Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 3 of 3 FirstFirst 123
Results 21 to 30 of 30

Thread: Scared to get out there again

  1. #21
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Location
    central Florida
    Posts
    4,395
    Gender
    Female
    Giving your heart to someone always requires a leap of faith. You'll just have to learn a positive and realistic mindset moving forward, that the only control you have is what you do--how you behave and the choices you make, whereas your heart should match your brain in those choices. And then when you have a fulfilling life solo, with a good career, time spent with friends, family, and hobbies, that if you enter a romance and it falls apart, you'll be okay because you have a support system.

    Training how you think will definitely affect your feelings. I always remember an interview where they asked the singer Richard Marx's wife if she ever gets jealous of all his female fans. She said, "They have good taste." How refreshing to have that mindset versus roiling in jealousy.

    The book "The Secret" by Rhonda Byrne helped me to improve my self-talk. After my first marriage ended, when seeing cutesy couples at the mall so in love, I could've thought, "They make me sick. My life sucks." But the book taught me to change that mind reel to: "They are really enjoying each others company and are so in love. That's going to happen to me one day." And you know what? It did.

    How about not projecting to your past or your future and have the mindset of: I'm going to have coffee with this guy and try to have a nice discussion. Maybe find out some interesting things about him. Take a day-by-day, wait-and-see attitude. Time will reveal all, and tell yourself you will survive no matter the outcome. Because yeah, carrying around emotional baggage will sabotage any future success with anyone. My husband was cheated on in the two main relationships he had, and he never once distrusted me nor displayed any fear about me cheating when we dated. I once asked him about it and he said: You're a different person than them. I know you'd never do that.

    Good luck in your search for a good partner.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2017
    Location
    Europe
    Posts
    2,398
    Gender
    Female
    M.

    You remarked:

    "he was able to be completely duplicitous " and everything else is beside the point.

    Not "able to be", OP, but IS. That is his core and what he is.

    You see, such individuals live in a strange fantasy world, they believe what they say, in the moment, they even believe the lies they tell themselves. Their grasp on reality is very poor.

    And it is far, far more difficult to see them coming and rumble them at the outset, precisely because they present so well.

    What does this tell you, OP?

    " I learned six months later that he had promised his mother, three months after our engagement, that he would not marry me. "


    Anyone could ask in puzzlement why bother getting engaged at all if one doesn't intend to marry and promises not to.

    But, you see, normal parameters do not apply to individuals like this. There's the fantasy. It no doubt seemed like a "fun" thing to do in the moment, the engagement. Nothing more.

    I am afraid it was an experiment, at least from where he was standing.

    Better things lie ahead OP. What a horrible experience, and it must have left you shaken.

    "had about 30 girlfriends in his life."




    Never committed to any of them and no doubt spun them a good few yarns as well.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    40,398
    Gender
    Male
    Exactly. Just go have coffee. Were is the father of your children, if your most recent ex-husband is not the father? How old are they now and do they live with you or see their father?

    And live and learn. Don't make major decisions or sign major things based on "was going to...". You've had 2 years to collect yourself and reflect.
    Originally Posted by Momto2
    My concern was the kids. They were not his at all.

    I was divorced for two years before I met this other man. He was going to put his house on the market.

    That was two years ago. They think that the longer I don't get out there the more jaded I am becoming.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    4,324
    Originally Posted by Momto2
    I really don't feel as thought I have to date but my friends are encouraging me. They think (and they may be correct) that the longer I don't get out there the more jaded I am becoming.
    I'm going to address this part here by cross-referencing a video shared by another member on the forum. (Hope you don't mind, Dalesboy.)

    I think it's useful and very helpful when determining what's right for you. Your friends may have your best interests but sometimes it's in one ear/out the other. You move to the beat of your own drum, no one else's. Don't let others make you feel like you should be doing anything at any time or have to measure up to standards that are not your own at any point in your life. That desire to date or put yourself out there is your decision and yours alone. Forget the outside pressure - time to engage and work on that relationship with yourself. It absolutely is more of an 'inside job'.

    Originally Posted by Dalesboy

  5.  

  6. #25
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    NYC
    Posts
    23,318
    Awful! What he did was terrible.

    Why did you sell your home? The bit about not signing the lease was a big red flag and him not putting his home on the market.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Location
    N/A
    Posts
    2,983
    Hi momto2

    Glad you joined us and posted. As a long time poster, I can tell you it helps to help others and learn their stories... You'll start to realize... Dag! I'm not alone. Also you'll get a lot of opinions. Take what helps and leave the rest...

    I've read through this thread and lots to think about here...

    Your friends probably mean well. But being jaded is within your control whether you choose to date or not. And it's been my experience, if I expect more jerks, that's just what I find. And there's a big difference between expecting and not accepting. If you are at a place where you are capable of givng a person a chance, then you probably could meet for a coffee or a drink. If you aren't save both of your time.

    It's not on the other person to prove they aren't a frog out the gate. Sure there are people in every walk of life that have ill intent. But you must go into it thinking
    positive of the person. A good person deserves that and if they are a good person,with healthy self esteem, they aren't going to deal with a head case. It's a huge red flag to be early into dating and to have to be someone's therapist.

    Recognize that grown ups, have all been through bad things. It's life. No one gets out alive but! There is hope. Can you separate yourself from what you've been through? Can you look back and say, yeah that is / was jacked up, but I have my whole life ahead of me and I'm going to be happy ANYWAY because that's the life I choose for myself?

    If you can't say that right now. It's ok. You probably need to look internally for answers to how you get there. How can you forgive YOURSELF for what you've been through? How can you not blame yourself for whatever? But also own your willing participation in the situation? (don't allow yourself to be a victim. yes he was wrong but he obviously has issues of his own that have nothing to do with you. ) And how can you accept what happened but not attach it to your self worth?

    I'll tell you, I went thru all that. You gotta get real with yourself and feel those feelings. Then you can't set camp there. You gotta pick your butt up and say yep, that happened and I love me anyway! I love my kids! I love that I can choose to say forget that! That might have been me then, but this me now witches! And I'm going to do better and better things are coming my way.

    Don't let life make you hard or jaded to others. Be better than that. Keep posting and talking to us. It helps. You can and will get through this.You can be happy again
    Last edited by Lambert; 09-27-2020 at 12:57 PM.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    london
    Posts
    12,154
    I think pretty much everything has been said ....

    I agree with sherry , he was another frog !

    And something jibs said about the red flags.....

    In time you will see it all so clearly and realise there were actually a few signs that gave it away ....just give it time . It took a long time for me to see the reality of one of my exes , but in time little things I had seemingly pushed out of my mind where so blatantly obvious !!

    Anyway ....don't let this ruin *men* for you ... I have met loads of sh1theads in my time ..drunks , abusers , basic @rseholes, but you have to chalk it down to experience and use that knowledge to spot signs next time . Remember there are also a lot of men who are jaded and tainted and angry and bitter at us women as well ....we all get hurt , both sexes .

    There is someone fabulous out there for you ....you'll see .

  9. #28
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2017
    Location
    Europe
    Posts
    2,398
    Gender
    Female
    Your therapist was totally correct:

    "My therapist told me ........ He lied. She said after learning that he had so many girlfriends, he learned what works and what doesn't and did a great job of masquerading who he really is."

    Who he really was? An empty shell housing a shattered self living in a fantasy world where he was unable to distinguish between fact and fiction. As for "match.com" people can say ANYTHING they like, mainly lies.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    New Jersey
    Posts
    23,215
    Gender
    Female
    You're a very good writer. As a writer myself, I've discovered the value of self-teaching through my own words. I explored ways to carefully scrutinize the stories I've written about myself in order to grasp the value of what I've learned from those--and how to frame my experiences more carefully in my own favor going forward.

    The stories we tell ourselves are what make or break our confidence as we navigate. If I cast myself as a victim while I villainize the people in my past, I've learned that while I can do that, it won't buy me any self sufficiency, confidence, or anything of value.

    So consider reading your story through the eyes of a coach or a counsellor, and then be honest with your Self. Credit yourself with an ability to identify any red flags that you could have recognized earlier, and you'll be more apt to credit yourself for identifying those going forward.

    It's not about blame, it's about learning. It's not about being harsh with yourself, it's about being self-loving enough to give yourself the skills of foresight that can be learned.

    Head high, we all learn by living--unless we cast ourselves as powerless to do that and view ourselves instead as being at the mercy of the next person's lousy judgment.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    California
    Age
    56
    Posts
    8,122
    Gender
    Male
    Horrible life changing story and I am sorry you are going through this.

    You will heal and you will trust again but next time look deeper. People like your ex fiancÚ are skilled lairs and can deceive many with their ways so don't feel bad that you were duped by him and his friends.

    He is in his fifties and never married. That in itself is reason to pause and see if his life lived so far lines up with his words. Next he lived in a one bedroom place. To me that doesn't fit his words.

    What were his friends like? All married with kids, mature people with good character? OR were they around his age, single, never married and all about having fun?

    I guess what I am saying is look at actions and life lived as well as hearing the words.

    You opened your heart and you will do it again one day I am sure.

    Lost

Page 3 of 3 FirstFirst 123

Videos


Maintaining A Strong Relationship

Detaching From a Malignant Man

Divorced Parents Prefer Technology and Social Media As Communication Tool

Wedding Jitters Could Be a Predictor for a Future Divorce

Botox Fights Depression And Makes You Feel Happier

Men Are More Sensitive than Women when Having Relationship Problems
Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •