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Thread: My partner emotionally abandoned me when I needed him

  1. #1

    My partner emotionally abandoned me when I needed him

    Hello,

    I'm new to this website but I found it because I needed any kind of advice I could find, cause I'm having unpleasant time in my relationship and need to hear some opinions... I apologize beforehand if this story doesn't make much sense, but I'm trying.

    First, quick summary of my relationship so far. Me (20) and my partner Phil (21) have been dating for over a year. I'm his second girlfriend and so he is mine, so one could say we don't actually have much experience. Things were usually going great altough we sure had some fights but mostly over silly things.

    Here's the problem I and him are facing now.

    1.
    Two days ago my six year old cat died unexpectedly. We found out in the morning. It was sad for me and my family as one could imagine. I told my partner about it when he woke up and he offered to come over but I refused because I just didn't think my family would appreciate it right now and I decided to see each other the next day. He called me and we talked for a while and he was comforting me, then we said goodbye and hung up.
    The same day he offered to me and my friends in a groupchat that we should go out and play some bowling in our town. But one friend refused because of corona virus. Me and my partner exchanged some texts about it saying things like its a silly reason but whatever. (I get that some people take it more seriously than me and I respect it.) I then decided to just call it quits and say we could all meet at my place, no worries.

    2.
    I then received a mad text from Phil that I turned him down, that I was 'against him' and that he will remember my actions. I was very confused. I just thought that just being at my place with everyone would be OK since everyone else was okay with it. I didn't even understand why would anyone be this upset over bowling or me mentioning that we could just spend the evening somewhere else. I then apologized to him and even tried changing plans in the groupchat once again but noone really was interested in bowling anymore, so it didn't matter. Even though I apologised he seemed to be mad but apologised too saying ''Sorry if I was being mean.'' I thought it ended. But later he started with it AGAIN and I was tired and sad because of my dead pet do I told him that I just don't feel like talking about it anymore and that I'm going to bed.

    3.
    It resulted in a fight eventually. I told him I was sad that even though he knows it hasn't been 12 hours since my pet died he still manages to pick up fights. He just seemed to not understand me at all. Was I really being that unfair? The fight didn't sort things out at all. I just felt emotionally disconnected from him since he didn't let me process the loss and even made the situation worse.

    4.
    The next day he just repeated I was acting unfair and that he tried to comfort me but I pushed him away saying 'didn't even want him to come over'. (Once again, I just didn't think my family would appreciate it. Mom, dad and my siblings were all very upset.) I tried to call him to sort things out but he just made conversation fouls until he hung up. A few hours later I called him to sort it out for the last time but he said that he was really tired of me and when I said why would he said things like that he just responded that it's true and the call ended.

    5.
    It has been now two days since my pet died and I haven't been able to focus on processing it a bit because I think about the fight more. I just feel betrayed by my partner that he was so inconsiderate. I felt like even though he could feel offended by what I did about the bowling plan, couldn't he waited just a day atleast? I know mourning over a pet is not the same as mourning over a person, but I really thought I had the right to process the loss in peace. The fact that he made a bad day worse and other days after it as well when I needed him make me really mad and make me question the whole relationship. I just don't know how to forgive him for his acts when he doesn't even aknowledge them. Since the last call I didn't try to contact him anymore and we have been quiet over 24 hours now.

    Can anyone please give opinions about this whole bizarre situations? I would be very grateful.
    Thank you for your time and I apologize it it was hard to read.

    Justine

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Let the dust settle. Take time with your family and friends. He reacted in an immature manner.
    Originally Posted by Justine23
    Two days ago my six year old cat died unexpectedly. We found out in the morning. It was sad for me and my family as one could imagine. I told my partner about it when he woke up and he offered to come over but I refused because I just didn't think my family would appreciate it right now and I decided to see each other the next day. He called me and we talked for a while and he was comforting me, then we said goodbye and hung up.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Agree - let the dust settle and leave it for the time being. My thoughts are that he wanted badly to spend time with you and he misses you. Coordinating bowling was likely designed to cheer you up but he was disappointed it didn't work out. This person wants to see you and spend time with you. He's just a bit thick that you're going through the loss of your pet. I'm sorry about your cat also.

    What you do is you take a deep breath, tell your boyfriend you love him and want to spend time with him but you need time to be with your family right now (this weekend). Ask him whether it is all right for you to give him a call mid-week and the both of you can catch up a little later. You're down right now but you'll be fine soon.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    I'm very sorry about your kitty, and I understand how shocking it can be to learn how hard we take the grief of losing a pet. My heart goes out to you.

    Most people will NOT shift gears to apologize during a heated argument, so back off and remove the heat.

    Very few people will apologize if they believe that they're being shamed into doing so, so don't try manipulate him into apologizing.

    Either someone is mature enough to reflect and apologize, or not. We can't will that into being true, and we can't necessarily get the kind of apology we want. So you'll need to take your time to decide whether you want this guy in your life enough to accept whatever he offers, if anything, because shaming him will only bring the opposite results. It will only make him more angry.

    You get to decide whether this guy's tendency to turn on you over 'silly' stuff is what you're willing to live with in a BF. You're not going to change it, so consider whether it's enough for you.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    I'm sorry about your kitty cat. I love cats and remember how devastated I was when mine passed.

    as for your bf.... ugh. sometimes bad times bring out traits in a person you have not seen before.

    It is immature to pick fights and to "make issues about him" when you are clearly not yourself and having a tough time. unfortunately, this IMO, cannot be taught. A person either gets it or they don't. Telling the person only escalates the misunderstanding and causes you both to feel further apart.

    what you can do is use this instance to decide for yourself, if this is good enough for you. lowering your needs will not cause this person to raise his level of support to you, in this or future instances. It will be the opposite. He will continue to handle things the way he does and you'll be disappointed.

    I'm sorry.

  7. #6
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    "But one friend refused because of corona virus. Me and my partner exchanged some texts about it saying things like its a silly reason but whatever." Your friend was the smartest person in the group. Your age group is the main reason that this horrible virus has continued to spread. If more took this seriously, we could return to normalcy. This includes friend groups within the home.

    Sorry, about the kitty.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    "But one friend refused because of corona virus. Me and my partner exchanged some texts about it saying things like its a silly reason but whatever." Your friend was the smartest person in the group. Your age group is the main reason that this horrible virus has continued to spread. If more took this seriously, we could return to normalcy. This includes friend groups within the home.

    Sorry, about the kitty.
    Yes, I agree and I'm also sorry!

  9. #8
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    He felt rejected.

    He wanted to be a part of your grieving and he wanted to be included when it came to being able to come over and be a part of your family. It was part in consideration of your pain and part in wanted to be included. He was hurt and angry that you refused him.

    Then he felt even worse, when he suggested bowling as a way to try to do something nice for you and your friends and again, it was not accepted.

    I understand that you are feeling pain right now due to your pet but he is feeling hurt and rejected and frustrated because everything he has suggested to help, has been refused.

    I know that since this is your pet, your pain is is what should be the focus but since he has been your boyfriend for a year, he is not feeling accepted and this is the cause of you and he not being close right now.

    I'm not saying your feelings are more important, or that his feelings are more important. Both of your feelings matter. But as a couple, unfortunately it's showing that in bad times, you do not work. There is lack of understanding, and lack of communication.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    "But one friend refused because of corona virus. Me and my partner exchanged some texts about it saying things like its a silly reason but whatever." Your friend was the smartest person in the group. Your age group is the main reason that this horrible virus has continued to spread. If more took this seriously, we could return to normalcy. This includes friend groups within the home.

    Sorry, about the kitty.
    seconded ..... and also very sorry <3

  11. #10
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Sorry for the loss of your cat.

    Some people aren't sure how to handle it when their partner or friend is going through something difficult or painful. So I would give it a day or so and then call him to explain you were grieving your cat and going out bowling wasn't something you felt ready to do. You wanted the support of your friends around you but weren't up for a cheerful sporting event. Give him the opportunity to respond without interrupting. See what he has to say.

    And I agree, going out bowling with a group of friends isn't a great idea during a pandemic. You don't want to bring the virus home to your family. Additionally, having friends over to your home that you share with family members isn't a great idea either. I don't mean for this to be a Covid lecture, but people need to be careful.

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