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Thread: Should I Stay or Should I Go - The Clash

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    Member theoutsider's Avatar
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    Should I Stay or Should I Go - The Clash

    Hi! First of all, I would like to apologize if I write something wrong (English is not my official language, but I will try to write everything correctly).

    I (M20) met a girl (24) at the university, and we started talking, getting to know each other and, eventually, we started a relationship. And we understood each other very well, we were having something like a serious relationship, although not "officially". I liked her, quite a lot. And she felt exactly the same. That is, until now it was a happy story (haha). But, because of some old relationships that I had, I acquired some "fears", like serious relationship phobia. Because of that, we only made things official at the beginning of this year.

    We always saw each other, but with COVID, I ended up coming to my hometown, and she to hers. We kept in touch, obviously, and everything was fine. On my birthday, she gave the idea of coming to my city, to see me, but as I am very stupid, I told her not to do that (I would never forgive myself if she got COVID because of me). Then, a month later, she just broke up (practically a year and a half of relationship). And with that, she exposed some things that I had never touched myself: that I had been selfish at times in the relationship, acted coldly, and so on. And, looking back, I agree.

    She always said that she doesn't keep in touch with any exes, just age as if they didn't exist. But for some reason, we kept in touch and kept talking. However, I was totally unsure about us and totally wrong (trying to get her back). So I ended up pushing her away and she ended up moving away from me. I started an NC to calm myself down (however, she deleted me from FB and stopped following me on Instagram. Here, whatsapp is quite "important", but in this app she didn't block me or anything). Continuing, after about three weeks, I contacted her (last week) to try to talk about things that we had never talked about since the end, but she was not very receptive, saying that "there is no turning back" and that the " cycle is over ", that we will not live together next year, nor will we talk any more. That the things I learned, I must use for the next people I will meet.

    Anyway, I love her. And I really wanted to try to get back with her again. And (a very strong trait of mine) I feel very guilty. And now, there's not much I can do (I believe). But, I don't know, I'm exposing it because I wanted to know what other people think about it, and also if there is any kind of hope. Next year, we'll see each other again, I read a lot about "it's about time", but, hahaha, it's horrible to want to talk to someone, see someone and not be able.

    But, for those who have read this far, excuse me for the long text (and the mistakes), there are more things.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. You need to step back now. If she contacts you, ok, but don't contact her.
    Originally Posted by theoutsider
    I contacted her (last week) to try to talk about things that we had never talked about since the end, but she was not very receptive, saying that "there is no turning back" and that the " cycle is over ", that we will not live together next year, nor will we talk any more

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    Originally Posted by theoutsider
    I contacted her (last week) to try to talk about things that we had never talked about since the end, but she was not very receptive, saying that "there is no turning back" and that the " cycle is over ", that we will not live together next year, nor will we talk any more.
    She is completely done with this, I'm sorry to say.

    It's time to believe what she's telling you, and work on letting her go.

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    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Give yourself more time. You're not ready to be friendly with her so don't do that until you're feeling more stable and able to let go of the relationship.

    This relationship appears to have taught you a lot about yourself. Avoid dating if you're not ready to date as previous perceptions and ideas or fears can cloud your mind and heart or carry over into a new relationship. You learned that and those are experiences you can carry with you forwards. I treat them a little like those funny guards we use at the bowling alley if we're awful at it (like yours truly). Use those tools going forward, things that you've learned about yourself.

    We are all made up of bits and pieces and all the stars in the universe of the previous people we've loved. I call them stars as the memories are as numerous as those in the sky, all blinking and shimmering down if we choose to look up every now and then. You'll have to live in peace with the past and make plans for your future. It doesn't end with one person.

    Keep your chin up. This isn't the end - just the beginning. You've got so much more to see and learn and many more people to meet.

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    Member theoutsider's Avatar
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    Thank you guys! Yes, I started NC recently and that's it. I really like her, and next year we will see each other (we live close to each other and study at the same place). But, it's that famous phrase: "if it's meant to be it will be." But, I will use this time to evolve as a person.

    Have a good week! :)

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    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    She said what I would have advised....learn, and use what you have learned for the next person you meet.

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    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    You said she mentioned a 'cycle,' so it sounds as though she's caught on that you don't seem interested in her unless she's on her way out or gone. Some therapists call that the 'dance away lover'.

    When you see her in school, you can be kind, but don't pursue her. The only way either of you can trust that this isn't just another cycle of longing only for what you don't have is for her to be the one who initiates anything.

    Beyond that, take her advice--do what it takes to grow into someone who can be more available and invested in your next relationship.

    Head dhigh, we all live and learn.

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    Member theoutsider's Avatar
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    All of you are right. Looking now, I think I was wrong to have kept in touch after the end and ended up pushing her away (for pleading and being insecure). But, for some reason, I'm fine (4 days of NC). I will focus on becoming a better man. Next year, we'll see each other sometime and 'who knows?' It will also be my last year of college! - actually, thekid55 has an incredible diary and made me realize (in fact, it helped me to remember something that I had forgotten in the midst of this recent "nightmare") that this is the 'incredible' part of life. We never know where we're going, but we'll get to exactly where we need to be.

    to all of you: thanks for the advices :)

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    Gold Member ShySoul's Avatar
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    I would question wanting to be with someone who actually seems very cold towards you. Why did she wait until breaking up with you to tell you all the problems she was having with the relationship? That only caused her to build anger and resentment until she couldn't take it anymore. If she had really wanted things to work, she should have been dealing with things as they came up, giving the two of you a chance to actively be improving things. It also feels really mean to tell you that she wants to act like you never existed. You were an important part of her life for a long time. To act like you weren't feels disrespectful to you and what you had. I don't imagine you did anything harmful enough to her to warrant that kind of reaction. And she does this with everyone. It actually feels like she has an unhealthy way of handling her emotions, burying them or putting them to the side and pretending they never existed.

    I say this because I don't think you should be putting the blame all on you. Yes, I'm sure you could have done some things different. Learn from that. But realize that she played a part in this too. It's fine to still have feelings for her, put realize she has faults and that you shouldn't be the only one to feel guilty. This is probably a good thing as someone better suited for you is out there.

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    Member theoutsider's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ShySoul
    I would question wanting to be with someone who actually seems very cold towards you. Why did she wait until breaking up with you to tell you all the problems she was having with the relationship? That only caused her to build anger and resentment until she couldn't take it anymore. If she had really wanted things to work, she should have been dealing with things as they came up, giving the two of you a chance to actively be improving things. It also feels really mean to tell you that she wants to act like you never existed. You were an important part of her life for a long time. To act like you weren't feels disrespectful to you and what you had. I don't imagine you did anything harmful enough to her to warrant that kind of reaction. And she does this with everyone. It actually feels like she has an unhealthy way of handling her emotions, burying them or putting them to the side and pretending they never existed.

    I say this because I don't think you should be putting the blame all on you. Yes, I'm sure you could have done some things different. Learn from that. But realize that she played a part in this too. It's fine to still have feelings for her, put realize she has faults and that you shouldn't be the only one to feel guilty. This is probably a good thing as someone better suited for you is out there.
    Good morning, ShySoul. Maybe I expressed myself badly, sorry about that. She never acted coldly towards me (or negligent). It has always helped me, and it has been there for me.

    However, from what she said after the breakup, I was negligent with her on certain occasions (don't get me wrong, Iím a good person, I believe I supported her and gave my best, but, due to the history of past relationships I had, I was afraid to "donate 100%" and get hurt).

    If she said that to me before finishing, obviously I would try to improve: I like her very much. But at the same time, With the start of the pandemic, we were away from each other (different cities) for a long time, from March to the BU, in June, and we are still away haha), and I believe that she planned to end at some point in this period. Our only chat contact, so, well, that's how it happened.

    This is funny. As I said earlier, she doesn't have any contact with exes, but for some reason I don't remember, we stayed chatting daily after the BU from June until early September. As much as I believed it was correct (I was without confidence in myself at that moment) and I pushed it away. So I can say that, in a way, I "begged" during some occasions in September / October, when we stopped talking to each other entirely and, in fact, it became an end. I don't say that we argued, but, as I said up there, she was not at all receptive, saying that we will not be together anymore and that there is nothing to do. So, I didn't speak to her anymore (5D of NC today).

    Our relationship lasted a year and a half, and honestly, I have a certain "fear" that she will hate me for the way I acted after the breakup. I will seek to improve my attributes, for myself. And, if it is to be, it will be. But, certainly, it won't be now or in the next two months, as we will only see each other face to face (not that it means anything, maybe we won't even get to talk more) next year.

    If you ask me ...

    • Are you afraid that she hates you now? Yes I am.
    • Are you afraid she'll forget you? Yes I am.
    • Are you afraid she'll find someone? Yes I am.
    • Are you afraid that the two of you will never come back? Yes I am.
    • Are you afraid that, in a way, you ruined everything by begging? Yes I am.


    To be honest, I created this profile to try, somehow, to have some kind of hope. But, whether I'm afraid or not, if I want to have just one chance to make things work again, I have to work on myself. And, if they don't work, it won't have been wasted time.

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