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Thread: Am I emotionally unavailable?

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Sep 2009

    Am I emotionally unavailable?

    I thought I used to be loving and emotionally available. But lately I feel like I changed so much I don't even resemble the person I used to be. I don't know what happened to me. I've been through trauma but I moved on. I find that I don't feel much for the world or people. I try to be a good person, but I don't care emotionally. I don't feel connected and I don't want to be.

    Is it possible to become emotionally unavailable later in adult life due to life's circumstances? I'm just so disappointed that nothing in my life turned out the way I hoped. I almost became cynical in a way. I see people who have what I wanted and I'm glad for them, I guess they had more luck.
    Can I fix my current state of mind? Does emotionally unavailability comes from childhood only?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Cloud Nine
    Sorry to hear that. It sounds like you are numb and shut down and withdrawing. See a doctor to evaluate your moods and feelings.

    You also need to extricate yourself from this untenable situation.
    [Register to see the link]

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Maybe you need to focus on yourself and figure out what kind of things do spark you. Maybe you've outgrown your situation, that boyfriend, some friends and its just not pleasant for you.

    I think we are all responsible for our own happiness etc. But maybe the people around you aren't the right ones. And of course therapy is an option. Its cant hurt to have someone to talk to that is focused on you and for your benefit.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Ontario Canada
    What Lambert said. I am fairly cynical, and I didn't use to be that way. It doesn't bother me or affect my life. I think I'm old enough now to know what works for me and what doesn't and I live the life I mostly want to live.

    Work on yourself, seek therapy if you feel you need it.


  6. #5
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    New Jersey
    Originally Posted by foolsinlove
    I don't feel connected and I don't want to be.

    Can I fix my current state of mind?
    The key word in your statement is 'want'.

    You cannot change what you don't want to change.

    Yes, it's true that our experiences and our reactions to them can shape us at any point in our lifetime.

    This doesn't mean we're powerless over outcomes, just the opposite. We each choose whether we'll view our experiences as reasons to withdraw our investment in others, or whether we'll view our resilience as an ability to better invest in others--with confidence that we've learned how to select better people in whom to invest as we move forward.

    So if you want to change your vision, start with the choice you've made to view 'all people' through the same lens through which you've viewed the ones who've harmed you.

    Either you'll WANT to challenge your assumptions and learn how to change those, or you won't. But for accuracy, don't tell yourself that you "can't," because that strips yourself of the ability to choose. That's never a beneficial starting point for learning.

  7. #6
    Join Date
    Apr 2018
    Hi- Iím so sorry to hear this. I hope you can check with your doctor to help you with your feelings right now and you will get the help you need.

    Thank you for sharing. Feel free to post anytime. We are here for each other. Praying for you that all will be well with you.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Surrey BC, Canada
    It's not about luck...it's about attitude and applying yourself. Those people have failed at things in their life but rather not join the pitty party and whine about it...they just accepted the challenges that faced them and tried harder.

    Follow this: grant me the serenity
    to accept the things I cannot change,
    the courage to change the things I can,
    and the wisdom to know the difference.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Are you still with that using loser?

  10. #9
    Platinum Member SooSad33's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    No, being emotionally unavailable does not just stem from childhood.
    Many can become as you are from so many negative experiences.

    I think you need some real 'down time' to work on yourself. Take care of ONLY you. No expectations.

    Yeah, life can change us, sadly :/.

    Have you had any prof help at all? I found some good, ongoing therapy helped me along a few times.
    But, I know, I just dont have it in me anymore -to be involved again, get hurt again, etc.

    Just not for me. But I am okay with that.. i have some family & friends I deal with.

  11. #10
    Gold Member ShySoul's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Where love guides our hearts and actions
    We are the product of all our experiences in life, good and bad, from childhood to the present. If you have gone through something traumatic, or have had to endure a steady stream of bad circumstances, it's understandable that you would fell like giving in. It's easy to become jaded or cynical. You just want to stop caring. You build a wall around yourself to protect yourself from the hurt you feel is inevitable. It's a means of protection and coping. If you never get close or too connected, you never get hurt. You can be glad for others, but a part of you is resentful. Or you dismiss it as not likely to work out. What you end up doing is blocking yourself from all the joy there is. You basically condemn yourself to how you feel now, empty.

    But it doesn't have to stay like that. Anyone can turn there life around if they really want it and put in the effort. It may be a struggle at times, but it is possible. Just by posting you've shown that you want to be different, so I know you can. If you want to be emotionally available to others, it starts with being available to yourself. When I've felt like giving up on the world, I had to remind myself of who I am and my values. I had to figure out what will make me happy, so that I am better prepared to connect with others. When I've been hurt, depressed, angry ... that tends to end up directed at others. But when I've felt optimistic and happy, I end up noticing the good things around me more and wanting to be a part of it. Take some time to reflect on yourself and what will make you happy.


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