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Thread: His sex history and sex values make me feel emotionally unsafe

  1. #11
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    He's been very open and upfront with you that he is NOT a monogamous kind of a person. In fact, when you asked him directly, his response was again very clear - the only reason he is not sleeping with other women is because of covid. Even so, he is busy sexting other women.

    Unless you are good with being just one of many in his stable, then you need to walk away from this today. You are getting attached and you are starting to hope that he will magically have a total personality transplant and become the monogamous person with the same values as you have. He will not. When it comes to fundament things like that, people do not change. In fact the "romantic" idea that someone will drastically change for love is the kind deluded thinking that leaves people stuck for years in misery in terrible, toxic relationship they should have left long ago or never even entered in the first place.

    At any rate - all you have is sex and he told you straight up that's all he is up for. Believe him. Btw, this is NOT some generational whatever, this is who he is. Do not kid yourself about that please. Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #12
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    I pretty much told him if he was still sleeping with other people I wouldn't be able to continue a physical relationship. He said that because of covid he couldn't and wouldn't be with other woman

    This is what it boils down to right here. He told you he won't sleep with anyone else BECAUSE OF COVID, not because he is really likes you and wants to see where it goes.

    In retrospect, you should not have slept with him. you should have said "Sorry, I only sleep with guys after I get to know them better and they feel the same about me. I only sleep with men who aren't dating or sleeping or sexting with other women." If he truly was ready for a relationship, he would know he has to drop all of those other women and prove it OR JUST be your hiking buddy and that's all.

    I would not beat yourself up and chalk this up to something like a vacation romance -- it was what it was-- but it wasn't permanent.

    I would stop sleeping with him and tell him your feelings that you want to go back to just hiking because you don't want to be sleeping with someone who is only sleeping exclusively with you due to covid

  3. #13
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    To be a little more clear, he kind of made it sound like he wouldn't sleep with other people because of covid but he also said he would do it for me because of how I feel and see where the relationship went. he has liked me for a long time and told me he hasn't felt this way about someone for a long time at one point. When he said he wanted to give things a little more time to see where things go and he wasn't going to sleep with people I was okay with it. I also dont know if he is sexting and video sexing with other people but it is my hunch because of his personality and because he hasn't been clear in what he wants. I was going to ask him but these responses make it sound like should just break it off. It sucks cause tomorrow is my birthday and we had whole plans together and he said he wants to make the day special for me. He also visited me at work today cause he knew I've been down, but he doesn't know its about him. I havent even been sure about I want out of the relationship but recently i have been feeling I dont want to risk getting hurt any more if this is just a FWB thing. I guess I need to ask. Thank you all for the responses. I might have shined a negative light on him more than there is but I also think I needed to hear your warnings and thoughts.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by Anon333
    To be a little more clear, he kind of made it sound like he wouldn't sleep with other people because of covid but he also said he would do it for me because of how I feel and see where the relationship went. he has liked me for a long time and told me he hasn't felt this way about someone for a long time at one point. When he said he wanted to give things a little more time to see where things go and he wasn't going to sleep with people I was okay with it. I also dont know if he is sexting and video sexing with other people but it is my hunch because of his personality and because he hasn't been clear in what he wants. I was going to ask him but these responses make it sound like should just break it off. It sucks cause tomorrow is my birthday and we had whole plans together and he said he wants to make the day special for me. He also visited me at work today cause he knew I've been down, but he doesn't know its about him. I havent even been sure about I want out of the relationship but recently i have been feeling I dont want to risk getting hurt any more if this is just a FWB thing. I guess I need to ask. Thank you all for the responses. I might have shined a negative light on him more than there is but I also think I needed to hear your warnings and thoughts.
    So he is doing it "for you" not because he wants to be committed to you. Tell him not to do you any favors. Don't you want more for yourself? So he wants more time for what? He's already having intercourse with you for months - so that he didn't need more time for to decide to have sex with you but to commit to you, to be exclusive -that he needs more time for. He has been clear on what he wants. He wants to have sex with you and he is willing to compromise for "you" so you will continue the sexual arrangement while he mulls over whether he sees you as relationship material.

    Please don't settle for scraps especially scraps that could make you pregnant or sick.

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  6. #15
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    I finally talked to him tonight and he told me he isn't seeing anyone else and he isn't involved with anyone else even remotely and that I'm the first person he has really liked in years and he thought things were going well and he didnt realize I felt how I do. He still can't put a label on the relationship but he says he's really happy with me and not seeing anyone else and really wants to keep being with me and that he wants to talk in person about things. I was ready to leave but I do think he sincerely likes me and wants a relationship with me. Maybe I am fooling myself. I even said to him that I dont want to be with him while he keeps his options open and he said he has been keeping his options open dating casually for years and he chose me and is dating me now and that he is serious about me.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by Anon333
    He still can't put a label on the relationship
    So, what is stopping him at this point? This has been going on for months and he's still not really committing. What is the hold up?

    I still think you're going to wind up seriously hurt here.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It's interesting that you keep asking him about being exclusive, what are we?, where is it going?, etc.

    No matter what you ask and how he answers, he is still doing a lot of variations on the "for right now" theme.

    That's ok as long as you can detach yourself completely and realize this is an in-the-moment situation.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Keyman's Avatar
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    Fear breaks relatoionships. Fear mires us in a swamp of disillusion, panaoia, mistrust, depression and pain.

    Honestly, the life he was living, while it might have been fun for him, was shallow and likely unfulfilling. But in the state, when one cannot find something deep and fulfilling, and endless stream of one nighters or short terms can provide enough of a smoke screen to hide behind, but it never takes away the feeling of being unfulfilled. But now he has chosen you and to feel something deeper. You challenge him, which is good, he needs to be challenged and to feel the depth which you bring and want to bring to the relationship. But you are also bringing fear, which will push him away. And should he come to the conclusion that you are just too unsure, that you fear too much, then he will likley leave and head right back to the easy shallow and unfulfilling lifestyle.

    Ultimately, you are never going to know fully if he intends to stay or go. So, you have two choices, take him at face value, stop fearing he will leave and start enjoying your time together; Or walk away.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by Anon333
    I finally talked to him tonight and he told me he isn't seeing anyone else and he isn't involved with anyone else even remotely and that I'm the first person he has really liked in years and he thought things were going well and he didnt realize I felt how I do. He still can't put a label on the relationship but he says he's really happy with me and not seeing anyone else and really wants to keep being with me and that he wants to talk in person about things. I was ready to leave but I do think he sincerely likes me and wants a relationship with me. Maybe I am fooling myself. I even said to him that I dont want to be with him while he keeps his options open and he said he has been keeping his options open dating casually for years and he chose me and is dating me now and that he is serious about me.
    Nothing to do with labels. It's the meaning behind the labels. He wants to keep his options open. He's not seeing anyone else. Today. Today he could see or hear from someone who interests him and since there's no "label" (um, commitment) he can pursue that person and he will not have lead you on. Not even a teensy weensy bit.

    He likes you and also likes having sex with you right now. He doesn't care that he's having sex with you and you could meet someone else today. He is not serious about you because if he was it would be far from a label. It would be the substance behind the label. In fact he would never ever use the word label because he'd want you to know directly and simply that he wants you. Just as he is direct and simple about knowing he wants intercourse with you.

    He'd want you to be his in a committed, exclusive, loving relationship -where he could see if real love develops while you don't keep your options open. People move towards pleasure and away from pain. He gets pleasure from having sex with you and from hanging out with you and you're willing to settle for him keeping his options open because he's sure he likes intercourse just not sure he wants to be with you in a committed relationship. Since he won't commit to you I'd make sure you have the discussion of what would happen if you got pregnant (even if you know you would abort, you might want to ask him how he feels about it). Same convo if you were committed but often those discussions are different since there are no other potential sex partners/dates involved.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by Keyman
    Fear breaks relatoionships. Fear mires us in a swamp of disillusion, panaoia, mistrust, depression and pain.

    Honestly, the life he was living, while it might have been fun for him, was shallow and likely unfulfilling. But in the state, when one cannot find something deep and fulfilling, and endless stream of one nighters or short terms can provide enough of a smoke screen to hide behind, but it never takes away the feeling of being unfulfilled. But now he has chosen you and to feel something deeper. You challenge him, which is good, he needs to be challenged and to feel the depth which you bring and want to bring to the relationship. But you are also bringing fear, which will push him away. And should he come to the conclusion that you are just too unsure, that you fear too much, then he will likley leave and head right back to the easy shallow and unfulfilling lifestyle.

    Ultimately, you are never going to know fully if he intends to stay or go. So, you have two choices, take him at face value, stop fearing he will leave and start enjoying your time together; Or walk away.
    There's nothing to fear here. Nothing unknown. Today he has the option of meeting someone else whether to date the person, hook up, have sex, whatever. No fear because it's the known, not the unknown. And since past behavior is a great predictor of future behavior he may like her a lot but he is a person who also likes multiple partners and casual sex a lot too. Now if he committed to her with enthusiasm and she still lived in fear he could leave that would be more on her. But she should know -not fear -that she is someone he likes right now. That he is not seeing anyone else right now. Right now can end today or in a few hours.

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