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Thread: Help!

  1. #1

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    Help!

    Hello! Need advice, and dont know who to turn to.

    I dated my ex for almost two years. During the relationship, we broke up a few times, and had frequent fights. These fights 99% of the time pertained to one thing- other girls. He never cheated on me in the sense that he physically got intimate with other girls, but he would talk and hangout with them behind my back, and would tell his friends how hot they were and how much he wanted to f**ck them. When I saw this, I broke up with him last fall, but we got back together about a month later. Other than these fights, we had a really good relationship. We were best friends, did everything together, and we were genuinely inlove. He was always known as a guy with not much emotion, but everyone said he changed a lot after he started dating me, and I saw it too. I also think it might be important to share we are both sophomores in college (and 20-something guys are stupid). He goes to college in my hometown and I am here because of Covid. We were best friends since freshman year of highschool and started dating senior year of high school. I got very close with his family, and him with mine.

    When we broke up last fall, there was one girl that he was "friends" with who he spoke and hung-out with a lot. When we got back together, he had posted a picture for thanksgiving of us together. I commented "I love you" and this girl liked the comment. So....weird. This girl was working at a job he just got, and he hid that from me. When I found out, I obviously was very upset which turned into a huge argument. He then broke up with me, and said he knew he would never hear the end of it, and that he wasn't ready for a committed relationship anymore. He kept saying that he, "wasn't ready for marriage". This was around mid august.

    He blocked me on social media and my number. Eventually after a few weeks, he unblocked my number and my snapchat, but kept my instagram blocked. Since then, there have been a few text exchanges. The night he unblocked me, he drunk texted me and told me he missed me. A few days after that, I lost my cool and yelled at him and used very strong language over text after I saw all the girls (and some of my old friends) that he followed on instagram (I used a different account that he didn't block to look). A week or two after that, I sent a long message asking for an explanation as to why our relationship ended up the way it did, and he said he was happier now, and didn't want to commit to a relationship anymore. This is where the mixed signals come in.

    I still have him on spotify, and he has a new playlist thats filled with songs that are obviously about us breaking up, they're about heartbreak, losing the one you love, etc. Some of them, are a few of the songs we use to listen to together. I mean, it's OBVIOUSLY an "I miss my ex" kinda playlist. Along with this, he ALWAYS watches my snapchat stories 5-15 minutes after I post them. So, this has me confused. Why is he keeping tabs and being sad if he said he was happier without me?And what was with the drunk text a month ago?

    I work a few doors down from him, and he walks by atleast 3 times a day (he has to for work, its not voluntary to see me). Everytime he walks past, we make eye contact and he gives me a strange look. A look that says "I love you" but also not. I cant read his face, and I just have given up by now.

    If he missed me and wanted me back, I know he would text or do something about it. But he can be stubborn and maybe doesn't want to say anything at all in hopes he can move on. I dont want to text him first, because I want him to know Im not a puppy dog at his feet. I haven't said anything for a few weeks now, and I'v been posting me doing fun stuff on my snapchat, but that hasn't made him want me back yet. Or text me. Or try to talk to me. Its so frustrating! Why wont he text me? It's beginning to be a long time since our breakup, and I'm afraid he wont come back or want me again soon. I want him to text me, and tell me that he loves me and that he misses me. What should I do?

    Best,
    Keshi

  2. #2
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    Hi Keshi,

    I feel for you, I really do. Itís hard after a break up especially when you still have unresolved feelings. I just think you need to take him for his word though. He said he doesnít want any type of commitment and his actions speak louder then words. I think heís still viewing your stories because heís still curious, after all you were a big part of his life. I just honestly donít think he wants you back. I would move on if I were you. If a guy wants you heíll want you and there wonít be any confusion about it.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I'm sorry, Keshi, but you really need to accept that he showed you his true colors early on. You just refused to believe it. You wanted him to be a different man, a better man.
    But he's not ready to be that person, and it's quite possible that he's not even capable of it.

    He is still young, he likes checking women out, being single and playing the field. You are going to have to come to terms with that. Because no matter how hard you push him to be different or want him to be different, it's always going to be the same way.

    He is already lying and hiding women from you. Why do you want to continue to break your own heart and look the other way or tell yourself he can change?
    Him dating you for x amount of time and it going well, doesn't mean he stopped checking other women out, or stopped wondering what other women were like.
    He also dropped you and has no regrets about it.

    At some point, you need to start being realistic. This guy won't ever be your prince charming. He won't ever be 100% honest with you and he won't be the future you desperately want.
    You will find that in another man, but not this one.

    Let him go, so you can clear the path for man who is the right one for you. This one isn't and never was.

  4. #4
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    Originally Posted by keshi
    I dated my ex for almost two years. During the relationship, we broke up a few times, and had frequent fights. These fights 99% of the time pertained to one thing- other girls. He never cheated on me in the sense that he physically got intimate with other girls, but he would talk and hangout with them behind my back, and would tell his friends how hot they were and how much he wanted to f**ck them. When I saw this, I broke up with him last fall, but we got back together about a month later. Other than these fights, we had a really good relationship. We were best friends, did everything together, and we were genuinely inlove.
    Keshi, with respect, this is not the behaviour of a man who was genuinely in love with you.

    Multiple break-ups and frequent fights over other girls means you did not have a really good relationship. You are in denial.

    The truth hurts, of course, but you need to stop trying to sell yourself the narrative that this was healthy and loving. It wasn't. I am sure it wasn't all bad but it's time to see this guy for who he really is: a young dude who was not invested in you and not ready for the type of relationship you want. He didn't even give you the very basic courtesy of not telling people how much he wanted to have sex with other girls. That is repulsive.

    You two have met the end of your story together. Hopefully you will learn from this: learn what true, mutual love looks like (this wasn't it), learn to value yourself more, and learn to run when you see so many red flags. Don't disrespect yourself by staying with a guy who treats you like one of his many options.

    He doesn't want what you want, which is why you're not hearing from him. And though it doesn't feel like it now, that's for the best. You would only wind up hurt all over again if you two got back on dysfunctional merry-go-round.

  5.  

  6. #5
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    Itís entirely up to you to have boundaries within a relationship but you canít enforce them on another.
    You canít expect another to respect them and especially when you donít respect them yourself.

    Itís quite clear that your boundaries were that you would not tolerate him chatting to other girls.
    Thatís fine. But donít expect him to abide by them if you havenít stated that itís something you wonít tolerate.
    Equally donít expect him to abide by them even if you did state clearly.
    Itís up to him to decide if those boundaries sit well with him or not.

    If he steps outside your boundaries, consistently , then you end it out of respect for yourself .
    But it sounds like you have had arguments over him talking to girls but then get back together without further discussion but based on missing the other person only? And the cycle continues.

    The arguing over this with no resolution has caused the ultimate break up.
    But donít feel you did anything wrong. Or that he did.
    You just are not currently compatible with respect to expectations and boundaries. Especially at a young age.

    This worried me though ......

    ď I'v been posting me doing fun stuff on my snapchat, but that hasn't made him want me back yet. Or text me. Or try to talk to me. Its so frustrating! Why wont he text me?Ē

    You should not be doing fun stuff purely to then post on Snapchat for him to see?
    You should be doing fun stuff in order to distract yourself from the void left after a break up only.

    Of course you miss him.
    Of course he misses you.
    Thatís natural. But itís not a reason to get back together.

    Some people prefer contact either direct or indirect with their ex to process their break up.
    Others want or need radio silence.

    He is the former. You are the latter.
    However , you need to look after you and not delay your processing of your break up.
    So it seems blocking him is the only way forward for you.
    This is about you , not him.
    You are not a couple anymore , so do whatís best for you as an individual.

    Best of luck!!!

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear that. Be grateful it's finally over. Talk to a trusted adult about what healthy relationships look like.

    They are not on/off or fraught with chronic fighting, jealousy and betrayal.

    It should have ended for good the first time this happened.
    he would talk and hangout with them behind my back, and would tell his friends how hot they were and how much he wanted to f**ck them

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by keshi
    Other than these fights, we had a really good relationship.
    You do what a lot of people who in your position do: you try to pick and choose what your relationship consists of. You only want to count the good stuff in your relationship. You minimize the bad stuff and hope that it will somehow go away.

    You need to recognize that the break ups, the deception, the arguing, the mixed signals, and the manipulation are as much a part of this relationship as the 'good times' that you have.

    This is not a good relationship. Period.

    Don't text him.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    He's not interested in being with you. Having to see each other on a regular basis is difficult but you'll get through it. All this will pass in a matter of weeks or months. Avoid him at work and if you know he's going to be somewhere at a certain time. Give yourself a break and be pragmatic about it. Tell yourself it's over and you don't need this in your life. You summed it up quite well about stupidity up there but I'm afraid to tell you that this is not an age issue so don't get your hopes up about things improving as you get older. You just have to avoid certain people regardless of where you're at in life, college or past college. Be cautious and aware when you're dating.

    Cut off the social media checking up. You don't need that. He's been very clear with you in his actions and words that he's not interested so don't keep deluding yourself pretending that he wants you in any way. He could have looked at you strangely from a previous night out or because he was reminiscing or, worse, he was looking at you but seeing/thinking of someone else (another woman he's interested in). Don't read into the way he looks at you and avoid him if you think that you're not thinking clearly while you process the break up.

    There'll be plenty of opportunities for relationships in your life. Consider this finished and give yourself a chance to be happy regardless of whether you're in one or not.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member SooSad33's Avatar
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    These fights 99% of the time pertained to one thing- other girls. He never cheated on me in the sense that he physically got intimate with other girls, but he would talk and hangout with them behind my back, and would tell his friends how hot they were and how much he wanted to f**ck them. When I saw this, I broke up with him last fall, but we got back together about a month later.
    - I'd say this was your mistake. Knowing his actions/ behaviour and your lack of trust and fights.

    there was one girl that he was "friends" with who he spoke and hung-out with a lot. When we got back together, he had posted a picture for thanksgiving of us together. I commented "I love you" and this girl liked the comment. So....weird. This girl was working at a job he just got, and he hid that from me. When I found out, I obviously was very upset which turned into a huge argument.

    - See? No trust.. IF you were able to Trust him- him hanging around other gals- would not be a problem.. But like you know,, some guys this age are just stupid :/.

    The night he unblocked me, he drunk texted me and told me he missed me. A few days after that, I lost my cool and yelled at him and used very strong language over text after I saw all the girls (and some of my old friends) that he followed on instagram (I used a different account that he didn't block to look). A week or two after that, I sent a long message asking for an explanation as to why our relationship ended up the way it did

    - Strange question, don't you think? :/. ( you are toxic for each other)...

    I still have him on spotify, and he has a new playlist thats filled with songs that are obviously about us breaking up, they're about heartbreak, losing the one you love, etc. Some of them, are a few of the songs we use to listen to together. I mean, it's OBVIOUSLY an "I miss my ex" kinda playlist. Along with this, he ALWAYS watches my snapchat stories 5-15 minutes after I post them. So, this has me confused. Why is he keeping tabs and being sad if he said he was happier without me?And what was with the drunk text a month ago?
    - Because... one is not over someone within a week, you know.
    So, we need time to get over someone.. still does not mean we want them back.


    If he missed me and wanted me back, I know he would text or do something about it. But he can be stubborn and maybe doesn't want to say anything at all in hopes he can move on. I dont want to text him first, because I want him to know Im not a puppy dog at his feet. I haven't said anything for a few weeks now, and I'v been posting me doing fun stuff on my snapchat, but that hasn't made him want me back yet.

    - Okay, stop!
    - YOu do NOT want him back! You do not trust him- you two fight all of the time. YOu two are NOT good for each other.
    YOu NEED to let this go.. all of it.. and HIM.
    TOXIC.. Learn of this. You are not happy with him. He is not happy either. It is done.. please understand.
    Fight ALL you want to do- or have him do.. Nothing will make what has happened better :/



    For your own mentality.. STOP digging into all of this.
    YOu know you are no good for each other.. so, STOP following everything he does.. for your own good.

    Pull away now.. stay away now.. Leave him be.
    Aim your focus on YOU. Work on accepting & healing from this, that has caused you such distress, :/.

    And, if need be.. look for another job where you are nowhere near to where he works.
    It all has to stop.. and you need to back off.. and focus on YOU.
    You do need some serious down time.. to heal and let go now.

  11. #10
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    This was a really bad relationship. The guy emotionally cheated on you. You know that he cannot be trusted. You need to move on!

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