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Thread: At a loss

  1. #1
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    At a loss

    Greetings, enotaloners!

    This is the first time Im gathering up the courage to post a message in here, although, like so many of us, Ive been lurking around for ages, parsing through topics and messages and soaking up the wisdom you beautiful people are always kind enough to share. I must admit there have been many dark moments in my life over the years when the enotalone forum was a virtual lifeline keeping me afloat.

    The issue that brought me here today is probably as trivial and clich as it can get. But for some reason, its starting to get the better of me, and clouding my judgement.

    To the point, I met a man a few months ago, and spent three months dating. Things seemed to go smoothly, with him giving me all the signals that he was interested in exploring a committed relationship with me and dropping hints of it heading in that direction.

    When we began dating, he mentioned his connection to a woman hed known for two decades and with whom hed been romantically and sexually involved for brief periods, with an attempt at a relationship over ten years ago, and the most recent hookup two years ago. Apparently theyve been keeping in touch on a (not so) regular basis, touching base every few weeks (or perhaps months). Recently (- the past few weeks, Id say), the communication increased to almost daily.

    A week ago, we decided to become a couple, and he seemed quite enthusiastic for a few days, only to notice the communication dropping to a few short texts a day (if any) afterwards.

    We normally spend time together on the weekends, but this time I had to reach out and ask him to confirm. We saw each other and things seemed alright. At some point he handed me his phone to read a conversation between him and one of his male friends, and out of curiosity, I also opened the conversation with his old flame (I know it was private and shouldve stayed so, but hed never had a problem sharing such details with me before). And there he was, trying to plan online activities with her on that very Saturday.

    So naturally I wondered if hes in fact prioritizing her over us and started asking questions. The answers that followed left me shellshocked and unable to think straight, to be perfectly honest. He claimed that he is indeed committed to us, but made it perfectly clear that he would never let her go completely, that shell always be in his life in one capacity or the other, that right now shes just a friend, but they do intend to meet up sometime in the near future (she lives in a different city) and if the spark is still there, he would most definitely sacrifice us to be with her.

    The only thing hes apparently not sure about is whether there would be any mutual attraction when they do reunite. He claims hes hoping wed be stable enough by then to only see her as a friend.

    He expressed his point of view quite bluntly, which is something to be appreciated, I guess, but practically putting the ball in my court to decide whether Im willing to risk it all knowing that everything can fall apart at a drop of a hat.

    So I guess Im looking for an input from those of you who mightve gone through something similar. Am I being foolish to want to keep it going? Is this a done deal already? Am I making too much of it? Can this still have a chance? Is it still worth pursuing?
    Any input would be helpful.

    Thank you for taking the time to read, and please go easy on me. I feel like the rug was just pulled from under me... Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #2
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    I wouldn't invest anymore time in this dude. He seems way more interested in the "other woman" than in making things happen with you and at the same time wanting you to hang around while he makes up his mind. Ugh. I'd dump him so fast he wouldn't know what happened. You can do way better (imo).

  3. #3
    Platinum Member SooSad33's Avatar
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    but made it perfectly clear that he would never let her go completely, that shell always be in his life in one capacity or the other, that right now shes just a friend, but they do intend to meet up sometime in the near future (she lives in a different city) and if the spark is still there, he would most definitely sacrifice us to be with her.
    - This says enough... respect yourself.. walk away & let him go.

    You will be nothing but hurt & messed.. He is still wanting her. :/

  4. #4
    Gold Member ShySoul's Avatar
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    If he was saying she would only be in his life as a friend, then I would say yes, you should continue to see him. It's perfectly fine to continue being friends with an ex. However, the part you should be concerned about is that he admitted to being willing to sacrifice the two of you for her. He has never got over her and they seem to fall back into each other when they want to. Unless you're willing to take the risk of it happening, or think some kind of polyamory relationship could be arranged, I wouldn't do it. He should be willing to commit 100% to you and be strong enough to turn the other women down. Just because they are fine with an on and off relationship, doesn't mean you should get dragged into the middle of it. You should be the first priority, not second place while he is waiting for someone to come back to him again.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    He basically told you you'll be a space filler until which time he wants to revisit a relationship with someone else.

    Gotta hand it him. That takes incredible nerve to say that to your face.

    As surprising as that statement is, it's equally surprising that youre wondering what your odds are if you stuck around.

    Personally I would have done a 180 and walked away laughing at his absurdity.

    I think your heart is overriding your head on this one.
    Believe you deserve better.

  7. #6
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    No way would I continue seeing this guy.

    He still wants her and hes letting you know that you are essentially just a place-holder while they decide if they want to date again. He doesnt take your relationship seriously, OP.

    Next.

  8. #7
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    Thank you guys for your answers! Theyre all just as insightful and helpful as always (and, quite expectedly, echoing exactly what my closest friends had to say on the matter).

    I spent my day yesterday feeling too physically sick to be able to function properly and engaging in a back and forth texting with him where he basically reiterated that hed never let go of the idea of the two of them together, which means that he can only see us as temporary, while adding in the same breath that he sees the long-term potential for us and is willing to pursue it (!).

    From what hes told me, this woman has been drifting in and out of his life regularly for more than a decade now, with things always going sour pretty fast before shed make a quick exit, which I assume is what makes her so appealing. She seems to be the one who always gets away, always out of reach but never completely off his radar.

    I too was once in his shoes, harboring feelings for a former partner and watching them morph into some sort of a bittersweet sick obsession for an idealized potential while the actual incompatibilities seemed to just magically fade away (only to return once we were trying to give it another go). I carried that fantasy into a committed relationship and watched it become less and less potent as the relationship was unfolding and the reality of a loving, caring partner was slowly replacing the longing for an abusive man whod always had a foot out the door.

    Im wondering if I could just let things happen for now and see where that goes. I guess Id have my answer soon enough anyway...

  9. #8
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Ohhh, I see. He's in love with her, wanting her, but not sure if she feels the same. So for the time being, he will keep you around to keep his bed warm but will toss you if she decides she wants him.

    Give him the boot, walk away and don't ever look back. You deserve so much more and don't ever allow any man to ever place you second to someone else.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Im wondering if I could just let things happen for now and see where that goes. I guess Id have my answer soon enough anyway...
    Ah Anne, he doesn't deserve you. I agree with reinvent...you're letting your heart override your head. He won't ever love you, the way he does her.

    He's already treating you badly by placing you second to this woman and spending time with her, in hopes that she will come back to him in a romantic way.

    There are millions of other men on this planet. Don't do this to yourself. Tell him politely that you've decided to not continue on and that you deserve better than being second and then kindly leave.

    It doesn't need to be a huge drama, but don't let him speak to you this way and then continue hanging around. It's humiliating and you don't deserve it.

  11. #10
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    Thatd be the healthiest thing to do, I wholeheartedly admit it, Sherry. But for some reason, I cant help thinking that whatever hes feeling for her is just an outworn and outdated fantasy hed indulged in throughout the years to keep him going while things werent looking great for him and he was missing the companionship and the benefits of being in a stable relationship.
    But perhaps Im wrong.

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