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Thread: Inlove with no future?

  1. #1

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    Inlove with no future?

    Hey. So Iím a 24 year old female. 5 months ago i reconnected with my first love, he reached out on social media and we really hit it off. We both had just finished from long term relationships and he wanted to meet up, was so persistent and explained how he had been dying for the chance to be able to speak with me again as he claims he hasnít met anyone like me again in his life. Back story, Iíve known him since we were literally children, we started dating mid teens and we have always had an amazing connection to this very day, not just as a couple but as best friends. The issue is when I was younger and before he and I became an item I had a ďflingĒ with a guy from his friend group, it wasnít serious but when he found out as teenagers he was ďdisgustedĒ and hurt and angry, which I can understand but he claims this is the reason he will never be able to take me seriously, obviously he finished it with me and I was utterly heartbroken but we never truly lost contact, he has continued to come back to me through out his entire life with the same saying of ďi canít find anyone to replace youĒ. I find this insane because we are now adults and Iíve never betrayed him in the duration of us ever being together so I donít see why what I did as a teenager should be an on going issue? Since we reconnected itís been incredible and we truly have been inseparable without any arguments or bad days and itís like we were never apart. We both communicate with each other that we never found the connection and bond that we have with each other with anyone else and that we are compatible in every shape and form. Heís been romantic, literally treating me like a queen when we have been together and I have been reciprocating that energy to make him feel loved too. He wants to be around my friends and family and makes the effort with them and has had me around all of his friends also, (not the one I have history with - they are still in contact but not as close as they was) his friends all agree that he and I have an amazing connection so why doesnít he see it? I guess what Iím saying is I have loved this man since the very first day we met up as teenagers, he is the male version of myself in so many ways and we just get each other, we have been so amazing recently but I canít help but feel as though Iím playing myself here, but I donít want to believe that to be true. My closest friends have said if this is what I want to continue Pursuing then thatís fine but I also have to be smart and prepared for a potential horrible ending. But I donít see why that needs to happen, there is no denying the feelings he has for me, I can see it, itís as though he just doesnít want to admit how he feels? Or am I just being naive, I just canít believe we can be as close, intense, infatuated and also so genuinely happy together but at the same time he can tell me he doesnít want to lead me on or make me believe itís something more than it is? Itís always been so much more, so why is he denying me of that. I donít want to, I really donít but how do you even walk away from someone when you both have such an incredible, perfect relationship just without the title? Thank you and if you have any questions please do ask :)

  2. #2
    Bronze Member maritalbliss86's Avatar
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    I'm confused... did he actually tell you he didn't want a relationship?

  3. #3

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    Sorry for confusing you, but yes pretty much. Last night I messaged when I got home from his and said are you happy with how things are with us right now? Because I am. He replied and just said that I make him very happy but he ďdoesnít want to give the wrong impression or mislead meĒ I replied with what do you mean by that? And he said that I know what heís talking about? I just donít know how to confront that situation. Thank you x

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear that. It sounds like he is warning you that this is just a casual rebound situation. He sees that you are much too over invested and is telling you that.

    You need to pull way back from this. He only contacted you because he got dumped and wanted easy no hassle sex. Heed his warning.

    If you continue this starry eyed soulmate thinking, sadly you'll be in for two heartaches in a row, because you're on the rebound as well.
    Originally Posted by Panna
    but he ďdoesnít want to give the wrong impression or mislead meĒ I replied with what do you mean by that? And he said that I know what heís talking about?

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Panna
    but how do you even walk away from someone when you both have such an incredible, perfect relationship just without the title?
    Easy. You both have different ideas about what you want in a relationship. You want something permanent. He wants something temporary. One of you will always be unhappy in this dynamic.

    Originally Posted by Panna
    he has continued to come back to me through out his entire life with the same saying of ďi canít find anyone to replace youĒ. I find this insane because we are now adults and Iíve never betrayed him in the duration of us ever being together so I donít see why what I did as a teenager should be an on going issue?
    This really has nothing to do with your teenage years. What you have here is something commonly referred to as "keeping you on the hook."

    It's utterly unrewarding for the person who is on the hook (you).

  7. #6
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    What happened to paragraphs! Very difficult to read,

    You need to move on from this. He does not feel the same and does not want a future with you.

    He is a waste of time.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Panna
    I make him very happy but he ďdoesnít want to give the wrong impression or mislead meĒ
    Imo, he likes you but at the end of the day he is just not that into you. He is not into you as much as you are into him and that's an utterly unbalanced relationship dynamic. Personally, I would dump him on the spot and never look back because if he can feel that "close, intense, infatuated" yet he proclaims that that's the "wrong impression" he is giving out, then he is not a reliable/emotionally safe partner. Imo, when actions and words don't match then unfortunately it's the worst case scenario that is the answer. By continuing to humor him after the statement he made above, you will come across as someone who does not love herself and unfortunately people tend to treat you only as good as you treat yourself. It sounds like you are being used as a stepping stone/ rebound. He ďcanít find anyone to replace youĒ but from the sound of it his intention is to keep looking. I know fully well how difficult it is to walk away from your first love but it's time to take him of the pedestal. He is not the wonderful guy your mind has painted him to be, he is just a guy who will keep playing you as a fiddle for as long as you allow it. When actions and words don't match, imo the healthiest approach is to walk away. We teach others how they are allowed to treat us...

    P.S. There are people who are indeed irked by the idea of being in a relationship with someone who has been with a friend of theirs. I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole someone who has been with a close friend of mine. BUT this guy is actually in the wrong nonmatter how you view it. He should have had the integrity not to get with you if he is not able to get over the past, NOT jerk you around like that.
    Last edited by Clio; 10-13-2020 at 08:27 AM.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by Panna
    He replied and just said that I make him very happy but he ďdoesnít want to give the wrong impression or mislead meĒ I replied with what do you mean by that? And he said that I know what heís talking about? I just donít know how to confront that situation. Thank you x
    There is nothing to confront, really.

    He isn't looking to make this a serious relationship. You're essentially acting a place-holder until he meets the woman he does want to have a relationship with. He's happy to enjoy your company and attention for now, but he doesn't you as his long-term person.

    This isn't going to end well for you if you keep seeing him, OP.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    You've put him on such a high pedestal, yet sitting here in the bleacher seats, he doesn't sound like a very good person.

    All this stuff he is doing, look up love bombing, because it sounds exactly like what he is doing. An intense chase, but no real substance behind it. Essentially shallow fun on his end. Unfortunately, you are buying into that wholesale and you are going to get badly hurt by this.

    Bottom line is when a guy tells you what you don't want to hear, like he is not serious about actually being with you, you better believe him because he is telling you the truth. What other people think, how it looks - none of that matters. If he is telling you he is not actually that into you, then you are in a one sided situation where your feelings of connection and attachment are much greater and his not so much.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    He's deeply insecure and he's not in love with you. This isn't a winning combination. Pick mates with a larger worldview, please, and tread lightly where there are differences. He doesn't feel the same way about you and I think you've deluded yourself for a very long time. The worst part about these types of individuals is they'll make it out to be your fault or as if it's something that you did even though their insecurity prevents them from seeing their own prejudices.

    Keep your chin up and don't let this person determine your self-worth. You've got it all backwards right now. Never place that much worth or importance on a person who does not respect you in the same way. I'm sure your friends and family have already told you the same. It's time for you to recognize it yourself and walk away.

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