Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 18

Thread: My best friends brother...

  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2020
    Posts
    8
    Gender
    Male

    My best friends brother...

    This is my first post. I'm experiencing two dilemmas right now. I've been feeling very alone lately as I feel I can't speak to my friends about something that has been happening to me. I'm in my early 20's and I've never had a boyfriend. I was always very scared and didn't feel it was necessary to date or do sexual stuff. I used to wonder if I was asexual. Recently my best friends brother has been reaching out to me. He is in his late 20's and several years older than me. We have a few things in common and I really enjoy talking with him. He started flirting with me hard core one day and I decided to tell my best friend out of respect that it was happening. She already knew because of her brother and was waiting for me to reach out to her about it. I wasn't interested in doing anything non-platonic with her brother. I told her and her brother this. She's the type to joke around, so she was laughing about how we were flirting together, but at the same time, she didn't seem to really want us to do anything together. It was very hard for me to read how she truly felt about the situation. She told her brother that the age gap was weird, but she never mentioned any of this to me. She said that if I really wanted a one night stand, her brother would probably be down. This was brought up because I was explaining to her how I never really felt the urge to sleep with someone and I was beginning to think I just needed to get it over with.

    Her bother and I started hanging out (which she was aware of). One day we started fooling around and he said he wanted to sleep with me. He ended up taking my virginity. Now we hang out about once a week and talk daily. I feel extreme guilt because I never told my friend about this and it's been weeks. He told me that it's none of her business and that she doesn't need to know but I feel like keeping it a secret is bad. I also can see why he would say that though, because a persons sex life can be very private. I want to tell her, but she is really my best friend and I'm terrified to lose her.

    My second dilemma is revolving around her brother. Like I mentioned, I've never dated before. I've never once looked at someone and said "wow, I want to be with that person." But something has changed. I realize looking back before the flirting, that I had the smallest crush on him but I refused to acknowledge it. Now that we have been hanging out and sleeping together, I just want to be with him all the time. He is a pretty lowkey dude and I am using all of my self control to not come off as a clingy child. I'm kind of bad at reading social cues, especially when it comes to flirting and relationships. I can't tell if he actually likes me or if he just wants to sleep with me. I feel that he does like me because when we talk, 90% of the time it is non-sexual and about the things we like or daily stuff, like work. I've never experienced the feelings that I'm feeling right now which makes this even more confusing. The other night, I stayed over his house. We spent the whole night having sex and cuddling and I felt so happy and safe. I realize that it's not love and that I may just be feeling high from the dopamine in my brain but I truly don't know how to process these feelings or how to know if he wants to date. I know it's too early for the "what are we question" as it's only been about a month and a half since we started hanging out. I feel kind of stupid feeling this way too. I think it stems from my fear of relationships. It just seems silly to feel this worked up over a guy.

    Anyway please go easy on me. I know I need to tell my friend. I'm just terrified. And I realize that I probably should not have slept with him so early on, but I wasn't expecting to catch feelings for him. When I told my friend I wasn't interested in sleeping with him, I truly meant it. But when the proposition was brought up it just felt right, and so far, I do not regret it. Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #2
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Posts
    7,163
    He's right, it's not your friends business. I'm not sure why you feel such a need to disclose such personal information to her. It's one thing to share crushes or if you had a bad day, etc, but it's no ones right, (not even a best friend) to hear about what you do sexually and with whom.

    I'm also wondering why it is you think that it's okay to have a man take your virginity, but it's not okay to talk to him about your feelings or ask him where it might be going.
    You don't need to be clingy about it , or demanding. But it does make sense to actually talk to him and be on the same page.
    If you can't talk about sex with him or what it means, then perhaps that's a sign that you shouldn't be doing it, after all, it's your body and you have a right to know where you two are headed.

    I know this is all new to you and you're unsure of yourself, but truly, you don't need to be sharing sexual secrets with your friend (even if it's her brother).

  3. #3
    Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2020
    Posts
    8
    Gender
    Male
    Thank you for the response. I guess I feel the need to tell her because she brings it up all the time. She wants to know if its happening and I feel like keeping it a secret is lying. Also whenever we have girls night with our other friends, all they talk about is sex. I don't have an issue with it, but I feel like they're so open about it, they expect me to be too. I really wouldn't have an issue being open about it, if it wasn't for the fact that it's her brother.

    When it comes to talking to him about my feelings, I guess I'm just afraid. I'm the type to bottle things up because I feel like I'm bothering people by opening up. Part of me is afraid he's going to laugh in my face about the idea of dating (though I know that won't happen). I want to talk to him and see if we're on the same page, but I don't know what to say or how to do it.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Posts
    7,163
    I am guessing you're all still young. I only say that because women don't discuss sex like that, at least not typically.

    It's somewhat odd that she keeps asking too. It really isn't her business.

    Before you mention anything to him, do you want to date? Or are you okay with a casual relationship that is mainly sexual? Also, are you making sure that you're using protection of some kind?

    If he is any kind of decent man, he won't laugh in your face. It should be okay to discuss what's going on between you. It's not weird or abnormal, most people who start a sexual relationship want to know where it's headed or what it means...that's perfectly normal.

    Next time you're alone, I would start off by telling him that you enjoy spending time with him and was wondering if he was happy with things being casual or if he ever considered dating.

    It's a reasonable question.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Posts
    7,163
    I'm trying to get into the mindset of when I was your age. I know that friends can be nosey about what's going on between you and someone, especially if it's a brother.
    Maybe she even finds it somewhat exciting because she knows and cares about both of you.

    The thing is though, it will get awkward. If you tell her, she will press you for more details, and there's a good chance she will get upset if you don't tell her or don't continue to answer her questions. The brother will also feel annoyed that his sister now knows his business, as no doubt she will ask him about it too now or tease him, etc.
    It really is opening a box you might not want open after all.

    I mean, this is a personal situation between you and he, and it's also not right including the sister, you know? It will get all kinds of awkward and strange.
    Granted she's your best friend, but this is also why dating a best friends brother, can get complicated.

    For the time being, just tell her you don't want to discuss things, if she keeps pressing, then tell her outright that it's awkward for you to be seeing him and telling her and you hope she understands if you don't talk about what goes on in the bedroom.

    If she's truly your friend and respects your friendship, she shouldn't get mad.

  7. #6
    Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2020
    Posts
    8
    Gender
    Male
    I'm 21 and my friends are 23-25. They're a very rowdy bunch and I think they just find it funny to be vulgar and talk about these things in a ridiculous amount of detail. They don't find it weird or unusual. I think she's just a nosey person in general. If she wants to find something out, she will. I've watched her play detective hundreds of times, which is why I think I feel so nervous about my situation. If she's going to find out, I would want it to be from me then someone else. I don't want her to accuse me of sneaking around.

    I am interested in dating, but I think I would still be interested in having a casual relationship if he declined dating. I don't know if that would be a good idea or not though. I think I would feel sad if I found out he was sleeping around, but I realize that's out of my control if we're not dating. And I don't believe he would laugh in my face. My anxiety is just telling me he would because he may not see anything in me aside from sex.

    I'm trying to figure out when he wants to hang out again and then I think I'll try to bring it up if the timing feels right.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Posts
    7,163
    Oh my, ...sneaking around? She sounds, erm...somewhat pushy. I don't like pushy people. Despite what she thinks, it's still not her business. I imagine that if she continues getting into people's business like this, someone, at some point, is going to set her straight as most people don't appreciate overbearing or nosey people.

    Do you feel you relate to your friends in how they are? Do you think it's possible that maybe you and they aren't compatible in some areas?

    Once again, with the situation concerning the brother. You could be getting yourself further into a situation where you might potentially get hurt.
    Just say for instance that you do ask about dating, and he declines. So you agree to keep it casual. If you're starting to have feelings for him, it will get harder and harder to deny those feelings. And it's perfectly normal as well to become emotionally attached to him. Not only did he take your virginity, but you're both spending time together and sharing intimacy.
    Tread carefully and protect your heart.

    I would advise to ask when you feel the time is right, if he ever considered dating or if he prefers to keep things casual.
    If he says he prefers to keep it casual, then it truly is up to you whether you're willing to risk your heart, or not.
    Bring it up when you're ready and feel okay about it.
    Try to be confident about it. I am certain you have a lot to offer someone in terms of dating, so don't sell yourself short.
    Last edited by SherrySher; 10-10-2020 at 06:02 AM.

  9. #8
    Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2020
    Posts
    8
    Gender
    Male
    I realize that getting involved with my friends brother could potentially cause things to be awkward. I knew this going in to it and I still chose to do it. I'll just have to accept the consequences if they should arise. I also worry about how he would feel if she found out because he really doesn't seem to want her involved. But she has been persistently asking the both of us about it. The other day I went to their parents house for a BBQ and she was dropping little jokes and watched us whenever she left a room. We were trying so hard to not look suspicious because it was not the time nor the place for that conversation. She said that I'm just a child and that he shouldn't be acting creepy towards me. I always say that he's not being creepy. I think her main issue is the age difference. He is 7 years older than me, so I can understand the concern but at the same time, I'm not a child. By her making comments like that, all it does is make things feel awkward between the two of us(myself and him). I think she may be jealous that he's talking to me so much too. She said she's barely heard from him and that I'm a "brother stealer". She said it jokingly but I wonder if she really meant it as a joke. When I told him this, he just laughed it off and said she'll get over it. His response to her is that it is none of her business but I think that just makes her more curious. I don't understand why she is so obsessed either.

    I think that when she brings it up again, I will try saying what you suggested. That I'm not interested in discussing these things with her. Really, thank you for the advice. I'm feeling a lot better now that I've been able to vent a little. This really has been stressful for me, even if it's not that big of a deal.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    40,398
    Gender
    Male
    There's really only one thing going on. Your first dating/sexual experience. If you want to have the exclusive talk, you should.

    Make sure you see your doctor/ clinic for contraception and STD advice.

    Not sure what your friend has to do with this. Even though your new BF is her brother, it may be best to employ some discretion.

    Sooner or later the fact that you are dating will come out, unless you decide you just want hookups and want to keep that private.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Posts
    7,163
    she has been persistently asking the both of us about it
    she was dropping little jokes and watched us whenever she left a room
    I'm just a child and that he shouldn't be acting creepy towards me
    that I'm a "brother stealer"
    None of that is okay.

    She sounds immature to be honest and some of her comments are downright offensive. You're right, you're not a child, you're a grown woman by the age of 21. Even if he is 7 years older than you, you have a right to be with him or date him if you choose to. And no, he's not being a creep.

    She's overstepping her place. I wouldn't cause a war over it, mind you. But I would tell her politely that you're not okay with her making jokes like that or pushing you to discuss things you're not comfortable discussing.

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Videos


Maintaining A Strong Relationship

Detaching From a Malignant Man

Divorced Parents Prefer Technology and Social Media As Communication Tool

Wedding Jitters Could Be a Predictor for a Future Divorce

Botox Fights Depression And Makes You Feel Happier

Men Are More Sensitive than Women when Having Relationship Problems
Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •