Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 25

Thread: Dating with Codependency

  1. #1
    Silver Member Dalesboy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2018
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    402
    Gender
    Male

    Dating with Codependency

    Hi guys

    As my mind comes around to the prospect of wanting to meet someone again. I'd really appreciate hearing how those who have or know of codependency keep it in check.

    I've been continuing to read up on relationships and self worth, and the the crux of the matter seems to be, the act of being in a relationship shouldn't be what makes you happy, but the partnership of two happy people. I'm paraphrasing, but I hope I'm on the right lines.

    I think ever since being in my early teens, 'falling in love' has been in my mind 'the route to happyness', and I think it's become hardwired, possibly due to my mother having little involvement in my upbringing, possibly not.

    I'm learning and wanting to change. Any feedback about moving forward this way would be welcome.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    4,849
    Gender
    Male
    I've only read a bit of your other threads, so I'm not familiar with the nitty-gritty of your history. But some general thoughts...

    This might sound strange, but I think there are kind of two key steps to self-awareness, to the eternal business of further inhabiting ourselves. First step is the epiphany about ourselvesóa codependent streak, in your case. Whoa, we go, so that's what it is! There is comfort in that, information, a label to hold in the hand, turn around, analyze, even fetishize a bit. It's a fertile state of being. But it has to lead to another state, to step two, which is not thinking about it as such a big deal but just one small piece of the complex whole that is us. Or, put another way, you have to get back to just thinking of yourself as a human being, not a Codependent Human, so you can connect on that level above all others.

    Guess what I'm saying is that if you date thinking "I'm codependent but want to be less codependent" the odds are that you are just going to maximize the very thing you're trying to minimize. You risk freezing yourself in step one. On the other hand, if you commit to shoring up your more independent nature, while single, you are likely to be less codependent in matters of romance, in an organic way, because you've done a touch of "work" to demagnetize some internal magnets, if that makes sense. You've formed a new set of habits that have replaced the old set.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2017
    Location
    Europe
    Posts
    2,525
    Gender
    Female
    So DB, I think this sums it up.

    "Do codependents really love?
    In this scenario, the lover cannot be the individual they really are, but must fulfill a role their partner has for them. ... The trouble is that there is never enough love. That is where the codependent come in. Because of low self esteem and deep seated insecurity, the codependent cannot be the person they really are."


    And this (from MentalHealth.net:

    "How do you know if you have a loving relationship or one that is codependent? The answer is that if you constantly submerge your wishes for the wishes of another or fear asserting what you may wish, then, you may be in a very self destructive relationship."

    And this (expressed better than I ever could):

    "Before long the codependent becomes emotionally dependant on their partner and obsessed with their problems and needs. It is a parasitic relationship; the codependent feels like his survival depends on having the other person in his life. It is an addiction in every sense of the word; the other person becomes the codependentís drug. It is an obsession that consumes his every waking thought. The hopelessness and depression that result only make him cling tighter to the other person. He may smile for the world but inside he feels like he is dying. He begins isolating himself because he does not want others to know about the secret life he is leading."

    Falling in love, nothing wrong with that DB. And you can fall in love and progress to a happy and contented relationship. Toxic "love" aka obsession is a different matter.

    You are more aware now DB, and you just need to pull yourself up, sharply, any time you find yourself putting another's (perceived) well-being before your own.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    4,579
    Great questions. I like Bluecastle's point about how we perceive ourselves and allowing yourself to be human while still recognizing parts you'd like to improve.

    Without going into details, my brush with codependency in a partner involved feeling extremely suffocated to the point of mental and emotional abuse as the behaviours became more and more angry, bitter and resentful when that partner perceived I didn't need him the way he desperately needed to feel needed in a relationship.

    If you feel yourself slipping into a negative space or not feeling needed or loved in a relationship, come back to yourself and be kind to yourself and your partner. Focus on positives. I think the cycle leads to depression as low feelings sort of snowball. Find ways to stay grateful and positive for all the good things that you do have together or as an individual.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Location
    Wilds of Texas
    Posts
    11,314
    Gender
    Female
    I tend to attract codependent people like a magnet and my personal experience (generalizing somewhat I'm sure) is that people like that have a very poor or even no sense of self. It's like they never worked on building a solid personal identity, sense of self, self reliance. Emphasis on building that. It sounds to me like early on you simply opted for the easy route - adopting someone else's life, interests, identity.....it's really a form of personal laziness.

    In a nutshell, when you learn to be self reliant, you can't also be codependent. When you build a strong sense of self, a strong personal identity, it will become impossible to set aside your needs and just glom onto someone else, boring really.

    Thing is that being aware is your greatest asset because you can now work on all that. Should you be jumping into dating right now? Well....that's a very codependent thing to do isn't it? It's kind of avoiding exactly that - the hard work you need to actually do on yourself so that you can make a good partner who actually bring something of value to be table instead of just taking.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2017
    Location
    Europe
    Posts
    2,525
    Gender
    Female
    Brief and to the point DF.

    That about sums it up:

    "In a nutshell, when you learn to be self reliant, you can't also be codependent"

  8. #7
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2015
    Location
    Somewhere Out There
    Age
    38
    Posts
    2,044
    Gender
    Female
    Hi! Iím currently working on this as well. What Iím finding about not dating right now is that Iím dealing with a wide range of emotions myself. I used too think having someone would cure me of Ďloneliness,í anxiety, feeling sad. Nope I just took those emotions into the relationships I had and they were magnified. Iím finding that I actually handle the emotions better on my own.

    I think itís important you focus on not needing anyone to make you happy or not needing anyone. Thatís where co dependency has a viscous cycle. You rely too much on your happiness to be found in others.

    I donít recommend everyone doing this. But Iím taking six months to a year to just focus on my needs. Iím wanting to learn how to be self sufficient in my own emotional needs. I want to re enter the dating world happy with who I am and having been alone this whole duration to know Iím fine by myself.

    Iím not saying you have to be perfect and itís nice to have a supportive partner to vent too. Iím just thinking if you go from person to person to find yourself thatís not good.

    There has to be a healthy balance.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2017
    Location
    Europe
    Posts
    2,525
    Gender
    Female
    I think that is very recommendable Limichelle.

    "Iím taking six months to a year to just focus on my needs."

  10. #9
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Location
    Wilds of Texas
    Posts
    11,314
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by limichelle
    Hi! Iím currently working on this as well. What Iím finding about not dating right now is that Iím dealing with a wide range of emotions myself. I used too think having someone would cure me of Ďloneliness,í anxiety, feeling sad. Nope I just took those emotions into the relationships I had and they were magnified. Iím finding that I actually handle the emotions better on my own.

    I think itís important you focus on not needing anyone to make you happy or not needing anyone. Thatís where co dependency has a viscous cycle. You rely too much on your happiness to be found in others.

    I donít recommend everyone doing this. But Iím taking six months to a year to just focus on my needs. Iím wanting to learn how to be self sufficient in my own emotional needs. I want to re enter the dating world happy with who I am and having been alone this whole duration to know Iím fine by myself.

    Iím not saying you have to be perfect and itís nice to have a supportive partner to vent too. Iím just thinking if you go from person to person to find yourself thatís not good.

    There has to be a healthy balance.
    Brilliant post worth repeating. You simply cannot find yourself in other people.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member SooSad33's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    6,917
    Hi Dales,

    Good on you to 'learn' and go by that. I do as well.

    Sadly, we get all kinds, some are challenged.. and lost in themselves. Some seek out someone to 'try and make them feel better'. In that case, you will fail. It will not work, since you will drain them and cause issue's.
    Depending on someone like that, is stressful- and means you are NOT involved for the right reasons..

    Same as 'using' someone, ya think? Eventually it will fall apart, as the relation will not build properly.
    ( like when someone is using someone else because they have money, or they have a car, etc... that person will most likely catch on = problems).

    Many things contribute to a relationship being successful.
    Stability counts.. sending off bad vibes doesn't cut it. Nor does insecurity, desperation, distrust etc.

    If you are dependent on someone, it means you are relying on THEM to make you feel better.
    You can't do that, or you will be severely disappointed and as I mentioned, you drain them.

    You should be okay to look into someone of interest IF you are feeling good, can 'give' into it as well. since it always
    takes TWO.
    IF you are 'not happy' with yorself, that can most often spill into your relation, as you will be more a 'negative'.
    Of course, unless you are both that way, then you can both be dragging , draining on each other..
    Is up to the individual, as to what they will tolerate.

    Sadly, many people either get too emotionally involved- which makes things so hard to get out of it.
    Some people are that 'needy' themselves, that they will just take it- yet it is affecting their mental health..etc.

    Ohh, I think I am rambling....
    Anyways, from my end, I have experienced a lot. As I said, there's all kinds out there.. and because I became aware, of what it was doing to me- and I knew I had to remove myself from a few 'toxic' relations.. was a learning experience.

    And as LiMichelle has said.. I am also taking some good 'down time' to take care of myself.. and am in NO hurry to get involved again. has just been too much on my mental health.. as Relationships expect a lot out of you.

    But, is awesome it all works well- and both ARE 'Happy & comfortable' in it.

    Try not to "over think' all of this.. and drive yourself, batty..lol. We meet many people in our lives... sometimes we go further with that.
    If you are too uncertain due to your past, maybe consider some prof help?

    Gd luck

Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast

Videos


Maintaining A Strong Relationship

Detaching From a Malignant Man

Divorced Parents Prefer Technology and Social Media As Communication Tool

Wedding Jitters Could Be a Predictor for a Future Divorce

Botox Fights Depression And Makes You Feel Happier

Men Are More Sensitive than Women when Having Relationship Problems
Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •