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Inlove with no future?


Panna

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Hey. So I’m a 24 year old female. 5 months ago i reconnected with my first love, he reached out on social media and we really hit it off. We both had just finished from long term relationships and he wanted to meet up, was so persistent and explained how he had been dying for the chance to be able to speak with me again as he claims he hasn’t met anyone like me again in his life. Back story, I’ve known him since we were literally children, we started dating mid teens and we have always had an amazing connection to this very day, not just as a couple but as best friends. The issue is when I was younger and before he and I became an item I had a “fling” with a guy from his friend group, it wasn’t serious but when he found out as teenagers he was “disgusted” and hurt and angry, which I can understand but he claims this is the reason he will never be able to take me seriously, obviously he finished it with me and I was utterly heartbroken but we never truly lost contact, he has continued to come back to me through out his entire life with the same saying of “i can’t find anyone to replace you”. I find this insane because we are now adults and I’ve never betrayed him in the duration of us ever being together so I don’t see why what I did as a teenager should be an on going issue? Since we reconnected it’s been incredible and we truly have been inseparable without any arguments or bad days and it’s like we were never apart. We both communicate with each other that we never found the connection and bond that we have with each other with anyone else and that we are compatible in every shape and form. He’s been romantic, literally treating me like a queen when we have been together and I have been reciprocating that energy to make him feel loved too. He wants to be around my friends and family and makes the effort with them and has had me around all of his friends also, (not the one I have history with - they are still in contact but not as close as they was) his friends all agree that he and I have an amazing connection so why doesn’t he see it? I guess what I’m saying is I have loved this man since the very first day we met up as teenagers, he is the male version of myself in so many ways and we just get each other, we have been so amazing recently but I can’t help but feel as though I’m playing myself here, but I don’t want to believe that to be true. My closest friends have said if this is what I want to continue Pursuing then that’s fine but I also have to be smart and prepared for a potential horrible ending. But I don’t see why that needs to happen, there is no denying the feelings he has for me, I can see it, it’s as though he just doesn’t want to admit how he feels? Or am I just being naive, I just can’t believe we can be as close, intense, infatuated and also so genuinely happy together but at the same time he can tell me he doesn’t want to lead me on or make me believe it’s something more than it is? It’s always been so much more, so why is he denying me of that. I don’t want to, I really don’t but how do you even walk away from someone when you both have such an incredible, perfect relationship just without the title? Thank you and if you have any questions please do ask :)

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Sorry for confusing you, but yes pretty much. Last night I messaged when I got home from his and said are you happy with how things are with us right now? Because I am. He replied and just said that I make him very happy but he “doesn’t want to give the wrong impression or mislead me” I replied with what do you mean by that? And he said that I know what he’s talking about? I just don’t know how to confront that situation. Thank you x

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Sorry to hear that. It sounds like he is warning you that this is just a casual rebound situation. He sees that you are much too over invested and is telling you that.

 

You need to pull way back from this. He only contacted you because he got dumped and wanted easy no hassle sex. Heed his warning.

 

If you continue this starry eyed soulmate thinking, sadly you'll be in for two heartaches in a row, because you're on the rebound as well.

but he “doesn’t want to give the wrong impression or mislead me” I replied with what do you mean by that? And he said that I know what he’s talking about?
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but how do you even walk away from someone when you both have such an incredible, perfect relationship just without the title?

 

Easy. You both have different ideas about what you want in a relationship. You want something permanent. He wants something temporary. One of you will always be unhappy in this dynamic.

 

he has continued to come back to me through out his entire life with the same saying of “i can’t find anyone to replace you”. I find this insane because we are now adults and I’ve never betrayed him in the duration of us ever being together so I don’t see why what I did as a teenager should be an on going issue?

 

This really has nothing to do with your teenage years. What you have here is something commonly referred to as "keeping you on the hook."

 

It's utterly unrewarding for the person who is on the hook (you).

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I make him very happy but he “doesn’t want to give the wrong impression or mislead me”

 

Imo, he likes you but at the end of the day he is just not that into you. He is not into you as much as you are into him and that's an utterly unbalanced relationship dynamic. Personally, I would dump him on the spot and never look back because if he can feel that "close, intense, infatuated" yet he proclaims that that's the "wrong impression" he is giving out, then he is not a reliable/emotionally safe partner. Imo, when actions and words don't match then unfortunately it's the worst case scenario that is the answer. By continuing to humor him after the statement he made above, you will come across as someone who does not love herself and unfortunately people tend to treat you only as good as you treat yourself. It sounds like you are being used as a stepping stone/ rebound. He “can’t find anyone to replace you” but from the sound of it his intention is to keep looking. I know fully well how difficult it is to walk away from your first love but it's time to take him of the pedestal. He is not the wonderful guy your mind has painted him to be, he is just a guy who will keep playing you as a fiddle for as long as you allow it. When actions and words don't match, imo the healthiest approach is to walk away. We teach others how they are allowed to treat us...

 

P.S. There are people who are indeed irked by the idea of being in a relationship with someone who has been with a friend of theirs. I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole someone who has been with a close friend of mine. BUT this guy is actually in the wrong nonmatter how you view it. He should have had the integrity not to get with you if he is not able to get over the past, NOT jerk you around like that.

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He replied and just said that I make him very happy but he “doesn’t want to give the wrong impression or mislead me” I replied with what do you mean by that? And he said that I know what he’s talking about? I just don’t know how to confront that situation. Thank you x

 

There is nothing to confront, really.

 

He isn't looking to make this a serious relationship. You're essentially acting a place-holder until he meets the woman he does want to have a relationship with. He's happy to enjoy your company and attention for now, but he doesn't you as his long-term person.

 

This isn't going to end well for you if you keep seeing him, OP.

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You've put him on such a high pedestal, yet sitting here in the bleacher seats, he doesn't sound like a very good person.

 

All this stuff he is doing, look up love bombing, because it sounds exactly like what he is doing. An intense chase, but no real substance behind it. Essentially shallow fun on his end. Unfortunately, you are buying into that wholesale and you are going to get badly hurt by this.

 

Bottom line is when a guy tells you what you don't want to hear, like he is not serious about actually being with you, you better believe him because he is telling you the truth. What other people think, how it looks - none of that matters. If he is telling you he is not actually that into you, then you are in a one sided situation where your feelings of connection and attachment are much greater and his not so much.

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He's deeply insecure and he's not in love with you. This isn't a winning combination. Pick mates with a larger worldview, please, and tread lightly where there are differences. He doesn't feel the same way about you and I think you've deluded yourself for a very long time. The worst part about these types of individuals is they'll make it out to be your fault or as if it's something that you did even though their insecurity prevents them from seeing their own prejudices.

 

Keep your chin up and don't let this person determine your self-worth. You've got it all backwards right now. Never place that much worth or importance on a person who does not respect you in the same way. I'm sure your friends and family have already told you the same. It's time for you to recognize it yourself and walk away.

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We both had just finished from long term relationships and he wanted to meet up, was so persistent and explained how he had been dying for the chance to be able to speak with me again as he claims he hasn’t met anyone like me again in his life.

- This line is so over used.. :/

As well you have BOTH come out of LTR..

 

Sounds like what happened in your pasts, did make an impact on him :(. But, yeah.. it;s been forever, man!

 

You are sitting.. and waiting for the shoe to drop... then this is no good.

To sit in anticipation- then the damage has been done... right?

 

From my own experience, yeah, we can sometimes come across an old friend or flame.. BUT, what happened then and to how we are now ( often many yrs down the road), we are NOT the same as we were back in HS.

A LOT has happened, which changed us.

 

How you knew him then is not how he is today.

Like others have said, he is not as into you as you are with him.. Fantasy vs Reality.

 

So, get yourself together now and sit back.. take a BIG look at everything!

 

You are taking a huge risk with how you are reacting to all of this.

 

Like I said, you are BOTH interacting again after you have each gotten out of a long term relationship break up.

He is NOT where you are now ( willing & able) by sounds of it.

 

You two are not aligned the same in the slightest. This you need to see.

 

Back off, and as he said.. pretty much don't expect much.

 

Sorry, but for your own mentality, keep going - with no expectations.

Is sad yes, when we run into an old flame again- but so much has happened over the years- He is no longer how you saw him before.

 

Move on... keep working on yourself... self care & getting back to 'good'.

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he has continued to come back to me through out his entire life with the same saying of “i can’t find anyone to replace you”.

 

Time to cut the cord once and for all. Go no contact. He's always treated you like a yo-yo, distancing himself when it suits him, and reeling you back in when he has a dry spell.

 

People who are into treat you like the special person you are to keep you in their lives. People who aren't into you spew their warnings (use at your own risk) so they won't feel guilty when it doesn't pan out how their partner wishes--"See? I told you so. If you didn't listen, that's on you!"

 

The chemistry you have with someone can last a lifetime. But chemistry is only biological. So much more has to come in to play to choose a lifetime partner wisely, including matching in all the major ways and having the same dating/relationship goals.

 

Free yourself to eventually find someone you don't have to write on a forum about.

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Seems like he is simply unsure what he wants. He keeps coming back to you because he honestly does think of you as a great friend and he sees the connection you have. You're the first love that other's get compared to. I think he does have feelings for you and isn't just using you. But there is some hangup that he has about committing. It's also possible you are soulmates, just not of the romantic nature. There are people who connect on every level, but it's not meant to turn into romantic love. They share an incredible friendship and life, but it's not the kind of soulmate people think of.

 

What do you want? If you really want more, then you have to let him know. If your heart is set on him, tell him. It does no good to keep it inside and go on like things are. You'll drive yourself crazy. Let it all out, say exactly how you feel. But you do need to be prepared that he won't feel the same. Even if everything seems perfect and they even admit to sharing your feelings, sometimes it doesn't work out. Sometimes they have issues to work out that keeps them from being able to give themselves fully. Sometimes their past or personal problems get in the way. If he can't commit or see what's in front of him, know it's not your fault. Both people have to be ready to commit, you can't make him be ready.

 

Know that there is someone out there for you who can give you everything you need. Maybe it's him and it will work out eventually. Maybe it's someone else. But it will happen when it's the right time. Until then, realize you are a strong person on your own. Be happy with who you are. Life your life to the fullest and don't let anyone else dictate your happiness.

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She wants a committed relationship and he does not. She has told him this so continuing to talk at him about it again and again and louder and louder, won't change his mind.

 

He's been crystal clear on that. Talking at people who do not care does a lot more harm than good. Despite common myths, talking and more talking at brick walls does not solve problems.

 

Problems are solved by accepting the obvious truths and taking action to resolve things. In this case, extricating herself from a no win situation.

What do you want? If you really want more, then you have to let him know. If your heart is set on him, tell him. It does no good to keep it inside and go on like things are. [/Quote]
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All I'm seeing that she said is "are you happy with how things are with us right now? Because I am." That is not admitting she wants more, that is saying she wants to keep things as they are.

 

Problems are solved by clearing the air and letting your feelings be known. Talking is not just about reaching the conclusion you want, it is about working through your feelings and emotions and having the ability to say that I did something. When I've kept my feelings to myself, it has just been a burden weighing me down. I had a hard time accepting things because there was the question of what if I had done something else or said something different. There was the feeling that the other person didn't really know how I felt. There was the feeling that this issue was still unresolved. But when I let my feelings be fully known, I could breath easier. Sometimes it helped the situation and the other person actually changed their mind. Other times it didn't change the end result, but it gave me peace of mind. I could walk away knowing I had said my piece and done everything that I could. That made acceptance easier, because I had gotten the closure and resolution I needed.

 

Talking is just as much about healing and stating the truth (the full truth for all sides). It can be the action needed to resolve things, or at least the first step that enables you to walk away.

 

Panna, do what is right for you. I really hope you find the love you deserve, no matter who it is with.

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Hey, thank you everyone for your responses! I really appreciate every angle you guys have covered and I believe you have really highlighted the issues that I was convincing myself weren’t there. So thank you.

 

In regards to telling him what I want, honestly no that conversation has not been had and if I’m completely transparent and honest it’s because I’m scared of the answer I’m going to get. I know that’s ridiculous and I really don’t want to be a place holder for anyone especially him. After everything everyone has said my only answer I guess is to rip the bandaid off. Ouch lol

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Unfortunately he's being crystal clear that this is a for-now situation. He's warning you that you are getting ahead of yourself and that he is not in this with both feet.

 

So. You Have told him how you feel. And. He has told you how he feels.

 

Ok. So. You have talked. You have told him and you have your answers.

 

Having the last word or going on and on about your feelings is just going in circles. Communication is a quality Not quantity issue. Both of you have stated your case.

 

Now proceed with caution... Or not. Talk more and get hurt more. Or. Believe him the first time and spare yourself a lot of heartaches.

 

You are very lucky in this case. Actions don't lie but words and talk can. In fact talk is often the tool of liars.

 

Here you have someone sincere enough to tell you that he's not that into it. He's giving you a road map. You can take it or leave it.

 

But more talking about feelings will make you Think you're making headway but only forster your own self-deception.

I messaged when I got home from his and said are you happy with how things are with us right now? Because I am. He replied and just said that I make him very happy but he “doesn’t want to give the wrong impression or mislead me” I replied with what do you mean by that? And he said that I know what he’s talking about? I just don’t know how to confront that situation. Thank you x
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Hey, thank you everyone for your responses! I really appreciate every angle you guys have covered and I believe you have really highlighted the issues that I was convincing myself weren’t there. So thank you.

 

In regards to telling him what I want, honestly no that conversation has not been had and if I’m completely transparent and honest it’s because I’m scared of the answer I’m going to get. I know that’s ridiculous and I really don’t want to be a place holder for anyone especially him. After everything everyone has said my only answer I guess is to rip the bandaid off. Ouch lol

 

Hi Panna. Ripping the bandaid off is painful and never easy. Yes, he doesn't seem like he wants more (which makes him a fool in my book given the connection you seem to have lol). But using the analogy, if the bandaid never comes off, how do you know you're healed? The way things are is causing you problems. It's already hurting you. If you are able to put your feelings aside, then do it. But in my experience, once those feelings are there it's like a damn that has to break at some point. Otherwise you drive yourself crazy. It would be nice if we could all be strictly logical and avoid any pain. But humans are crazy, emotional beings. Sometimes you have to put yourself out there and risk the rejection. You'll have said you're piece and got the answer. It may hurt in the short term, but you will survive and be able to start healing. For me, having that weight lifted was what allowed me see someone that there was someone else who I connected with even better and had been right in front of me the whole time.

 

No matter what happens, know that you we will get through it. And you will find something special. You deserve nothing less.

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