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Thread: Inlove with no future?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member SooSad33's Avatar
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    We both had just finished from long term relationships and he wanted to meet up, was so persistent and explained how he had been dying for the chance to be able to speak with me again as he claims he hasnít met anyone like me again in his life.
    - This line is so over used.. :/
    As well you have BOTH come out of LTR..

    Sounds like what happened in your pasts, did make an impact on him :(. But, yeah.. it;s been forever, man!

    You are sitting.. and waiting for the shoe to drop... then this is no good.
    To sit in anticipation- then the damage has been done... right?

    From my own experience, yeah, we can sometimes come across an old friend or flame.. BUT, what happened then and to how we are now ( often many yrs down the road), we are NOT the same as we were back in HS.
    A LOT has happened, which changed us.

    How you knew him then is not how he is today.
    Like others have said, he is not as into you as you are with him.. Fantasy vs Reality.

    So, get yourself together now and sit back.. take a BIG look at everything!

    You are taking a huge risk with how you are reacting to all of this.

    Like I said, you are BOTH interacting again after you have each gotten out of a long term relationship break up.
    He is NOT where you are now ( willing & able) by sounds of it.

    You two are not aligned the same in the slightest. This you need to see.

    Back off, and as he said.. pretty much don't expect much.

    Sorry, but for your own mentality, keep going - with no expectations.
    Is sad yes, when we run into an old flame again- but so much has happened over the years- He is no longer how you saw him before.

    Move on... keep working on yourself... self care & getting back to 'good'.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    he has continued to come back to me through out his entire life with the same saying of ďi canít find anyone to replace youĒ.

    Time to cut the cord once and for all. Go no contact. He's always treated you like a yo-yo, distancing himself when it suits him, and reeling you back in when he has a dry spell.

    People who are into treat you like the special person you are to keep you in their lives. People who aren't into you spew their warnings (use at your own risk) so they won't feel guilty when it doesn't pan out how their partner wishes--"See? I told you so. If you didn't listen, that's on you!"

    The chemistry you have with someone can last a lifetime. But chemistry is only biological. So much more has to come in to play to choose a lifetime partner wisely, including matching in all the major ways and having the same dating/relationship goals.

    Free yourself to eventually find someone you don't have to write on a forum about.

  3. #13
    Silver Member ShySoul's Avatar
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    Seems like he is simply unsure what he wants. He keeps coming back to you because he honestly does think of you as a great friend and he sees the connection you have. You're the first love that other's get compared to. I think he does have feelings for you and isn't just using you. But there is some hangup that he has about committing. It's also possible you are soulmates, just not of the romantic nature. There are people who connect on every level, but it's not meant to turn into romantic love. They share an incredible friendship and life, but it's not the kind of soulmate people think of.

    What do you want? If you really want more, then you have to let him know. If your heart is set on him, tell him. It does no good to keep it inside and go on like things are. You'll drive yourself crazy. Let it all out, say exactly how you feel. But you do need to be prepared that he won't feel the same. Even if everything seems perfect and they even admit to sharing your feelings, sometimes it doesn't work out. Sometimes they have issues to work out that keeps them from being able to give themselves fully. Sometimes their past or personal problems get in the way. If he can't commit or see what's in front of him, know it's not your fault. Both people have to be ready to commit, you can't make him be ready.

    Know that there is someone out there for you who can give you everything you need. Maybe it's him and it will work out eventually. Maybe it's someone else. But it will happen when it's the right time. Until then, realize you are a strong person on your own. Be happy with who you are. Life your life to the fullest and don't let anyone else dictate your happiness.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    She wants a committed relationship and he does not. She has told him this so continuing to talk at him about it again and again and louder and louder, won't change his mind.

    He's been crystal clear on that. Talking at people who do not care does a lot more harm than good. Despite common myths, talking and more talking at brick walls does not solve problems.

    Problems are solved by accepting the obvious truths and taking action to resolve things. In this case, extricating herself from a no win situation.
    Originally Posted by ShySoul
    What do you want? If you really want more, then you have to let him know. If your heart is set on him, tell him. It does no good to keep it inside and go on like things are.

  5.  

  6. #15
    Silver Member ShySoul's Avatar
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    All I'm seeing that she said is "are you happy with how things are with us right now? Because I am." That is not admitting she wants more, that is saying she wants to keep things as they are.

    Problems are solved by clearing the air and letting your feelings be known. Talking is not just about reaching the conclusion you want, it is about working through your feelings and emotions and having the ability to say that I did something. When I've kept my feelings to myself, it has just been a burden weighing me down. I had a hard time accepting things because there was the question of what if I had done something else or said something different. There was the feeling that the other person didn't really know how I felt. There was the feeling that this issue was still unresolved. But when I let my feelings be fully known, I could breath easier. Sometimes it helped the situation and the other person actually changed their mind. Other times it didn't change the end result, but it gave me peace of mind. I could walk away knowing I had said my piece and done everything that I could. That made acceptance easier, because I had gotten the closure and resolution I needed.

    Talking is just as much about healing and stating the truth (the full truth for all sides). It can be the action needed to resolve things, or at least the first step that enables you to walk away.

    Panna, do what is right for you. I really hope you find the love you deserve, no matter who it is with.

  7. #16

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    Hey, thank you everyone for your responses! I really appreciate every angle you guys have covered and I believe you have really highlighted the issues that I was convincing myself werenít there. So thank you.

    In regards to telling him what I want, honestly no that conversation has not been had and if Iím completely transparent and honest itís because Iím scared of the answer Iím going to get. I know thatís ridiculous and I really donít want to be a place holder for anyone especially him. After everything everyone has said my only answer I guess is to rip the bandaid off. Ouch lol

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately he's being crystal clear that this is a for-now situation. He's warning you that you are getting ahead of yourself and that he is not in this with both feet.

    So. You Have told him how you feel. And. He has told you how he feels.

    Ok. So. You have talked. You have told him and you have your answers.

    Having the last word or going on and on about your feelings is just going in circles. Communication is a quality Not quantity issue. Both of you have stated your case.

    Now proceed with caution... Or not. Talk more and get hurt more. Or. Believe him the first time and spare yourself a lot of heartaches.

    You are very lucky in this case. Actions don't lie but words and talk can. In fact talk is often the tool of liars.

    Here you have someone sincere enough to tell you that he's not that into it. He's giving you a road map. You can take it or leave it.

    But more talking about feelings will make you Think you're making headway but only forster your own self-deception.
    Originally Posted by Panna
    I messaged when I got home from his and said are you happy with how things are with us right now? Because I am. He replied and just said that I make him very happy but he ďdoesnít want to give the wrong impression or mislead meĒ I replied with what do you mean by that? And he said that I know what heís talking about? I just donít know how to confront that situation. Thank you x
    Last edited by Wiseman2; 10-15-2020 at 05:15 AM.

  9. #18
    Silver Member ShySoul's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Panna
    Hey, thank you everyone for your responses! I really appreciate every angle you guys have covered and I believe you have really highlighted the issues that I was convincing myself werenít there. So thank you.

    In regards to telling him what I want, honestly no that conversation has not been had and if Iím completely transparent and honest itís because Iím scared of the answer Iím going to get. I know thatís ridiculous and I really donít want to be a place holder for anyone especially him. After everything everyone has said my only answer I guess is to rip the bandaid off. Ouch lol
    Hi Panna. Ripping the bandaid off is painful and never easy. Yes, he doesn't seem like he wants more (which makes him a fool in my book given the connection you seem to have lol). But using the analogy, if the bandaid never comes off, how do you know you're healed? The way things are is causing you problems. It's already hurting you. If you are able to put your feelings aside, then do it. But in my experience, once those feelings are there it's like a damn that has to break at some point. Otherwise you drive yourself crazy. It would be nice if we could all be strictly logical and avoid any pain. But humans are crazy, emotional beings. Sometimes you have to put yourself out there and risk the rejection. You'll have said you're piece and got the answer. It may hurt in the short term, but you will survive and be able to start healing. For me, having that weight lifted was what allowed me see someone that there was someone else who I connected with even better and had been right in front of me the whole time.

    No matter what happens, know that you we will get through it. And you will find something special. You deserve nothing less.

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