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Thread: EX Girlfriend and Social Media advice

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    It doesn't matter what she posts on social media. You're getting too worried about small details going from marriage to IG stories. Let it be for now and leave the social media behind. If this is a woman you really see your life with, the last thing on your mind should be what she posts on Instagram, even proud of her at the very most but nothing else, for experiencing and making more out of her life. She also just finished her graduate degree. Why would she want to get married right away or become engaged? She has her whole life to live or at least a few years to experience her career. You're coming across as very suffocating and controlling.



    I know you're frustrated and very hurt by her but she's showing you that whatever you want(marriage) is not what she wants right now for her own reasons. This is no way to propose to someone... as an ultimatum.

    You deserve way better from someone who actually is ready to be married and more established in their life. That four year age difference might not seem like much at first but in your twenties it's big. This relationship isn't working because you both want different things. The relationship itself is full of issues and both of you can't seem to get along or go a few weeks without arguing. When someone makes you less and less of a priority or leaves you in the dark, it means that that person wants less and less to do with you. Talking with you after the fact (after a break up) may be out of compassion, kindness, for old time's sake(good memories) but from what I'm reading she's growing out of the relationship that the both of you shared and discovering herself in the process.
    You do have a point i agree. The marriage was agreed on both of us.. it was more of me saying it’s time to inform your family and see the process (it’s complicated here) .. so i would avoid wasting more time waiting for her.

    And if she really is pulling away.. she wouldn’t ask to fly to see me to “talk” or tell me non of her feelings ever faded / always on her mind (during the breakup no contact) Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #22
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Please read Rose's response—the one you just replied to—again, and slowly. Then read it again, more slowly. Listen to the words, which I sense is something you struggle with, rather than looking for a way to refute them, rebut them. If you can do that—if you can find a way to be humble—I think a lot of what is confusing you right now will become clear.

    I know you're hurt right now, and for that I'm sorry. But you tone here? I'm not sure you realize how condescending it is, how possessive, how dismissive of her agency and free will. The overall impression is that what you really want is not to understand the Instagram stuff, but to figure out why she's not behaving like the 20 year old woman she was, once upon a time, and to see what you can do to stunt her growth so she re-grows back into a shape you prefer.

    Social media means...well, not much. Ever. If I had to guess why her habits have changed, I'd say she's looking for ways to reclaim herself, to assert herself, to not be or feel defined as being solely connected to you, to having to cater to your needs, your feelings, and the pressure you put on her to feel what you feel, want what you want. A shot of her biking, of her at the beach—yeah, it's superficial, but maybe that's just what just needs, right now, to give herself a little boost, to find her footing as a woman transitioning to a new moment in her adult journey. Doesn't really have anything to do with you, in short. That's just your ego playing games with yourself, to distract you from the hurt in your heart.

    I think you know she's pulling away. I think, deep down, you know that's maybe even what's best, right now, for both of you. And I think you are looking for ways to avoid the knowledge, and presently finding it by analyzing her Instagram stories, finding ways to make it all about you. This is one of those moments where you kind of have to check yourself and ask: Is this really who you want to be, right now? Is this really the sort of behavior you think leads to romantic harmony? Asking those questions, rather than questions about her posting habits, will be beneficial, I think.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'm curious why you think this relationship is a good idea? I can really feel your pain and loss and I think you're responding to that pain and wanting the relationship back to the way it was perhaps at the beginning. Is this correct? The breaking up and lingering feelings don't solve the problems of the past though.

    One month isn't enough to get over someone or heal from a years-long relationship so her saying those things or you saying those things don't strike me as surprising or unpredictable. There's the routine and the safety and the familiarity of a long term partner that adds to all that along with feelings of affection - all very strong and difficult to work through. It takes time to eventually fade and everyone is different in how they overcome or process overwhelming emotions during a break up. I don't think one month is enough to figure out whether the break up was a good idea but if you were doing it to make her realize what a great guy you are or as a last ditch effort to make her realize what she lost, so to speak, I think that type of manipulation will backfire. From what I'm reading, it doesn't sound like you were intending for this to happen. It happened because things were so bad and so painful for you that you had to cut her loose.

    You both weren't getting along at all so breaking up and getting back together isn't going to solve any issues. I think it's going to cause more issues in the long run because now there's a two-time record of you both having an on/off relationship. It's tumultuous and trust has eroded. There were blow ups and ultimatums and you feeling so taken forgranted and broken that you felt that it was necessary to break up.

    Does any of this make sense or is it too painful right now? You might have to work through it on your own and that takes time.

  4. #24
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    EX Girlfriend and Social Media advice

    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Please read Rose's response—the one you just replied to—again, and slowly. Then read it again, more slowly. Listen to the words, which I sense is something you struggle with, rather than looking for a way to refute them, rebut them. If you can do that—if you can find a way to be humble—I think a lot of what is confusing you right now will become clear.

    I know you're hurt right now, and for that I'm sorry. But you tone here? I'm not sure you realize how condescending it is, how possessive, how dismissive of her agency and free will. The overall impression is that what you really want is not to understand the Instagram stuff, but to figure out why she's not behaving like the 20 year old woman she was, once upon a time, and to see what you can do to stunt her growth so she re-grows back into a shape you prefer.

    Social media means...well, not much. Ever. If I had to guess why her habits have changed, I'd say she's looking for ways to reclaim herself, to assert herself, to not be or feel defined as being solely connected to you, to having to cater to your needs, your feelings, and the pressure you put on her to feel what you feel, want what you want. A shot of her biking, of her at the beach—yeah, it's superficial, but maybe that's just what just needs, right now, to give herself a little boost, to find her footing as a woman transitioning to a new moment in her adult journey. Doesn't really have anything to do with you, in short. That's just your ego playing games with yourself, to distract you from the hurt in your heart.

    I think you know she's pulling away. I think, deep down, you know that's maybe even what's best, right now, for both of you. And I think you are looking for ways to avoid the knowledge, and presently finding it by analyzing her Instagram stories, finding ways to make it all about you. This is one of those moments where you kind of have to check yourself and ask: Is this really who you want to be, right now? Is this really the sort of behavior you think leads to romantic harmony? Asking those questions, rather than questions about her posting habits, will be beneficial, I think.
    All the points are valid i get it. What im trying to understand is the TIMING of her actions. I would understand if shed be posting bikini pics during us not talking right after the breakup.. but why now suddenly after I reconnected.. if u see the pattern below

    A) all is perfect
    B) she starts less prioritizing or atleast i felt that
    C) Me complaining about it, no change
    D) more fights (4weeks)
    E) caught her in a lie
    F) i breakup . Silence for a month
    G) i reconnect again things go well she informa me that she wants to meet and talk and that she still has feelings but we need a serious real convo

    H) she starts being cold again, but still texts me random things. Starts posting on social media waaaay too much (while she never did) + she tells me shes planning to come see me in less than 10 days

    Id understand if ACTION “G” took place during “F” to like provoke me or make me miss her

    But you see the timing is just weird

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I'm curious why you think this relationship is a good idea? I can really feel your pain and loss and I think you're responding to that pain and wanting the relationship back to the way it was perhaps at the beginning. Is this correct? The breaking up and lingering feelings don't solve the problems of the past though.

    One month isn't enough to get over someone or heal from a years-long relationship so her saying those things or you saying those things don't strike me as surprising or unpredictable. There's the routine and the safety and the familiarity of a long term partner that adds to all that along with feelings of affection - all very strong and difficult to work through. It takes time to eventually fade and everyone is different in how they overcome or process overwhelming emotions during a break up. I don't think one month is enough to figure out whether the break up was a good idea but if you were doing it to make her realize what a great guy you are or as a last ditch effort to make her realize what she lost, so to speak, I think that type of manipulation will backfire. From what I'm reading, it doesn't sound like you were intending for this to happen. It happened because things were so bad and so painful for you that you had to cut her loose.

    You both weren't getting along at all so breaking up and getting back together isn't going to solve any issues. I think it's going to cause more issues in the long run because now there's a two-time record of you both having an on/off relationship. It's tumultuous and trust has eroded. There were blow ups and ultimatums and you feeling so taken forgranted and broken that you felt that it was necessary to break up.

    Does any of this make sense or is it too painful right now? You might have to work through it on your own and that takes time.
    Please see my post #24 regarding the timing of these actions that are making me curious.

    Also, during the breakup silence I actually forgot about her kind of moved on. But here’s the thing .. im a person who loves closure and straight to the point. I’m not worried about getting back.

    I’m worried about the mixed signals, one day she says she still has feelings, one day it’s like I don’t exist. I don’t like these games... i just want to know what she wants so i can accept it and move on. She’s was my best friend and i need that closure to move on or have hope.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    You keep telling yourself that she is so incompetent and incapable, you did EVERYTHING for her, that she just can't live without you. I think she is actually rubbing your nose in the fact that she CAN live without you, that she does have a life and friends and is out doing fun things without you constantly there acting like a helicopter parent. You are not her dad, yet you have been acting like one in this relationship and it's not just suffocating, that kind of patronizing control, it's destructive.

    She is not a child who needs you to be her daddy and unless you can wrap your head around that, this relationship has zero chance....assuming she would even be willing to give things another chance. You've suffocated her for years and it looks to me like she has had enough of that. Her phone is off/out of battery because it's her way of removing the leash you have on her or want to have on her all the time.

    She was living in the States, managed to graduate with a Master and you are talking about her like she is toddler who needs her diapers changed. The fundamental lack of basic respect toward her as a woman, as just a human being is astonishing on your part. Whether it's this relationship or another, you better get your head screwed on straight and adjust your attitude toward your significant other - treat them with the respect an adult deserves, not as a child.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by mike28z
    Please see my post #24 regarding the timing of these actions that are making me curious.

    Also, during the breakup silence I actually forgot about her kind of moved on. But here’s the thing .. im a person who loves closure and straight to the point. I’m not worried about getting back.

    I’m worried about the mixed signals, one day she says she still has feelings, one day it’s like I don’t exist. I don’t like these games... i just want to know what she wants so i can accept it and move on. She’s was my best friend and i need that closure to move on or have hope.
    Maybe finding closure is a solo endeavour for you. It doesn't always involve the other person. When you're ready to let go I think you will. Both of you have been through a lot and you were ready to pull the plug already once or twice before. You get to decide when enough is enough or whether you want to keep hoping. It's sometimes a long road figuring out that the key has been in your hand the whole time.

    Keep telling yourself that someone who loves you and wants to be with you would treat you the way you ought to be treated. If it's not this way, it's not adding to your life. It's up to you what you want to do with this information.

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    You keep telling yourself that she is so incompetent and incapable, you did EVERYTHING for her, that she just can't live without you. I think she is actually rubbing your nose in the fact that she CAN live without you, that she does have a life and friends and is out doing fun things without you constantly there acting like a helicopter parent. You are not her dad, yet you have been acting like one in this relationship and it's not just suffocating, that kind of patronizing control, it's destructive.

    She is not a child who needs you to be her daddy and unless you can wrap your head around that, this relationship has zero chance....assuming she would even be willing to give things another chance. You've suffocated her for years and it looks to me like she has had enough of that. Her phone is off/out of battery because it's her way of removing the leash you have on her or want to have on her all the time.

    She was living in the States, managed to graduate with a Master and you are talking about her like she is toddler who needs her diapers changed. The fundamental lack of basic respect toward her as a woman, as just a human being is astonishing on your part. Whether it's this relationship or another, you better get your head screwed on straight and adjust your attitude toward your significant other - treat them with the respect an adult deserves, not as a child.
    Fyi i havent shared all the details. I never controlled her. She did. The jealousy she began. I never treated her like a daughter/dad. But i was always there for her .. she relied on me 110%. Graduated masters? She dint do the work.. i did most of her work for her.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by mike28z
    Fyi i havent shared all the details. I never controlled her. She did. The jealousy she began. I never treated her like a daughter/dad. But i was always there for her .. she relied on me 110%. Graduated masters? She dint do the work.. i did most of her work for her.
    If this is true—and I highly doubt it's a truth she shares—then why on earth are you even interested in continuing? Because you are describing an ungrateful daughter, not a partner, or woman, you respect.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately, that is from the "get-your-ex-back" philosophy and scam sites. It's game playing. If you end it, it's over...not beginning or restarting. You have zero good things to say about her. End it for good and date local girls.
    Originally Posted by mike28z
    In my mind i hoped after me ending that it would worry her.

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