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Thread: Scared to get out there again

  1. #1
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    Scared to get out there again

    Hi Everyone ---

    I am getting out in the dating world again and am paralyzed with fear. My ex husband abandoned my kids and me ten years ago. After two years, post divorce, I go back out there and dated. I went on a few awful dates and felt like I had nailed down being about to pick the bad guys. Then, I met a really nice guy in a coffee shop one day. He was in line behind me and we ended up talking for two hours. He asked for my email and from there we started a nice relationship. We did not rush into anything. He was always on time for our dates, did not cheat, was attentive and caring. I met his family who is lovely and they loved me. I met his friends who embraced me. He loved me and loved showing me off. After two and a half years, he proposed to me in the Caribbean and had my children with us to celebrate. We decided on a wedding date in two years and I began the plans to sell my house. He owned a home also but it is a one bedroom bungalow so there was no room for the kids and me. So we decided to rent a place to until we found the ideal house for us. We found a beautiful stone country home and set up the date to sign the lease. We talked about if for the two months prior to our move in date. My house was sold and I have packed up everything and was ready to move. The day of the lease signing he bailed on me. He said he couldn't afford to make the move, to pay rent and to still pay his mortgage. I was like ?!?!?!? I was so hurt. He called me a few days later and said he would still move in and pay half the rent but he could not sign a lease. So I agreed. I needed the rent because I could not afford it on my own. We had also agreed to split the utilities, Internet, etc. He half-assed moved in. I felt as though he was one foot in and one foot out. (No he did not have another girlfriend.) After 18 months, I asked about the wedding and he skirted around the issue. By this point we had been together for 6 years. I broke up with him and I wanted someone who could seal the deal. I learned six months later that he had promised his mother, three months after our engagement, that he would not marry me. (His mother is a widow and his three siblings have been in long marriages.) I forgot to mention that he is in his fifties. I was in my 40's. I also found out that he told all of his friends that he was not going to marry me . So, here I was around all of these people who were amazing to me, knew what was going on and said nothing to me. He had told me about four relationships in his life. Turns out he was a serial dater and had about 30 girlfriends in his life. Finally, he admitted to me that he is a commitment phobic and after he proposed he realized he could not go through with a marriage. Yet, he was able to be completely duplicitous and I never saw this coming. This experience has turned me off to dating. It's been two years and I can intellectualize that not all men are liars but I am so scared.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member SooSad33's Avatar
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    Welcome....

    I understand fully where you are coming from... how we can get hurt from so many experiences- especially relationships :/.

    He said he couldn't afford to make the move, to pay rent and to still pay his mortgage. I was like ?!?!?!? I was so hurt. He called me a few days later and said he would still move in and pay half the rent but he could not sign a lease. So I agreed. I needed the rent because I could not afford it on my own. We had also agreed to split the utilities, Internet, etc. He half-assed moved in.
    - I guess this isn;t too bad, cause at least he did agree a place with you.. not wanting to 'buy' does not mean not agreeing to live together.

    As for the marriage thingy...
    , I asked about the wedding and he skirted around the issue. By this point we had been together for 6 years. I broke up with him and I wanted someone who could seal the deal.

    Okay, he is a serial dater? But he went this far with you.
    If only he had been more Honest.

    I also found out that he told all of his friends that he was not going to marry me . So, here I was around all of these people who were amazing to me, knew what was going on and said nothing to me.
    - I feel you felt so gutted hearing he did not feel he could marry you- on which I guess he did come around to admitting eventually.. But, did this mean you had to break up? As you wanted someone who could 'seal the deal'?

    IMO, many people by this age will hardly consider a marriage- that is something HUGE.

    I have been thru way too much crap as well... Been cheated on, lied to.. led on then off.. lived with an alcy.. etc :/.

    I will be honest.. by our age, is much harder to meet up with someone who is compatible, going down the same kind of path and NOT be somewhat damaged.
    We are not fresh out of high school- but we have had a number of experiences, which makes us how we are now.

    So for you to expect someone to 'seal the deal'- will possibly not be fulfilled.

    IF you are really willing to get out there again, I highly suggest you go out there with no high hopes or expectations.

    IF you feel you are so afraid.. maybe dont go looking for this at this time? Because if you are still affected as so, I am sure it will affect something in the future as well.

    Just go maybe check out a dating site.. or find local singles groups? Go hang out with some that want to just go join up for a coffee or something.. You don't 'need' to be involved, but is just fine having some friends.

  3. #3
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    What do you mean by your husband abandoned you and your kids?
    As in he walked out one day and disappeared? Or the marriage broke up?
    Was there shared custody or child support ?
    Or did he simply vanish?

    Iím only asking because you seem to be taking the victim role?

    This new knight in shining armour never really committed to you.
    I fail to see why you would sell your house? If you both were going to rent together , why did you opt for selling your and your childrenís home, and not renting your house out, especially when he clearly never intended on selling his bachelor pad?
    And the biggest red flag was saying he canít afford to move in with you but did anyway as long as he had a get out of jail free card by not signing the lease?
    You didnít have to go ahead and sign the lease but you chose to.
    And then chose his as a paying roommate after he said he canít afford to!? Why??

    I donít believe in commitment phobes. People labelled as such often end up committing to someone , but they are unable to discern whether someone is right for them or not until push comes to shove.
    And thatís what I see what happened here.
    If only you had not ignored the red flags of which there were probably several more you havenít disclosed , then you wouldnít have given him 6 years.

    Be accountable for your own involvement and choices and dating will be a lot easier .
    However until you reflect on that , donít perceive yourself as a victim and donít be paralysed with fear of dating , you are not ready to date yet.

    And when you are ready , you are. Good luck!

  4. #4
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Not all men are like that.

    I have a wonderful husband and I raised my son to be a good man as well. I can tell you that there most definitely are good men out there.

    They may be harder to find, but they exist!

    I am sorry you had to run into frogs. But I have been there too. I had to run into a lot of frogs before I found a good one!

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  6. #5
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    I think the main thing to really tell yourself in these kinds of situations is that when someone betrays us, it's not about us. It's about them. They are not really a good or honest person. What your ex did to you was despicable. If he realised he couldn't go through with the marriage, he should have told you straight away. To lead you on for another 3.5 years after that was just beyond selfish and cruel. There is nothing wrong with you except that maybe you shouldn't have given him a chance after you saw he was already dragging his feet even just to move in with you. I know it can be hard to believe sometimes but I think there are truly nice men out there. You could have met someone better if you didn't keep giving your ex so many chances. I think it's definitely not too late for you. Provided you live to 80-90 years old, you still have 40 years left to date. More than enough time to find more men. It's not over for you, believe me. But I think you really need to be very firm about what you really want and don't budge on it. If a guy doesn't commit then get rid of him ASAP. Good luck x

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    Not all men are like that.

    I have a wonderful husband and I raised my son to be a good man as well. I can tell you that there most definitely are good men out there.

    They may be harder to find, but they exist!

    I am sorry you had to run into frogs. But I have been there too. I had to run into a lot of frogs before I found a good one!
    I donít think this guy is a frog lol.
    He is simply not her Prince Charming and never claimed to be.
    He just went along with the flow but always felt uncomfortable with it.
    His discomfort showed in many ways , example not wanting to commit to signing a lease.
    But the OP convinced herself he was her Prince Charming even though he never displayed signs of that.

    Does that make him a frog? No.
    Does it mean he isnít Prince Charming ? No
    He just isnít hers no matter how hard she tried.

    Does it make him a bad guy that he tried to fit the Prince Charming role? No
    Does it make him a bad guy that when it boiled down to the final committment he bailed? No

    The hearsay and gossip that he was never going to marry her is simply that.
    He might have displayed some concerns to family and friends suggesting he feels a bit snowballed. But thatís normal for people to voice their concerns to family and friends.

    Itís not necessarily being deceitful.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Momto2
    He loved me and loved showing me off. After two and a half years, he proposed to me in the Caribbean and had my children with us to celebrate. We decided on a wedding date in two years and I began the plans to sell my house. ...

    After 18 months, I asked about the wedding and he skirted around the issue. By this point we had been together for 6 years. I broke up with him and I wanted someone who could seal the deal. I learned six months later that he had promised his mother, three months after our engagement, that he would not marry me. (His mother is a widow and his three siblings have been in long marriages.) I forgot to mention that he is in his fifties. I was in my 40's. I also found out that he told all of his friends that he was not going to marry me . So, here I was around all of these people who were amazing to me, knew what was going on and said nothing to me. He had told me about four relationships in his life. Turns out he was a serial dater and had about 30 girlfriends in his life. Finally, he admitted to me that he is a commitment phobic and after he proposed he realized he could not go through with a marriage.
    I think the idea of being deceitful is in how a person interprets what a marriage proposal is. Most would interpret it as a promise to marry. I agree with the OP that it was duplicitous for him to spread it around to third parties that he had no intention on marrying you without telling you first about his intentions. The issue is in his timing (months and months apart) and the choices he made eventually that broke that promise. If he'd have broken it off with you months prior instead of putting it off, he'd simply be a man who didn't want to marry you. Both of you were not on the same page for months, possibly years? The right thing to do would have been to be honest with you shortly after he made his decision not to marry you or renegade on that promise to marry.

    Frankly, you don't want someone like this in your life. Think to yourself - good riddance.

    For you, keep focusing on the good things in your life and make sure that you have enough of yourself for your kids so that you're a good mum and take your time dating. Don't rush just because neighbours, friends, family members pass comments or make you believe as if you need to get a move on with life or you're 'less than' without a husband. You have to learn to start to feel positive about yourself and how far you've come before you're fully ready to date again and it's no one's decision but yours. Also try and work through how your marriage ended. I think there are some keys and possibly gold nuggets there also. We can turn failures of the past into little nuggets of wisdom also if we give it the chance. I don't think you should feel ashamed or constantly feel like you're running from your past. Don't fear it. Own what you are and how far you've come.

    Find ways to accept the mistakes and experiences of the past. If you're looking to date, re-evaluate and ask yourself questions perhaps that cause you to question or re-think what that dating purpose is for. Are you still looking for someone romantically to live with or simply date and enjoy companionship? Do you want to eventually marry again? Are there certain types of men that are hard to ignore because they're so charismatic and appealing at first (but have little substance)? Take your time.

  9. #8
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    I think you are being very harsh and while you do not believe in commitment phones, they ARE out there. In fact, my "fiance" told me that he was a life long commitment phobic. They problem is he finally fessed up as I was breaking up with him. He said he really wanted was to get married but he just couldn't do it, not with me or anyone. However, after I broke up with him I learned that had about 30 girlfriends in his past, not three as he told me. I also learned that was on match.com for ten years before he met me, using the line "looking for a long term serious relationship that will lead to marriage." After dating 20 women on that site alone, none fit the bill. In other words, he wanted a girlfriend who could commit to him he just was not going to reciprocate -- in the long term.



    Why would I sell my house you ask? I had no choice. It was in the divorce decree.

    My ex husband did abandon the the kids and me. We came home to find his things and him gone. Although we had been married a long time before we had out kids, he said he found raising kids boring and "not his thing." Nothing I can do about that.

  10. #9
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    It sounds like you had a very low bar for this man - so he paid attention to you, was on time for dates and didn't cheat? Is that how you evaluated his suitability as a partner? I also find it concerning that you weren't going to marry for two years- why? And so much focus on what kind of house you were going to buy -seems like a lot of plans to own property very fast. I also think you were motivated financially to live with him -too motivated if you could not afford a place of your own. All of this made you vulnerable to picking a person who would take advantage. I'm very sorry this happened to you!

  11. #10
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    I agree with you on many different points. When we met he told me that he was really looking for someone who would commit to him. He was looking for a long term serious relationship that would lead to marriage. I don't expect any one to seal the deal. What I do expect is to not be lied to and for us to be on the same page.

    You are right, we have to have different expectations at our ages than when younger. I would have had no problem living in separate homes with an understanding that we were exclusive. That is not what happened at all. HE is the one who proposed and nothing would lead me to believe after two years of dating that this was all an experiment on his part; to see if he could do it.

    You are correct when you said if only he could have been more honest. I would have been very accepting of that. I don't have to be married or even live with someone. I want honesty so that I can make the right decisions for me.

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