Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 123 LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 24

Thread: I don't trust his single friends

  1. #11
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Posts
    10,916
    Originally Posted by ThatGirl27
    Theres so much more to this story. I just feel like tom is a bad influence and that sooner or later he will influence my bf to cheat on me. Tom is always around so many girls and it just makes me angry when I think of his disrespectful his being towards my relationship by asking bf to come with him to night clubs. At the same time , my bf has lied to me a few times, sometimes to reassure me or to ensure that our values match(I dont drink or smoke, my bf used to but claims he stopped all that
    The only person you need to worry about disrespecting your relationship is your boyfriend.

    Tom isn't the problem. He can't cause issues without you boyfriend's permission, and if your boyfriend is "influenced" by Tom, it's because your boyfriend wants to do those things, too.

    You are going to have to decide if you trust your boyfriend or not. Reading what you have written here, you most definitely do not trust him. Keep the focus on your boyfriend's choices rather than the effect you perceive Tom to have.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Location
    Wilds of Texas
    Posts
    11,309
    Gender
    Female
    If you are not a party girl, then why are you dating a guy who is your opposite? As you can see, it doesn't work and it has nothing to do with Tom.

    If you are more of a home body and want a guy who is going to be attentive to you instead of out partying, then drop this guy and go find a guy who is actually more like you. Someone who'd rather be with you than at a party, who'd rather plan a date night with you than be out clubbing. They do exist and you'll both be much happier together than the stress and drama you are dealing with now.

    As for cheating.....cheating is a character issue not a Tom issue or an opportunity issue. Everyone, literally everyone, has an opportunity to cheat. Whether people do or don't is a personal character issue, a values issue. Bottom line is that you need to be honest with yourself - Tom isn't the issue here, your bf is, and if you can't trust the guy, then do NOT date him. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run.

    So, I do think you need to dump your bf and actually do some thinking on what choices in dating you are making for yourself. This is your time to grow, learn, experience. So far your experience sounds pretty negative, so maybe it's time to try out some different choices in guys. Find one that actually works for you without pain and drama and fear of where he is with who tonight.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    4,552
    How long have you been dating? You mentioned long term. I'm mindful of this because long term relationships take some level of communication.

    At the same time I can't be sure if this is purely long distance. Have you met or how much of that relationship have you spent in person with your boyfriend?

    Generally, yes, you seem to have trust issues but this could be from your own insecurities, problems associated with long distance, your bf's poor decisions or any other issue inbetween. Could you clarify a bit more the context?

    A good rule is to spend more time with someone before committing to them or thinking of yourself in a committed relationship. Chalk this up to more experience on your part now after this relationship and don't carry it like a chip over your shoulder into new relationships after this. My read on this is that you seem quite shattered overall and very insecure. It could be colouring your view of many things, not just these current issues with your boyfriend. You have to work more on believing in yourself and being able to eliminate poor influences or bad influences in your life without hesitation, as long as they are detrimental to your personal (physical or mental health).

    Don't worry so much about checking up on where your boyfriend is or who he's with. You can read between the lines and gauge a person's character by their company, likes, dislikes, comments they make, what they believe in or what they stand for. If you already know what your boyfriend does in his free time or the types of people he hangs out with, you don't need to break it down by the minute. Worry less over the small stuff and look big picture if you can. He's not the one for you because you already feel so uneasy about a number of things. Keep coming back to yourself and what you think is important in life. You do not cater or bend yourself into a pretzel to cater to bad things, ideas, people. Turn it the other way around and have everything around you reflect what matters to you.

    Hope you feel better soon.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Location
    central Florida
    Posts
    4,445
    Gender
    Female
    An occasional guys night out or girls night out is fine, but when you go from being single to an exclusive relationship, the activities you engage in should evolve and change as well. If I started dating a guy like yours, I'd decided really quickly that he doesn't match me in the way I like to be in a relationship. There are guys out there who play sports, or have other healthy hobbies, and that's how they have fun hanging out with their friends. That's the type who would be right for you, wouldn't it? So go and find him, that is, when you're able to ditch your emotional baggage. Read some books on how to do that, because living in fear will sabotage you in every possible way.

  5.  

  6. #15
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    52,360
    I dated a guy sort of like your guy when I was in my 20s and he had more than one Tom in his life but one in particular. I didn't drink or take drugs but I loved going out dancing to clubs. My bf drank too much and once in a blue moon smoked pot (like once in the years we were together). No, he did not drive drunk, ever. Anyway his Tom person was like your Tom. One night we were having dinner with Tom and one of his flings who might have ended up being an actual girlfriend. Anyway, Tom implied that when he and my bf were at a strip club for a friend's bachelor party, that my bf received a lap dance. I was horrified. I believe he'd told me nothing happened.

    The truth is, nothing happened. It was all a big joke. (I know I know but yes I know nothing happened). My bf felt awful that Tom had done this to me.

    My bf never cheated on me. Yes I believe this. Yes he would go out with the boys and get drunk. Yes I trusted him. One night a woman who was at a party with her boyfriend came on to him, got him to go down to the beach with her (he was very drunk). Her boyfriend almost assaulted me sexually while they were gone but I got away. No, my bf didn't do anything with this woman.

    But here's the thing -here was my mistake - I was trying to fit in with a crowd who was heavily into alcohol. My boyfriend drank too much. He got himself into trouble at times from these poor choices and it stressed me out. No he did not cheat but it wasn't worth it some of the time - he was so handsome, so much fun, so exciting, so smart, so..... but he wasn't right for me. And I ended up declining his marriage proposal many years ago.

    Yes, he proposed. And here's the twist - the reason he drank so much, the reason he was out all the time -the reason he never actually cheated on me (yes he was my first ,actually) was because he was struggling with his sexual orientation. I had no clue. He was so virile, our passion was through the roof. But 15 years after we broke up we each married other people and we each married men. His husband is someone he met 5 years after he and I broke up. 5 years later he told me he was gay -we met for coffee after many years. He still drank too much but he was at peace.

    I am NOT saying your boyfriend is gay. At all. But here's what I know - whether he was gay or straight or confused i was trying to be the cool girl, trying to fit in where I really didn't fit, trying to be ok with his coldness and distance at times, with his hanging out with "bad influences". The fun and thrills really weren't worth that icky feeling of things not being quite right. So whether it's that your boyfriend really doesn't want to commit to you, whether he wants to be on his own, whether you're dragging him away from partying -you two are not a good match. Your distrust reflects this. You should feel comfy and at home with your partner. And you don't. I'd move on.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2016
    Posts
    5,191
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by ThatGirl27
    I've had trust issues ever since we started dating. My paranoia and insecurities is overclouding things but at the same time I just want to ask advice on something over this platform.
    I don't think it's fair for you to characterize yourself as paranoid and insecure when you've actually caught your boyfriend lying and otherwise misrepresenting the circumstances he was in. Give yourself some credit.

    You're dating a guy with lying issues. Of course you're feeling crazy.

    As others have said, it's not Tom who is the problem. Your boyfriend is the problem.

    And you're the problem too because you're lying to yourself about who and what you've been spending your time and energy loving.

    Your boyfriend chooses his company. They don't kidnap him.

    You can tell a lot about a guy by the type of friends he keeps around.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    2,672
    The problem isn't your boyfriend's single friends. The problem isn't Tom either. The real problem is your boyfriend and his lack of sound discretion, respect for himself and you. The real problem is your boyfriend's lack of integrity. The real problem is your boyfriend's poor choices in friends, your boyfriend's intolerable and unacceptable character which you need to focus on.

    This world is full of people who don't share your same values. This world is full of Toms, other guys and girls. This world is full of guys reminiscent of your boyfriend, too. You can't control that. However, each and every person on this Earth can pick and choose whom they wish to associate with or not. This is the part where your boyfriend has real problems and you and your boyfriend are not a match made in heaven. Your boyfriend is different than you are. Your boyfriend prefers the fast life, mesmerizes the likes of Tom and his lifestyle whereas you prefer a cleaner life.

    Your boyfriend will not change for you. You can attempt to change him but that decision is ultimately his and not yours to make. He will either change for you and for himself or he is who is is habits, preferences and all. He may very well command you to stop trying to control him and a fight will ensue. If this is the case, you need to let him go so he can do as he will with Tom, girls or whomever. At this point, you need to choose men more wisely and never settle for a man who doesn't share your same values. This is your wake up call.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Posts
    7,220
    There are always going to be temptations in life when it comes to both men and women. It doesn't matter what friends your partner has, or where they are, if they are a good partner and a loyal and faithful partner, nothing will ever make them stray.

    Your boyfriend is the one choosing a friend like Tom. Your boyfriend is choosing to want to be around a guy who likes women and has them around. Your boyfriend is also choosing to want a friend who is clubbing, etc.

    Take notice on all the choices YOUR BOYFRIEND is making. Because it isn't Tom, and it isn't the girls, it's what you boyfriend is attracted to and is bringing into his life.

    Say for instance that he and Tom fell out and no longer went out together. It still wouldn't stop your boyfriend from trying to find another friend who likes the social scene, the clubs and the women.

    You need to take a step back and realize that the things you don't like and the things that are making you feel insecure and uncomfortable, are the things your boyfriend is choosing.
    No one else.

    If it's bothering you that much, then maybe consider that he and you are not compatible.
    It's okay to want a partner who is a homebody and is quiet and doesn't want to be around loads of people or women. Some people prefer a partner like that because they are the same.

    Nothing wrong with wanting that. But you won't find that in this guy.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Posts
    7,220
    my bf has lied to me a few times
    Aside from everything else, this is reason to break up with him.

    You have insecurity issues, you've already admitted that. Don't feel bad about that, many people do for many different reasons. And you're acknowledging that, which is a god thing.
    However, you cannot have a happy life or a good relationship at all, with someone who lies to you, especially if you have insecurity issues.

    You need a partner who is willing to be 100% honest with you at all times. He will only make your issues worse if you remain with someone who lies to you.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Location
    Ontario Canada
    Posts
    6,801
    Gender
    Female
    I think the problem is not Tom but your bf and more so, you. You dont trust him, you seem clingy and suspicious of what he does and where he goes. If your bf wants to hang out with Tom, you need to either learn to trust him or find someone else who does not care for a party lifestyle.

    I also think you really need to work on yourself, your paranoia and insecurity. You will chase him away if you dont get a grip on yourself.

Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 123 LastLast

Videos


Maintaining A Strong Relationship

Detaching From a Malignant Man

Divorced Parents Prefer Technology and Social Media As Communication Tool

Wedding Jitters Could Be a Predictor for a Future Divorce

Botox Fights Depression And Makes You Feel Happier

Men Are More Sensitive than Women when Having Relationship Problems
Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •