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Thread: I feel like sex is all I have to offer because guys mainly seek me for this

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by ElectricLove
    It's weird because I'm very assertive in other situations and interactions EXCEPT guys. Besides my shyness, I can speak up and be direct when I want something ie, school, work, family, medical, or anything within a professional environment. But my sole interactions with men, I'm too awkward and naive. They make me nervous sometimes yet I still try to be polite and friendly.
    If you know you won't speak up - protect yourself with your actions - don't put yourself in a situation where you will be alone with a guy in the wee hours of the night. keep in public places, double date with friends, go out with a guy during the daytime --- that will help you create boundaries for yourself if you verbally cannot -- and ever agree to go out with a guy whose first words to you are about your body. (except if you just fell and they say "is your leg/back/body part ok. THAT IS DIFFERENT) Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ElectricLove
    It's weird because I'm very assertive in other situations and interactions EXCEPT guys. Besides my shyness, I can speak up and be direct when I want something ie, school, work, family, medical, or anything within a professional environment. But my sole interactions with men, I'm too awkward and naive. They make me nervous sometimes yet I still try to be polite and friendly.
    I'm curious where this is coming from. Is it because you went to a same sex (all girls) school at one point for example or did you have very limited interactions with boys/men growing up? If you can figure out where this nervousness is coming from you'll be able to identify what that root cause of your issues is. You're over-compensating appearing accommodating because you're actually nervous.

  3. #13
    Silver Member ShySoul's Avatar
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    First off realize that this is not your fault. If a guy is doing or saying something inappropriate and making you uncomfortable, that is on him. There is no excuse for that behavior and any guy who is worth your time would not act in such a manner. I, and the plenty of guys I have known, would never treat a woman like that. We may give a compliment like saying you look nice, but we're not just out to get you in bed. There are nice guys out there who simply want to be friends.

    You deserve to be valued and respected for every part of you, especially your mind and heart. If someone makes you uncomfortable, clearly tell them no. Set a boundary. If they can't respect that, have nothing more to do with them. They are the one losing out. It's not being a b*tch, it's showing respect for yourself and standing up for yourself. Try not to put yourself in positions where you would be around these kinds of guys. Honestly, plenty of people see college as a time to "hook up." You will find your share of those people. But you'll also meet people who aren't interested in that. It may not seem like it, but you will. Put yourself first and focus on your studies, on things you enjoy doing. Don't let anyone take advantage of you.

    And always hold onto your beliefs. You are not a sex object. Don't have sex unless it's something you really want and are comfortable being with the other person. Sex should be with someone you truly love and are committed to. If the guy really cares, he will not pressure you. He will take his time and wait until you are ready and the moment is right. You sound like a very caring, special person. Some guy is going to be lucky to be with you, and it should be a guy that can appreciate just how wonderful you are. He should love you for you and be happy to just be with you. Sex would be the cherry on top, not the goal.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ElectricLove
    I'm in college and that's where I meet them. But also everywhere else when they randomly approach me. I don't know why some people find it hard to believe that college guys in their late teens/early-mid twenties aren't always trying to hook up or have casual sex. Even the "nice ones" will eventually try to steer conversations or interactions to that.

    These guys will initially tell me that I'm a great listener, easy to talk to, and very sweet and kind. They'll shake my hand in greetings and we talk like normal people. Then after they start to get comfortable, they'll ask for my number or hang out. Before you know it, they're already asking "do you have a boyfriend" or "you have a nice body and you're hella cute, let's go out sometime". And they always mention sex or wanting to do it eventually.

    I dress very casual. Like a cute/comfy tomboy. Sneakers, jeans, blouses, leggings, and fitted outfits but not anything revealing. Pretty much how the average 20 something year old dresses.
    College men are a huge pool to choose from. Not every man is a lech. However, you still need to be very careful for your safety's sake.

    Since you're uncomfortable and disrespected by untoward men, be strict and go on double or group dates only. Men tend to behave better whenever you're NOT alone with them. Take a very long time to observe a man's character before trust is earned with them. Sometimes it will take many months or years before you sense they're honorable or NOT. Better safe than sorry.

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  6. #15
    Gold Member Spawn's Avatar
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    its just not you its the way these few men who look at women in general as a tool or an object.

    Try to google on what boundaries mean, when you start building one all these psychos will automatically move away.

    I had the same issue as yours kept attracting or being attracted to real toxic personalities, ultimately what happens you will not lead a fulfilling respectful life. it gets to a point where you find faults within you and you start losing your self esteem and confidence.

    the more you work on your boundaries, your friends, the people you be with, having few goals in your life, working on them, the more you keep doing this , your confidence grows and you start attracting only the best people in the crowd.

    The bad ones will still always find you attractive but it's upto you to show them the door:)

  7. #16
    Silver Member Dalesboy's Avatar
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    I would certainly agree with comments here that you need to set your boundaries, and don't leave yourself open to being taken advantage of.
    Not all men are like this. Plenty of us respect women and aren't just looking for 'sex'.

    Always put your 'self worth first', you deserve that.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Yes boundaries are important. Sure there are some horn dogs you'll meet in college. However why are you playing therapist and close enough to be groped?

    Social distancing is not just for covid, it's common sense. You don't have to have sex with anyone.

    If you are afraid of men or sex, take your time. It's ok to be friends with guys it's ok to date.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by ElectricLove
    It's weird because I'm very assertive in other situations and interactions EXCEPT guys. Besides my shyness, I can speak up and be direct when I want something ie, school, work, family, medical, or anything within a professional environment. But my sole interactions with men, I'm too awkward and naive. They make me nervous sometimes yet I still try to be polite and friendly.
    Then pretend - fake it till you make it. Tell yourself to act as if you were not with a man - you can control your reactions and your behavior. If someone is inappropriate and you feel nervous please stop being friendly - that sends a confusing message.

  10. #19
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    If you're attractive, you're likely to get unwanted attention from men. Most of it can be safely ignored, but there are times when it might risk getting beyond that - and that's where assertiveness comes in. Look upon it as a life skill.

    Some men are real sleazeballs, but that about them, NOT about you! Don't ever treat that kind of rubbish as a reflection of your worth.

    If someone's getting too close, there's nothing wrong with telling them that you're enjoying their company but right now they're invading your personal space. If someone invites you back for coffee, politely decline - unless you do want to go back for coffee, in which case it's OK to say that you'd like to, before you get a cab home. If being with someone's making you nervous, then back away.

    Sometimes being "polite and friendly" will come across as having no boundaries, and there are people who will take advantage of that. Your approach of being a "good listener" and wanting to be a therapist to the guys you meet will feel weird to anyone who's looking for a healthy relationship/equal partnership. You have no difficulty in areas of life where you're treating other people as humans first and foremost, and men ARE just people!

    Good luck!

  11. #20
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Absolutely, Nutbrown!!

    "Sometimes being "polite and friendly" will come across as having no boundaries, and there are people who will take advantage of that. Your approach of being a "good listener" and wanting to be a therapist to the guys you meet will feel weird to anyone who's looking for a healthy relationship/equal partnership. You have no difficulty in areas of life where you're treating other people as humans first and foremost, and men ARE just people!
    "

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