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Thread: In law living opposite me

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Very sorry to hear this. It sounds incredibly uncomfortable and uneasy. I think I understand what you mean about feeling anxious and then frustrated and it's a cycle that keeps repeating itself because it's not the outcome (peace and quiet) that you're hoping instead to have.

    I'm wondering if it's possible to change those expectations as the living situation and neighbour situation seems to have changed overall. I'd be upset with people coming over constantly especially unannounced (I value my quiet and peace). There are some evenings I leave my phone in my work bag and don't look for it at all till the next morning. There's nothing worse than being bombarded and I don't think everyone experiences that sense of urgency or dependency that others have on each other. Different people are different or respond differently anyway.

    Create more boundaries, change your expectations overall. If they're there to stay, you have to somehow catch up with the times and accept that this is your street just as it is anyone else's who chooses to live on it. It is your home too so don't be afraid to create more boundaries and don't shy away from being firm and polite about what you'd want/prefer instead. People won't knock you for having reasonable requests but your in-laws and family will be quick to pick up if you're acting out of sorts or being inappropriate or trying to isolate yourself from them. Hope this helps.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I've been married for a long time and fortunately (or unfortunately), my in-laws (MIL & FIL mother & father-in-law) and relatives reside locally. Fortunately, we know our boundaries with each other and none of us feel smothered.

    As with your situation, because you received free room and board from your in-laws, nothing in life is truly free. There is a cost and price to pay such as always feeling beholden to them and much obliged. In other words, you are forever indebted to them.

    Change the way you think. Long ago, I was anxious because I was uncomfortable with my in-laws. My in-laws have always been monetarily generous with my immediate family because they have very deep pockets. They are extremely affluent. They are the matriarch and patriarch of the clan.

    What you need to do is practice good diplomacy. Be reasonable with having them at your house for dinner once in a while just to maintain peace and good will. Dinner doesn't have to be fancy nor always homemade either. Do what you can because you owe them a depth of gratitude to house and feed you during your time of need and now it's your turn to habitually reciprocate. They are older than you . Be respectful and it's because of them, you are blessed with a fine husband. They raised him and gave a good husband to you. Feel incredibly blessed, fortunate and thank your lucky stars.

    Strike a deal with them. Tell them that you will gladly have them at your house once in a while for dinner (or tea and refreshments) as long as they do not arrive at your doorstep unannounced. Ask them for the courtesy of calling or texting you first, schedule your date with them (within reason such as once a month) and see if you can work a compromise with them. Also, defer to your husband and have him make the arrangements. Be a good sport. Don't be a party pooper.

    Your in-laws are older. You will outlive them. You don't want feelings of remorse and regret when they're dead and gone. Life is too short. Be happy. Feel grateful to them and you will transform your anxiety into gratitude and humility. Be humble. Be very thankful to them.

    Change the way you think and you will feel secure and become a happier person. I was once you. Practice good diplomacy. That's the advice my mother gave me years ago.

    Someday, when you're old or older, you will understand how your in-laws feel. They have less time on this Earth than you do. When you and your husband become parents someday, you'll understand even more than you do now. You can have boundaries, reason, compromise, happiness and compassion simultaneously. Work out a happy medium for everyone. Peace and harmony are important.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    You and your spouse have to come to a consensus and take each others feelings in to consideration. I have a feeling you would be more comfortable with set timelines for get-togethers versus the willy-nilly approach. Perhaps say that the first Sunday of the month, or every other month, could be when you host a dinner or pot-luck. Having a set day will perhaps let your mind relax, and will set a routine that you will expect and get used to. Because you do have to make some sacrifices to please your husband and he has to consider your feelings and change up how he'd normally do things if he was single.

    Of course, you need to be flexible when it comes to birthdays and holidays. You might even want to change it up now and then and do something extra one-on-one with your MIL. Making an effort will show them you want them in your lives, but in a more regimented manner. I know I have my plan for the day, and I wouldn't want people dropping in unexpectedly. It did happen to me now and then with my in-laws until they moved an hour and a half away, and now my mother-in-law passed last March. Take care.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    I have trouble following. You write:
    This whole summer, we have had his parents coming over Ďrandomnlyí once a week unexpected. They donít stop at mine as they know Iím not very happy about them just turning up.
    Who is 'we,' because if they don't stop at yours, what's the issue?

    Do you believe that it would be better to have strangers you know nothing about living near you rather than people you know are kind and not axe murderers?

    I'm not being dismissive, I'm just not clear about how often any of these people show up at your home.

    Can you clarify?

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    I have trouble following. You write:


    Who is 'we,' because if they don't stop at yours, what's the issue?

    Do you believe that it would be better to have strangers you know nothing about living near you rather than people you know are kind and not axe murderers?

    I'm not being dismissive, I'm just not clear about how often any of these people show up at your home.

    Can you clarify?
    I'd be interested in some clarification myself. I'm an introvert. Introversion has nothing to do with who gathers at whose place across the street. There are no boundaries to set nor any feelings you or your husband need to consider if other grown adults are doing as they please peacefully in their own homes or property.

    With respect to how much it must suck to live with such anxiety, and assuming I'm inferring the context correctly, this really is a "you" problem I wouldn't take shortcuts in addressing professionally.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Are your husband's parents showing up at your house several times a week without being invited?

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