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Thread: I got ghosted - why?

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I don't think he ghosted you. If a stranger or near stranger love bombs you you can choose to watch the feet -what he does, over a period of time- not what he says when he barely knows you. You made the choice to keep interacting with him. So you weren't passive -you enjoyed it and had fun having sex with him. You were sexually intimate but I don't think the sex obligates him to have a whole discussion with you since you weren't in a serious relationship with him and hadn't decided even to be exclusive. I thought you only went on a couple of dates? I feel like you're seeing yourself as the victim because you regret having sex so soon and without a commitment?
    Where did I say we only went on a couple of dates? We had been seeing each other over a period of several weeks. We did only have sex a couple of times, on different days. Even if we hadn't had sex I would be equally hurt by his behavior. I never said he needed to have some long discussion with me. A simple "Hey, I've been thinking and I'm not feeling this anymore. It's been fun and I wish you the best" would have sufficed.

    Literally no idea where you got any of that from.

    I did enjoy the sex and "love bombing" etc, when his behavior was consistent with it. But to tell someone you really like them for weeks then essentially disappear overnight is not cool. Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by somechick99
    Where did I say we only went on a couple of dates? We had been seeing each other over a period of several weeks. We did only have sex a couple of times, on different days. Even if we hadn't had sex I would be equally hurt by his behavior. I never said he needed to have some long discussion with me. A simple "Hey, I've been thinking and I'm not feeling this anymore. It's been fun and I wish you the best" would have sufficed.

    Literally no idea where you got any of that from.

    I did enjoy the sex and "love bombing" etc, when his behavior was consistent with it. But to tell someone you really like them for weeks then essentially disappear overnight is not cool.
    You wrote a lot of information. I got the impression from what you and others wrote that it was only a few dates. Now I see you had sex soon after you met and continued to date. I'm not sure how you thought his behavior was consistent with his words before you really knew him -a few weeks in and having sex -which can cloud judgment -is not knowing someone over a long period of time to see if words and actions match IMHO. It doesn't sound at all from what you wrote that he disappeared over night. It sounds like he lost interest over a period of time and faded away as far as attention. It sounds like you and he were never exclusive so yes he may have said he really liked you but not enough to want you to be exclusive with him -and it's not clear to me whether you wanted to be exclusive with him.

    Certainly it would have been better form for him to state directly that he didn't plan on seeing you again - but how would that have helped you now? Do you really need to hear the "you're SOOOO amazing but I'm not ready for a relationship (with you) right now?"

    And yes if after a month or more of dating (whether or not there is sex included) he'd simply ignored you and never responded to you again or made a time/place plan with you and not shown up I would agree with you entirely. But that's not what happened. I also get the sense that you're comfy with casual sex - because you agreed to it with him - but it sounds like you think he owed you more "closure" because you were having sex - I'm not quite sure why unless you two needed to talk about a potential pregnancy or something like that -doesn't sound like that was the situation at all.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    You wrote a lot of information. I got the impression from what you and others wrote that it was only a few dates. Now I see you had sex soon after you met and continued to date. I'm not sure how you thought his behavior was consistent with his words before you really knew him -a few weeks in and having sex -which can cloud judgment -is not knowing someone over a long period of time to see if words and actions match IMHO. It doesn't sound at all from what you wrote that he disappeared over night. It sounds like he lost interest over a period of time and faded away as far as attention. It sounds like you and he were never exclusive so yes he may have said he really liked you but not enough to want you to be exclusive with him -and it's not clear to me whether you wanted to be exclusive with him.

    Certainly it would have been better form for him to state directly that he didn't plan on seeing you again - but how would that have helped you now? Do you really need to hear the "you're SOOOO amazing but I'm not ready for a relationship (with you) right now?"

    And yes if after a month or more of dating (whether or not there is sex included) he'd simply ignored you and never responded to you again or made a time/place plan with you and not shown up I would agree with you entirely. But that's not what happened. I also get the sense that you're comfy with casual sex - because you agreed to it with him - but it sounds like you think he owed you more "closure" because you were having sex - I'm not quite sure why unless you two needed to talk about a potential pregnancy or something like that -doesn't sound like that was the situation at all.
    Perhaps I wasn't very clear in my writing about the sequence of things. We were seeing each other for several weeks with just dates, no sex. Then I decided to have sex with him - we had sex a few times spread out over a couple of days. The last day/time we had sex was the same day the fires etc erupted and we had to separate for awhile regardless - he had issues to take care of with the power outage and smoke at his house, I needed to figure out what to do on my end with the air quality etc. His interest had not appeared to decline at this point or even up until about 4-5 days after we had last had sex/hung out.

    His interest declined right after he sent the "acknowledge me :(" texts, followed by me having to leave town. Both those events transpired within 24 hours and in the middle of a statewide emergency, about 4 days after we had last seen each other. He said he would contact me when I got back then never communicated.

    Sex or not, I just think it's poor behavior to knowingly lead someone on then disappear. I never said he needed to tell me I was amazing, it would just be nice if he had the decency to properly break it off versus disappearing. It was my first time having sex in about 8 months and he *claimed* it was his first and only time having sex in over a year - so I wouldn't say I'm "comfortable with casual sex" in the sense you are implying. Regardless it still would have been hurtful for him to disappear.

    Regarding exclusivity - we had not discussed this yet and I never implied I wanted/needed it. This is partly why I was confused by his disappearing. Even if he was seeing someone else, he technically had nothing to hide. Why not just see two people?

  4. #24
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    The way I see it is there is really no point in agonising over the why he did whatever he did because you'll never know. Other than asking him directly. So much time and energy wasted in the constant questioning and wondering and going in circles over something you can't change. It is what it is. Yes it's crappy but agonising about it won't change it. All it does is drive you nuts. Crappy things happen to all of us. It's called life. What's done is done. Let it go already and move on. Really.

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by Capricorn3
    Crappy things happen to all of us. It's called life. What's done is done. Let it go already and move on. Really.
    For me talking about things helps me move on from them. Being able to talk about issues is literally the point of this forum.

  7. #26
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by somechick99
    For me talking about things helps me move on from them. Being able to talk about issues is literally the point of this forum.
    Of course. I'm not saying you shouldn't post. Not at all. I was thinking more in terms of " .... it happened. It was crappy, but I can't change it. Agonising over it only causes more anger and hurt so best to let it go and move on to better things" etc etc. Basically saying, for your own mental health, let it go.

  8. #27
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    I don't think he lead you on at all. I think it's possible you were dishonest with yourself because you got more attached to him because you chose to have sex with him and then chose to believe that his sweet words meant that he wanted to potentially be in a serious relationship with you. He might have seen potential then changed his mind. I don't think he disappeared. He responded just not with what showed interest in seeing you again or being with you potentially in a relationship.

    I agree that too much talking/overanalyzing will have the opposite result. One of the main reasons I was able to continue becoming the right person to find the right person is because I rarely felt cynical about men - for a few hours here and there after a bad date or bad interaction. A few hours. I moved on because I wanted to find the right person to marry and not run out of time to have a child -or have the chance to at least.
    I dated on and off for 24 years including through online sites.

    For the most part I was treated with respect and like a lady but my expectations were that silence = lack of interest - my expectations were if there was no future date planned and we weren't exclusive there was no future date.

    I chose not to have sex outside of an exclusive committed relationship after months of knowing someone and after we fell in love and saw strong potential for the future. Except once. I slept with a boyfriend after 6-7 weeks and we promised to be exclusive (first time doing that -conditioning sex on exclusivity -mistake !) - he never really fell in love with me and ended things after 5 months. That was a mistake because I went against my own values. I never ever thought he lead me on and he said lots of sweet words. I didn't not believe him just waited to see actions over a longer period of time.
    I was always bluntly honest with myself and I knew that I got more attached through sex and that was a main reason I waited other than that exception. Just offering my perspective. You do you! Sorry you are disappointed in how this worked out.

    Also I kept emailing and messaging to a minimum (I dated many men with cell phones but I didn't have one until my last trimester lol) - we spoke by phone regularly but not all day and saw each other regularly if we could. I avoided dating men I didn't know who couldn't see me regularly. I got to know people in person and that decreased the fantasy aspects and focus on words over actions.

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