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Thread: Regretting my decision to break-up with my co-dependant partner.

  1. #1
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    Regretting my decision to break-up with my co-dependant partner.

    Hello everyone, hope you are all having a great day!

    Well, this is a messy story. I'll sum it up.

    She and I are both in our early 20's. We were together for 1.5 years, we met through an online game and live in different countries, we took trips to see each other. We could talk hours on end and I'm pretty sure there was codependency.

    Our relationship was rocky at start due to us both being kind of immature but we made it work.

    I am jobless, having been in a rough patch in my life, but we met when I was getting things together, honing my passions, and it charmed her.

    Things go down in the first "half" of our relation, I was not caring and she was too demanding, we fizzled out for a bit and I find out she kissed another guy through her friend. Right before we were supposed to meet the first time.

    So thinking the tickets were already booked, I decided to just heavily chastise her untill I knew she felt it to her core, and would regret it.

    We met up, had a dream-like trip where we were all over each-other, but then I find something weird on her phone while we were both casually looking at each-other's pictures, I find tinder screenshots then look at her Facebook and see she sent it to her best friends (one male, one female).

    I was furious, we broke up on the moment and we left each-other with tears running down our eyes.

    I was back alone, working on myself but she would message me saying she was sorry and how everything reminded me of her. Well, I felt alone. I was broken and struggling through life, I shut myself to online games at that time. She e-mailed me three motnhs later and I said it, let's talk it out.

    We reconnected pretty quick and I made her understand that I would need extra proof of that I could trust her if I were to get back with her. I thought I could deal with the insecurity of being back with her, by letting myself be emotionally shut and gradually openning up.

    She cut contact with her male best friend who was a terrible influence on her after I pointed it out (he would influence her into substances, smoking, drinking and being deceitful, now I know you might say it's just her rejecting fault on others, but no. I saw him recommending her first hand). She stopped hanging out with her male friends out of respect for me and she would send me pictures of herself whenever she was out to reassure me.

    Everything was good, except the fact I stopped working on myself and bettering myself over time due to the insecurities(my own) and trust issues rearing up here and there.
    (mind you she was making EVERY single thing to make me feel secure, even installed a tracking app, which I later told to remove due to no longer being comfortable.)

    The relation was going great for me, she would shower me with gifts, pay for trips, would support me everytime. She was really loving and giving.

    But then I stopped working on myself, became miserable and along with the insecurities seriously doubted my self-worth. She would try to get me to do things, to move, and would tell me I was great. And I was still struggling day by day getting out of my room.

    Everything she did was clouded in my eyes by the fact she was unfaithful earlier on, no matter how great of a girl she was to me or how well she treated me, it would just show up it's ugly head and I would berrate the poor girl without proof over a bad night. She really did change, physically, mentally, emotionally.

    But I couldn't bring myself to be giving to her. She did the gifting, she paid for our trips, she would reach out to me and make plans. I was just letting myself go.

    We met one last time at my home, I told her I wanted to break-up with her since I found out she had deleted some messages from someone she was in contact with before, since that person previously made a move on her (but he is now married, and pretty sure it's purely platonic), she said she erased it out of fear of me getting angry, the thing is the act of erasing it drove me nuts, not whatever the content would have been.

    She didn't want to break-up and kept contacting me like we were together, I let her, because it was comfortable to me (I regret treating her that way.)

    I became abusive, I would snap at her for nothing, would quesion everything she did, who she was talking to, where she was going. Even said every now and then we were breaking up and I wanted to see other people.

    She was madly in love with me, and I was extremely uncaring, rude, and spiralled myself deeper into inaction and developped an unhealthy lifestyle, which in retrospect made me even worse.

    One day she decided that she had enough, took up on the offer of the break up and said she was heartbroken. She took the blame for me being abusive since she said herself she was a terrible girlfriend early on.

    I suddenly had a turnaround and started realizing what I did all along.


    She said she wasn't letting herself live, she kept herself in her room out of fear of loosing me, wouldn't go out with her friends, family or parents. That she lost the dream of moving in with me (she basically fell out of love). I apologized for what I did, and she told me apologies wouldn't fix what happened (I completely agree).

    I basically made her change the person she was for me, myself. I thought most of it was from meaning well, steering her into becoming upright and bettering herself, but when our last month of relationship went on it wasn't out of love, out of wanting to see her grow. I was downright abusive to her and took my self-hatred out on her.

    I feel terrible about what I did. I miss her very much, I recontacted her and wanted to make ammends but she told me she just wanted to move on, and I get her. I believe she has the right to.

    Everything around me reminds me of her with how fusional we were, she told me the same.
    We both miss eachother, but we're full of issues, and we're in a rough spot.

    I want to become a better boyfriend, fix myself as a man, and get her back, yet I'm unsure of if it's a good idea, since I'm unsure if I should be in a relationship, at all.

    We both were always really supportive of each other (except for the month where I was absolutely horrible with her).

    I miss her deeply, I am taking steps to becoming a better person.

    At moments I want her back in my arms and wouldn't get anything else, on others I feel like I am happy she took her stance and left. Since it's the way we can grow.

    I know very well I led us to this, yet I regret it.
    I feel ashamed for what I did.

    I want her by my side so I can cheer for her and she could cheer for me, but I am seriously questioning if this is a good idea at all. I am worried I would go back to my previous state, or our perfect mess that cobbled well togeher would hold if we did get back together.

    I came to realize how she really made all the steps to be trusted but my gut would tell me otherwise.

    Should I just let this go? I want to check in on her and make sure she is doing better. I am going through therapy to figure myself out. I am lost.

    The times I did reach out she said she just wanted to move on. She made her stance saying we cannot get back together. I do not know how to feel.

    Edit: If I wanted to get her back, should I want to stay in touch or break contact? I still believe we can allow each other to grow once we deal with our own issues.
    I think she's cutting off the contact to move on to someone new, knowing how I had to put the foot down for her to break up with her ex before she moved to me.
    Last edited by HellHellHell; 09-26-2020 at 07:06 AM. Reason: Clarification

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You need to focus on your physical and mental health as well as getting a job.

    Stop losing yourself in gaming and toxic interaction with people.

  3. #3
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    I am actively working on myself on that end, the break-up made me realize what I was doing.

    Would you also consider getting back in touch with my ex to mend things to be totally irrational and a lack of good judgement?

    I know very well that I have my progress to make on my own, and that I cannot rely on another person's acceptance anymore. But I'd like to smooth things over with her, for I hurt her deeply, and still would love to support her.

    Should I let time settle things, work on myself solely and not contact her?

  4. #4
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    She said she wasn't letting herself live, she kept herself in her room out of fear of loosing me, wouldn't go out with her friends, family or parents. That she lost the dream of moving in with me (she basically fell out of love). I apologized for what I did, and she told me apologies wouldn't fix what happened (I completely agree)
    Oh buddy just read and re read your own words ...she woke up and realised what her reality had become ....

    I wouldn't get in contact , just walk away now . Work on yourself for you and for whoever it is you will meet when you are ready . You did contact her and told her you wanted to make amends and her answer was ....she just wants to move forward .

    If you want to do something for her that is heart felt , apologetic and in her best interests , then do this .......walk away , respect her wishes and just look forward to your own future .

  5.  

  6. #5
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    Thanks guys. I'll work on bettering myself in every way.

    I'm not counting on getting back with her, I wanted to understand myself better and well, tell her that in some months when I figure things out if she wants to get back in touch.

    Even if the situation is as is and the bridge is burnt, she still helped me figuring things that I wanted to do.

    I still want to be able to support each other further down the line, but I guess it's purely up to her on that end.

    Thank you for the answers, I needed it.
    Here's to a better me.

    Love, Hell

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Don't send anything to her.

    Take a big step back and stop reaching out. Turn that focus away from her and back to yourself. That was your pattern during the whole relationship - getting so caught up in someone else's "problems" or that they need "help" from you that you stop working on yourself. Also, there's nothing attractive or fun or helpful hearing from an ex.

    Stay away from her completely and start focusing on your job if you have a new job or the job search and any volunteer work or other aspirations or goals. You've got a lot on your plate and you're spreading yourself too thin. Take care of yourself.

  8. #7
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    Well, we both were problematic on hindsight, I am thinking we both played a bad part in it.

    She was trying to fix me and vice-versa.
    Thanks to you all I got to realize it's not black and white.

    I believe the break-up was a good call after all.

    It's just out of this world to go through this considering how communicative we used to be.


    I hope everyone has a good day. Thank you, deeply.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Tough stuff to go through during a tough time in the world.

    All that said? I think this can be a truly wonderful juncture in your life, if you can approach it with humility. What does that look like? It means accepting this is over, that it never quite worked, and that the answer to your pain right now isn't getting her back. Instead, it means leaning into this as a bit of a wake-up call, as it sounds like you're doing, and going about the business of addressing what needs to be addressed, in you, so you can be the sort of man—alone in your skin, alongside the skin of another—that you want to be.

    It will not be with her. That is hard, I know, but it's a hard, human feeling that you can feel your way through. You are in good human company on that journey. In doing just that—rather than in making this all about finding away to reenter the hall of mirrors that was this relationship—you will grow, authentically. You will thank yourself for this moment, and you'll thank her, in the privacy of your mind, both for the time you shared and the awakenings triggered by that time.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member SooSad33's Avatar
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    She stopped hanging out with her male friends out of respect for me and she would send me pictures of herself whenever she was out to reassure me.
    - Okay, this should NOT be necessary.. is called trust.. If you don;t have it.. no good.

    Was a HUGE challenge on your behalf... the uncertainty, the distance etc... right?

    Since ever YOUR trust was affected- did it in. Not repairable.

    I told her I wanted to break-up with her since I found out she had deleted some messages from someone she was in contact with before, since that person previously made a move on her (but he is now married, and pretty sure it's purely platonic), she said she erased it out of fear of me getting angry, the thing is the act of erasing it drove me nuts, not whatever the content would have been.

    - At this point, this is on you... You started making her life a real challenge... she was NOT doing anything wrong..
    So, all because she messed up that first time you found something out- It has been laying heavily on you.
    - No trust.. not gonna work!

    I want to become a better boyfriend, fix myself as a man, and get her back
    - I doubt this is possible.. the damages are done.

    Yes, carry on with the therapy- you need to work through a lot of issue's you've got.
    You need to stay away from her now.. focus on YOU. YOu will not do anyone any good, if this is who you have become.

    And we cannot get over someone if we won;t let go.
    For your own good, go No contact... and keep going. This is long past done.. Now, you need to work on your healing & accepting.. Keep up with this therapy.

    IMO, you two are both a little.. lost. Is just not good for either.
    Dont even think about this future with her. Will not do either of you any good again.


    Focus on YOU now... that's it!
    Accept. Heal. Move on.
    One day at a time.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    sometimes you have to be realistic. Appreciate what was good and the lessons learned and let go.

    You sound like you have some growing and work to do on yourself and with that some understanding of what a healthy relationship with boundaries truly is.

    Most people have these toxic relationships in their past on the way to doing better in the next one. Sometimes we must leave a situation for the greater good of both people.

    That's my advice. Focus on personal growth. A better person, a better man, a better partner for YOURSELF and your future.

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