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Thread: dating new after dating a narcissist

  1. #11
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    I was curious if any of y'all had advice on getting past the lingering effects of dating a narcissist.
    First, stop diagnosing people when you have no qualifications to do so. You did this with your friend's BF as well. I also find it very inappropriate and unethical that your therapist would label someone without ever meeting them.

    That's not to say that the guy you were dating previously wasn't a selfish jerk.... I believe you when you say he was. At the end of the day, there is no magic fix to getting over the damage caused by a toxic relationship, however I can say that by allowing yourself time to feel your feelings, to grieve, and to reflect on why you chose to be in such a relationship in the first place, you will be able to make better decisions about future relationships.

  2. #12
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    If you do tell him I would do so simply and directly without gossip or psychoanalysis/diagnosing. "I'm really enjoying getting to know you! I might have jumped into dating a bit soon given a recent breakup so if it's ok I'd like to take things slowly."

    I think you can tell those negative thoughts to go take a hike and keep dating this guy -it's normal to feel somewhat insecure in general when you first meet someone you like and who has potential.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Excellent you blocked him. If you are ready to date, keep it light. Do not talk about an ex on dates.
    Originally Posted by youngnotdumb
    Yes, he's blocked and I feel great about never having to deal with him again.
    I was excited to start seeing this new guy, but when we're having fun conversations

  4. #14
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    If you do tell him I would do so simply and directly without gossip or psychoanalysis/diagnosing. "I'm really enjoying getting to know you! I might have jumped into dating a bit soon given a recent breakup so if it's ok I'd like to take things slowly."

    I think you can tell those negative thoughts to go take a hike and keep dating this guy -it's normal to feel somewhat insecure in general when you first meet someone you like and who has potential.
    At barely three dates in, she should not be dumping her personal issues, ex problems and insecurities on her new date. What does let's take it slow even mean? Nothing. Both people can set a pace that works for them, but it's done through actions and the power of NO. If she is already comfortable with the pace and the fact that the guy is not pushy, then there is nothing to say or do about that. If he asks for more and she is not ready, then all she has to do is say NO, let's do this instead for now.

    It really comes down to her working on herself, her insecurities, and her issues and NOT burdening anyone else with that. It's not the guy's responsibly to walk on eggshells around her because she has issues. It's on her to resolve her issues either while she is dating or by deciding that dating right now is counter productive to her journey of growth and healing.

    At the end of the day, OP, as easy as it is to blame your ex for your issues, the harsh reality is that his mean words resonate because they reflect deep down what you think about yourself. Your very own very poor self image and insecurities. If you were a confident person and secure in who you are, his mean words would sound a bit absurd to you and enough of an insult for you to send him packing after a few times he utters them. You wouldn't tolerate that, let alone take it on board as truth.

    The speed with which you are jumping into dating again while still not having sorted out yourself and where you are post break up, shows again a deep rooted insecurity and inability to stand on your own two feet and become your own person without leaning on someone else, which is what you are doing right now - setting up this new guy to be your next crutch. In fact, you are already putting him on a premature pedestal he is good, he is this or that. After three dates....you don't know jack about who or what he actually is.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I was married a N and for quite some time after I saw the boogeyman everywhere I went. I was hypervigilant, looking for all the signs and absolutley freaked out that I'd miss them. l did some pretty cringeworthy things that I thought would protect myself.

    What time taught me was that while I was only focused on someone I could trust, my energy was better spent on learning to trust myself. That takes time.

    People will disappoint and surprise you all the time. What matters here is that you trust that you have what it takes to roll with it, learn when to stay, when to walk and know that no matter what you'll be ok.

    If you are feeling fragile and so uncertain, you may not be ready. At the same time use dating as a learning experience. An exercize if you will. Relearn to listen to your intuition and learn to read people. But don't get involved too quickly or at all for the time being.
    Last edited by reinventmyself; 10-01-2020 at 01:52 PM.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Separate the two men because they're both individuals. They're not the same man.

    Don't create drama when there isn't any. Give this new guy a chance to prove he's a nice guy. You've mentioned that he's sweet, patient and great. Well then, let him be all that.

    Put the past narcissist guy in the past. He is history and should remain there. You have a new guy in your life so enjoy being with him. Stop dwelling on your ex-boyfriend because he does not matter anymore.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    At barely three dates in, she should not be dumping her personal issues, ex problems and insecurities on her new date. What does let's take it slow even mean? Nothing. Both people can set a pace that works for them, but it's done through actions and the power of NO. If she is already comfortable with the pace and the fact that the guy is not pushy, then there is nothing to say or do about that. If he asks for more and she is not ready, then all she has to do is say NO, let's do this instead for now.

    It really comes down to her working on herself, her insecurities, and her issues and NOT burdening anyone else with that. It's not the guy's responsibly to walk on eggshells around her because she has issues. It's on her to resolve her issues either while she is dating or by deciding that dating right now is counter productive to her journey of growth and healing.

    At the end of the day, OP, as easy as it is to blame your ex for your issues, the harsh reality is that his mean words resonate because they reflect deep down what you think about yourself. Your very own very poor self image and insecurities. If you were a confident person and secure in who you are, his mean words would sound a bit absurd to you and enough of an insult for you to send him packing after a few times he utters them. You wouldn't tolerate that, let alone take it on board as truth.

    The speed with which you are jumping into dating again while still not having sorted out yourself and where you are post break up, shows again a deep rooted insecurity and inability to stand on your own two feet and become your own person without leaning on someone else, which is what you are doing right now - setting up this new guy to be your next crutch. In fact, you are already putting him on a premature pedestal he is good, he is this or that. After three dates....you don't know jack about who or what he actually is.
    I didn't think what I suggested was dumping. Certainly she can say NO but he might read into it a lack of interest in him - and that's another awkward convo - so my approach would be tactfully and discreetly -without dumping -nip it in the bud. I agree she's moving too fast and overwhelming herself.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I didn't think what I suggested was dumping. Certainly she can say NO but he might read into it a lack of interest in him - and that's another awkward convo - so my approach would be tactfully and discreetly -without dumping -nip it in the bud. I agree she's moving too fast and overwhelming herself.
    Didn't think you were. Sorry if it came across that way. It was more directed to the OP that "take it slow" is really a pointless conversation. You either do it or you don't do it, it's not something you say as such because it's a meaningless phrase that implies, "I don't know how to conduct myself" and in practice usually works out as mouth and feet marching in opposite directions. For example, "I said that I want to take it slow and then we had sex. Will he/she call me in the morning?" I mean we see way too many threads like that here.

    As for him feeling rejected, I mean.... if you are happy with dates on weekends and he wants to set up one up during the week as well, it's easy enough to say, "hey I'd love to see you but I have this work project going on, so I'm only free on the weekends for now. Would love to do X with you on Saturday if you are free." It's tapping the brakes without being off putting. If that puts him off....honestly.....that relationship never had a chance to begin with. You don't want to date someone who will run away screaming because you said no to something or were busy.

    Overall though....if she is spending the date thinking about her ex (good or bad) or comparing the new guy with her ex, she really needs to take a time out from dating and actually just heal and get her feet back under her. It's all too raw and too fresh and doesn't lend itself to healthy judgment.

  10. #19
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    Hi, itís best to heal yourself before starting something new. You either without meaning to, end up comparing the new guy to the old guy. Or you look for a white knight to heal the wounds for you.

    Anyone can bandage your old wound but to find the right person itís best to fix what has cut deep beforehand.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member SooSad33's Avatar
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    my friends, family, and therapist have all helped me see what he is.
    break up with my ex back in May

    - I am concerned.. so soon getting into someone else, again.. so fast after you have even been in therapy... shows you are having some issue's.

    BUT I can also feel myself sabotaging this already. I'm almost expecting it to blow up. I can't explain it well, but I feel like I can almost hear my ex's voice in my head making me doubt everything. I don't want to ruin something before it can even start.

    - Then be honest, with him & yourself. That you just aren;t ready/ can't do this.

    Getting past your experience? Do not get involved again, for starters... continue your therapy to keep working on YOU and getting yourself back to good.. best you can.

    To get involved again- Is not what you need at this time in your life.
    Not sure why you feel you should start seeing someone again?

    Can you not take a good year or two at least and take care of just you? To be dependent is no good.

    Slow it all down.. focus on YOU. Not another partner. :/

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