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Dead bedroom since pandemic and moving in together - HELP!


genji12

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I’ve posted about this before to reddit, but pretty much everyone there is telling me to leave.

 

Basically, my girlfriend and I have been dating for 2 and a half years now. She’s 20 and I’m 22. Up until the pandemic started, I was happy with the amount of sex we were having for the most part. We had and still have a good relationship with good communication and honesty outside of this area, and are still very affectionate.

 

Then, we moved in and the pandemic started. We’re together all the time as she works from home and I’m looking for work, and she says the pandemic has hit her libido hard.

 

 

It’s been 6 months of much less sex than I’m happy with, and we’ve currently gone almost 5 weeks sexless. Part of that has been the way I’ve been reacting to it. I know she must feel a lot of pressure to have sex with me given how it’s been affecting me, and that pressure is additionally affecting her libido.

 

 

I don’t know what to do or how to feel. I had a big talk with her about it last week explaining to her that we won’t be together long term if this continues, and she sounded more committed to working on this as I’ve now made aware to her the seriousness of it. She’s much more intent on making me smile, seeing how I’m feeling, and has given me a quick blowjob here or there this week.

 

 

I simply don’t know though. Lots of people in r/deadbedrooms and r/sex say I’m way too young to be dealing with this and just to walk, but I feel like I don’t want to leave until I could say there was no way things could work out, and we haven’t exhausted all of our options.

 

I don’t know what to do. How long to wait for things to change. When to leave if I ought to. I just want to know what to do.

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well... you are young and there are plenty of fish in the sea. but on the other hand, if she's having an issue, isn't it worth it to try to fix it before you throw in the towel? Especially, if everything else seems good.

 

when you talked to her, you must have known how you feel. or else what could you say?

 

Did you try asking what you can do to support her? what's going on with her? to just say the pandemic hit her libido is a big generalization. in what way? is she depressed? is she unsure of the future? has moving in together changed your relationship? are you turning her off in some way?

 

I would take time to be honest with yourself. how do you feel? is this a deal breaker? What do you want to happen? What do you need?

 

Once you understand how you feel, you can then turn it to understanding how she feels, what she needs and what she wants to happen.

 

you take those things and find the common ground, what you can do, what she can do, how you can compromise. if you can compromise and do things to fix.

 

This takes a lot of honesty and communication. it stands to reason if you both want to fix it and both do the things you commit to, you have a pretty great relationship and its in your best interests to fix.

 

all relationships are great until they're not. Sometimes people just expect everything to be perfect, as that's the sign you're meant for each other. but that's not really true.

 

long lasting relationships are the product of a lot work, fixing things with equal effort towards shared goals...

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I agree you are way too young to be dealing with this. Yes the pandemic affects all of us differently.

 

Only you know when you've had enough of your situation. If you feel it's over, then you should leave. Dont ever stay with someone you dont want to be with. You may be seeing the real her now that you are living together in stressful times.

 

Also, she is incredibly young to be in such a situation too. The odds of you two being together long term are not great simply because of your ages and maturity levels.

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First off you never want a woman to have sex with you or give you a bj out of some sense of duty. They should want as much as you do so stop letting her service you to keep you happy.

 

My question is: Why has her sex drive dropped off so much? What about the pandemic has caused this? I would guess there is more to this than the pandemic.

 

Basically what I am telling you is stop making this about you and your needs and help her feel safe so she can express how she is feeling and if needed encourage her to go see her doctor. Stress can do crazy things to the human body.

 

If she had cancer and didn't feel like having sex as often would you leave her?

 

Your gf needs support and help, not ultimatums.

 

Lost

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well... you are young and there are plenty of fish in the sea. but on the other hand, if she's having an issue, isn't it worth it to try to fix it before you throw in the towel? Especially, if everything else seems good.

 

when you talked to her, you must have known how you feel. or else what could you say?

 

Did you try asking what you can do to support her? what's going on with her? to just say the pandemic hit her libido is a big generalization. in what way? is she depressed? is she unsure of the future? has moving in together changed your relationship? are you turning her off in some way?

 

I would take time to be honest with yourself. how do you feel? is this a deal breaker? What do you want to happen? What do you need?

 

Once you understand how you feel, you can then turn it to understanding how she feels, what she needs and what she wants to happen.

 

you take those things and find the common ground, what you can do, what she can do, how you can compromise. if you can compromise and do things to fix.

 

This takes a lot of honesty and communication. it stands to reason if you both want to fix it and both do the things you commit to, you have a pretty great relationship and its in your best interests to fix.

 

all relationships are great until they're not. Sometimes people just expect everything to be perfect, as that's the sign you're meant for each other. but that's not really true.

 

long lasting relationships are the product of a lot work, fixing things with equal effort towards shared goals...

 

 

 

Lambert:

 

Thank you for your reply. Honestly, we’ve talked about this a lot and I’ve not been very good with my communication. A sizeable portion of our dead bedroom for most of the 6 months has been from my reactions putting pressure on her, she says. I told her I’d want to have sex a certain number of times per week, and she’d feel pressured to conform to it.

 

I tried to ask her what about the pandemic is affecting her, and she was saying although she’s not entirely sure, she does feel like doesn’t get to do a lot of things she would really enjoy doing (such as going to things like musicals) and being as social as she’d like to. Our previous biggest dry spell was during exams were she spent most of her time all day in her bedroom studying in her pajamas and watching shows, which bares close resemblance to our lives now.

 

She doesn’t feel like she’s depressed. She doesn’t seem particularly more sad than usual to me. She is largely her normal happy self. We’ve also moved in with her parents but she said she’s absolutely sure that that factor isn’t affecting her.

 

To be honest with myself, I don’t know how I feel. I know I’m wanting sex and not getting it. I’ve definitely been happier, but we are still great, nurturing companions to eachother and I can’t tell if my unhappiness is because of the relationship or everything going on around the world. Probably both - but I can’t tell which is a greater part.

 

This will eventually be a dealbreaker for me if it never improves. I need her to work on figuring out what we can do to improve things for her libido. She says she has no clue other than hoping things improve after the pandemic is over.

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Move out. Is she supporting you? Living together and playing house kills things. Also she doesn't "owe" you sex or bjs, contrary to the reddit red pill/manosphere groups you've been reading.

 

Move Out. Get a job. That's the solution. This has nothing to do with covid. It has to do with the tedium of playing house, the boredom and your unemployment.

I’ve posted about this before to reddit

 

She’s 20, we moved in. We’re together all the time as she works from home and I’m looking for work.

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First off you never want a woman to have sex with you or give you a bj out of some sense of duty. They should want as much as you do so stop letting her service you to keep you happy.

 

My question is: Why has her sex drive dropped off so much? What about the pandemic has caused this? I would guess there is more to this than the pandemic.

 

Basically what I am telling you is stop making this about you and your needs and help her feel safe so she can express how she is feeling and if needed encourage her to go see her doctor. Stress can do crazy things to the human body.

 

If she had cancer and didn't feel like having sex as often would you leave her?

 

Your gf needs support and help, not ultimatums.

 

Lost

 

 

 

 

Lost,

 

Thank you for your reply. I have trouble seeing past my immaturity, I admit. My response to Lambert touches upon your question regarding what about the pandemic do we think is affecting her libido.

 

My communication has been frequent and poor to her. How do I do this better? How do I make her feel safe and supported?

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Move out. Is she supporting you? Living together and playing house kills things. Also she doesn't "owe" you sex or bjs, contrary to the reddit red pill/manosphere groups you've been reading.

 

Move Out. Get a job. That's the solution. This has nothing to do with covid. It has to do with the tedium of playing house, the boredom and your unemployment.

 

 

Wiseman2,

 

This is definitely a plausible reason, but in the long run we have to be able to live together. How is this a sustainable option? She’s not supporting my financially, but moving out would require paying much more in rent. And I don’t feel like I’m owed bj’s or anything, although I do welcome them. I didn’t ask for them when she gave me them.

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It sounds to me like there is a pattern i.e. stressful situations like exams and the pandemic affect her libido. Imo, you are going to run into that problem again and again whenever some stressful situation comes up. Imo, you need to decide whether you are ok with this happening from time to time, given that life IS bound to include stressful situations.

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It sounds to me like there is a pattern i.e. stressful situations like exams and the pandemic affect her libido. Imo, you are going to run into that problem again and again whenever some stressful situation comes up. Imo, you need to decide whether you are ok with this happening from time to time, given that life IS bound to include stressful situations.

 

 

If they didn’t typically last this long, and we recovered fully after, I’d be fine with that happening from time to time. Hopefully this pandemic is unique in how long it affects her.

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Both of you are in a rut. I don't think it's going to work if you're already turning to other people who tell you to have one foot out the door. Forget all that negativity if you're going to put your heart and soul into making this work. You're split into too many parts and end up being a rotten and confused partner overall. This is just a suggestion, mind you. I don't mean to to say that your friends don't have your best interests. I think that you, deep down, need to come to your own conclusion, not be a jerk about it and stick to what you believe in.

 

If you're in the relationship for more than just sex or sharing the rent, then behave more like it. Ease up on the need for sex and bond in other ways - go out for walks together, cook for each other, heck, even shower together (simply appreciate each others' bodies - what happened to foreplay?) or find little ways to connect and share parts of yourself. Do you leave little love notes? What made you fall in love with each other in the first place? Put a stop to all the irritable emotions and taking things out on each other.

 

You also need to find employment. Work on yourself and don't sabotage the relationship because you may be frustrated with other areas of your life. Make up your mind whether this is a person you see yourself with in the long term and don't mistreat each other.

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Lost,

 

Thank you for your reply. I have trouble seeing past my immaturity, I admit. My response to Lambert touches upon your question regarding what about the pandemic do we think is affecting her libido.

 

My communication has been frequent and poor to her. How do I do this better? How do I make her feel safe and supported?

 

You are wise to admit you are immature and have not handled this as well as you could have so that is a very good thing on your part. Your youth and inexperience are showing but you should not be to hard on yourself, there are guys in their fifties that still haven't figured it out.

 

What do you do.

 

First off sit down with her and apologize for putting pressure on her to be intimate when she is not feeling it.

 

Next tell her that you love her ( I assume you do love each other) and that you want to be supportive and helpful as she figures out the loss of her libido.

Men tend to be fixers and so the urge you might have is to fix this so things get back to normal but fight that urge and work together to learn about what is going on and why the pandemic is affecting her in this way. If she feels you are on her side and want what is best for her then you will take that stress off of her and she will feel safer.

 

Encourage her to make an appointment with her doctor and let her know that she needs to be totally honest with the doctor so they can help. Many times your MD can help or refer you to someone who can so she can either start with her MD or her Gynecologist.

 

The number one thing is for you to put yourself last in all this and help her feel loved and safe.

 

There is one more thing: I am not blaming you are throwing shade on you but I do need to ask. Are you selfish in the bedroom or do you make sure you do all you can do to pleasure her before you finish? I am not saying if you are selfish between the sheets it caused this but if you are and this begins to get worked out you need to make sure from now on you rock her world every time so she will always want you more and more. Trust me on this for the rest of your life, if you pleasure a woman like you don't care if you get yours and all you care about is her pleasure only you will have a woman that will lead you to the bedroom very frequently.

 

Many men your age would not have reached out for help but you did. Feel good about that.

 

Lost

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As she should. Your sexual needs should not overshadow her need to study for her profession. You need to work on getting a job, any job and staying busy. If you think living together entitles you to bjs/sex and she needs to stop studying because you a happen to get horny, then you need to move back home and start supporting yourself.

Our previous biggest dry spell was during exams were she spent most of her time all day in her bedroom studying
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For alot of people living through this pandemic transelates into a loss of alot of freedom, a loss of healthy outlets. A loss of social circles. Some have had to give up their jobs or working from home feels very isolating.

 

There is a thread on this site for Covid support. Take a moment to read about the amount of anxiety and depression people are experiencing.

 

I can tell you that it's affecting my libido. Not to the degree that you describe, but the world has pretty much tilted on it's access and you can't expect everything to remain exactly the way it was.

 

Having just moved in together, the amount of time you are now spending together. . it's a huge adjustment.

 

It requires you to more flexible and understanding. The same is required of her.

The amount of pressure you described, coupled with the state of everything is bound to create a tense enviroment. I understand her desire to pull away.

 

The best thing you can do at the moment is to take sex off the table. She should be willing to meet you half way, but that isn't possible when you are doing all the pursuing and complaining. It will require you to have some faith and patience. If your relationship is stable, she will want to come to you. But she can't do that if you don't give her that chance.

 

I understand you have needs, but what you are doing isn't working. Do something different.

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OK....going to give you some female perspective here.

 

First of all, do NOT ever tell a woman she needs to see a doctor just because she doesn't want to have sex with you. You want to wreck what's left of your relationship? That's a really good way to do it. She isn't broken, she is not feeling romantic or sexy or sexual? Why?

 

This is where your youth and inexperience and immaturity come in - nobody owes you sex any number of times ever. Period. So it's not a demand you make or conversation you have with a partner who just moved in. She is not a prostitute with a job to pleasure you x times per week, but you actually spoke to her and treated her that way. Nothing kills a libido more than that kind of entitled tone death behavior. So how do you fix that?

 

Back off. Focus on finding a job and paying bills, because right now, that stress and pressure is on her. When I say back off and give her some real breathing room I don't mean forever, I mean temporarily, but be genuine. No mopping, no selfish whining about your needs. Instead, if you actually want to rekindle sexy time then after some backing off, start up on the romance part again. Cook a romantic meal AND clean it up too, but no expectations for more from her. Let her actually relax and enjoy without expecting payback in sexy time. Draw a nice bath. Give her a backrub. Go out for a drive or a hike and pack a picnic on the weekend. My point is that do these nice things without trying to hump her and you'll find that her libido returns because the not trying to hump her is what will make her feel safe and like you care about her as a human being as opposed to just being entitled to her body like it's an inflatable doll for you. Got it?

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OK....going to give you some female perspective here.

 

First of all, do NOT ever tell a woman she needs to see a doctor just because she doesn't want to have sex with you. You want to wreck what's left of your relationship? That's a really good way to do it. She isn't broken, she is not feeling romantic or sexy or sexual? Why?

 

Yes, this. The whole attitude that there is something "wrong" with her and she needs to be "fixed" in order to meet your needs (or rather, wants) is what's going to make things worse.

 

This is not about the pandemic. For every woman who has "lost her libido" there is a man in the relationship that she simply has no desire for. You have to make her want to. And you can definitely start by getting a job, as at least one other poster has suggested, because unemployed men are not sexy.

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Lambert:

 

Thank you for your reply. Honestly, we’ve talked about this a lot and I’ve not been very good with my communication. A sizeable portion of our dead bedroom for most of the 6 months has been from my reactions putting pressure on her, she says. I told her I’d want to have sex a certain number of times per week, and she’d feel pressured to conform to it.

 

I tried to ask her what about the pandemic is affecting her, and she was saying although she’s not entirely sure, she does feel like doesn’t get to do a lot of things she would really enjoy doing (such as going to things like musicals) and being as social as she’d like to. Our previous biggest dry spell was during exams were she spent most of her time all day in her bedroom studying in her pajamas and watching shows, which bares close resemblance to our lives now.

 

She doesn’t feel like she’s depressed. She doesn’t seem particularly more sad than usual to me. She is largely her normal happy self. We’ve also moved in with her parents but she said she’s absolutely sure that that factor isn’t affecting her.

 

To be honest with myself, I don’t know how I feel. I know I’m wanting sex and not getting it. I’ve definitely been happier, but we are still great, nurturing companions to eachother and I can’t tell if my unhappiness is because of the relationship or everything going on around the world. Probably both - but I can’t tell which is a greater part.

 

This will eventually be a dealbreaker for me if it never improves. I need her to work on figuring out what we can do to improve things for her libido. She says she has no clue other than hoping things improve after the pandemic is over.

 

I agree with the other advice to back way off on sex and don't suggest a doc just yet..... But also tell her, I'm sorry if I come off as a horn dog. But I love our sex life and I miss being close to you like that. Tell her you are willing to wait till she feels better. Do the cuddles and back rubs and other romantic but not sexual things... If she's willing please her and don't expect it back.

 

I respect that you know you are immature. She is, too. Our brains don't fully develop until maybe 25+.

 

And that's ok. You can still have a great relationship and connection. Putting her first may go a long way to fixing this. I hope this never happens, but you could be the one that has trouble in that dept. Wouldn't you like to have a partner that doesn't pressure you, but loves you through it?

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Too much time spent together, your not having a job while she works and supports both of you, lack of social life - total passion killer.

She gave you an answer that points in the direction of the truth, but like most women she's been raised to be nice and not hurt your feelings. Translated to male language, her 'due to COVID' reply would be something like 'I am fed up of having you around all the time, you sleep till 10 while I wake up early to work, your pouting like a baby when you don't get a bj. You might at least wash the dishes, or cook me dinner, !'

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You're out of work, and now all of the financial pressures are on her. And everything is closed, you can't see friends. So, I have no idea how she can just light up for you. This pandemic has messed with everyone.

 

Everything great you've known is not the same. You need to redate. Romance. Pitch in more so with housework, laundry, cooking, getting groceries. If you are already doing this, do you ever make her feel guilty about it?

 

This is pretty much how it has been for my hubs: https://www.facebook.com/treynkennedy/videos/220396949248893

 

If you want the sex to come back, stop stressing her out about it. Be loving, not demeaning about her anxiety from the pandemic. This is a crazy situation, and you are not the only couple going through this insanity.

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Sex, is an intimate thing... and if there is too much pressure to 'give or perform', can surely make things more difficult.

 

Are you two maybe too much in each others space? To where there is no real breathing space?

If she agreed to move in with you- I hope it wasn't 'forced' too much?

 

You should each feel free to do your own thing (hang with friends, go out, do a hobby) AND be able to do things together.

 

A relationship will get testy at times.. you should hopefully work through them.

You need to be able to communicate, trust, give & take etc.

 

I would give this some more time.. considering how things changed for the two of you in this last year.

IF you really feel the love for her, maybe don't threaten to walk away... give her time & see where it goes.

 

And hopefully she will 'give willingly', and come around.

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This is where you learn more about being a decent man and not a horny teenager. A decent man, would try his best to understand his girlfriend, help de-stress her in non sexual ways.

Take care of her, listen to her and be there for her without pressuring her.

 

You telling her that you can't see you and she together long term if she doesn't put out, is quite frankly, shameful behavior.

 

Yes, you're young, yes, you've got high libido, but you're not a walking penis, nor should you be. Your girlfriend is a living, breathing human being who is not coping well with the pandemic, and you know what? THAT'S OKAY. Many aren't coping well. It is a highly stressful situation and there is still no end in sight.

I think most people at one point or the other have been on edge with everything. After all, it's not everyday over a million people worldwide die due to a virus that's infecting more and more.

 

There are also going to be times in your relationship and in your marriage (should you ever marry one day) where things aren't so rosey. You'll run into rough waters due to stress, finances, family. illness, or what have you.

That's normal. It happens to every single couple. And depending on how stressful the situation you or your partner may be going through, it could last months.

That's your cue to step up and be a loving and supportive man who tries his best to not only understand, but to genuinely loves his partner through all the good times AND bad times.

 

To be honest, putting pressure on someone for sex is selfish, especially if you know why she's not herself or is not doing well.

 

It would be different if she was just being difficult, or had no interest in you anymore due to other reasons, like maybe she fell out of love with you, or if she was punishing you to be cruel, etc.

But this woman is not doing any of those things. She is struggling mental health wise and she needs a man who understands and helps her, not makes it worse.

 

Have you suggested to her that she should see a counsellor? Tell her that you'll drive her there and stay with her. Have you talked to her and listened to what she is worrying about without judgement, without criticism...just literally listened and let her know she's not alone?

 

Love is many things, but sometimes it's loving your partner in the worst of times and placing your needs on the shelf until they are better.

 

If you're not willing to work through this with her or be what she needs right now, then it is best you let her go. But I think you're being very unreasonable not understanding and not supporting her the way she needs to be supported right now.

 

After all, you can take care of your own needs for the time being.

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Hopefully you won’t have to make the decision to leave her and that she actually leaves you.

 

You have told her you will leave her if you don’t get x amount of sex.

 

When did this abuse start?

If you are not happy with your sex life then leave. You don’t give her conditions!?

 

She has good reason to feel deflated etc. She is working full time from home and her partner is not working.

That’s actually a lot of pressure but all you care about is blow jobs!?

 

Do her a favour and end it. When you end it , tell her that you are too immature to be in a relationship, too selfish and hope she finds a guy that deserves her.

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