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Thread: dating new after dating a narcissist

  1. #1
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    dating new after dating a narcissist

    After what I thought was a mutual break up with my ex back in May, some things have come to light and I am realizing I was in a relationship with a man who, if not already is a narcissist, has extreme narcissitic tendencies. He's done some insane things since we've broken up, but not going to get into that. Long story short my friends, family, and therapist have all helped me see what he is. Despite it, he was still one of the healthiest relationships I have had and it wasn't even healthy.

    ANYWAY. I've been on 3 covid-friendly dates with someone new. He's sweet, patient, and seems to be a really great guy. When I started dating my ex, everything was kind of rushed and pushed but from the few dates I've been on with this new someone, I feel more at a comfortable pace and more myself. BUT I can also feel myself sabotaging this already. I'm almost expecting it to blow up. I can't explain it well, but I feel like I can almost hear my ex's voice in my head making me doubt everything. I don't want to ruin something before it can even start. I do plan on bringing this up at my next therapy session, but I was curious if any of y'all had advice on getting past the lingering effects of dating a narcissist.

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    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Yes getting back out there can help in some circumstances but you have PTSD. If you are still reeling from the horrors of the mental abuse from the last relationship, dating isn't going to help you get over it. You still need to do some self refection, and work on yourself before you can be involved with someone.The only way to get past this is time, and spending time on self esteem, self worth. Your therapist should be able to give you some mental exercises, to get you started.

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    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Keep seeing your therapist. Perhaps it's too soon for you to be dating anyone new.

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    It doesn't sound like you are in any position to date. If that was your healthiest relationship, then you need to address the people YOU are attracted to.

    Is your ex blocked?

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    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by youngnotdumb
    I feel like I can almost hear my ex's voice in my head making me doubt everything. I don't want to ruin something before it can even start. I do plan on bringing this up at my next therapy session, but I was curious if any of y'all had advice on getting past the lingering effects of dating a narcissist.
    I'm sorry to hear this - it doesn't sound like your thoughts are your own. Finding your own voice again is a journey and that exploration makes you stronger each day. If you find yourself worrying about things, wait on it and sleep on it. It never pays to rush anything or make any assumptions. If something doesn't rub you the right way even after some time has passed, you have to be strong enough to either agree with it or disagree with it and follow your gut instincts. People (your friends and family members and your therapist) can help you along the way but you'll have to cultivate that strength on your own. Continue believing in yourself and have faith that you will ​get stronger each day.

    Can you give examples of what these negative thoughts are or what your "ex's voice in your head" is saying?

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It sounds like you are not ready to date if you are still sending him texts.

    It's best not to get into the 'my ex is a narcissist' mindset. That doesn't help you.

    Work on you, not whatever trendy armchair diagnosis just about every ex has these days.
    Originally Posted by youngnotdumb
    09-11-2020,We didn't have an ugly break up, it was mutual, but we're not really friends. His birthday isn't for a few more days, but one of my friends asked if I was going to wish him a happy birthday still. I remembered he put a lot of effort into my birthday when we were together, I figured a birthday text wishing him well wouldn't be horrible contact. The more I think about it the more I think it'd be rude not to, but I keep seeing stuff about people using holidays/quarantine/events(birthdays) as a reason to check in and cause pain but that's not really the vibe here.

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    I never texted him. Yes, he's blocked and I feel great about never having to deal with him again. I don't want to go into what happened, but I felt really free from him. I was excited to start seeing this new guy, but when we're having fun conversations, the voice in my head starts saying things like "it's dumb of you to say that" and things my ex would say or imply. I have therapy next week, so I'm hoping I can figure that mess out.

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    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Please do not make this new guy pay for the sins of your ex. It simply is not fair to him.

    You could be totally straight with the guy and let him decide if he wants to continue dating you. Don't go into to much detail but let him know you really like him (I assume you do) and would like to continue to get to know him and see where things go but you still have some lingering wounds you are working on from your last relationship.

    If he wants to continue seeing you then it is his choice with all the facts. If you do continue let him know you like the pace things are going at so you both can get to know each other slowly and not rush through this part.

    Lost

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by youngnotdumb
    I never texted him. Yes, he's blocked and I feel great about never having to deal with him again. I don't want to go into what happened, but I felt really free from him. I was excited to start seeing this new guy, but when we're having fun conversations, the voice in my head starts saying things like "it's dumb of you to say that" and things my ex would say or imply. I have therapy next week, so I'm hoping I can figure that mess out.
    Good for you. Keep having him at a distance and don't initiate any contact. He's an ex for a reason so keep things civil and very distant. Those kinds of thoughts will wear off the more positive affirmations you have about yourself and the people around you. Keep focusing on healthy habits while dating - don't get too ahead of yourself, don't assume things about your new beau, ask more questions and learn more from each other. If something doesn't seem right to you, ask more about what he means and be willing to communicate. I don't think it's unreasonable to date again. Sooner or later you'll need to continue rehabilitating those thoughts back to more positive ones.

    You don't have to be a doormat either or agree to everything that this person in your life is suggesting or second-guessing yourself. Look within - you'll find everything you need there as soon as you start validating your thoughts and everything that matters to you. This person doesn't make or break you either. If it doesn't work out, be willing to move on and find greener pastures.

    What your ex says about you doesn't matter anymore. Any time you feel yourself slipping into self-doubt or thoughts that reinforce low self-worth, do the opposite. All this hard work is up to you. It's good to speak with your therapist about those kinds of thoughts and how you can overcome them.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I think you'll find yourself in a much healthier headspace for romantic connection when you can think of your past relationship as something that just didn't work out rather than the story of getting emotionally torqued by a narcissist. I'm not saying that to negate whatever happened, but just to stress that there is only so much comfort to be found in finding it through loaded diagnostic language.

    From your earlier posts, the impression I got is that the relationship was casual, blurry, immature, less than intentional—on both sides. Untangling from those dynamics can be tricky, since a lot of the time we kind of lie to ourselves to stay in them, putting up with iffy behavior, pretending to be "cool" with things we're not really cool with, including our own choices. In time, perhaps, you can see your time with your ex more in those lines—as something that wasn't as mature as you'd have liked, that didn't serve either of your mature sides, but that ultimately helped you understand a little clearer what it is you want from romance.

    This new dude? He's just a dude. It'll go where it goes. And if 3-5 dates with him ultimately reveals that you're not quite ready to date? No shame in that, no sabotaging. Just bad timing.

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