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Thread: Dealing with a husband that just doesn't care anymore

  1. #51
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Steph096
    In my eyes, Iím getting ignored right now, but the last few days have been an improvement. I guess you can kind of see my point in possibly wanting a threesome as one of my last attempts. I donít feel like I would be manipulated by either because he has brought this up years ago, so I know itís not due to our marriage issues. So Iím really at a toss as to what to do about that.

    We are having a few of his guy friends over tonight, he is looking forward to it. Iím actually trying to remain hopeful.
    I understand where you're coming from. Just don't lose yourself in this. you know what I mean?

    He needs to commit to dealing with his problems and doing the work to get back to healthy mind and marriage.

    I think I can tolerate a lot, if a person is trying. but you can't be the only one trying long term. that's not right. Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #52
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    Originally Posted by Lambert
    I understand where you're coming from. Just don't lose yourself in this. you know what I mean?

    He needs to commit to dealing with his problems and doing the work to get back to healthy mind and marriage.

    I think I can tolerate a lot, if a person is trying. but you can't be the only one trying long term. that's not right.
    I want to get him in a mind set to try and deal with the problems and have a healthy mind.

    If you were me, what would you do? (You donít have to say publicly if you donít want.)

    Iím not anticipating anything happening tonight. Just that the friend (and others) will be over. Heís all excited. He has even taken half the day off to get ready. This is the most excitement and energy Iíve seen him have in months.

  3. #53
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    You can't fix him or get him into any mindset.

    If you have to jump through hoops and pretzel yourself into whatever in order to get your SO to even notice you, your relationship is over. The more you jump through hoops, the more you pretzel and twist yourself, the more you shrink your needs and who you are just to get some basic attention from him....the more you'll destroy yourself as a human being.

    Threesomes won't save your marriage the same way that a bandaid won't fix a broken leg. Sure, he might be all excited for one night and then what? What more, what's next? How many other hoops do you want to jump through? Do you see how impossible and exhausting this is?

  4. #54
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Steph096
    I want to get him in a mind set to try and deal with the problems and have a healthy mind.

    If you were me, what would you do? (You donít have to say publicly if you donít want.)

    Iím not anticipating anything happening tonight. Just that the friend (and others) will be over. Heís all excited. He has even taken half the day off to get ready. This is the most excitement and energy Iíve seen him have in months.
    If it were me....

    1. I would let today play out. he's happy, so seize that opportunity to be happy, too. have fun together with the friends.. And see if it builds a momentum over the next few days.

    If he goes back to ignoring you and no effort, I would find time to have a talk about it. I would ask him if he wants this marriage to work. And have an honest discussion about his feelings and mine, planning next steps to fix this.

    If he can't make a plan, I would ask him how he sees this all playing out.

    It may not work. I'm sorry to say. you can't get him to any point. he has to meet you there.

    one person cannot maintain a relationship on their own. no matter how much they want to. Effort does ebb and flow as we are individuals living our own lives, while also living within a relationship. We go through hard times and the energy isn't there but! our individual problems can't be an excuse for long term neglect.

    2. While you are giving him a chance to kind of see the light, also start exploring your own feelings. are you willing to divorce over this? you can only play the I want out card once. because if you don't follow through, you become the girl that cried wolf.

    Really # 1 is this:

    Know in your heart what you want and what you will accept. then do not accept less.

    I definitely would not have a threesome. my love is not a bribe to hold a person to me. it is an expression of me and my feelings. If I feel ignored and neglected I turn my love inward... because I choose me over all.

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  6. #55
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    Originally Posted by Lambert
    If it were me....

    1. I would let today play out. he's happy, so seize that opportunity to be happy, too. have fun together with the friends.. And see if it builds a momentum over the next few days.

    If he goes back to ignoring you and no effort, I would find time to have a talk about it. I would ask him if he wants this marriage to work. And have an honest discussion about his feelings and mine, planning next steps to fix this.

    If he can't make a plan, I would ask him how he sees this all playing out.

    It may not work. I'm sorry to say. you can't get him to any point. he has to meet you there.

    one person cannot maintain a relationship on their own. no matter how much they want to. Effort does ebb and flow as we are individuals living our own lives, while also living within a relationship. We go through hard times and the energy isn't there but! our individual problems can't be an excuse for long term neglect.

    2. While you are giving him a chance to kind of see the light, also start exploring your own feelings. are you willing to divorce over this? you can only play the I want out card once. because if you don't follow through, you become the girl that cried wolf.

    Really # 1 is this:

    Know in your heart what you want and what you will accept. then do not accept less.

    I definitely would not have a threesome. my love is not a bribe to hold a person to me. it is an expression of me and my feelings. If I feel ignored and neglected I turn my love inward... because I choose me over all.
    Thanks. Iím going to let him have his night. Heís been home for about an hour and is just full of energy. I donít know why or whatís gotten into him.

    Getting a divorce will be difficult but itís still probably the best solution.

    I havenít ruled out the threesome, but Iím still hanging onto hope.

    We have a night planned with games, food and a few drinks. Iím even kind of looking forward to this since we havenít had any interaction. I will dress cute in hopes to get some attention from him.

  7. #56
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    Update: The party ended up going well. Everyone was respectful, even the guy my Husband wants to have the threesome with. My husband and I talked more during that than we have all month. When everyone left that night, we took a bath together and reflected on the day. I was surprised he joined me. I tried to talk to him more about other things but that didnít really work. I did offer to give him a blow job and was thanked and he said that he loved me. Both words I havenít heard him say in a long time.

    Saturday was like a typical Saturday though. Games plus everyone else. We did manage to eat dinner together, which we havenít had dinner together since we were on vacation.

    Still beyond confused and struggling.

  8. #57
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Maybe it's time to stop trying to over-please him to get the level of love and affection and attention back that was before you married.

    The good times seem unfortunately short lived, then he's back to same old. Since you are not interested in divorce and marriage therapy is not helping perhaps you can start using other things, such as the polar opposite of what you have been trying (tolerating, over-pleasing, talking, etc.) When you reward selfishness and bad behavior with blow jobs, making him dinner, etc. why should he change?
    Originally Posted by Steph096
    I tried to talk to him more about other things but that didnít really work.

    Saturday was like a typical Saturday though. Games plus everyone else.

  9. #58
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Steph096
    Update: The party ended up going well. Everyone was respectful, even the guy my Husband wants to have the threesome with. My husband and I talked more during that than we have all month. When everyone left that night, we took a bath together and reflected on the day. I was surprised he joined me. I tried to talk to him more about other things but that didnít really work. I did offer to give him a blow job and was thanked and he said that he loved me. Both words I havenít heard him say in a long time.

    Saturday was like a typical Saturday though. Games plus everyone else. We did manage to eat dinner together, which we havenít had dinner together since we were on vacation.

    Still beyond confused and struggling.
    Well.....you gave him a blowjob, did he return the favor? No, right? Your relationship is a one way street. You give, he takes. You are dancing a desperate dance trying to get him to reciprocate, but he doesn't. "I love you" is a meaningless statement when his actions speak so loudly that he doesn't even care. He is treating you like a thing, no better than a kitchen appliance. Meanwhile you are so desperate that him so much an acknowledging your existence feels like a victory. Actually breaks my heart reading your situation. I really hope you do find the strength to walk away and see him for who he actually is before you waste any more years on him.

  10. #59
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    Thank you all for the help and advice.

    I do have an update.

    -We are still married.
    -We are seeing therapists individually
    -We are seeing a marriage counselor together weekly.
    -Communication is better, not ideal.
    - He is gaming, not as much, though.
    -We had sex four times since October 14th.
    -Oct 31st, we did have a threesome.

    Iím still emotional, but am feeling hopeful, more than before. I feel like he is putting forth effort in making things better, but still time will tell. Divorce is still an option.

  11. #60
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Steph096
    -We had sex four times since October 14th.
    -Oct 31st, we did have a threesome.
    I don't know... I get the impression that he is gay or bisexual... Him being all charged up about his friend coming over, him wanting to share you with said friend, and then your sex life spiking since seeing the friend, in the days leading up to the threesome...

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