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Would you end things over a statement that was made?


gijeanie

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I’ve been talking to this guy for three months who is three hours away. His job moves him around everywhere but we both are looking for a relationship. It has been a little hard the distance but we have been trying.

We have had one disagreement over political beliefs but decided we liked each other more than that disagreement. His work does cause us to cancel many dates. It’s also talking about moving him again but it’s not final. He didn’t want to stop talking.

We were discussing dating and how to make a long distance relationship work if we decided to date. He said at first he saw us working but in time getting harder. That in all honesty from his experience that long distance doesn’t usually work. I then asked if he was one of those guys who change girls when he changes location or if he was with a girl just in the moment.

He got so mad at me, saying I was making assumptions about him that were not true. He got really offended.

I tried genuinely apologizing and even explaining my concerns. I tried texting wanting to work things out and accepting I was wrong. He just ignored me.

I finally messaged him a final good bye saying that long distance would never work if we have no communication. That that’s all you have in a long distance relationship. That if you won’t talk and work through your problems that it would never work. That no one is perfect and makes mistakes. All types of relationships have fights or disagreements but it’s how you handle them that makes and breaks them. Running away never fixes anything. If this mistake meant more to him then me we have nothing.

Would you break it off with someone over this? Is he over reacting?

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Sounds like he was looking to end things anyway. I personally can't stand when negative generalizations like that are made about anyone -especially about men - men get such a bad rap sometimes like they're only after sex, they only care about looks and ridiculous generalizations like that. So I can see where you truly offended him by lumping him in with some negative stereotype you heard or created. He is right. Long distance often doesn't work. Mine worked for very specific reasons that took it out of the typical long distance where you don't know the person to begin with.

You're not dating him -he's someone you're a penpal with and you're planning on meeting someday -or, you were. My guess is he met someone local, he was already losing interest and your negativity was the last straw. I'm sorry.

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He seems rude and childish, OP. Let him go. Whatever his reasons, this is not working. For all you know, you may have hit the nail on the head and he got scared.

 

Move on with your life. You don't need this. Stay away from long distance set ups and date locally or not at all. Don't settle for so little.

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Jeanie:

 

Talking to someone for three months (or any number of months) via internet and/or phone is actually quite meaningless. You have never even met in person. This is not a relationship.

 

Also, what exactly does this mean?

 

"His work does cause us to cancel many dates"

 

You mean cancel an actual real life date, or an on-screen "date".

 

He didn't break it off, as there was nothing to break off.

 

You will do much better if you seek dates in real life.

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You dodged a bullet. He was just looking for a 'thing' to warrant bolting, and he took the first available.

 

You've learned to reframe any future questions of someone to sound less accusatory, more curious. But no, you're not some bad, bad girl who lost a guy over such a slight. He was already gone for his own reasons.

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Your probably right. We talked all the time so it sucks and kind of hurts but nothing is left to do. I deleted his messages and number. I think acting like this when he is 44 years old instead of just coming out and saying "its completely over its never going to work," instead of just ignoring me says a lot after 3 months of constant talking.

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You should be able to ask a general question. you weren't saying he was anything, right? If you were asking a question, that is a big difference.

 

So I would see his reacting in a negative angry way, as more about him than anything. If you don't know a person, it's not an insult to inquire. A person with nothing to really hide would laugh it off.

 

Anger and defensiveness are two very big red flags. At least that is my experience. Its either stemming from a deep rooted poor sense of self or a mechanism to control others or the situation.

 

So this guy probably is not such a great catch...

 

Long distance relationships are hard to maintain. they usually only work if the relationship is already established prior to the distance. Even then it can be super hard. each person is growing and changing, potentially not together in the way that supports the relationship.

 

You should ask yourself, why are you willing to consider a "relationship" that is basically with a phone?

 

And what is going on with this guy that he is, too?

 

We can't make decisions on potential. they must be made on what actually is. This guy is not in your town. Is unable to actually spend time with you. Three months in, you weren't even dating. A total waste of time in reality.

 

Were you holding off meeting someone local? Don't do that. Talk to a lot of prospects. Sure if there is one that seems more interesting, put more effort into getting together sooner rather than later.

 

Don't waste your time. One cancel per person... any more is a pattern. In general

raise your standards. It's the only way to actually get better people in your life. You have to reject what isn't working for you to make room for what works.

 

If you're not meeting a lot of great guys at the moment, change your focus to family, work, friends, personal interests. That way you're not settling or being stagnate in your own life and journey.

 

There's more to life than romantic pursuits.

 

Hang in there!

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Absolutely Lambert.

 

"You should ask yourself, why are you willing to consider a "relationship" that is basically with a phone?

And what is going on with this guy that he is, too?

 

We can't make decisions on potential. they must be made on what actually is. This guy is not in your town. Is unable to actually spend time with you. Three months in, you weren't even dating. A total waste of time in reality.

"

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Has been 3 months. Long distance and some complications.

 

Did you say this to him live, on the phone? Because, if you texted this to him.. he has no way in knowing how you meant it, as it's just text- so he could take it any way he seemed it right- if you get what I mean.

Just text can so easily mess anything up.

 

I get what you meant when you asked this... not really a belittling comment, but more of curiousity.

 

But I think, usually within first few months, is when you will see IF this will progress or not.

 

If distance issue's remain, I dont think this will succeed :/.

 

Leave him alone now.. and if you are really done, mean it. No head games.

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I could never with any good conscience encourage a long distance relationship .... I am able to talk from experience and LD in the uk is a hell of a lot different from America , we are such a tiny island , it is never too bigg'a distance .

 

Anyway to give you my reasoning - the first , it lasted 7 months and wouldn't have lasted 7 days if we had been local and I had seen him in his natural environment . It is always like a holiday when you get together when it is LD because your time together is so crushed together and you tend to let things go and just try and enjoy the time you have .

 

The second was ok because we had an end in sight ...he was moving and so was my daughter and I to meet in neutral ground , together as a family and start again . Also he was able to spend a lot of time at my end as he worked from home and as long as he had his lap top he was ok , turns out he was a complete @rse anyway .....next

 

You really really can't get to know someone on the level you need to to have a proper relationship .

 

So my advice to you is stop chasing the dream you have probably created , you haven't said anything enduring , anything on a level that is loving or intimate and when you did challenge him he threw a strop .

 

Move on sister ..plenty more horses to ride .

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Ask yourself why you would waste three months of your time on a stranger who constantly cancels dates, and lives three hours away. Why aren't you looking local?

 

What is there to break up, you hardly saw this guy, and the "relationship" was virtual. You won't get those three months back.

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He showed you his true colors. You hit on a sore spot, which means there probably was some truth to the fact that he might be just looking for a fling.

Even if he was offended by your concerns, it still shows what kind of man he is. He wasn't willing to reassure you, instead, he'd rather toss you.

That says a huge amount about him.

 

Don't go for a guy like that. You would have never been able to count on him and he wouldn't care about your feelings or concerns, instead he would use them as an excuse to dump you whenever he felt like it.

 

Be glad your dodged a bullet and stay away from this guy.

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This all happened last night. I guess he could be ignoring me because he’s mad but I’ve been ghosted before so I know in my experience it usually means they are done. He was always so afraid that I was done talking in the past for one reason or another. The silent treatment or ghosting is just so stupid in your 40s. If your done say it. If your mad and need space say it. Whatever the case I agree if he was truly interested in me he would accept my apology and work through it.

 

I know I could never go through this in a long distance relationship or any relationship. I need someone to care more about me and my feelings. And someone who can be direct and honest when it’s over because everyone deserves that.

 

Thanks for y’all input. I do feel so much better about everything.

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Echoing others, I think maybe the biggest thing to come away with from this is the question of: Do you want a relationship that is built in person, together, or over the phone? Start there, in the privacy of your own mind, and let the answer guide you.

 

As for the specifics? I'll be completely and honest and say that a question like that would be, for me, at this stage, the end. I'd be more graceful in the parting—I have done exactly this, in similar moments—but I would have exactly zero interest in trying to find harmony in a dynamic in which the cards would feel so clearly be stacked against me based on negative assumptions about men.

 

I don't say that to tsk-tsk you so much as to go back to the first point. We all have fears about the where things might go with the opposite sex, and the easiest way to explore those fears is in person—moving slow, observing as you go, moving further when you like what you observe. That is very hard, if not impossible, to do solely over screens, over distance.

 

There is a better man for you than this, likely in a closer radius, so questions like this don't even need to be asked. They just get answered—and generally pretty quickly—through the early days of seeing if someone is worth dating, or not.

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This all happened last night. I guess he could be ignoring me because he’s mad but I’ve been ghosted before so I know in my experience it usually means they are done. He was always so afraid that I was done talking in the past for one reason or another. The silent treatment or ghosting is just so stupid in your 40s. If your done say it. If your mad and need space say it. Whatever the case I agree if he was truly interested in me he would accept my apology and work through it.

 

I know I could never go through this in a long distance relationship or any relationship. I need someone to care more about me and my feelings. And someone who can be direct and honest when it’s over because everyone deserves that.

 

Thanks for y’all input. I do feel so much better about everything.

 

Learning that this just happened, I would not be surprised if you heard from him. It might be awhile, if he struggles to find someone else to talk to.

 

So I'd block him now... You've seen enough about this guy. You aren't being too harsh to not want to deal with him again.

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This all happened last night. I guess he could be ignoring me because he’s mad but I’ve been ghosted before so I know in my experience it usually means they are done. He was always so afraid that I was done talking in the past for one reason or another. The silent treatment or ghosting is just so stupid in your 40s. If your done say it. If your mad and need space say it. Whatever the case I agree if he was truly interested in me he would accept my apology and work through it.

 

I know I could never go through this in a long distance relationship or any relationship. I need someone to care more about me and my feelings. And someone who can be direct and honest when it’s over because everyone deserves that.

 

Thanks for y’all input. I do feel so much better about everything.

 

How is he ghosting you? You know he is not wanting to interact with you because he is upset with you -he's not disappearing -he told you: "He got so mad at me, saying I was making assumptions about him that were not true. He got really offended." and he doesn't have to respond and talk to you if he doesn't want to. And it's not a dating relationship -he's someone you chat with and you've talked about meeting in the future with no real plans to do so. I would assume he was on his way out and this was the last straw or what he chose to treat as the last straw.

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If you haven't learned this already, never try to build a 'relationship' over the phone or the Internet. That's not getting to know someone, it's fantasy-building. Falling in love with a fantasy 'about' someone is not the same as spending time together to learn who they really are.

 

Use dating apps to set up 'quick meets' over coffee, where you spend 20 or 30 minutes to learn if there's enough chemistry to set up a REAL date. Each agrees to not corner the other on the spot, but either can contact the other afterward with an invite. If the answer is yes, the other responds, and if not, no response is necessary.

 

This takes squirmy rejection stuff off the table.

 

If someone doesn't live close enough to meet early, then what should that tell you? Investing in fantasy is for people who live in their heads, not for anyone who's legitimately interested in finding a real-life relationship. Skip that, set up a bunch of quick meets on your way home from work, and if you get stood up, take your coffee with you, and nothing is lost.

 

Most people are NOT our match. That's just natural odds. So approach quick meets as seeking a needle in a haystack, don't overlook red flags (such as angering easily) and hold out for true simpatico rather than trying to force a fit with bad matches. You'll thank yourself later for reserving your time for the RIGHT match, not just ANY match.

 

Head high.

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