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Betrayed by family


NIN2000

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A few months ago I finalized my estate planning and legally made my brother sole inheritor of all my assets -in the event of my death.

 

Recently I suffered a disaster. My home is basically condemned and my home owners insurance company is in the process paying for all damages. However, unable to live in my home, I naturally called my brother, explained the situation and asked him if I could temporarily (3-4 months) live at his house, as my home undergoes massive reconstruction.

 

My brother and are both single, we have no kids or pets. He lives in a 5 bedroom 3 acre home.

 

I explained the desperation of my situation to my brother over the phone. I then asked if I could live with -temporarily. The line went silent for over 30 seconds. I then asked if he was on the line and inquired if he heard me? He acknowledged that he heard everything and remained silent.

 

I was stunned.

 

Finally, after a full minute of silence he stated that he “needed to think about it.” Weeks have gone by and he never called, texted or provided an answer.

 

I’m devastated by his actions; never in my wildest dreams did I expect him to be so cold.

 

Our parents are deceased and he is all the family I have (and vice-versa).

 

I learned in life that no one changes anyone and this behavior most likely has always been there but out of love, mostly likely I failed to see it.

 

As of today, my net worth surpassed $2 million in assets. However as a result of the above I’m thinking of altering my will -leaving him $500,000.

 

The remainder I will donate to a charity of my choice. If and when I pass away, I will leave this world at peace knowing that I left him some of my wealth -in the end he’s still my brother and I love- but will feel better leaving the bulk of wealth to charities which I believe will make a positive impact on others lives.

 

What do you think?

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I'm in a similar situation, where I honestly thought my brother would always have my back and that I could count on him and that he truly cared.

Not the case.

 

Harsh truths are not easy to swallow. But I suppose it's better to be realistic, than to kid yourself. Even if someone is related to you, that doesn't mean they deserve to be in your life, especially if they are treating you badly.

You deserve better than this. Consider if he was a friend, would you keep him as a friend? Relatives should be given the same consideration. If they aren't treating you as good as you would treat them, then let them go.

 

I think your money would be much better spent on charities. So many deserving people who are seriously struggling. The way you described your brothers situation, he's not financially struggling and he's not treating you right.

I'm not sure he even deserves anything, but that's entirely up to you.

 

I am sorry, NIN, you deserve better. I know what it feels like to have your own family turn their back on you, even more so when you really did think they loved you like you did them.

It's a very sad thing to accept.

 

But you still deserve better and I wouldn't reward someone who treats you that way, related or not.

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I'm in a similar situation, where I honestly thought my brother would always have my back and that I could count on him and that he truly cared.

Not the case.

 

Harsh truths are not easy to swallow. But I suppose it's better to be realistic, than to kid yourself. Even if someone is related to you, that doesn't mean they deserve to be in your life, especially if they are treating you badly.

You deserve better than this. Consider if he was a friend, would you keep him as a friend? Relatives should be given the same consideration. If they aren't treating you as good as you would treat them, then let them go.

 

I think your money would be much better spent on charities. So many deserving people who are seriously struggling. The way you described your brothers situation, he's not financially struggling and he's not treating you right.

I'm not sure he even deserves anything, but that's entirely up to you.

 

I am sorry, NIN, you deserve better. I know what it feels like to have your own family turn their back on you, even more so when you really did think they loved you like you did them.

It's a very sad thing to accept.

 

But you still deserve better and I wouldn't reward someone who treats you that way, related or not.

 

Thank you for your response. The more I think about it, the more I conclude that you are correct. However, no doubt, if they were alive my parents would be devastated over all of this. I would like to think that they raised us better and in their memory I refuse to counter his actions with his own medicine. Perhaps $500,000 is too much. I’ll drop it to $100,000.

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When the going gets tough and you need support, either physically or emotionally, you find out who comes through and who doesn't. I know that I've often received emotional support more often from friends, whereas many of the relatives, who I expected even the minimum from, totally failed in that area.

 

I laugh at the thought of a sign that my friend used to have hanging on her front door: Welcome, Friends. Relatives by appointment only.

 

It's your money, so do whatever feels right to you.

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I'm sorry to hear about your home and this issue with your brother. Change the will if it makes you feel better. Yes, it's your money so do with it as you please. He may kick the bucket first and never know either way. You can make all the grand plans in the universe and they will not pan out the way you want it to. It's best not to form too close an attachment to your money - you'll be six feet under anyway. Is it really worth worrying about so badly? I think if there are charities that you feel very passionate about, do shift the focus and donate more. My point either way is using your money to vindicate yourself or take revenge on your brother's behaviour towards you from beyond the grave just means that you're shifting that focus to remaining bitter. Why should you allow yourself to live the rest of your days like this?

 

Take time to grieve and feel bad if you need to feel bad or sad about how things have turned out with your brother. Deal with the will issue as an entirely separate matter and one where you would like to do more good in the world by donating to charities for instance. Keep the two issues separate.

 

Hope you feel better soon and you're okay after what's happened with your home.

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Wow! I am so sorry. That is awful.

 

I suggest that you seek a month-to-month apartment. I also suggest that you remove him from your will and give the money to friends and charity. Give it to people who are there, and deserving.

 

The man is not family.

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My brother was worth a few million bucks. He left me $50K and each of my 2 kids got $100K. His girlfriend got the rest plus his house and car, tho she cant drive.

 

He showed his true colours in the end, and also it was his money to disperse as he pleased. So I am happy I got 50 grand, and my kids got double that, but I did think he was pretty cheap to his only sibling. I'm over it, no point being angry or feeling bad.

 

You should do as you please with your money. Give it all to charity if you want. If it was me, I would not leave your brother a dime. He showed who he is.

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Sorry to hear this. What happened with the house? Use the money to rent a house/condo/apt for the time your home is being repaired. Why leave him anything? If he is your next of kin, he would inherit everything anyway unless you state otherwise, as you have, in your will.

 

You can make anyone you want beneficiaries and donate whatever you wish to whatever causes you want to. If you know special people or special charities, rewrite your will. A codicil leaving him less may make you feel better for a few seconds, but it won't solve the problem of accommodations you need right now. See if your insurance covers alternate accommodations.

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I try to be careful about how I frame things for myself before knee-jerking myself into injury--especially with loved ones.

 

Given your wealth, or not, my first priority would be to avoid imposing on my sister for up to a quarter YEAR, by considering all possible alternatives. It's one thing to be inconvenienced and simply assume that my sister wouldn't mind being inconvenienced with me, and it's quite another to be in dire straights with no possible options beyond sheltering at the Y or camping in my back yard. (Which, actually, might be options I'd consider before learning whether someone might OFFER me alternatives instead of assuming that they 'should'.)

 

I don't know what I don't know. What if my sis has a lifestyle that I don't know about, and she'd be hard pressed to curb it or clean it up in my presence? What if I can't conceive of her reasons for not wanting a houseguest for MONTHS, yet I can respect that she may have some?

 

What's the point in using my wealth as punitive punishment against a loved one without having considered ways to resolve my own problem with it, such as taking up a quarter year rental before imposing on anyone else?

 

While money can't buy happiness, I'd at least challenge that adage by being more creative with my wealth rather than resort to holding grudges with it. Otherwise, it's wasted, IMO.

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I'm sorry you lost your home. But encouraged that you are in a position to take care of yourself. Many are not that lucky.

 

In your shoes, I would find a furnished apartment. Google corporate housing in your area. its usually for recently relocated professionals.

 

I would change my will. you are under no obligation to your sibling. I don't know why anyone would expect their sibling to leave them anything other than family items.

 

I certainly don't expect anything from my siblings and I don't plan to leave them anything other than family things (not cash or my own assets).

 

to be disappointed in what someone chooses to gift you, rather explains why you probably weren't left more. Its disgusting to think anyone owes you anything regardless of how much they have. unless of course you are their underage child.

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I don't see it as 'bitter' to change your will, I see it more as sensible in taking back and upholding your own value and worth by not rewarding those who do not treat you as good as you would treat them.

 

You deserved better than this, and you know you did. In hard times, decent family should be there for you. Your brother showed you just how much he cares about you and your well being.

 

That truly is a shame. In my opinion, that's not family, that's not even a friend.

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I try to be careful about how I frame things for myself before knee-jerking myself into injury--especially with loved ones.

 

Given your wealth, or not, my first priority would be to avoid imposing on my sister for up to a quarter YEAR, by considering all possible alternatives. It's one thing to be inconvenienced and simply assume that my sister wouldn't mind being inconvenienced with me, and it's quite another to be in dire straights with no possible options beyond sheltering at the Y or camping in my back yard. (Which, actually, might be options I'd consider before learning whether someone might OFFER me alternatives instead of assuming that they 'should'.)

 

I don't know what I don't know. What if my sis has a lifestyle that I don't know about, and she'd be hard pressed to curb it or clean it up in my presence? What if I can't conceive of her reasons for not wanting a houseguest for MONTHS, yet I can respect that she may have some?

 

What's the point in using my wealth as punitive punishment against a loved one without having considered ways to resolve my own problem with it, such as taking up a quarter year rental before imposing on anyone else?

 

While money can't buy happiness, I'd at least challenge that adage by being more creative with my wealth rather than resort to holding grudges with it. Otherwise, it's wasted, IMO.

 

Agree.

 

Life is far too short to make so many assumptions about what someone else is especially when that person is simply not there. Use the money elsewhere creatively and ditch all those negative emotions. In the end the only person it hurts is you. Onwards.

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I would have asked if you could stay for a week until you are able to find a place. And if once you were there, he invited you to stay longer, then great.

He may be single, but you don't know - he could be getting serious about someone or a girlfriend "practically lives there".

Because you will leave money to your brother which could be 40-70 years from now and he could die first does not OBLIGATE HIM to have you as a roomie.

 

I am an introvert and would be overwhelmed by someone suddenly living with me. usually 3-4 months is code for never leaving.

Yes, i would have to think about it.

 

Brother may also be confused - because you have the money you have, you don't really *need* his help. If you were living hand to mouth, i get it, bro would be being a bit of a jerk, but you are well off, dude. you should be using your money as your parachute. If you have $2 million dollars, you can afford to put yourself up and have insurance reimburse you.

 

 

But he didn't say "NO" he said HE NEEDS TO THINK ABOUT IT.

 

Where are you now? I bet you are not living in a van.

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Change you will. Don't allow your brother to inherit a penny of your will. $500,000 is out of the question. Make that ZERO. Donate your money and entire estate to charity or charities of your choice. Donate your money and estate to people who will appreciate and put your money to good use.

 

Your brother demonstrated his true despicable character to you and this is your wake up call. He's not a real brother. Unfortunately, I've known people reminiscent of your brother. You can never trust people who've showed their true colors to you. Beware. Watch your back.

 

Your brother's actions spoke louder than words. He doesn't love nor care for you so return the favor and exit him from your will entirely!

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Change you will. Don't allow your brother to inherit a penny of your will. $500,000 is out of the question. Make that ZERO. Donate your money and entire estate to charity or charities of your choice. Donate your money and estate to people who will appreciate and put your money to good use.

 

Your brother demonstrated his true despicable character to you and this is your wake up call. He's not a real brother. Unfortunately, I've known people reminiscent of your brother. You can never trust people who've showed their true colors to you. Beware. Watch your back.

 

Your brother's actions spoke louder than words. He doesn't love nor care for you so return the favor and exit him from your will entirely!

 

I love my siblings, but I am not prepared to take them in at a moment's notice. For a night or two, yes, but not 1/4 of a year.

The brother said he would think about it, and the OP never called him back so maybe the brother thought the OP found another solution.

What we don't know is if the OP is a serial imposer or not or what their history is.

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I love my siblings, but I am not prepared to take them in at a moment's notice. For a night or two, yes, but not 1/4 of a year.

The brother said he would think about it, and the OP never called him back so maybe the brother thought the OP found another solution.

What we don't know is if the OP is a serial imposer or not or what their history is.

 

Yep. I think self-entitlement is far more damaging (and less 'loving') to any relationship than allowing someone to think through a long-term imposition.

 

If my wealth had not taught me how to be more self-sufficient, I'd say there's no time like the present to learn that--and without carrying the weight of a big chip.

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Really hard to pass judgement. What happens in families and between siblings from childhood into adulthood is incredibly variable. I ultimately wouldn't condemn a sibling to homelessness if push came to shove, but there are certainly a couple siblings I'd hesitate more than the others to clean the sheets for. Add to that some people just have an escalated need for privacy. If your brother's single with no wife, kids, or pets and yet is sitting in a 5BR house on a 3 acre plot, my guess is that entire formula is likely at least in large part non-coincidental.

 

I also don't have any brothers or sisters with $2,000,000+ in assets. Understanding a large chunk of it probably isn't liquid and you obviously don't want to dip your hand too deep in the portion that is, what's the point in accruing wealth if you can't or aren't going to ever drop a few grand into something like an extended stay hotel in the case of an Act of God leveling your home? The wife and I have nowhere near that amount in investments and savings, but we are comfortable enough where there's no way asking family if we could stay at theirs for months at a time would be the go-to. It may be that reality and expectation has played into your brother's attitude toward your predicament and request.

 

Sorry to hear about your house. Hope all the repairs go well and you're back to the comfort of your own home ASAP.

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I love my siblings, but I am not prepared to take them in at a moment's notice. For a night or two, yes, but not 1/4 of a year.

The brother said he would think about it, and the OP never called him back so maybe the brother thought the OP found another solution.

What we don't know is if the OP is a serial imposer or not or what their history is.

 

The fact that his brother never bothered to text, call nor give him an answer is very cold. The brother is the one who should've given him an answer because OP is the one who asked for a favor. Completely ignoring anyone no less a brother is intolerable, inexcusable and unacceptable. Apparently, blood isn't thicker than water. :upset: Giving absolutely no response whatsoever is very un-brotherly.

 

His brother doesn't deserve to inherit a penny from his wealthy brother. OP isn't feeling the "love." :upset:

 

Never give anyone money when they don't deserve it nor earned the love and care. They're not worth it.

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