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Thread: Scared to get out there again

  1. #11
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    I could pick a place to afford on my own. We were engaged at the time and had many conversations about us selling our homes and buying one together. His home was a small one bedroom cottage so it could not accommodate my kids and me. We wanted to wait for two years because my children were graduating high school in succession and "I" was the one who wanted to wait.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Did you ever go for counselling or therapy to help work through any issues with abandonment and how the divorce happened? I can't imagine how horrific this must have been. I hope you have a decent support network and are around people now who care about you and the kids. If you can find a safe place (mentally, emotionally), a lot of that feeling of being fearful and overwhelmed might subside over time. Don't rush anything into dating again.

  3. #13
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    There is a difference between going along with the flow and proposing to someone. He proposed to me completely unsolicited by me. He orchestrated it by having my children there. This was not some knee jerk action. He bought me an engagement ring and flew us to St. John. By the time we signed the lease, which by the way was his idea! I sold my home and we were planning on getting married in a few months, so it would not have been at all unreasonable for me to think he would sign it too. To bail on the day of the signing is pretty lame. We decided on it two months prior and he talked incessantly about how excited he was -- until the day of. That DOES make him a frog. The heresy and goes is not simply that. He admitted that he made a pack with his mother that he would not marry me. Although she liked me, as I learned she liked his other girlfriends, he told her that he would not marry while she was still alive. I never convinced myself that he was Prince Charming. I do know that he showed one side to me while the other side was pulling all the levers in the background.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Have you contacted your attorney regarding the sale of your home, child support, etc.? As you know skipping town without paying child support is an offence and a police matter. The sooner you contact the courts, your attorney, etc. the sooner your children's father will have his driver's license suspended.

    Reinvest your portion of the money from the divorce house sale into a place for yourself and your children. Do have family or friends nearby? Do you work?

    Unfortunately this man seems to have been a bit of a liar. It seems you thought he would sweep you off your feet and resolve some of the issues from the divorce such as loneliness, lack of financial support etc. It's unclear why you went ahead and signed the lease alone on a place you could not afford alone.

    However it turns out he was more of a wolf in sheep's clothing. It's unclear why he would bother to "half-assed" move in, pay for half of everything, etc. if he had his own place? He's not a "commitment-phobe" that is an invented word.

    He just backed out for whatever reason. Next time be weary of anyone who you think can rescue you from your divorce or who sweeps you off your feet..
    Originally Posted by Momto2
    I needed the rent because I could not afford it on my own. The day of the lease signing he bailed on me. He said he couldn't afford to make the move, to pay rent and to still pay his mortgage.

    Why would I sell my house you ask? I had no choice. It was in the divorce decree.

    My ex husband did abandon the the kids and me. Although we had been married a long time before we had out kids, he said he found raising kids boring and "not his thing."

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Momto2
    So, here I was around all of these people who were amazing to me, knew what was going on and said nothing to me.
    What a betrayal! I can't imagine how painful that was to discover.

    Originally Posted by Momto2
    Finally, he admitted to me that he is a commitment phobic and after he proposed he realized he could not go through with a marriage.
    That's not an excuse for his dishonesty.

    Originally Posted by Momto2
    Yet, he was able to be completely duplicitous and I never saw this coming. This experience has turned me off to dating. It's been two years and I can intellectualize that not all men are liars but I am so scared.
    I don't blame you for having these feelings... but looking back, can you say with 100% certainty that there were absolutely no signs?

    I can attest for there being good men out there. I have one. But I have also dated not-so-good men, and I'll tell you: there are always signs. Things don't always add up.

    It's easy to dismiss these things in the moment because it's often just a gut feeling with little hard evidence. But in retrospect, these signs become more obvious.

    So, I encourage you to look back on this relationship and identify when things didn't 'feel' right. The signing of the lease sounds like a big sign that things weren't right.

    I'm sure there were more signs that you probably glazed right over because everything else seemed so right. Now that the 'right' is gone, what stands out as being wrong?

    I'm not blaming you for what he did. I'm just trying to impress upon you the importance of being vigilant and listening to gut feelings.

    You are right to have fear about dating again. It's very difficult when you are lonely or feeling bad, and just want a companion.

    Learn from this last experience and keep it in mind when you get back out there.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    He couldn't afford a mortgage and rent at the same time apparently.

  8. #17
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    Yes I did. The therapist said that there are some men who find children as their competition. She said to believe him when he said he found that raising kids was boring and not what he wanted. He has not talked to our daughter in twelve years. He does have a relationship with our son. I made sure I let him know about every school play, every teacher conference, sports events, whatever --- no commentary - just a quick email with whatever notice came from the school, invitation or whatever other event announcement there was. What he did with it was his choice. He came to nothing.

    I put the children into therapy when he left.

  9. #18
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    Wiseman2. I did get an attorney and we had an 18 month battle with my ex. He did not want to pay for anything and he was an high executive and made a lot of money. Despite the settlement, he violated just about every part of it. My concern was the kids. They were not his at all. When he left, he left them too and was very resentful to have to do anything for them.

    I was divorced for two years before I met this other man. I was never swept me off my feet. I had on my "red flag" hat. I had my own money, my own business and was not needy at all. This man turned out to be a liar. He finally fessed up that he had a generalized anxiety disorder and other relationship issues. THAT should have been something to share with me and not when he did.

    In response to your comments:

    1. Yes I felt betrayed by the other people at first. Then I learned that they were all so happy and really hoped that he had changed. I could see why they would not say anything. Its an awkward place.

    2. It is not an excuse for dishonesty. He could have told me at any stage PRIOR to proposing that he just is not the marrying kind. Fair enough. His match.com profiled read -- "looking for a serious long term relationship that could lead to marriage." After two and a half years of dating, the proposal seemed in line with the rest of the relationship.

    3. I look back and really there were no signs and believe me I have scoured my history with him with such laser precision, to come up dry. My therapist told me not to do that because the issue is his. He lied. She said after learning that he had so many girlfriends, he learned what works and what doesn't and did a great job of masquerading who he really is. I don't think he is a bad guy. I think he is not self aware. He wants one thing and gets it but he cannot give it back.

    As for the lease, maybe i did not make myself clear. We found the place and he jumped all over it. He was going to put his house on the market. The plans were in place. He bailed on the day of the signing. He had a two month window to bail out. The day of? Come on. That is almost as bad at leaving someone at the altar.

    As an FYI -- He came back to me begging me to marry him. This was like six months later. My answer was --- NADA.

    That was two years ago. I really don't feel as thought I have to date but my friends are encouraging me. They think (and they may be correct) that the longer I don't get out there the more jaded I am becoming.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    You're a good mum. Not certain of the timeline but I'm getting the idea that your kids are over 18 as the divorce was 10 years ago. Keep sticking with your beliefs and don't settle for so little when it comes to dating. You'll be all right. I think a lot of people have some sort of fear of rejection, meeting the wrong person, someone turning out to be someone they were not after all. This is your time now if the kids are grown. Make sure you can support yourself no matter what and have a safe space of your own.

    You can vent here about this guy if you like. It sounds like you're better off without him, no matter how it turned out. It could have gone on for longer if you didn't ask him all those questions or remind him that he was engaged to you. Now you're free to do as you please and live your life according to how you want. There's something so freeing in that and rewarding. Do you feel that? I think it's important to go through that part and feel free and independent for awhile before meeting someone new.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by Momto2
    There is a difference between going along with the flow and proposing to someone. He proposed to me completely unsolicited by me. He orchestrated it by having my children there. This was not some knee jerk action. He bought me an engagement ring and flew us to St. John. By the time we signed the lease, which by the way was his idea! I sold my home and we were planning on getting married in a few months, so it would not have been at all unreasonable for me to think he would sign it too. To bail on the day of the signing is pretty lame. We decided on it two months prior and he talked incessantly about how excited he was -- until the day of. That DOES make him a frog. The heresy and goes is not simply that. He admitted that he made a pack with his mother that he would not marry me. Although she liked me, as I learned she liked his other girlfriends, he told her that he would not marry while she was still alive. I never convinced myself that he was Prince Charming. I do know that he showed one side to me while the other side was pulling all the levers in the background.
    I totally get why you waited to get married - so many parents would make the same choice of course. I'm sorry he acted like such a jerk! I was confused when I first responded. I'm glad he is out of your and your children's lives.

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