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Scared to get out there again


Momto2

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Hi Everyone ---

 

I am getting out in the dating world again and am paralyzed with fear. My ex husband abandoned my kids and me ten years ago. After two years, post divorce, I go back out there and dated. I went on a few awful dates and felt like I had nailed down being about to pick the bad guys. Then, I met a really nice guy in a coffee shop one day. He was in line behind me and we ended up talking for two hours. He asked for my email and from there we started a nice relationship. We did not rush into anything. He was always on time for our dates, did not cheat, was attentive and caring. I met his family who is lovely and they loved me. I met his friends who embraced me. He loved me and loved showing me off. After two and a half years, he proposed to me in the Caribbean and had my children with us to celebrate. We decided on a wedding date in two years and I began the plans to sell my house. He owned a home also but it is a one bedroom bungalow so there was no room for the kids and me. So we decided to rent a place to until we found the ideal house for us. We found a beautiful stone country home and set up the date to sign the lease. We talked about if for the two months prior to our move in date. My house was sold and I have packed up everything and was ready to move. The day of the lease signing he bailed on me. He said he couldn't afford to make the move, to pay rent and to still pay his mortgage. I was like ?!?!?!? I was so hurt. He called me a few days later and said he would still move in and pay half the rent but he could not sign a lease. So I agreed. I needed the rent because I could not afford it on my own. We had also agreed to split the utilities, Internet, etc. He half-assed moved in. I felt as though he was one foot in and one foot out. (No he did not have another girlfriend.) After 18 months, I asked about the wedding and he skirted around the issue. By this point we had been together for 6 years. I broke up with him and I wanted someone who could seal the deal. I learned six months later that he had promised his mother, three months after our engagement, that he would not marry me. (His mother is a widow and his three siblings have been in long marriages.) I forgot to mention that he is in his fifties. I was in my 40's. I also found out that he told all of his friends that he was not going to marry me . So, here I was around all of these people who were amazing to me, knew what was going on and said nothing to me. He had told me about four relationships in his life. Turns out he was a serial dater and had about 30 girlfriends in his life. Finally, he admitted to me that he is a commitment phobic and after he proposed he realized he could not go through with a marriage. Yet, he was able to be completely duplicitous and I never saw this coming. This experience has turned me off to dating. It's been two years and I can intellectualize that not all men are liars but I am so scared.

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Welcome....

 

I understand fully where you are coming from... how we can get hurt from so many experiences- especially relationships :/.

 

He said he couldn't afford to make the move, to pay rent and to still pay his mortgage. I was like ?!?!?!? I was so hurt. He called me a few days later and said he would still move in and pay half the rent but he could not sign a lease. So I agreed. I needed the rent because I could not afford it on my own. We had also agreed to split the utilities, Internet, etc. He half-assed moved in.

- I guess this isn;t too bad, cause at least he did agree a place with you.. not wanting to 'buy' does not mean not agreeing to live together.

 

As for the marriage thingy...

, I asked about the wedding and he skirted around the issue. By this point we had been together for 6 years. I broke up with him and I wanted someone who could seal the deal.

 

Okay, he is a serial dater? But he went this far with you.

If only he had been more Honest.

 

I also found out that he told all of his friends that he was not going to marry me . So, here I was around all of these people who were amazing to me, knew what was going on and said nothing to me.

- I feel you felt so gutted hearing he did not feel he could marry you- on which I guess he did come around to admitting eventually.. But, did this mean you had to break up? As you wanted someone who could 'seal the deal'?

 

IMO, many people by this age will hardly consider a marriage- that is something HUGE.

 

I have been thru way too much crap as well... Been cheated on, lied to.. led on then off.. lived with an alcy.. etc :/.

 

I will be honest.. by our age, is much harder to meet up with someone who is compatible, going down the same kind of path and NOT be somewhat damaged.

We are not fresh out of high school- but we have had a number of experiences, which makes us how we are now.

 

So for you to expect someone to 'seal the deal'- will possibly not be fulfilled.

 

IF you are really willing to get out there again, I highly suggest you go out there with no high hopes or expectations.

 

IF you feel you are so afraid.. maybe dont go looking for this at this time? Because if you are still affected as so, I am sure it will affect something in the future as well.

 

Just go maybe check out a dating site.. or find local singles groups? Go hang out with some that want to just go join up for a coffee or something.. You don't 'need' to be involved, but is just fine having some friends.

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What do you mean by your husband abandoned you and your kids?

As in he walked out one day and disappeared? Or the marriage broke up?

Was there shared custody or child support ?

Or did he simply vanish?

 

I’m only asking because you seem to be taking the victim role?

 

This new knight in shining armour never really committed to you.

I fail to see why you would sell your house? If you both were going to rent together , why did you opt for selling your and your children’s home, and not renting your house out, especially when he clearly never intended on selling his bachelor pad?

And the biggest red flag was saying he can’t afford to move in with you but did anyway as long as he had a get out of jail free card by not signing the lease?

You didn’t have to go ahead and sign the lease but you chose to.

And then chose his as a paying roommate after he said he can’t afford to!? Why??

 

I don’t believe in commitment phobes. People labelled as such often end up committing to someone , but they are unable to discern whether someone is right for them or not until push comes to shove.

And that’s what I see what happened here.

If only you had not ignored the red flags of which there were probably several more you haven’t disclosed , then you wouldn’t have given him 6 years.

 

Be accountable for your own involvement and choices and dating will be a lot easier .

However until you reflect on that , don’t perceive yourself as a victim and don’t be paralysed with fear of dating , you are not ready to date yet.

 

And when you are ready , you are. Good luck!

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Not all men are like that.

 

I have a wonderful husband and I raised my son to be a good man as well. I can tell you that there most definitely are good men out there.

 

They may be harder to find, but they exist!

 

I am sorry you had to run into frogs. But I have been there too. I had to run into a lot of frogs before I found a good one!

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I think the main thing to really tell yourself in these kinds of situations is that when someone betrays us, it's not about us. It's about them. They are not really a good or honest person. What your ex did to you was despicable. If he realised he couldn't go through with the marriage, he should have told you straight away. To lead you on for another 3.5 years after that was just beyond selfish and cruel. There is nothing wrong with you except that maybe you shouldn't have given him a chance after you saw he was already dragging his feet even just to move in with you. I know it can be hard to believe sometimes but I think there are truly nice men out there. You could have met someone better if you didn't keep giving your ex so many chances. I think it's definitely not too late for you. Provided you live to 80-90 years old, you still have 40 years left to date. More than enough time to find more men. It's not over for you, believe me. But I think you really need to be very firm about what you really want and don't budge on it. If a guy doesn't commit then get rid of him ASAP. Good luck x

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Not all men are like that.

 

I have a wonderful husband and I raised my son to be a good man as well. I can tell you that there most definitely are good men out there.

 

They may be harder to find, but they exist!

 

I am sorry you had to run into frogs. But I have been there too. I had to run into a lot of frogs before I found a good one!

 

I don’t think this guy is a frog lol.

He is simply not her Prince Charming and never claimed to be.

He just went along with the flow but always felt uncomfortable with it.

His discomfort showed in many ways , example not wanting to commit to signing a lease.

But the OP convinced herself he was her Prince Charming even though he never displayed signs of that.

 

Does that make him a frog? No.

Does it mean he isn’t Prince Charming ? No

He just isn’t hers no matter how hard she tried.

 

Does it make him a bad guy that he tried to fit the Prince Charming role? No

Does it make him a bad guy that when it boiled down to the final committment he bailed? No

 

The hearsay and gossip that he was never going to marry her is simply that.

He might have displayed some concerns to family and friends suggesting he feels a bit snowballed. But that’s normal for people to voice their concerns to family and friends.

 

It’s not necessarily being deceitful.

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He loved me and loved showing me off. After two and a half years, he proposed to me in the Caribbean and had my children with us to celebrate. We decided on a wedding date in two years and I began the plans to sell my house. ...

 

After 18 months, I asked about the wedding and he skirted around the issue. By this point we had been together for 6 years. I broke up with him and I wanted someone who could seal the deal. I learned six months later that he had promised his mother, three months after our engagement, that he would not marry me. (His mother is a widow and his three siblings have been in long marriages.) I forgot to mention that he is in his fifties. I was in my 40's. I also found out that he told all of his friends that he was not going to marry me . So, here I was around all of these people who were amazing to me, knew what was going on and said nothing to me. He had told me about four relationships in his life. Turns out he was a serial dater and had about 30 girlfriends in his life. Finally, he admitted to me that he is a commitment phobic and after he proposed he realized he could not go through with a marriage.

 

I think the idea of being deceitful is in how a person interprets what a marriage proposal is. Most would interpret it as a promise to marry. I agree with the OP that it was duplicitous for him to spread it around to third parties that he had no intention on marrying you without telling you first about his intentions. The issue is in his timing (months and months apart) and the choices he made eventually that broke that promise. If he'd have broken it off with you months prior instead of putting it off, he'd simply be a man who didn't want to marry you. Both of you were not on the same page for months, possibly years? The right thing to do would have been to be honest with you shortly after he made his decision not to marry you or renegade on that promise to marry.

 

Frankly, you don't want someone like this in your life. Think to yourself - good riddance.

 

For you, keep focusing on the good things in your life and make sure that you have enough of yourself for your kids so that you're a good mum and take your time dating. Don't rush just because neighbours, friends, family members pass comments or make you believe as if you need to get a move on with life or you're 'less than' without a husband. You have to learn to start to feel positive about yourself and how far you've come before you're fully ready to date again and it's no one's decision but yours. Also try and work through how your marriage ended. I think there are some keys and possibly gold nuggets there also. We can turn failures of the past into little nuggets of wisdom also if we give it the chance. I don't think you should feel ashamed or constantly feel like you're running from your past. Don't fear it. Own what you are and how far you've come.

 

Find ways to accept the mistakes and experiences of the past. If you're looking to date, re-evaluate and ask yourself questions perhaps that cause you to question or re-think what that dating purpose is for. Are you still looking for someone romantically to live with or simply date and enjoy companionship? Do you want to eventually marry again? Are there certain types of men that are hard to ignore because they're so charismatic and appealing at first (but have little substance)? Take your time.

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I think you are being very harsh and while you do not believe in commitment phones, they ARE out there. In fact, my "fiance" told me that he was a life long commitment phobic. They problem is he finally fessed up as I was breaking up with him. He said he really wanted was to get married but he just couldn't do it, not with me or anyone. However, after I broke up with him I learned that had about 30 girlfriends in his past, not three as he told me. I also learned that was on match.com for ten years before he met me, using the line "looking for a long term serious relationship that will lead to marriage." After dating 20 women on that site alone, none fit the bill. In other words, he wanted a girlfriend who could commit to him he just was not going to reciprocate -- in the long term.

 

 

 

Why would I sell my house you ask? I had no choice. It was in the divorce decree.

 

My ex husband did abandon the the kids and me. We came home to find his things and him gone. Although we had been married a long time before we had out kids, he said he found raising kids boring and "not his thing." Nothing I can do about that.

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It sounds like you had a very low bar for this man - so he paid attention to you, was on time for dates and didn't cheat? Is that how you evaluated his suitability as a partner? I also find it concerning that you weren't going to marry for two years- why? And so much focus on what kind of house you were going to buy -seems like a lot of plans to own property very fast. I also think you were motivated financially to live with him -too motivated if you could not afford a place of your own. All of this made you vulnerable to picking a person who would take advantage. I'm very sorry this happened to you!

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I agree with you on many different points. When we met he told me that he was really looking for someone who would commit to him. He was looking for a long term serious relationship that would lead to marriage. I don't expect any one to seal the deal. What I do expect is to not be lied to and for us to be on the same page.

 

You are right, we have to have different expectations at our ages than when younger. I would have had no problem living in separate homes with an understanding that we were exclusive. That is not what happened at all. HE is the one who proposed and nothing would lead me to believe after two years of dating that this was all an experiment on his part; to see if he could do it.

 

You are correct when you said if only he could have been more honest. I would have been very accepting of that. I don't have to be married or even live with someone. I want honesty so that I can make the right decisions for me.

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I could pick a place to afford on my own. We were engaged at the time and had many conversations about us selling our homes and buying one together. His home was a small one bedroom cottage so it could not accommodate my kids and me. We wanted to wait for two years because my children were graduating high school in succession and "I" was the one who wanted to wait.

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Did you ever go for counselling or therapy to help work through any issues with abandonment and how the divorce happened? I can't imagine how horrific this must have been. I hope you have a decent support network and are around people now who care about you and the kids. If you can find a safe place (mentally, emotionally), a lot of that feeling of being fearful and overwhelmed might subside over time. Don't rush anything into dating again.

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There is a difference between going along with the flow and proposing to someone. He proposed to me completely unsolicited by me. He orchestrated it by having my children there. This was not some knee jerk action. He bought me an engagement ring and flew us to St. John. By the time we signed the lease, which by the way was his idea! I sold my home and we were planning on getting married in a few months, so it would not have been at all unreasonable for me to think he would sign it too. To bail on the day of the signing is pretty lame. We decided on it two months prior and he talked incessantly about how excited he was -- until the day of. That DOES make him a frog. The heresy and goes is not simply that. He admitted that he made a pack with his mother that he would not marry me. Although she liked me, as I learned she liked his other girlfriends, he told her that he would not marry while she was still alive. I never convinced myself that he was Prince Charming. I do know that he showed one side to me while the other side was pulling all the levers in the background.

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Sorry to hear this. Have you contacted your attorney regarding the sale of your home, child support, etc.? As you know skipping town without paying child support is an offence and a police matter. The sooner you contact the courts, your attorney, etc. the sooner your children's father will have his driver's license suspended.

 

Reinvest your portion of the money from the divorce house sale into a place for yourself and your children. Do have family or friends nearby? Do you work?

 

Unfortunately this man seems to have been a bit of a liar. It seems you thought he would sweep you off your feet and resolve some of the issues from the divorce such as loneliness, lack of financial support etc. It's unclear why you went ahead and signed the lease alone on a place you could not afford alone.

 

However it turns out he was more of a wolf in sheep's clothing. It's unclear why he would bother to "half-assed" move in, pay for half of everything, etc. if he had his own place? He's not a "commitment-phobe" that is an invented word.

 

He just backed out for whatever reason. Next time be weary of anyone who you think can rescue you from your divorce or who sweeps you off your feet..

I needed the rent because I could not afford it on my own. The day of the lease signing he bailed on me. He said he couldn't afford to make the move, to pay rent and to still pay his mortgage.

 

Why would I sell my house you ask? I had no choice. It was in the divorce decree.

 

My ex husband did abandon the the kids and me. Although we had been married a long time before we had out kids, he said he found raising kids boring and "not his thing."

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So, here I was around all of these people who were amazing to me, knew what was going on and said nothing to me.

 

What a betrayal! I can't imagine how painful that was to discover.

 

Finally, he admitted to me that he is a commitment phobic and after he proposed he realized he could not go through with a marriage.

 

That's not an excuse for his dishonesty.

 

Yet, he was able to be completely duplicitous and I never saw this coming. This experience has turned me off to dating. It's been two years and I can intellectualize that not all men are liars but I am so scared.

 

I don't blame you for having these feelings... but looking back, can you say with 100% certainty that there were absolutely no signs?

 

I can attest for there being good men out there. I have one. But I have also dated not-so-good men, and I'll tell you: there are always signs. Things don't always add up.

 

It's easy to dismiss these things in the moment because it's often just a gut feeling with little hard evidence. But in retrospect, these signs become more obvious.

 

So, I encourage you to look back on this relationship and identify when things didn't 'feel' right. The signing of the lease sounds like a big sign that things weren't right.

 

I'm sure there were more signs that you probably glazed right over because everything else seemed so right. Now that the 'right' is gone, what stands out as being wrong?

 

I'm not blaming you for what he did. I'm just trying to impress upon you the importance of being vigilant and listening to gut feelings.

 

You are right to have fear about dating again. It's very difficult when you are lonely or feeling bad, and just want a companion.

 

Learn from this last experience and keep it in mind when you get back out there.

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Yes I did. The therapist said that there are some men who find children as their competition. She said to believe him when he said he found that raising kids was boring and not what he wanted. He has not talked to our daughter in twelve years. He does have a relationship with our son. I made sure I let him know about every school play, every teacher conference, sports events, whatever --- no commentary - just a quick email with whatever notice came from the school, invitation or whatever other event announcement there was. What he did with it was his choice. He came to nothing.

 

I put the children into therapy when he left.

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Wiseman2. I did get an attorney and we had an 18 month battle with my ex. He did not want to pay for anything and he was an high executive and made a lot of money. Despite the settlement, he violated just about every part of it. My concern was the kids. They were not his at all. When he left, he left them too and was very resentful to have to do anything for them.

 

I was divorced for two years before I met this other man. I was never swept me off my feet. I had on my "red flag" hat. I had my own money, my own business and was not needy at all. This man turned out to be a liar. He finally fessed up that he had a generalized anxiety disorder and other relationship issues. THAT should have been something to share with me and not when he did.

 

In response to your comments:

 

1. Yes I felt betrayed by the other people at first. Then I learned that they were all so happy and really hoped that he had changed. I could see why they would not say anything. Its an awkward place.

 

2. It is not an excuse for dishonesty. He could have told me at any stage PRIOR to proposing that he just is not the marrying kind. Fair enough. His match.com profiled read -- "looking for a serious long term relationship that could lead to marriage." After two and a half years of dating, the proposal seemed in line with the rest of the relationship.

 

3. I look back and really there were no signs and believe me I have scoured my history with him with such laser precision, to come up dry. My therapist told me not to do that because the issue is his. He lied. She said after learning that he had so many girlfriends, he learned what works and what doesn't and did a great job of masquerading who he really is. I don't think he is a bad guy. I think he is not self aware. He wants one thing and gets it but he cannot give it back.

 

As for the lease, maybe i did not make myself clear. We found the place and he jumped all over it. He was going to put his house on the market. The plans were in place. He bailed on the day of the signing. He had a two month window to bail out. The day of? Come on. That is almost as bad at leaving someone at the altar.

 

As an FYI -- He came back to me begging me to marry him. This was like six months later. My answer was --- NADA.

 

That was two years ago. I really don't feel as thought I have to date but my friends are encouraging me. They think (and they may be correct) that the longer I don't get out there the more jaded I am becoming.

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You're a good mum. Not certain of the timeline but I'm getting the idea that your kids are over 18 as the divorce was 10 years ago. Keep sticking with your beliefs and don't settle for so little when it comes to dating. You'll be all right. I think a lot of people have some sort of fear of rejection, meeting the wrong person, someone turning out to be someone they were not after all. This is your time now if the kids are grown. Make sure you can support yourself no matter what and have a safe space of your own.

 

You can vent here about this guy if you like. It sounds like you're better off without him, no matter how it turned out. It could have gone on for longer if you didn't ask him all those questions or remind him that he was engaged to you. Now you're free to do as you please and live your life according to how you want. There's something so freeing in that and rewarding. Do you feel that? I think it's important to go through that part and feel free and independent for awhile before meeting someone new.

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There is a difference between going along with the flow and proposing to someone. He proposed to me completely unsolicited by me. He orchestrated it by having my children there. This was not some knee jerk action. He bought me an engagement ring and flew us to St. John. By the time we signed the lease, which by the way was his idea! I sold my home and we were planning on getting married in a few months, so it would not have been at all unreasonable for me to think he would sign it too. To bail on the day of the signing is pretty lame. We decided on it two months prior and he talked incessantly about how excited he was -- until the day of. That DOES make him a frog. The heresy and goes is not simply that. He admitted that he made a pack with his mother that he would not marry me. Although she liked me, as I learned she liked his other girlfriends, he told her that he would not marry while she was still alive. I never convinced myself that he was Prince Charming. I do know that he showed one side to me while the other side was pulling all the levers in the background.

 

I totally get why you waited to get married - so many parents would make the same choice of course. I'm sorry he acted like such a jerk! I was confused when I first responded. I'm glad he is out of your and your children's lives.

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Giving your heart to someone always requires a leap of faith. You'll just have to learn a positive and realistic mindset moving forward, that the only control you have is what you do--how you behave and the choices you make, whereas your heart should match your brain in those choices. And then when you have a fulfilling life solo, with a good career, time spent with friends, family, and hobbies, that if you enter a romance and it falls apart, you'll be okay because you have a support system.

 

Training how you think will definitely affect your feelings. I always remember an interview where they asked the singer Richard Marx's wife if she ever gets jealous of all his female fans. She said, "They have good taste." How refreshing to have that mindset versus roiling in jealousy.

 

The book "The Secret" by Rhonda Byrne helped me to improve my self-talk. After my first marriage ended, when seeing cutesy couples at the mall so in love, I could've thought, "They make me sick. My life sucks." But the book taught me to change that mind reel to: "They are really enjoying each others company and are so in love. That's going to happen to me one day." And you know what? It did.

 

How about not projecting to your past or your future and have the mindset of: I'm going to have coffee with this guy and try to have a nice discussion. Maybe find out some interesting things about him. Take a day-by-day, wait-and-see attitude. Time will reveal all, and tell yourself you will survive no matter the outcome. Because yeah, carrying around emotional baggage will sabotage any future success with anyone. My husband was cheated on in the two main relationships he had, and he never once distrusted me nor displayed any fear about me cheating when we dated. I once asked him about it and he said: You're a different person than them. I know you'd never do that.

 

Good luck in your search for a good partner.

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M.

 

You remarked:

 

"he was able to be completely duplicitous " and everything else is beside the point.

 

Not "able to be", OP, but IS. That is his core and what he is.

 

You see, such individuals live in a strange fantasy world, they believe what they say, in the moment, they even believe the lies they tell themselves. Their grasp on reality is very poor.

 

And it is far, far more difficult to see them coming and rumble them at the outset, precisely because they present so well.

 

What does this tell you, OP?

 

" I learned six months later that he had promised his mother, three months after our engagement, that he would not marry me. "

 

Anyone could ask in puzzlement why bother getting engaged at all if one doesn't intend to marry and promises not to.

 

But, you see, normal parameters do not apply to individuals like this. There's the fantasy. It no doubt seemed like a "fun" thing to do in the moment, the engagement. Nothing more.

 

I am afraid it was an experiment, at least from where he was standing.

 

Better things lie ahead OP. What a horrible experience, and it must have left you shaken.

 

"had about 30 girlfriends in his life."

 

 

 

Never committed to any of them and no doubt spun them a good few yarns as well.

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Exactly. Just go have coffee. Were is the father of your children, if your most recent ex-husband is not the father? How old are they now and do they live with you or see their father?

 

And live and learn. Don't make major decisions or sign major things based on "was going to...". You've had 2 years to collect yourself and reflect.

My concern was the kids. They were not his at all.

 

I was divorced for two years before I met this other man. He was going to put his house on the market.

 

That was two years ago. They think that the longer I don't get out there the more jaded I am becoming.

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I really don't feel as thought I have to date but my friends are encouraging me. They think (and they may be correct) that the longer I don't get out there the more jaded I am becoming.

 

I'm going to address this part here by cross-referencing a video shared by another member on the forum. (Hope you don't mind, Dalesboy.)

 

I think it's useful and very helpful when determining what's right for you. Your friends may have your best interests but sometimes it's in one ear/out the other. You move to the beat of your own drum, no one else's. Don't let others make you feel like you should be doing anything at any time or have to measure up to standards that are not your own at any point in your life. That desire to date or put yourself out there is your decision and yours alone. Forget the outside pressure - time to engage and work on that relationship with yourself. It absolutely is more of an 'inside job'.

 

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