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Thread: Is this over?

  1. #1

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    Is this over?

    Okay so me and the girl I thought I was going to marry broke up about 3 weeks ago. We were together about a year. She is 20 and I am 24. We met at church and we both have strong Christian values. We have never done anything sexual with each other and didnít plan on doing so u til marraige.

    Things started off great. But this damn thing called Covid happened and I was basically out of work for 6 months. I was still getting paid but I was just bored. Long story short I basically became very needy and started for attention and validation. I didnít have any relationship with my own family and I was living in a state with none of my family there. My ex is going to school full time, has her own t shirt business, and does little jobs on the side. Basically with my neediness I put a lot of emotional baggage on her. The relationship was still going good as I remember in June she told me her whole family thought we were going to stay together forever. We talk on the phone every night as well.

    In July I noticed her becoming very distant and hot/cold with her behavior. One minute she was great next minute she would show extreme frustration with me (and only me).

    Finally in August I asked her what was wrong. She told me that she had lost some romantic feels for me and she needed space. She told me not to worry about it though because she still saw a future between us. The Next two weeks were still kind of normal. I cut down my contact with her but she would still invite me over. She would even cook me dinner. We still went out on a date and we even went two a couple of her family functions together.

    Of coarse me being a dumb when she told me she lost feelings for me my anxiety kicked in and I became even more needy and clingy. I would basically tell her that Iím trying to change and begging her not to leave. Then one night she didnít text me back and I flipped out.

    This added even more stress on her and she dumped me about 3 weeks later. Now I did the usual begging and pleading the day she broke up with me which made her very cold. She offered to stay as friends but I declined because my feelings are too strong. I went into no contact two days after the break up. After the first week of the breakup I wrote her an accountability letter saying that i take ownership of the things I did wrong (my neediness)

    I did not talk to her for 14 days I broke no contact and basically tried telling her that Iím trying to change. Which to my credit I am. I have lost 20 pounds, started therapy, begin reading the Bible to become a deacon in my church, back to work 6 days a week, and reconciled with my family. She basically said ďI know you to well. You Will still be clingy if we got back together and there is no stoping that.Ē She then proceeded to tell me that she has moved on and wants to be alone for a while (Iím 90% positive when I say I believe she wants to stay single and not date other guys but hey I could be wrong). She said there was no chance in us getting back together. Now I think she was acting more out of anger because she is trying to drive the point for me to leave her alone

    Now I truly believe she still has feelings for me. I say this because:
    A) Three weeks before breaking up she said she saw a future
    B) Whenever I reach out she responds immediately(coldly)
    C) I believe she truly didnít want the breakup but with my clingy and neediness, I basically forced her too.
    D) I had a very strong relationship with her family
    E) She was treating me very well even when she express her doubts

    Now I sincerely believe that I have a high chance of things working out. I know right now she is very stressed and I need to give her, her space. What do yíall think? Is th8/ relationship worth saving?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member SooSad33's Avatar
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    She told me that she had lost some romantic feels for me and she needed space. She told me not to worry about it though because she still saw a future between us.- Yah that's an ouch :/.

    I would basically tell her that Iím trying to change and begging her not to leave. Then one night she didnít text me back and I flipped out.
    - Flipping out - loss of control.. yes, can cause issue's even more.
    - told her you are trying to change? Change what..Your neediness?

    14 days break is nothing.. feelings or none are still the same.

    Now I sincerely believe that I have a high chance of things working out.
    - I think this is what you are missing..
    >>> " She basically said ďI know you to well. You Will still be clingy if we got back together and there is no stopping that.Ē She then proceeded to tell me that she has moved on and wants to be alone for a while . She said there was no chance in us getting back together.

    - Therefore, I do not believe you will be getting back together. YOU are in denial.. but read what you've explained.

    She has been trying to explain herself to you.

    Now you need to work on accepting and leave her be.. accept & Heal from this rough experience.

    Sorry for your pains :/

  3. #3
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I'm sorry you're going through a hard time, heartache is never good.

    I think just by reading what you wrote, that she's being honest...she feels it's over.

    Just say there is a tiny chance of it ever working out again, it would have to be long into the future, like months and months of no contact and you going on with your life and not waiting around for her.
    Only then it might be possible if you and she happened to run into each other again.

    But for the time being, if I'm honest, it doesn't sound good and I think you'd do well to accept that it's over.

  4. #4
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by BigDog97
    She then proceeded to tell me that she has moved on and wants to be alone for a while. She said there was no chance in us getting back together. Now I think she was acting more out of anger because she is trying to drive the point for me to leave her alone

    Now I truly believe she still has feelings for me. I say this because:

    B) Whenever I reach out she responds immediately(coldly)


    What do yíall think?
    I think that none of the above says that she still has feelings for you. She sounds really frustrated with you. She's trying real hard to let you know that it's over and she's NOT interested in saving anything or getting back together again. I'm sorry you're hurting but you're in serious denial. You need to learn to accept this and respect her wishes. Learn from your mistakes so that it doesn't carry forward into the next relationship.

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  6. #5
    Gold Member Spawn's Avatar
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    it's not about you but about her..she could have her own issues to deal with.
    If she is not sharing that with you and needs to break things up to sort it let her go, the best thing you can do now is move on from this, take care of yourself, there would be something you wanted to personally achieve that might have taken a back seat for a while. Try to complete that and also take up new goals and become a new better version of current you.
    In few months, may be years from now you will be proud of what you did with your life rather than dwell in the past and that achievement my friend will be priceless.

  7. #6
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    I'm sorry, OP.

    She is being honest that she doesn't feel the same way anymore, and her distant behaviour prior to the break-up supports that. Yes, she is responding out of anger now because she is frustrated that you don't seem to be listening to her and she wants you to leave her be.

    Believe when she says she's done. I don't see where she still has feelings for you, though I understand why you want that to be true. However, I believe you are mistaken, unforunately.

  8. #7
    Originally Posted by BigDog97
    Okay so me and the girl I thought I was going to marry broke up about 3 weeks ago. We were together about a year. She is 20 and I am 24. We met at church and we both have strong Christian values. We have never done anything sexual with each other and didnít plan on doing so u til marraige.

    Things started off great. But this damn thing called Covid happened and I was basically out of work for 6 months. I was still getting paid but I was just bored. Long story short I basically became very needy and started for attention and validation. I didnít have any relationship with my own family and I was living in a state with none of my family there. My ex is going to school full time, has her own t shirt business, and does little jobs on the side. Basically with my neediness I put a lot of emotional baggage on her. The relationship was still going good as I remember in June she told me her whole family thought we were going to stay together forever. We talk on the phone every night as well.

    In July I noticed her becoming very distant and hot/cold with her behavior. One minute she was great next minute she would show extreme frustration with me (and only me).

    Finally in August I asked her what was wrong. She told me that she had lost some romantic feels for me and she needed space. She told me not to worry about it though because she still saw a future between us. The Next two weeks were still kind of normal. I cut down my contact with her but she would still invite me over. She would even cook me dinner. We still went out on a date and we even went two a couple of her family functions together.

    Of coarse me being a dumb when she told me she lost feelings for me my anxiety kicked in and I became even more needy and clingy. I would basically tell her that Iím trying to change and begging her not to leave. Then one night she didnít text me back and I flipped out.

    This added even more stress on her and she dumped me about 3 weeks later. Now I did the usual begging and pleading the day she broke up with me which made her very cold. She offered to stay as friends but I declined because my feelings are too strong. I went into no contact two days after the break up. After the first week of the breakup I wrote her an accountability letter saying that i take ownership of the things I did wrong (my neediness)

    I did not talk to her for 14 days I broke no contact and basically tried telling her that Iím trying to change. Which to my credit I am. I have lost 20 pounds, started therapy, begin reading the Bible to become a deacon in my church, back to work 6 days a week, and reconciled with my family. She basically said ďI know you to well. You Will still be clingy if we got back together and there is no stoping that.Ē She then proceeded to tell me that she has moved on and wants to be alone for a while (Iím 90% positive when I say I believe she wants to stay single and not date other guys but hey I could be wrong). She said there was no chance in us getting back together. Now I think she was acting more out of anger because she is trying to drive the point for me to leave her alone

    Now I truly believe she still has feelings for me. I say this because:
    A) Three weeks before breaking up she said she saw a future
    B) Whenever I reach out she responds immediately(coldly)
    C) I believe she truly didnít want the breakup but with my clingy and neediness, I basically forced her too.
    D) I had a very strong relationship with her family
    E) She was treating me very well even when she express her doubts

    Now I sincerely believe that I have a high chance of things working out. I know right now she is very stressed and I need to give her, her space. What do yíall think? Is th8/ relationship worth saving?
    If she is truly bored of you and your character , then i dont think there is any chance. Yes maybe she said some harsh things like she moved on and stuff out of anger and the need to leave her alone. But more possible is that she is tired of this relationship. She said she saw a future but she is too young (just 20) , i dont think she really knows what she wants. Clingy behaviors can be very annoying and can make the other lose interest for you very fast. There must always be a balance in the relationship. Giver her some space , stop contancting her , if she misses you she will be back later. Better work on yourself so the next time these things wont happen to you. You are very young and there is a lot of time for you to find true love out there.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear that. Unfortunately it sounds like her family and friends advised her to distance herself from you. She is 20, quite ambitious and industrious.

    Her parents seem to have her back as far as dating red flags go. Possessiveness, controlling behaviors, "flipping out", etc .

    It sounds like you are reading the "get your ex back" sites, thinking no contact is a tool and writing letters about how much you have changed, etc.

    These things only reinforce the decision to end things. If you carefully reflect, you'll see that this has been a long time coming and that she has deliberated over this for a while.

    Your behaviors especially those things you tried from the get your ex back material, became increasingly disconcerting for her and her family.

    The best thing to do is keep improving yourself, but for you.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    As Yoda from Star Wars said, ďDo or do not. There is no try.Ē This quote is a simple lesson in commitment and the power in giving something our all ó not just giving it a try.

    You told her you were trying, but trying isn't the same as doing. You didn't care enough to actually "do," and she didn't care enough to give you more time to prove yourself. You will deny that, but actions or non-action speak louder than words.

    Continue to work on yourself. The one thing you didn't mention was guy friends. Make sure you make and keep efforts to have a support system with friends to be a well-rounded person. She was the sole center of your universe which is smothering. And most people experience many breakups before they find their forever partner. Having a fulfilling life BESIDES having a gf will help you to handle breakups much better when you have other great things going on in your life.

    Go no contact. She's done. And you can't be friends. It will prevent you from closure and neither of your future partners will accept either of you being buddies with an ex.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    No, there is no relationship to save. It's over and you are in denial. Continuing to bother her or think that you can save anything might get you a restraining order and all that you've worked so hard to 'change' about yourself would count for nothing. Leave her alone as much as possible from now onwards and just remain respectful whenever you see her in your mutual circles. It sounds like you might attend the same church. Don't take this as an opportunity to bother her any more.

    Keep your chin up. Things will get better. Keep working on yourself and your future.

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