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Thread: In law living opposite me

  1. #1
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    In law living opposite me

    Itís no secret. I am an introvert and donít like company. In doses.
    Husband is a good man. We spent a lot of money doing up our home. Moved into a good suburban place and great for kids too.

    I had to spend 9 months living at in-laws. Wasnít happy about this but there wasnít a choice as we wanted to free up money from previous home to do the refurb. We were living with them, they would visit our house project daily too. I appreciate they cooked, and gave us a roof over our heads but missed our own space. I really struggled with all this.

    In the process, a house opposite me two doors down comes on the market

    His younger brother is not short of money; works out of town and lived there but bought the house as a investment initially.

    Fast forward, we moved. Happy. March..Covid happened..he moved with wife and kids In April opposite as tenant vacated and he was all of a sudden working from home.

    Was supposed to be temporary as they bought a flat out of town. However; working from home allowed him to make the decision to stay suddenly. Plus she is expecting again.

    This came as a shock to me.

    This whole summer, we have had his parents coming over Ďrandomnlyí once a week unexpected. They donít stop at mine as they know Iím not very happy about them just turning up.

    His siblings have too, turned up often this summer gone as now there are ĎTwoí brothers living close by.

    The youngest across the road and his wife are welcoming, very family orientated. Always calling the parents over. In one week, there were 3 times they once came! Due to him persisting on them visiting him.

    Now that he has decided to live here rather than move, due to work allowing him post-Covid to work from home on a flexible basis, he has made the decision to stay.

    Thankfully at the moment there are restrictions and with winter looking, family is less likely to visit.

    My in-laws now live alone (previously he lived out of town but visited every fortnight and sued to stay weekends with him with his family)

    Now that he lives separate (across the road from me)..his parents are more likely to visit.

    I donít know how to accept or deal with this. I have had awful anxiety, and sometimes feel like the walls are closing in. I just canít seem to get away.

    Itís like my in-laws are forever going to be continuously around. Is that really bad? What should I do?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Install a house alarm that has a video of the front door. Keep the doors locked. Ask them to call prior to dropping in. If it's an inconvenient time, such as just getting out of the shower, whatever, simply don't answer the door. If they don't know it's rude to just drop by, you have to talk to them about calling first. Just be plain and polite about it.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Mara.

    Just to clarify.

    You spent nine months living with in-laws (your mother and father-in-law?) Or you lived nine months with the brother-in-law who now lives opposite you. This man is your husband's younger brother. His parents" are your parents in-law? Right?
    I can imagine you didn't find it easy not having your own space for those nine months, particularly if you are anxiety-prone.

    You mention:

    "I have had awful anxiety, and sometimes feel like the walls are closing in. I just canít seem to get away."


    Is this anxiety caused solely by the family living across from you and the prospect of them always being there. Or is it that you suffer from anxiety anyhow.

    You ask what should you do. It's a difficult one.

    I would suggest seeing a professional about your anxiety. You may feel more in charge of your feelings and how to deal with situations and people.

    You remark that you spent a lot of money doing up your home, which is in a good location for you and your children.
    So I can't say to you "move away".

    What does your husband have to say about the family situation? Maybe you need to have a sit-down talk with him about how you feel.

    Just to add that this "attached to family" situation has been ongoing (looking back on your previous threads).

    Could I add that severe anxiety has nothing to do with being introverted. Truly, as you were many times advised before, please see a professional to address your anxiety issues. Have you perhaps already seen a therapist/mental health professional?

    You said this(quite a while ago):

    "im tired of my mind working overtime trying to keep him from his family. im constantly on my toes. i cant relax."
    Last edited by LaHermes; 09-30-2020 at 10:43 AM.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    There are natural remedies to help with the pangs of anxiety. Change of diet is one of them. Bananas, yogurt, pumpkin seeds or pumpkin butter, turmeric, dark chocolate, fatty fish, chamomile, sleepy time tea, st.johns-wort. Avoid smoking, alcohol, junk food, caffeine.

    Exercise such as a daily walk during quiet times like early mornings or after dinner. Avoid watching the news, or too much time on the computer.

    Get a dog. People use dogs to help with anxiety, and other mental health issues.

    Find other relaxing activities such as gardening, reading a book,baking, etc

    These are very simple things you can do to help without any real cost, and is Covid safe.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    This from last year when a poster asked about the possibility of renting for those months while your house was being refurbished. You said:

    "getting a rental is not a option as this would upset our families. it would create tension and make it obvious that 'i' don't want to live with anyone."

    Yet, you did not stay with your mother/parents (instead of with your husband's family) and said that your mother "did not want you there".
    There is much that needs to be addressed, Maara. And as soon as possible.

    You once said:

    "i had a difficult childhood, and it wasn't easy for me. my relations with my family are much better now, but i guess the scars are there."

    All the more reason to start seeing a professional as soon as possible and as often as possible. I note you live in the U.K. Check this out:

    [Register to see the link]

    Is there some reason you are reluctant to see a professional? As in "what will people/family say or think".
    Last edited by LaHermes; 09-30-2020 at 11:28 AM.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    This is nothing to do with his family, who have been amazingly gracious and helpful to you. This is about your lack of mental health and something you need to deal with. Your anxiety and attitudes have nothing to do with being an introvert. I really don't know why you don't aggressively pursue professional mental health help because it cannot be fun to live inside of your head like that all the time, consumed with fear, anxiety, discomfort, and plotting how to get your husband away from family.

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    I agree with seeing a therapist. I think your husband needs to address the boundaries here too - and actually, mostly. It's fine that you're not comfortable with them just stopping by.

    I also have issues with your passivity and seeming sense of entitlement - look, you have the good fortune to have the funds to build a home. To have parents willing to help you save tons of $ by living with them long term. Your brother in law's housing plans are none of your business. Nor are his and his wife's decisions about family planning or how they choose to interact with family. You have no say in this. You only have a say in your own home and who comes and when -to an extent. Your inlaws are the grandparents (not sure if you have kids -or want to?? ) -they are your husband's parents. As a practical matter they probably get to visit your home once in awhile. Talk to your husband but also get the help you need so that the boundaries you suggest are reasonable and not your phobia/panic talking.

    I am sorry you are having a hard time!

  9. #8
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    This is nothing to do with his family, who have been amazingly gracious and helpful to you. This is about your lack of mental health and something you need to deal with. Your anxiety and attitudes have nothing to do with being an introvert. I really don't know why you don't aggressively pursue professional mental health help because it cannot be fun to live inside of your head like that all the time, consumed with fear, anxiety, discomfort, and plotting how to get your husband away from family.
    I agree with this ^^^ you need to get some help for yourself.

  10. #9
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    Why aren't you seeking professional help?

  11. #10
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Agree with all of the above. This is about you, first and foremost OP and the need for you to deal with your social anxiety. As an introvert I can understand the need for alone time, but to blame your social anxiety on being introverted does other introverts a disservice.

    The more you allow this anxiety to control your life, the more you will wall yourself in.

    At the end of the day you can choose to struggle with it or you can choose to surrender control and seek some outside help.

    Edited to add: after reading your other posts here, I can see this has been a long standing issue with you not wanting his family around. Whether you like it or not, he is close to his family and HE wants them around, and if you continue to use your anxiety to try and control him you will destroy your relationship.

    That all being said... if you simply cannot be happy with a man who wants to see his family all the time, perhaps you should consider that you aren't compatible with this person and that you either need to be single and independent, or to be with someone that isn't close to their family.

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