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Thread: At a loss

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by maritalbliss86
    When I was dating (lol which was a very long time ago) I was too far on the, "end things too fast," spectrum. With my husband he had to help me realize you don't always have to throw something away.

    But really... the longer you stay with a guy who isn't right for you (and wants you as much as you want him) that's time you're delaying where you could be much happier with someone else (and creating a life with them). I didn't figure that out until my husband showed me that.
    You're right! If he were indeed committed to us, he wouldn't even entertain the possibility of revisiting a past relationship, much less being so matter-of-factly about losing me in the process. Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #22
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Sherry, you're describing that moment so accurately! That's exactly what it felt like... Watching it all crumble before my eyes, knowing that wherever it was going from there, it'd never be as innocent and pure as before.
    Of course, anyone being in that moment would have had all of their hopes and dreams end right there. It was truly a deeply disappointing, if not heart breaking moment.
    He took the possible love you two may have had and tossed it aside, so recklessly and so carelessly because he would rather place all his stakes on this silly fantasy that he's made somewhat obsessive, being as it's lasted for years.

    It's not something you can fix, the best you can do, is to get away from it and find a man who is truly single and only for you.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by AnneMarie9
    Sherry, you're describing that moment so accurately! That's exactly what it felt like... Watching it all crumble before my eyes, knowing that wherever it was going from there, it'd never be as innocent and pure as before.
    The problem with that notion is that it's never been innocent and pure. You just didn't know that until very recently.

    He's been harbouring these feelings for a long time, including when he began dating you. You might have thought it was innocent and pure, but that was really only because you didn't know what was really going on in his mind with this other woman.

    As such, it wouldn't make sense to keep this going or just give him space. You two don't have the foundation to build on because his heart and mind have never been totally with you. He's holding out for her. This is a dead-end, AnneMarie.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    When you are forewarned that he's on/ off with this FWB, it's time to cut your loses
    "Hinting" at wanting a committed relationship is string along talk.

    Forget about being in their triangle. Cut your loses. 12 weeks is enough time to get to know someone and what you know is that he's playing you.

    If you stay and hope to recover your time invested, unfortunately you're in for a lot of heartaches.
    Thanks, Wiseman!
    I just figured that deciding to be a couple and making that commitment (at least verbally) was a clear sign that he was prioritizing us. Apparently that wasn't quite the case.
    He seems to want the commitment and the exclusivity, while holding onto his fantasy (and onto the hope that it'd one day materialize).

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  6. #25
    Member maritalbliss86's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    He took the possible love you two may have had and tossed it aside, so recklessly and so carelessly because he would rather place all his stakes on this silly fantasy that he's made somewhat obsessive, being as it's lasted for years.

    It's not something you can fix, the best you can do, is to get away from it and find a man who is truly single and only for you.
    Sherry's right. this is the way he is messing up his own life . And he may come back into your life expressing regret about it later on (years down the line). But moving on and finding someone who loves you and only you now is the best thing.

    Men like this are super annoying to me because there's the danger he really may try to come back into your life years later (expressing the regret about his stupidity now) and even him contacting you then, while you're possibly married or in a serious relationship, will slightly threaten and endanger that relationship. Ick! Be ready though if that happens and best thing is to not reply.

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    The problem with that notion is that it's never been innocent and pure. You just didn't know that until very recently.

    He's been harbouring these feelings for a long time, including when he began dating you. You might have thought it was innocent and pure, but that was really only because you didn't know what was really going on in his mind with this other woman.

    As such, it wouldn't make sense to keep this going or just give him space. You two don't have the foundation to build on because his heart and mind have never been totally with you. He's holding out for her. This is a dead-end, AnneMarie.
    Thanks, MissCanuck!

    You're spot on about it!
    He had preemptively warned me about her right from the start, but rather painting a picture of them having ceased all communication, and not particularly eager to reconnect, at least not any time soon. And advertising himself as ready and emotionally available to start anew. Only to change that version to them being in contact monthly, then weekly, and now daily...

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by maritalbliss86
    Sherry's right. this is the way he is messing up his own life . And he may come back into your life expressing regret about it later on (years down the line). But moving on and finding someone who loves you and only you now is the best thing.

    Men like this are super annoying to me because there's the danger he really may try to come back into your life years later (expressing the regret about his stupidity now) and even him contacting you then, while you're possibly married or in a serious relationship, will slightly threaten and endanger that relationship. Ick! Be ready though if that happens and best thing is to not reply.
    Funny you mentioned that! That's pretty much how it went with this woman when they were together. He was seeing her and another girl simultaneously at the time, and decided to drop her all of a sudden, only to regret it years down the line and convincing her to give it another go. Perhaps there's a pattern there...

  9. #28
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Perhaps there's a pattern there...
    Definitely a pattern. He has turned his feelings for her, into a somewhat obsession and he's destroying potentially great relationships over her.

    He won't ever stop, which is why he's being so adamant with you. He doesn't want to stop. All you can do is walk away from this mess.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Yes, that of a player.
    Originally Posted by AnneMarie9
    Perhaps there's a pattern there...

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    Definitely a pattern. He has turned his feelings for her, into a somewhat obsession and he's destroying potentially great relationships over her.

    He won't ever stop, which is why he's being so adamant with you. He doesn't want to stop. All you can do is walk away from this mess.
    The funny thing is he still claims to want a long-term committed relationship. While blatantly not emotionally available to sustain one. I guess that's either wishful thinking or just an elaborate, sophisticated way of attracting and keeping the little distraction he needs along the way. But I'm digressing... Overanalyzing his reasons won't help me much now.

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