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Thread: Relationship hijacked by traumatized client of more than 10 years

  1. #11
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Are either of these women actually licensed, practicing therapists? Currently practicing on any one aside from each other?

    They both display such poor boundaries and toxic behaviour that I sure as hell hope not. Neither sounds like they're in an any place to be counselling others, especially on such serious issues as trauma.

    In short, this Lisa woman isn't the only problem. Ruth is, too. She bought a handgun for protection from Covid...what does she intend to do, shoot at the air and destroy particles? Shoot people who sneeze in her general direction? I ask because there's something seriously not making sense in her thought patterns, and it speaks to an overall tone of dysfunction that Lisa couldn't have created. Ruth is not exactly balanced, either.
    This! I was horrified at the idea that Ruth would not only talk to you about her client, but that she would invite this client into your lives.... and consult with her on decisions like buying a gun... and confide in her about your relationship... beyond inappropriate and completely unethical.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member SooSad33's Avatar
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    In the meantime Ruth was a bit freaked out at the beginning of covid and decided to buy a handgun for protection. She talked about that with Lisa, but didn't bring it up with me until she had bought the gun already. This was an indication that Lisa was becoming more of a partner to Ruth than me.
    - Nah, you can't say this.. since I am pretty sure Ruth does still have a mind of her own- and nothing wrong in confiding with a 'friend'.

    In the fall of 2019 my partner, let's call her Ruth, who is a trauma therapist, told me that I should meet her client, let's call her Lisa (42). Lisa had been Ruth's client for more than a decade and Ruth told me that Lisa was the most traumatized person she ever met! Even though Ruth was still Lisa's therapist, they started to hang out together.

    - IMO, this was the first No- no.

    Although, I do agree.. Ruth did NOT have to invite/allow Lisa to all of YOUR times with her.

    Fine if you are trying to work thru things with Ruth- although can be a real issue IF she is still damaged due to her past abuse?
    Lisa on the other hand, pushed it, telling you off! :/

    The next day I received an email from Ruth stating that I can't contact her in any form, ever. If I do, they would file a restraining order against me.
    - That's fine.. her choice.. But with how she is or has become again- maybe she just wasn't mentally able to be or normal type person, because of her past..?

    As well for her to act the way she did about her brother etc agreeing to meet with you also set her off.. possibly feeling everyone is ganging up on her.


    Even after all this, I am still completely in love with Ruth and keep on hoping that she will come to realize that she treated me poorly and will want me back
    - Sorry, but even if she were to reach out again.. I dont feel she is really of sounds mind enough for this to be successful. - take a good look at all of this. ( and note her past).

    especially given the fact that Lisa and Ruth might now not just be emotional partners, but sexual partners as well?[/B]
    - I am lost here... where did you get this.. assumption?

    No, I suggest you do not go there with reporting Ruth, cause if you do you know exactly who she will be glaring at!
    Just back off- totally. Leave her be.

    I think you should just keep your distance now. What Ruth does is her own choice.. to cross the lines was her choice.
    If she has pushed you away.. respectfully leave her alone.

    Work on accepting this and work on your healing from the experience with this woman.

  3. #13
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    Its totallly fine for a woman to own a handgun, especially since in some areas there are so many vandals. That is not the issue. The issue is boundaries. BTW, unless someone is a speech therapist or something like that, no one should be one's therapist for years - they should come to a point where they get healing and move on. Its okay if the person gets well, and then a few years later, they have trouble coping with a close death and go back to the same therapist, but to regularly see someone for decades -- its just not healthy. Ruth seems to be quite enmeshed and Lisa seems to have more problems than a therapist can work a client through and maybe its time for a psyhiatrist. At any rate, you are good to be done with the lot.

  4. #14

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    Thank you all for your thoughtful responses. It is clear that the consensus is that I need to stay away. To MissCanuck, both women are lisenced and do practice. And to SooSad33, like Tinydance wrote, there are indications that it might be a romantic relationship. Plus it is clear from Lisa's behavior that she is completely in love with Ruth. And Lisa identifies as bisexual as well...

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    While you may have believed that ex was all on board with your high standards for a healthy lifestyle, she was actually turning around and letting her hair down with her drinking buddy.

    Wul, what do drinkers DO while drinking? Not much. They kick back and flap their lips. Over time they discover that things get pretty boring telling the same ol' stories, so they up the ante on embellishment. They create crises and drama by inventing offenses to get worked up about. They start fights with people over stupid stuff, and they villainize anyone who's got their act together--especially those who aren't part of their club fueled by alcohol.

    So what's a sober guy to do? Recognize a drinking problem when you see one. This isn't about diagnosing alcoholism--people get hung up splitting hairs on that, and it's a waste of focus. If someone's drinking behavior creates a problem for YOU, then it's a drinking problem--and there isn't a hill of beans that you can do about it beyond doing yourself and that person a giant favor by walking away.

    If you believe that this woman will drop her friend any time soon, you could be right--drinkers can turn volatile on a dime and dump anyone who says the wrong thing by the side of the road. That doesn't mean they'll come running back to your loving sobriety. They'll just find someone else to drink with, and bar flies are easy to come by.

    I'd consider investing some time exploring some Ala-non groups. These are each run differently, so if you don't find one group helpful, try another until you find the right mix. Most have likely gone virtual, and you may learn some helpful things that you've never conceived of about loving someone who loves their drinking more than you.

    Head high, hang in there, and don't invest too much in a fantasy about the person you believed you knew. She got tired of playing it clean, so she came clean and told you what she was really up to. That's why it was so easy for her to turn against you--she was already gone.

  7. #16
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    Itís not your place to enforce a family intervention. You are not family.

    It took 3 years to see the real Ruth but be glad it only took 3 years.
    Lisa was simply a catalyst in that eye opening.

    Ruth is not a good therapist. I feel sorry for her paying clients. Even Lisa.

    Stay out of it. Be glad to be rid of Ruth.

    I have just one question? How does owning a gun protect one from covid??? In Ruthís mind? Did you ask her? Lol
    Doesnít that In itself tell you how irrational and ill informed she is??

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by sleeuwe
    To MissCanuck, both women are lisenced and do practice.
    That is a frightening thought.

    Neither appears to have the mental stability or appropriate boundaries to be guiding anyone.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    That is a frightening thought.

    Neither appears to have the mental stability or appropriate boundaries to be guiding anyone.
    Some of the most messed-up people I know are clinical psychologists; I knew them before they did their training, and I sometimes wonder how effective they are in practice.

  10. #19

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    I love getting all these thoughtful responses! Thank you! To catfeeder: I actually never noticed them being buzzed, but I am notoriously bad at noticing those kind of things. The fact that Ruth chose to hide the wine drinking from me definitely shows that there is more of an issue than I expected. They must have been drinking at least a glass of wine before I was around and then during dinner they always had at least one vodka with soda and lime. If it was the 3 of us on backpacking trips they always brought vodka as well, but when it was just Ruth and me we never brought anything like that.

    To Billie28: I agree that it would look pretty bad if I would force a family intervention, but objectively I am a concerned party who really just wants the best for her, even without me in her life and after what happened. And I did have an independent relationship with her mother and her brother and his girlfriend as well. Problem is that her mother and brother are really conflict avoidant. I just can't imagine that I would not stand up stronger against my daughter or sister if I would see her treat somebody close to her this way. Plus I would reach out to that person and really try to figure out what is going on with my family member.

    Considering the gun: I did ask Ruth about that. At the beginning of covid people were pretty fearful about the pandemic, because nobody really knew how it would play out. People became pretty selfish and started hoarding stuff. The fact that the thing they hoarded most was toilet paper also shows that people were not thinking clearly. I can see how this selfishness and irrational thinking can make people scared, but buying a gun for that wouldn't be my solution.

    To MissCanuck and nutbrownhair: I have heard the saying that psychologists choose their profession because they are crazy themselves. That doesn't necessarily make them bad psychologists. Trauma therapists quite often become therapist because they went through trauma themselves. That is definitely the case with Lisa. I think that can actually make them pretty effective therapists. Ruth definitely has a very good reputation. Problem is that when 2 trauma therapists with a trauma background get together, there is a chance that they will see all kinds of appropriate and inappropriate situations through that lens and see perpetrators and victims even when those are not there, especially when they ignore the dangers of dual relationships in therapy. They just feed of each other. It is pretty ironic that I am being traumatized by 2 people whose job it is to heal people from trauma!

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    What makes them "bad psychologists", it socializing with clients, drinking with clients, betraying client confidentiality, trying to hook clients up with people or starting relationships with clients.

    Stay away from both of them, with their guns, toilet paper, vodka, threats of restraining orders, etc. Delete and block both of them from all your social media and messaging apps.

    Work on getting appropriate transportation, living arrangements and adequate income to sustain your lifestyle. Don't depend on either of them for anything.
    Originally Posted by sleeuwe
    That doesn't necessarily make them bad psychologists.

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