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Thread: His sex history and sex values make me feel emotionally unsafe

  1. #21
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Anon333
    I finally talked to him tonight and he told me he isn't seeing anyone else and he isn't involved with anyone else even remotely and that I'm the first person he has really liked in years and he thought things were going well and he didnt realize I felt how I do. He still can't put a label on the relationship but he says he's really happy with me and not seeing anyone else and really wants to keep being with me and that he wants to talk in person about things. I was ready to leave but I do think he sincerely likes me and wants a relationship with me. Maybe I am fooling myself. I even said to him that I dont want to be with him while he keeps his options open and he said he has been keeping his options open dating casually for years and he chose me and is dating me now and that he is serious about me.
    The only thing he likes about you is how easily he can manipulate and sweet talk you, your extreme lack of sense of boundaries and what's right and wrong. Even with facts in your face, you don't seem to have the sense to follow your values and walk away. I say walk away because you can't even dump him - you aren't a couple.

    You keep talking, he keeps twisting out of any commitment....buuuut....you are "special, sooo special, keep hanging in there, maybe some day his highness will decide to be with you for real....meanwhile, ignore the sexting and video calls....." ugh... You are lapping that bs up. What's going on with you. Why is your self respect so low? Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    So you've had sex for a whole 4 months and known each other for a year. That's enough time for the average person to decide whether or not the person they are dating is one they want to go to the next level with, hoping for a lifetime together as their goal.

    That is, if a person's goal is longterm. He's never said that's his goal. It's obviously yours, because you speak of fearing being hurt, so you must want forever with him.

    You don't match in your dating/relationship goals. There's a decade age gap, another con. Here's an excerpt on those stats: A five-year age gap statistically means you’re 18% more likely to divorce (versus just 3% with a 1-year age difference), and that rate rises to 39% for a 10-year age difference and 95% for a 20-year age gap. Partners from different generations may have different cultural reference points and values, and polar opposite tastes in music and film, and even friends, and also have different approaches to their sex life, says Fran Walfish, Beverly Hills psychotherapist and panelist on “Sex Box,” a forthcoming We TV relationship therapy show. “Sex drive goes up for women in middle age, but sexual function decreases for men.”

    You're too close to the situation to see things as clearly as outsiders. I see it as he liked the challenge you were. I see it as he cares more about the fun of leaping over a barrier, regardless that he knows you want more than he does, and that he in no way can meet your needs.

    You want a guy who will be so crazy about you he will want to shout from the rooftops that you're his girlfriend and can't believe his luck in snagging you.

    Instead, you have someone you've been sharing the gift of your body with 4 months, poured your emotional energy and time into for an entire year, and he still isn't ready to embrace you as significant other. Yeah--not a good risk for your heart.

    What's your timeline to bail if you're not his girlfriend? Two years? What more can he learn that he doesn't already know?

  3. #23
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    When I was reading your posts the first thing I thought is this guy is grooming her He mentioned you should set up a fan page so you could be part of his harem.

    I wonder how many of these other female friends have been down the same path you are on with him?

    So putting all the other stuff aside please answer these few questions:

    What are you looking for eventually? Marriage? Children? Family?

    What is he looking for?

    There comes a time sooner or later where what you want for your life and what the other person wants for their life needs to coalesce.

    This guy is good for some fun inside and out of the bedroom but you know there is no future with him. Are you willing to wait 10 years for him to catch up to where you are?

    Lots of red flags here...

    Lost

  4. #24
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    You don't match in your dating/relationship goals. There's a decade age gap, another con. Here's an excerpt on those stats: A five-year age gap statistically means you’re 18% more likely to divorce (versus just 3% with a 1-year age difference), and that rate rises to 39% for a 10-year age difference and 95% for a 20-year age gap. Partners from different generations may have different cultural reference points and values, and polar opposite tastes in music and film, and even friends, and also have different approaches to their sex life, says Fran Walfish, Beverly Hills psychotherapist and panelist on “Sex Box,” a forthcoming We TV relationship therapy show. “Sex drive goes up for women in middle age, but sexual function decreases for men.”

    In most married couples i know that have lasted the long haul, the woman is 5-7 years younger than the man or the man is one year younger than the woman unless they married right out of high school. I don't think an age gap predicts divorce unless its to the extreme - like 20 years.

    I do see men and women where the woman is 10 years older divorce because he didn't want kids at first but now wants them, or where the man is older by 20 years UNLESS they married right out of high school 50 years ago. UNLESS the woman is from a disadvantaged country OR they met on an academic level (two archeaolgists who met by doing research together or some very intense interest)

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Anon333
    I finally talked to him tonight and he told me he isn't seeing anyone else and he isn't involved with anyone else even remotely and that I'm the first person he has really liked in years and he thought things were going well and he didnt realize I felt how I do. He still can't put a label on the relationship but he says he's really happy with me and not seeing anyone else and really wants to keep being with me and that he wants to talk in person about things. I was ready to leave but I do think he sincerely likes me and wants a relationship with me. Maybe I am fooling myself. I even said to him that I dont want to be with him while he keeps his options open and he said he has been keeping his options open dating casually for years and he chose me and is dating me now and that he is serious about me.
    In the end you'll have to decide the life you want to live. You've shown and described the experience so far to be difficult and full of worry and anxiety. I wouldn't look to him for any answers. You've seen enough. Is this the life you see for yourself?

    You can't undo insecurity with a relationship. It's like putting a bandaid on a gaping wound that needs multiple stitches. I'm sorry to say this. Both of you are on completely different wavelengths and the very thing that creates insecurities in you is what he is as a person. You don't have to look any further than how you phrased and used the words in your thread header. Those are very specific words 'sex history' and 'sex values' making you feel 'emotionally unsafe'. You are either a very good writer and extra dramatic or you're speaking straight from the heart and all I'm seeing is total fear and paralysis.

    Somehow you found yourself in this situation. We are all made up of sets of strengths and weaknesses and at any one point we encounter situations in life that leave us vulnerable. We either perceive something differently than we normally would or we're in transition periods or dips in emotional strength or aren't feeling ourselves. His looks drew you to him but you didn't answer my earlier question on how you both met. Did you meet through social media or online? What connections do you have in person in real life to each other?

    The hiking is one thing that the both of you share but not much else. Was it needing a hiking partner that left you vulnerable because you lost a partner who was also a hiker? I'm asking these questions to get a better idea of where you're coming from and why you're reacting to this person or choosing to have him in your life.

  7. #26
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    I met him at my work and he introduced himself to me a year ago. We have mutual friends and I befriended him on instagram and then he sent me a message saying he thought I was really cute and wanted to know if I wanted to hang out. I told him thank you but I was just getting out of a relationship and needed time. I wasn't really interested in him at all and it was more of an ego boost that someone liked me. We stayed in touch and he became a closer friend. He would bring me things into my work and got me a plant for my birthday.

    When the pandemic hit I decided to spend more time with him because we both wanted to get more exercise and get out. I made it clear I only wanted to be friends still. As the months went on us of us spending time I became more comfortable with him and started to have more feelings and was curious about him and I. I also was interesting in having sex since I hadn't had it in over a year. So I decided to move the relationship into an intimate relationship. He wanted to spend more time with me and said he hasn't liked anyone like me in a long time. I didnt have anxiety about the relationship up until recently when I realized my feelings may be growing more an I wanted to know where we stood. I have tried to be cautious with my heart and I feel like maybe I exaggerated my post to paint a bad light on him.

    All the responses I am getting are really extreme asking me what is wrong with me like i carelessly jumped into something when I have been really cautious and I still am. I feel I can walk away from this if i need to. But my conversation with him last night made it clear he said he has been monogamous with me and hasn't been sexting or in any type of relationship with anyone else. He said it would be scummy of him to do such a thing when we had that conversation and agreed to monogamy. He apologized for making me feel like it was about sex and said Im the first person he's wanted a real relationship with in a long time. He has shown he likes to spend time with me by planning vacations and he isn't hiding me and wanted me to meet his friends at his birthday the other week. He even wanted to do a halloween costume with me together. I agree that I want him to be screaming from the rooftops his devotion to me and although I do know he's really into me and really likes me I do see he is being cautious as well. That is the point I am at, trying to figure out if it is safe to move forward. I know he is very much into me and it is more than sex, I just dont know if we line up in the long run with values like I said. his sexuality seems much more casual to me and sex and emotional connection are important to me.

  8. #27
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    those statistics are good to know. Thank you for all of that insight. Alo for better reference I am 40 and he is 30.

  9. #28
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    He is monogamous -sexually. And, for now only. He is not committed to you, including emotionally. Two very different things.

    He's not being the least bit cautious -he's swapping bodily fluids with you regularly and risking having a child with you for months now. If you don't feel safe committing to him why do you feel safe having sex with him? He is into you for more than sex. He likes you, he likes hanging out with you. And after all this time he dismisses commitment as a label and is "not ready" to commit to you. So yes he is into you and not just for sex. And he doesn't want to be your boyfriend/partner/significant other. Both are true.

  10. #29
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    My friend was 40 when she married her 30 year old husband. He was her dance instructor. They met when she was in her late 30s. He committed to her quickly and they married about two years later. Because of the age difference and their income difference she had him sign a prenup. They had twins a few years later. From all I know they are still married (this was over 10 years ago). Of course it can work despite the age difference. If both want the same things. You two do not. He may be honest that he's ready to bed you and have the privilege of your friendship too but not ready to call you his person -call you his partner - and he also knows you're settling for scraps even if he didn't say that. So his respect for you is not going to increase and likely will decrease and he will be even less motivated to decide if he's ready for more than bedding/hanging out. My friend's dance instructor husband was very handsome and I'm sure lots of women wanted him. But he wanted her. And wanted to be committed to her.

    I cannot stand when women are dishonest with themselves in this way. And so often they blame the man for "leading them on" and get jaded about men . You say you're not sure either -but you're far more sure than he is. So if he said today =-let's be a real couple -you would say "no I'm not ready?"

  11. #30
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    im just confused on what is commitment then. we both have been exclusive and we both have been spending quality time together and he has made it clear he's serious about me. I dont know if either of us is sure about the relationship. Im sure if I told him a boyfriend/girlfriend label was important to me than he would use it. What are the scraps Im settling for? because he doesn't want to marry after 4 months? Im really confused about this relationship stuff and I think I confused him last night as well. Maybe it is a matter of labels? Maybe it is him telling me he is devoted to making making a long term relationship work? The way he worded it last night is that he wants things to work and maybe we will still be together till we are old, but he is being cautious too.

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