward in liking me and wanting to get to know me. At the time he wasn't my taste or style even though I thought he was very good looking, I was still getting over someone and this person was very different from who I date. First off I found out he is ten years younger than me, he also has many good looking friends who are woman who he is close to, some sex worker friends, some friends he casually has had sex with. I feel his younger generation of more open relationships and only fans pages and open sexuality differs from me in that i need to be more emotionally connected to have sex and I would not want to sell sex photos of myself or have casual partners for fun. Anyway, these are partly reasons I was always hesitant in dating him.

    Fast forward a year later of us mostly just texting here and there and becoming friends, and then when covid hit, he became my hiking buddy. We started to hang out almost every week and go hike together and message each other more and more until months later we finally started to have an intimate relationship. I have always had a hard time being open sexually so I told him I have a low libido and that I wasn't sure we could match sexually but he has definitly heightened my libido and made me enjoy sex more than I usually have, partly because I took the time to get comfortable with him and get to know him. A couple months into us being intimate and hanging out at least twice a week we discussed being exclusive. I pretty much told him if he was still sleeping with other people I wouldn't be able to continue a physical relationship. He said that because of covid he couldn't and wouldn't be with other woman but he still wants some time to get to know me to know what he wants and if he wants a boyfriend/girlfriend real relationship. I was okay with that because Ive been unsure what I want and what I feel. But I also wanted to hear him say something sweet about only wanting to be with me...

    Fast forward a couple more months, things have been really good and we've gotten even closer, which is making me nervous about getting hurt. So all together its been a year since he's known me and started texting and wanting to hang out and then 5 months of us being closer friends hiking together and getting to know each other and now 4 months of us sleeping together and acting like a couple. He invited me to meet his friends, we've gone camping and on road trips and we hang out all the time and he even wants to do a halloween costume together. I love the sex and his company but I have this anxiety that because he is hyper sexual more than me and has all these relationships with woman that he is sending sex videos and messages and flirting with them remotely. I also have this fear that if it weren't for covid maybe he'd still be sleeping with other people. He's mentioned to me that I should do an only fans page and it hurt my feelings knowing he has a bunch of girl friends that do it and that he would want to put myself out there. He seems to like me a lot but I want more emotional security. Maybe I am insecure. I just dont want to get hurt. I know I need to talk to him but Im really scared to bring anything up and not sure how. I was thinking of just straight out asking him if he sends sext texts and videos to other women.

    There is a lot more too it all but that is the basics I could think of without this being way too long. Thank you to anyone who reads this. Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #2
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    Well I see what you're saying because values and beliefs are actually important in a relationship. If you are very different from him regarding sexual and relationship values, plus you're ten years older, it may be an issue. How old are you and him? Then again, if he's like 30 and you're 40, in my opinion at those ages it's not that much of a difference. But if he's in his 20's and you're in your 30's, then at that stage of life may seem like a much larger gap.

    I'm 35 and this is only my opinion but I think that being open minded about sex and sex work doesn't automatically mean that someone only wants to sleep around and is incapable of being in a relationship. I'm bisexual and I have a good female friend who is a sex worker and web cam girl. We are only friends and never did anything with each other. I'm just open minded and I don't care that she's a sex worker. I have also had casual sex and some wild sex stuff in my life. But I did that while I was single. I really want to be in a relationship and marry and have kids. When I'm in a relationship I only have eyes for that person.

    The thing that kinda stands out to me though is that after all that time of knowing you and sleeping with you for four months, the guy is still saying he's not sure whether he wants to be in a relationship. He knows you really well at this point and he's had four months to develop feelings. So what is his reason that he's "not sure"? I would probably be worried about that part more than anything. If he's dragging his feet then is he not into you or a commitment phobe/womaniser/polyamorous? If you're looking for a serious relationship and he doesn't want a relationship, that's the main reason to end it in my opinion.

  3. #3
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    Originally Posted by Anon333
    he is hyper sexual more than me and has all these relationships with woman that he is sending sex videos and messages and flirting with them remotely. I also have this fear that if it weren't for covid maybe he'd still be sleeping with other people. He's mentioned to me that I should do an only fans page and it hurt my feelings knowing he has a bunch of girl friends that do it and that he would want to put myself out there
    Maybe I'm already old at 39, but what is an "only fans page"? My guess is that it's a paid service where you can get away with posting salacious content - is that correct? If so, any guy who suggests something like this is not taking you seriously. Have you ever given any indication whatsoever that you're into that sort of thing, and how did that even come up in conversation?

    I'm sorry to say, but I don't think he wants a relationship with you. You were hoping he'd say he did after you told him you wanted sexual exclusivity - but he didn't. And he still hasn't, from what I gather. My sense is that he enjoys your company and the sex, but he's not looking for a committed relationship and you will be but one option in his roster when Covid eases up.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Is he a male escort or porn actor?
    It sounds like you were hurting and numb from your last relationship and this guy sort of reawakened your poor libido.

    Are you sure your sexual encounters are not being video recorded and sold on his only fans page?

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    I really think you should get out now. This guy isn't for you. Don't doubt yourself. Sure, you've had some fun and enjoyed the sex. It's not worth turning on your own values for though. You've overlooked a bunch because you were dazed from your last relationship, and you got sucked in to a f buddy thing. That's not the end of the world, but no need to double down and try and turn this into something it is not.
    And honestly? I don't think you should trust him. You know what he is about, it will hurt you eventually, trust yourself.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    When you're regularly upset in a relationship, it means it's not the right one for you. I know I wouldn't be happy with a guy who had a harem of female "friends," and who was fine with FWB situations.

    Date someone who matches you in every major way including ethics and dating/relationship goals. Chalk this one up to what you don't want in a relationship, something that should benefit you in the future, knowing what not to settle for.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    I think your gut and anxiety are telling you what to do. And you are ignoring them which usually does lead to getting hurt. You know what your comfortable with, yet you're pushing yourself to be with this guy. Do you think that is honoring yourself and you're own needs?

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by itsallgrand
    I really think you should get out now. This guy isn't for you. Don't doubt yourself. Sure, you've had some fun and enjoyed the sex. It's not worth turning on your own values for though. You've overlooked a bunch because you were dazed from your last relationship, and you got sucked in to a f buddy thing. That's not the end of the world, but no need to double down and try and turn this into something it is not.
    And honestly? I don't think you should trust him. You know what he is about, it will hurt you eventually, trust yourself.
    Yes, this. You went into this eyes wide open. You knew who he was. He told you. Nothing has changed except you making excuses, being dishonest with yourself, ignoring your values- it upset me to read this and upset me that you think this is about age. It's not. I personally know for example two married couples in their 20s and early 30s (the latter have been married for 7 years, the former for 6 years) - with children and they are committed, monogamous, happily married and not on social media or into sex photos or open relationships. One of the women was into casual sex many years ago as a teenager/young 20s and she regretted it because she had to tell her husband when they met and got serious about her past and also that she had an STD. Thank goodness he was good with it and all was well. It's not about age. It's this individual person.

    He's entitled to do what he's doing. He didn't lie to you. I also wouldn't trust him to be monogamous - if he's been having intercourse with you all this time and still doesn't know if he wants to be committed to you -please. I totally believe that if he met the right person he wanted to be committed to he could be trustworthy and a person of integrity and character and committed and loyal -people of course can choose all that. People can change. He's shown no indication he wants to make that kind of dramatic about face for you. I'd move on unless you want to be connected to him for decades to come if you get pregnant and keep the child or if you want the lasting memory of one or more STDS. Please be good to yourself and stand up for yourself and your values -not to him - there's no need to tell him what your values are -that would be like a lecture -I mean internally.

    I'm also concerned that you're looking at all this "acting like a couple" as any indication that he wants a commitment to you. He told you he doesn't -months of knowing you, months of having intercourse with you -he likes playing at being a couple -the fun parts - so do you -and he likes having sex with you -and you like having sex with him -you found him physically attractive from the get go - but playing at being a couple and being a couple -apples and oranges.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It's not a good match. Trust your instincts.

    How did you meet this person?

  11. #10
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    I hope you wore condoms? This guy is a terrible pick as a partner.

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