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Thread: Dead bedroom since pandemic and moving in together - HELP!

  1. #1
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    Dead bedroom since pandemic and moving in together - HELP!

    Iíve posted about this before to reddit, but pretty much everyone there is telling me to leave.

    Basically, my girlfriend and I have been dating for 2 and a half years now. Sheís 20 and Iím 22. Up until the pandemic started, I was happy with the amount of sex we were having for the most part. We had and still have a good relationship with good communication and honesty outside of this area, and are still very affectionate.

    Then, we moved in and the pandemic started. Weíre together all the time as she works from home and Iím looking for work, and she says the pandemic has hit her libido hard.


    Itís been 6 months of much less sex than Iím happy with, and weíve currently gone almost 5 weeks sexless. Part of that has been the way Iíve been reacting to it. I know she must feel a lot of pressure to have sex with me given how itís been affecting me, and that pressure is additionally affecting her libido.


    I donít know what to do or how to feel. I had a big talk with her about it last week explaining to her that we wonít be together long term if this continues, and she sounded more committed to working on this as Iíve now made aware to her the seriousness of it. Sheís much more intent on making me smile, seeing how Iím feeling, and has given me a quick blowjob here or there this week.


    I simply donít know though. Lots of people in r/deadbedrooms and r/sex say Iím way too young to be dealing with this and just to walk, but I feel like I donít want to leave until I could say there was no way things could work out, and we havenít exhausted all of our options.

    I donít know what to do. How long to wait for things to change. When to leave if I ought to. I just want to know what to do.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    EDIT: see you've expanded you post. Will give a read...

  3. #3
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    Yeah sorry, I accidentally pressed send too early!

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    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    well... you are young and there are plenty of fish in the sea. but on the other hand, if she's having an issue, isn't it worth it to try to fix it before you throw in the towel? Especially, if everything else seems good.

    when you talked to her, you must have known how you feel. or else what could you say?

    Did you try asking what you can do to support her? what's going on with her? to just say the pandemic hit her libido is a big generalization. in what way? is she depressed? is she unsure of the future? has moving in together changed your relationship? are you turning her off in some way?

    I would take time to be honest with yourself. how do you feel? is this a deal breaker? What do you want to happen? What do you need?

    Once you understand how you feel, you can then turn it to understanding how she feels, what she needs and what she wants to happen.

    you take those things and find the common ground, what you can do, what she can do, how you can compromise. if you can compromise and do things to fix.

    This takes a lot of honesty and communication. it stands to reason if you both want to fix it and both do the things you commit to, you have a pretty great relationship and its in your best interests to fix.

    all relationships are great until they're not. Sometimes people just expect everything to be perfect, as that's the sign you're meant for each other. but that's not really true.

    long lasting relationships are the product of a lot work, fixing things with equal effort towards shared goals...

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    I agree you are way too young to be dealing with this. Yes the pandemic affects all of us differently.

    Only you know when you've had enough of your situation. If you feel it's over, then you should leave. Dont ever stay with someone you dont want to be with. You may be seeing the real her now that you are living together in stressful times.

    Also, she is incredibly young to be in such a situation too. The odds of you two being together long term are not great simply because of your ages and maturity levels.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    First off you never want a woman to have sex with you or give you a bj out of some sense of duty. They should want as much as you do so stop letting her service you to keep you happy.

    My question is: Why has her sex drive dropped off so much? What about the pandemic has caused this? I would guess there is more to this than the pandemic.

    Basically what I am telling you is stop making this about you and your needs and help her feel safe so she can express how she is feeling and if needed encourage her to go see her doctor. Stress can do crazy things to the human body.

    If she had cancer and didn't feel like having sex as often would you leave her?

    Your gf needs support and help, not ultimatums.

    Lost

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by Lambert
    well... you are young and there are plenty of fish in the sea. but on the other hand, if she's having an issue, isn't it worth it to try to fix it before you throw in the towel? Especially, if everything else seems good.

    when you talked to her, you must have known how you feel. or else what could you say?

    Did you try asking what you can do to support her? what's going on with her? to just say the pandemic hit her libido is a big generalization. in what way? is she depressed? is she unsure of the future? has moving in together changed your relationship? are you turning her off in some way?

    I would take time to be honest with yourself. how do you feel? is this a deal breaker? What do you want to happen? What do you need?

    Once you understand how you feel, you can then turn it to understanding how she feels, what she needs and what she wants to happen.

    you take those things and find the common ground, what you can do, what she can do, how you can compromise. if you can compromise and do things to fix.

    This takes a lot of honesty and communication. it stands to reason if you both want to fix it and both do the things you commit to, you have a pretty great relationship and its in your best interests to fix.

    all relationships are great until they're not. Sometimes people just expect everything to be perfect, as that's the sign you're meant for each other. but that's not really true.

    long lasting relationships are the product of a lot work, fixing things with equal effort towards shared goals...


    Lambert:

    Thank you for your reply. Honestly, weíve talked about this a lot and Iíve not been very good with my communication. A sizeable portion of our dead bedroom for most of the 6 months has been from my reactions putting pressure on her, she says. I told her Iíd want to have sex a certain number of times per week, and sheíd feel pressured to conform to it.

    I tried to ask her what about the pandemic is affecting her, and she was saying although sheís not entirely sure, she does feel like doesnít get to do a lot of things she would really enjoy doing (such as going to things like musicals) and being as social as sheíd like to. Our previous biggest dry spell was during exams were she spent most of her time all day in her bedroom studying in her pajamas and watching shows, which bares close resemblance to our lives now.

    She doesnít feel like sheís depressed. She doesnít seem particularly more sad than usual to me. She is largely her normal happy self. Weíve also moved in with her parents but she said sheís absolutely sure that that factor isnít affecting her.

    To be honest with myself, I donít know how I feel. I know Iím wanting sex and not getting it. Iíve definitely been happier, but we are still great, nurturing companions to eachother and I canít tell if my unhappiness is because of the relationship or everything going on around the world. Probably both - but I canít tell which is a greater part.

    This will eventually be a dealbreaker for me if it never improves. I need her to work on figuring out what we can do to improve things for her libido. She says she has no clue other than hoping things improve after the pandemic is over.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Move out. Is she supporting you? Living together and playing house kills things. Also she doesn't "owe" you sex or bjs, contrary to the reddit red pill/manosphere groups you've been reading.

    Move Out. Get a job. That's the solution. This has nothing to do with covid. It has to do with the tedium of playing house, the boredom and your unemployment.
    Originally Posted by genji12
    Iíve posted about this before to reddit

    Sheís 20, we moved in. Weíre together all the time as she works from home and Iím looking for work.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by lostandhurt
    First off you never want a woman to have sex with you or give you a bj out of some sense of duty. They should want as much as you do so stop letting her service you to keep you happy.

    My question is: Why has her sex drive dropped off so much? What about the pandemic has caused this? I would guess there is more to this than the pandemic.

    Basically what I am telling you is stop making this about you and your needs and help her feel safe so she can express how she is feeling and if needed encourage her to go see her doctor. Stress can do crazy things to the human body.

    If she had cancer and didn't feel like having sex as often would you leave her?

    Your gf needs support and help, not ultimatums.

    Lost



    Lost,

    Thank you for your reply. I have trouble seeing past my immaturity, I admit. My response to Lambert touches upon your question regarding what about the pandemic do we think is affecting her libido.

    My communication has been frequent and poor to her. How do I do this better? How do I make her feel safe and supported?

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Move out. Is she supporting you? Living together and playing house kills things. Also she doesn't "owe" you sex or bjs, contrary to the reddit red pill/manosphere groups you've been reading.

    Move Out. Get a job. That's the solution. This has nothing to do with covid. It has to do with the tedium of playing house, the boredom and your unemployment.

    Wiseman2,

    This is definitely a plausible reason, but in the long run we have to be able to live together. How is this a sustainable option? Sheís not supporting my financially, but moving out would require paying much more in rent. And I donít feel like Iím owed bjís or anything, although I do welcome them. I didnít ask for them when she gave me them.

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